dgiirl Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 I'm looking for any glimmer of hope. Have any of you been separated from your spouse because your spouse left to be with the ow only to have them come back to you? How long was your separation? Why did they come back? How did you act during your separation? Did you guys communicate or do strict no contact?
StillHurtin Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl I'm looking for any glimmer of hope. Have any of you been separated from your spouse because your spouse left to be with the ow only to have them come back to you? How long was your separation? Why did they come back? How did you act during your separation? Did you guys communicate or do strict no contact? dgiirl, my H and I were separated and going through a D 2 years ago. My H was the one that filed. Part of the reason why he left me was b/c of the OW, the other part was b/c he said he knew I wasn't happy and he wanted to let me go to find someone else who would treat me better and make me happy. I told him to get out of the house, he wasn't going to stay there w/ me and our children if he wanted a D. We were separated for about 3 months b4 he came back to me. We continued to stay separated for another 6 months so we were separated about 9 months total. My H came back b/c he said he still loved me, and he made a mistake. He said he wasn't happy w/o me and he realized that he wanted me back, but he was having second thoughts a week after he filed for a D and the OW clouded his judgement. She had been persuing him for about 3 years b4 the A. My H and I got along great during out separation but there was a few arguements when I heard about him and the OW and him and the OW would lie to me about it. When it came to the OW was the only time we fought. We communicated a lot w/ eachother but a lot of times I would ignore his calls b/c I was so angry at him. He was always calling me. He would always come over to see the kids. I tired NC but it was hard. I was stupid and in denial of the A. The OW and H were very convincing w/ their lies and I was gullible and believed both of them. We have been working on our M for 2 years now and it has it's up's and down's but it's a better M now than it was b4. M can survive after an A. I advice that you both seek individual counseling and M counseling. GL! Sorry for your pain.
Author dgiirl Posted June 19, 2005 Author Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin We have been working on our M for 2 years now and it has it's up's and down's but it's a better M now than it was b4. M can survive after an A. I advice that you both seek individual counseling and M counseling. GL! Sorry for your pain. Thanks stillhurtin! I just needed to know anything's possible. My stbxh has been gone for 4 months now, and neither one of us are talking about the relationship. I'm just at a lost for words. If I talk to him I know i'll start to cry or say something i'll regret, so I'm sticking to NC. We still talk via email about the legalities, and things are civil, except sometimes it becomes really tense. I've been to IC, and would be very willing to go to MC but the stbxh wouldnt go in the beginning, and now I dont see a point in bringing up the topic since we're not even talking about our relationship. I've been waiting for my stbxh to give me something to start the divorce proceedings, it's been 2 months now, and nothing's been done, he always has some kind of excuse. Now my lawyer advises me to file so I can go on with my life. I'm staying in the city until all the loose ends are final then I want to move. I dont want to get a divorce, and I'm just torn that I'm the one who's going to file. And I'm just praying that even tho I'm filing, that my stbxh wakes up and wants to work on the relationship. I hope all the best for you and your marriage! It gives us hope that things can turn around and you can work through the difficult times.
StillHurtin Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Thanks stillhurtin! I just needed to know anything's possible. My stbxh has been gone for 4 months now, and neither one of us are talking about the relationship. I'm just at a lost for words. If I talk to him I know i'll start to cry or say something i'll regret, so I'm sticking to NC. We still talk via email about the legalities, and things are civil, except sometimes it becomes really tense. I've been to IC, and would be very willing to go to MC but the stbxh wouldnt go in the beginning, and now I dont see a point in bringing up the topic since we're not even talking about our relationship. I've been waiting for my stbxh to give me something to start the divorce proceedings, it's been 2 months now, and nothing's been done, he always has some kind of excuse. Now my lawyer advises me to file so I can go on with my life. I'm staying in the city until all the loose ends are final then I want to move. I dont want to get a divorce, and I'm just torn that I'm the one who's going to file. And I'm just praying that even tho I'm filing, that my stbxh wakes up and wants to work on the relationship. I hope all the best for you and your marriage! It gives us hope that things can turn around and you can work through the difficult times. NP. Glad I could help, if even a little. I hope the best for you and your H. I think NC is probably the best right now as it will give you both time to think. I think it's great you are going to IC. I would continue to do so for awhile. As for him filing, hmmmm, sounds weird why he keeps putting it off if he wants out of the M. H said he would file for the D b/c it would cost me a lot to do it and he had more funds for the filing. So he filed and I hired a lawyer only to find out that my H lied to me! Filing wasn't going to cost $400 like H said it would, it was only about $100. I think H was the one that wanted to file so ppl would know he was the one that filed and so he didn't look like he was the one getting dumped, but I was. I didn't want to file for a D, I wanted to work on the M so I waited. If YOU want out of the M and have no second thoughts about filing then do so. But, if you really don't want to end the M don't file, just yet. It cost almost $3,000 in lawyer fees and we never got D! That is a lot of money to blow away for nothing. Tell your H if he doesn't file, you will. Is he continuing to still see the OW? I am so sorry for you pain. It is he!! to go through. My H and I didn't have any NC b/c of our two children. On the days he didn't have to play golf he would come over to see the kids. At times I stayed w/ them, a few times I left b/c I needed to stay away from him and give him time w/ the kids alone. When I did stay all we did was talk about our relationship. On the weekends he spent w/ the OW or he went to the baseball games out of town. We didn't see much of eachother on the weekends b/c he was w/ her, at games, or I went back to my hometown to be w/ my family for support. I also moved away back to my hometown as soon as my kids finish their school year. I went back for the court hearing for child support and alimony. After I moved away a month later, exactly, H called and admitted to the A. He said he wanted the M to work and if we were going to try to save our M he needed to start being honest w/ me. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted the M to work b/c I couldn't trust him anymore and I didn't know if I ever could. It took me a few weeks of a lot of thinking. I decided to give the M a try but I told him he needed to go to IC b4 I would take him back. I told him that if I see things going back to the way they were b4 he had an A the M couldn't work. He did change, for the better, but we still have our arguements and disagreements like most M. Best wishes and I hope your H comes to his senses and stops playing the waiting game. He either wants out of the M or he doesn't. You can continue to stay separated for awhile but to leave you hanging not knowing what he wants is hard. If he wants out he needs to tell you so you can get on w/ your life. GL
Author dgiirl Posted June 20, 2005 Author Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin As for him filing, hmmmm, sounds weird why he keeps putting it off if he wants out of the M. It's really hard to say if he's telling me the truth or not. His excuses sound logical, (now his lawyer's mother is dying with cancer in the hospital), but when it comes down to results, nothing's been done. He's already found an apartment now, and will be moving in the next week. Prior to that, he was living with his parents. It might be wishful thinking on my side, but I dont think he's had a chance to experience what lifes going to be like w/o me cos he was at his parents. I also dont think he's had much of a chance to spend with the ow because I really doubt he'd tell his parents so soon because he'd feel ashamed. But in all honesty, I have no clue if he's living with her or stopped seeing her altogether. I feel like there's two people inside my husband. The one I love, and the one I hate. Someone who I thought would never do this, and someone who's doing it and has no remorse. Sometimes when I talk to him, he's done a complete 180 into this stranger. I'm confused at the whole thing. I also moved away back to my hometown as soon as my kids finish their school year. I went back for the court hearing for child support and alimony. After I moved away a month later, exactly, H called and admitted to the A. He said he wanted the M to work and if we were going to try to save our M he needed to start being honest w/ me. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted the M to work b/c I couldn't trust him anymore and I didn't know if I ever could. It took me a few weeks of a lot of thinking. I decided to give the M a try but I told him he needed to go to IC b4 I would take him back. I told him that if I see things going back to the way they were b4 he had an A the M couldn't work. He did change, for the better, but we still have our arguements and disagreements like most M. I think that's my only hope right now. If I start to file, and I start to move on with my life, he'll actually think about what he's doing. This might sound corny, but right now, I still feel connected to my husband. It's slowly going away, but I still feel that he's just a phone call away, if something terrible happens he'd be there for me, and I assume he feels that since he knows where i'm living. I need to break that connection so he doesnt feel comfortable with how life is right now. Best wishes and I hope your H comes to his senses and stops playing the waiting game. He either wants out of the M or he doesn't. You can continue to stay separated for awhile but to leave you hanging not knowing what he wants is hard. If he wants out he needs to tell you so you can get on w/ your life. GL Thanks for your support.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Have any of you been separated from your spouse because your spouse left to be with the ow only to have them come back to you? How long was your separation? Why did they come back? How did you act during your separation? Did you guys communicate or do strict no contact? My cousin. 3-4 years apart, no contact, they met again by chance while waiting for a train.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 About 4 years ago my husband and I separated for 3 months. I up and left which was very wrong of me, I know now. We went to MC and got back together. We never really worked on the marriage as we found out 3 yrs later, when things got bad again and now we've been separated 5 months. This time I believe it's permanent as I've bought my own home and we split all our possessions. We can't do NC because we have two kids and we share custody 50-50 and we both see them almost every day at their activities, and we talk to each other almost every day regarding the kids. It kind of is like NC because we haven't actually talked about "us" but we never really ever did talk about "us" in our 13 yr marriage. I was out with a date last weekend, and he made a comment....he said he believed that me and my ex would get back together. I asked Why? Is it because I talk about him so much?...I think I spent the rest of the night talking about ALL my ex boyfriends and escapades LOL. So here you have it. If you get back together, please make sure everything is out on the table and complete forgiveness is at hand. I found out when it was all over that he never really forgave me for leaving 4 yrs earlier.
Author dgiirl Posted June 20, 2005 Author Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 So here you have it. If you get back together, please make sure everything is out on the table and complete forgiveness is at hand. I found out when it was all over that he never really forgave me for leaving 4 yrs earlier. I know that feeling. My stbxh brought up something from my past which he said he forgave me for, but then he used it as an excuse to rub it in my face and justify his reasons for leaving. I did this prior to the marriage, and it was over 10 years ago. I shouldnt still be punished for something he said was forgiven. I think they just use it to justify their own actions. Anyways, thanks for all your stories guys. I signed the initial papers today. I'm actually happy too because I just found out a bailiff has to hand deliver them to him. If papers got served to me, I think i'd freak out uncontrollably. So I'm happy it's him and not me. As my lawyer said, this should get a response one way or another out of him
StillHurtin Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl I know that feeling. My stbxh brought up something from my past which he said he forgave me for, but then he used it as an excuse to rub it in my face and justify his reasons for leaving. I did this prior to the marriage, and it was over 10 years ago. I shouldnt still be punished for something he said was forgiven. I think they just use it to justify their own actions. Anyways, thanks for all your stories guys. I signed the initial papers today. I'm actually happy too because I just found out a bailiff has to hand deliver them to him. If papers got served to me, I think i'd freak out uncontrollably. So I'm happy it's him and not me. As my lawyer said, this should get a response one way or another out of him My H has done that too me, but hasn't in several years. I hate to admit, but b4 I met H I had several lovers. He has brought up to me that he never trusted me b/c of my past. But, when the A was going on, he never brought it up to make himself look better or justify the M b/c I had more lovers. It's so stupid that ppl have to bring up the past of what you did when you didn't even know them at the time. So you decided to file huh? Right now, I think that is probably the best thing as he shows no sign of wanting to get back 2gether again, at least now. You'll have to let us know how it goes, and what he says when he gets those papers. He will be shocked I think.
Author dgiirl Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin My H has done that too me, but hasn't in several years. I hate to admit, but b4 I met H I had several lovers. He has brought up to me that he never trusted me b/c of my past. But, when the A was going on, he never brought it up to make himself look better or justify the M b/c I had more lovers. It's so stupid that ppl have to bring up the past of what you did when you didn't even know them at the time. What's in the past is in the past. If you say everything is fine and you still want the relationship, then dont bring up the past later in life. It'd be completely different if it was repeating itself, but it wasnt. So you decided to file huh? Right now, I think that is probably the best thing as he shows no sign of wanting to get back 2gether again, at least now. You'll have to let us know how it goes, and what he says when he gets those papers. He will be shocked I think. Yeah, and to top the day off, I just found some information that confirms he's still talking with her, if not doing much more. I think I was/am (keep going back into) in denial about their whole relationship that i need to be reminded over and over again. I'm in shock because he was here one day and gone the next, and never once gave me an idea that he was unhappy. I dont want to know what's going on in his life. I dont want to know that he's going to marry her, have a family with her, all the things I wanted for us to have. I just dont want to know. My stbxh is going to be pissed when he gets the papers. I'm sending them to his office because it's either that or his parents house. I dont want to hurt them even more, so it's going to the office. He only works with two other people, so it's not such a big deal if I send it to the office. But he's going to be pissed all day long while at work and then get mad at me because he couldnt work. Why the hell does he get to be pissed off at me, I'll never understand.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Where I am from you have to be separated for a full year before you can file for divorce, unless you can prove adultery or physical abuse. And the adulteror/ess cannot file, it has to be the other one.
Author dgiirl Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 Here, I can file and start the process. We can divide up the assets and everything way before the year ends, but it only becomes official at the end of the year. If all the paper work is in order, it passes the judges desk, he stamps it, and it's over with. I'm a bit nervous... he's probably been served already... either today or tomorrow
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl I'm a bit nervous... he's probably been served already... either today or tomorrow Be strong, dgiirl.
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