selfish heart

[subiewifi91]

**Please excuse the long post. Read all the way to the bottom to completely understand, or start near the bottom to get to the meat & potatoes of this post**

 

I've had a on/off relationship with a woman who started as my best friend almost 4 years ago to the day. We've been through a lot that most relationships don't stand up to like cheating, severe trust issues, and restricted lives due to that mistrust. We also have had the best moments of my life without a doubt. I've had quite a few sex partners 15-20 range and she is without a doubt the best lover i've ever had. She makes me so happy but i just have this feeling that i really don't know what she wants. She has a now 4 year old daughter going on 5 years of age that ive raised as my own, who calls me daddy. We have been through so much and have had other partners during our splits that we always seem to have like once a year, which im sure the additional partners don't help our trust issues.

 

We were struggling financially two years ago and then i got an amazing job. we stuck by each other when we had nothing but our company to get us through hard times. As my job became a big focus of my life she began to i always feel like i was living this double life(which i wasn't). We had our issues during this time but we always trudged through it and continued on with our lives. In October of 2015 we finally moved into a giant 4-bedroom house that gave us everything we had ever wanted in a home. I was still heavily involved in my job and was also going to school full time, as she was working full time. I provided everything financially. I mean everything. This lead to problems of when we were fighting of me throwing it in her face. I wasn't perfect by any means in that i didn't show her just how much she meant to me often enough. I was a great father to her daughter, and gave as much of myself to her as i could and provided everything she could have ever wanted.

 

Her issue was that she had developed a drinking problem working at her job around her coworkers, who apparently drank like they were getting paid for it. We had numerous fights of her coming home smelling like a bar. Whenever the fights would happen it would always be my fault for pushing her to drink as it was the only thing that made her happy.

 

Around December/January our trust issues and daily life were wearing down on the both of us. I arguments i began telling her to GTFO of the house because i didn't want her there anymore. Just for background i am extremely stubborn. It got to the point where in late February she said ok i'll leave( after staying out all night drinking at the same coworkers house who had caused so many problems for us previously with our daughter). We had an epic fight and i instantly regretted telling her to leave. I always feel like a complete dumbass when we separate because i have yet to find anyone else that even remotely makes me as happy as her. I'll be happy, but it is always a fleeting feeling.

 

She left all her stuff at the house and would come by occasionally to grab some things. At this point i'm a single 24-yo male in a 1700 sq ft 4 bedroom house in San Diego that made no sense. So i started looking for a new place after getting my landlords to agree to break my lease. Through all of this we would randomly meet and have lunch which always ended with us in tears, but then if i tried to continue any conversation later that evening she would blow me off.

 

Now to the meat of why im writing this novel. During this time i was in two relationships that were sexual that she doesn't know about. On one of the days she was getting all her stuff, which was around the 2nd of April, she found one of the girls that i had been seeing's lip liner. She lost her mind. Telling me all how i broke her heart and how i could have some female in the house that we had a family in. I felt terrible. I had tried for so long to win her back but she would ever give me the time of day as she was too busy doing who knows what. I was keeping myself occupied with these other woman, but would have dropped them in a second if she had given me the chance. On April 10th i was in a motorcycle accident that broke my right foot in three places. Initially when i told her about it she just asked if i was ok, but a few days later she asked if i needed her to bring me anything. I said yes and she stopped by. We were very emotional and when we hugged she wouldn't let go. Then this past weekend i asked her to dinner with her daughter(who she hadn't let me see since she left in February as she said it would be too hard on her) and she agreed. We went to dinner and had a great conversation. When she dropped me off she helped me out of her car, as i was on crutches, and she kissed me. When i got inside we started talking again on good terms.

 

Just yesterday she came over with her daughter to have dinner with me at my new place. As we were getting ready to leave her daughter called me by another man's name. I asked her right away who this "Chris" was aand she became visually agitated and just said he was a friend. She left the room again and i asked her daughter if they had kissed and her daughter said yes. When she came back in the room i asked her WTF was going on as she had made me feel like the biggest A-hole the entire time she was gone from the house. She told me that she started seeing him the day after she found the lip liner as she was so upset and just wanted to move on from me. In the back of my mind i had known what i did so i wasn't flipping out, but i was still surprisingly upset. She told me all they had done was kissed (i know she wasn't have vaginal sex because she had a surgery in late march that prevented her from any kind of penetration until like May 7th.) But i still can't help feeling hurt from this even though i had sexual relations with other women. Am i being stupid? Should i look right past that as a non-event since we weren't together? I think it bothers me just because she tells me how much she loves me but then i question her trying to move on if you're so in love?

 

I've never loved any woman as much as her and i miss our family so much. Is this something i should look past, or should i look into this further for lies from her? I don't want this to add to our already large pile of trust issues and i just feel like im really being selfish.

 

Advice please. And thank you for reading my rant! It's just been on my mind a lot today. I could tell you our entire relationship history but it would be very long.

[subiewifi91]

Nobody wants to offer any advice?

[basil67]

I think you should move on. The distrust, the lies, the on-again-off-again, her drinking, your double standards, her staying out all night despite having a child - it sounds awful.

 

Take some time off from dating while you finish your education. Then when you have enough time to nurture a relationship, start again and find a relationships which is calm, happy, trusting and loving.

[subiewifi91]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm sure i highlighted all the negative aspects of it, but i really do appreciate your thoughts on the matter.