I'm Done With OLD... Again

April 20, 2016

but I feel like you have a defeatist, woe-is-me attitude about all this, and I feel like that is your biggest hurdle to overcome.

I definitely do, especially when fresh on the heels of rejection. As mentioned earlier, the back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back horrible experiences have made it quite difficult to keep at it. “Defeatist” is right. I feel extremely defeated when it comes to dating. It feels like being bludgeoned over the head with a club, over and over and over again. I got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore, so I called it quits, and proclaimed I was taking a break. Why I came back to it, I have no idea. I was enjoying myself more in my cave of solitude.

When you say the bolded, it sounds like you're slapping yourself in the face.

That remark was partly sarcastic. As in, why is every little tiny thing that I do, say, think, or ask considered a man repellent? I'm usually a pretty up-front person, and I'm usually not afraid to say what I'm thinking. This is why I freeze up when dating. Asking him if he was on a date would be considered pretty bold and maybe even intrusive by some, I guess, but that's just the kind of person I am. I'm thinking, "If you're so into me, you won't mind if I ask this crazy question. Maybe you'll even consider that a sign of confidence. Like, wow - this girl really doesn't give a f**k what anyone else thinks. That's awesome."

April 20, 2016

I guess my conclusion was based on not believing a man could be so freakin stupid as to make such a comment to a woman he had just had an awesome date with and with whom a second date (the hiking) was upcoming.

As I mentioned in an earlier post on this thread, this does not surprise me at all. On the list of dumba** comments that have been uttered by some of the neanderthals I've been on dates with, this is definitely not the worst. Not even close.

So I guess this is next then? You're not gonna contact him? What about your hiking trip? Are you gonna break the date?

Nope, that's it. I dipped my toe back into OLD and basically got it bitten off... and quickly. I'm not going to contact him. I'm done. Oh, I'll still go on my hiking trip. I'll just be going by myself, which is A-ok with me.

April 21, 2016

I definitely do, especially when fresh on the heels of rejection. As mentioned earlier, the back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back horrible experiences have made it quite difficult to keep at it. “Defeatist” is right. I feel extremely defeated when it comes to dating. It feels like being bludgeoned over the head with a club, over and over and over again. I got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore, so I called it quits, and proclaimed I was taking a break. Why I came back to it, I have no idea. I was enjoying myself more in my cave of solitude.

The defeatist attitude precedes the rejection--that's why assumed it was one. It's a vicious cycle. Because then it becomes an actual rejection/failure. And you tell yourself that you were right, everything was doomed, etc. Classify things as horrible experiences, etc.

If you go back into your cave, you will likely put much more importance and more sensitivity into the next encounter with a guy. What you want to do is expose yourself more and take more risks so that you can see it's no big deal. What is the worst can happen?

Let's even say that he was rejecting you on the way to another date by text. Is that horrible? Or is it the funny story you will with your witty personality tell your friends or your new guy at some point? Or will it be (as I have seen MANY times!!!!) something you give this guy who ends up becoming your bf sh*t over for the next several years, teasingly? You get to choose how you characterize this event and how it fits into the story of your life. Choose a way that will support the person you are, want to be. Take a risk that might get you what you want.

My friend/acquaintance told me a story the other day about how her friend met her husband. She had NO date on valentines. So she went out and sat at the bar (counter) of a bar---on VALENTINE'S!!! Jesus, even I'm thinking wow, that takes guts. She had recently been broken up with and that night met the guy who became her husband. You never know. You just have to see things from other angles sometimes. By going out that night in particular alone, one thing was for sure, a guy who thought she was cute was probably safe in assuming she was single--and bingo. Whereas maybe in the past, she was too intimidating either in her looks or surrounded by a group of friends.

Please don't go into your cave. Try other avenues since OLD can be bleak perhaps. I know you have tried other avenues btw. I do think you will have success. You just need to dial down caring so much. Good luck

April 21, 2016

I’m done with OLD… again.

online dating is a complete waste of time for most people

April 21, 2016

The defeatist attitude precedes the rejection--that's why assumed it was one. It's a vicious cycle. Because then it becomes an actual rejection/failure. And you tell yourself that you were right, everything was doomed, etc. Classify things as horrible experiences, etc.

A self-fulfilling prophecy.

"A self-fulfilling prophecy is an assumption or prediction that, purely as a result of having been made, cause the expected or predicted event to occur and thus confirms its own 'accuracy.'"

Paul Watzlawick

April 21, 2016

And even if he is, he wouldn't be so stupid as to tell you because he would be a fool to mess it up with you. That's why you let him have his little charade of sunday night plans or whatever. And you presume and let him know that you presume it's with friends or it's unspoken. I also think not asking let's him know that you are doing as you please as well until an exclusivity conversation comes up. It basically implies: don't ask, don't tell. Makes you more mysterious, less needy, as an amazing woman with options.

The bolded literally made me laugh out loud. Thank you for that.

I think if you've been working on your confidence, the next part to work on is the defeatism and all or nothing attitude.

Isn't this part of being confident, though? When I responded with, "Yep," I was hoping to convey that a) I'm not competing with someone else over you - don't need to, b) That joke was quite rude, you douchecanoe, and c) My one-word response should indicate to you that I have no problem dropping you like a dirty dish rag in a second. That's confident, right? Maybe just a little?

April 21, 2016

What you want to do is expose yourself more and take more risks so that you can see it's no big deal.

Ah, yes. Exposure therapy. Kind of like when someone who is afraid of heights is forced to endure situations where they have to repeatedly face that fear, with the hope that they'll eventually conquer the fear of heights?

I think the other word for that is torture. Lol

I kid, I kid. I see what you're saying, though. I'm just not sure I have it in me anymore, though. I dread going on out on dates. That's not the kind of attitude I should have about this, and I feel that it's unfair to the person I'm going on a date with. They won't get the best version of me. They'll get the beaten up and dejected version of me. That's not attractive. I had to muster up a lot of enthusiasm to go on the ONE date I had with the guy who is the subject of this thread. I need to sit on the sidelines a bit and rest.

April 21, 2016

The bolded literally made me laugh out loud. Thank you for that.

Isn't this part of being confident, though? When I responded with, "Yep," I was hoping to convey that a) I'm not competing with someone else over you - don't need to, b) That joke was quite rude, you douchecanoe, and c) My one-word response should indicate to you that I have no problem dropping you like a dirty dish rag in a second. That's confident, right? Maybe just a little?

Bolded -- so does that mean (1) you expect a man to be exclusive with you (not date anyone else) after only one date with you?

OR (2) simply that you don't appreciate being told about it?

Or both?

Re no. 2... assuming he was talking about his other date (if he even did have another date I still think it's possible he was referring to you), fair enough, except you opened that door by asking the question.

He answered truthfully, and now is being dumped by you because of it. After having an awesome and wonderful first date.

I agree probably best to take that break after all....

I am!! And really enjoying it! :)

Edited April 21, 2016 by katiegrl

April 21, 2016

OLD and Dating Apps are the same as going into a convenient store, buying a scratch ticket and winning big bucks. Is it possible to win? Yes. Is it likely you'll win big? No. Those are your odds...

April 21, 2016

The bolded literally made me laugh out loud. Thank you for that.

Isn't this part of being confident, though? When I responded with, "Yep," I was hoping to convey that a) I'm not competing with someone else over you - don't need to, b) That joke was quite rude, you douchecanoe, and c) My one-word response should indicate to you that I have no problem dropping you like a dirty dish rag in a second. That's confident, right? Maybe just a little?

sure, the little charade part is to kind of take it with a grain of salt. You kinda have to approach it like I'm the best he'll ever find so sure go right ahead and go on those little coffee dates lol. You don't say that though--it's just in your head. Though if it does come out, I would handle it somewhat like that in the first couple of months before it's reasonable to be exclusive. Tease him confidently.

"All or nothing" is a reference to the way people view situations. In psychology, it's typically a not helpful thing. Which is how I see how you are characterizing some of your interactions, like this one. The all or nothing you mention right now seems to indicate taking a risk, which I generally think is a good thing and you would benefit from. Well a somewhat calculated risk. Like if you were to ask him a different question texting that day, one which was a risk and where you had to go out on a limb a bit but still were not showing a needy side but more a confident one. Being vulnerable can be the confident move used in the right place. I think you should also confine early talks to stuff about you and him, his life, your life. And as getting to know any stranger, avoid impolite subjects where there is a conflict of interest. Like politics or in this case, who else he is dating!

The yep was blunt. And I'm guessing a 180 from how you had been communicating with him and how it was obvious that you perceived his response, regardless of how he intended it. Therefore, as others have indicated, he knows you are mad or upset. Depending on how invested he is or how vulnerable HE wants to be, will probably dictate how he will handle. Have to admit, with only a short time knowing you, yes it's very likely he will do nothing. Doesn't want to look bad to you, doesn't want to deal with an irrational girl who in his view brought it upon herself (not saying you ARE irrational but keep in mind he may), may feel like you don't get his humor and it's not worth the trouble. May be putting the whole situation on the back burner until you reach out. You can still reach out without being desperate or a doormat. Taking a risk, bear, or is it bare?, with me here....IS reaching out to him--if you can do it confidently and kinda resurrect from the last interaction. I'm sure some of us can help you figure out what to say. I 100% agree that the hike is the motivating factor/reason for reaching out. Unfortunately, things are not like they are in the movies where if he really liked you, he'd move mountains to beg you back after such a short time. With a handful of guys, yes. The majority, no.

So to answer your a,b,c points. Yes, you are not competing with anyone else. There is no reason to. I'm the best you will find buddy. At this juncture, it's too early to tell you not to date anyone else but good luck with that. That is done positively, teasingly. Hard to do--that's why it's better to adopt the don't ask, don't tell policy. But if it's out or somewhat implied, you've got to roll with it like you are awesome and that you are focused on what you and he have because it's appropriate due to the time frame but maybe his priority has dropped because of the info leak. The biggest point is that you can't act like you are upset really. That shows that you are too invested, too emotional--which are red flags for most guys, who don't want the drama. Put it like this, if you truly believe he has no right to date others at this point, or sit with the information and find it still making you uncomfortable after the initial shock, you can always decide not to keep dating him. I telling you stuff to still keep you in the game with him. You can always do the right stuff for that and then go off on your own, have a think and decide it's not worth it to you. Not from an emotional place, but if you've been more exposed to this guy, rather than basking in the new hope of what everything could be and seeing him like some god, see him for a more normal guy and decide, meh, he's not all that. Then you just don't make future plans with him.

B) guys tend to be more rude, blunt than we do. They make mistakes. You asked the question after all so he thinks you can handle the answer. He may be trying to diffuse with a joke rather than get into the "what are we" conversation. he is also trying to see if you can hang, which will represent to him how worthy you are.

C)yes "yep" was somewhat confident....and somewhat angry. You needed, IMO, to find the balance of a response that shows you are not so invested, not angry, but not impressed either. Idk, flipping it is usually good. meaning maybe you could pretend like he didn't mean date. Like "oh good, have fun on your "date" ", as if it was a code word for something else. Again that presumes he has no business and would never be so stupid as to tell you about another date. Then what's he gonna say: no I'm really going on one! he's gonna think this chick thinks I can't get other girls. I'm gonna prove it to her that i'm sexy, attractive, impressive, whatever. Idk, something along those lines. My advice, don't reply until you are fairly certain what you are saying back to him is in the right zone!! Like if you hadn't replied until you were less angry, it would both show indifference and you could have come up with a good response. Again, I lean toward a response that bats it right back to him.

I believe that you have been increasing your confidence. Just be kind to yourself and know that as you use it on people sometimes it will come out awkwardly or and little jumpy. Do whatever you need to do to keep practicing it and controlling on your end what you can do to make it come out steadier and more in line consistently with "confidence". Sometimes that means taking a moment or a day to reply. You are not validating his right to date others. But you are not rolling over like you are not #1 in the game!!! You can come up with a response that achieves that that's why I keep going back to pretending with him like he was joking about the "date". Inherent in that is the assumption of: I know you wouldn't dare TELL me you were dating others and why would you be if you are dating me. and then drop it, going back to somewhat of a don't ask, don't tell policy (for now! at some point it's not ok, but i don't think that point is now).

April 21, 2016

Ah, yes. Exposure therapy. Kind of like when someone who is afraid of heights is forced to endure situations where they have to repeatedly face that fear, with the hope that they'll eventually conquer the fear of heights?

I think the other word for that is torture. Lol

I kid, I kid. I see what you're saying, though. I'm just not sure I have it in me anymore, though. I dread going on out on dates. That's not the kind of attitude I should have about this, and I feel that it's unfair to the person I'm going on a date with. They won't get the best version of me. They'll get the beaten up and dejected version of me. That's not attractive. I had to muster up a lot of enthusiasm to go on the ONE date I had with the guy who is the subject of this thread. I need to sit on the sidelines a bit and rest.

Well that's why I say do other things besides OLD to meet guys. maybe have that as a secondary purpose. The primary purpose let's say would be the activity or event and in the course of enjoying yourself doing these things, you expose yourself to a dating population and maybe even attempt some friendships with guys that have the potential for more. So maybe sideline yourself by focusing differently but don't sideline yourself altogether. For a week or two, ok. That gives this whole interaction way more importance than it is worthy of if you sideline yourself for more than that. Presumes something is wrong with you or that douchecanoe had more going on than he did or more power over you. Neither. Keep it moving in the direction of your goals. I say ask him on the hike; learn from it. If you are going to be rejected, really be rejected. Not fake or half rejected or throw yourself on the sword like you are doing now. I think if he's into you, he will accept the hike and start clean slateish. Let's be fair: you shouldn't have asked the question; you need a clean slate as much as he does!

In the meantime, plan for some festivals, concerts, stuff you like. Things where you can interact with people of both sexes. Engage in your life. Don't put this goal of yours off the table; but maybe take the focus off of it while actively putting yourself in the way of places where you might find him. Good luck

April 21, 2016

Wanting a second date with the other woman would be a dealbreaker for me.

If you're unsure if he was talking about a second date with you or with her, then you're going to have to ask him.

April 21, 2016

The whole thing is just a miscommunication. He's probably wondering what it was all about too.

If I were him, I'd just start again in a couple of days, and make another date invite. The ball's in his court, in my opinion.

You could initiate a text too though. Not exactly against the law

April 21, 2016

Yeah. I’m done. He reached out to me this morning. Asked if I was attempting to ghost on him. I laughed and told him no and that I thought I was the one getting ghosted.

I told him that I thought maybe he was trying to tell me that he was really into the girl he went on a date with on Sunday. His response?

“Nah. I’m not ready to be ‘really into’ someone yet.”

Soooooo… I’m done. With him and with dating… again. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

April 21, 2016

Well that's why I say do other things besides OLD to meet guys. maybe have that as a secondary purpose. The primary purpose let's say would be the activity or event and in the course of enjoying yourself doing these things, you expose yourself to a dating population and maybe even attempt some friendships with guys that have the potential for more. So maybe sideline yourself by focusing differently but don't sideline yourself altogether. For a week or two, ok. That gives this whole interaction way more importance than it is worthy of if you sideline yourself for more than that. Presumes something is wrong with you or that douchecanoe had more going on than he did or more power over you. Neither. Keep it moving in the direction of your goals. I say ask

I am honestly beginning to believe the bolded.

April 21, 2016

... and for the record, I'm glad I asked the question, because I now know that he and I are on two totally different pages.

April 21, 2016

I am honestly beginning to believe the bolded.

Nope, not really. He just told you that he is not ready to seriously be into someone. That's about him. Also I'm not 100% convinced that he didn't say that just to get you to lower your expectations and take the heat off after the other night. It's a legitimate place to be in (for him) to take a while to want to be serious. Am I getting the feeling too many people watch and BELIEVE romantic movies????

He reached out to you. Sounds like he was looking for reassurance and a way to continue. You saw the whole thing from a defeatist point of view. I think you still need to tweek how you approach dating. Blaming this guy whether he is a douchecanoe or not (i don't think he necessarily is), will not help you get what you want. Stop seeing guys as the enemy or unattainable. Nothing is wrong with you. You just need to relax, lower your sensitivities, stop giving up before it's time to give up. Hand in hand with confidence is positivity. I don't see much of that. If you take a time out, work on that as well. Good luck

April 21, 2016

I see why his response would make you move on from him. If someone isn't ready and motivated to have a serious relationship, I wouldn't waste my time on him. However, it's a bit of an overreaction for it to make you want to stop dating altogether.

April 21, 2016

Nope, not really. He just told you that he is not ready to seriously be into someone. That's about him. Also I'm not 100% convinced that he didn't say that just to get you to lower your expectations and take the heat off after the other night. It's a legitimate place to be in (for him) to take a while to want to be serious. Am I getting the feeling too many people watch and BELIEVE romantic movies????

I see what you're saying, but I'm not looking for an overnight, princess fairy tale romance. That would indeed be silly. I am, however, ready for a LTR. He isn't. That alone is reason for me to move on. I'm not going to date someone who isn't on the same page.

He reached out to you. Sounds like he was looking for reassurance and a way to continue. You saw the whole thing from a defeatist point of view. I think you still need to tweek how you approach dating. Blaming this guy whether he is a douchecanoe or not (i don't think he necessarily is), will not help you get what you want. Stop seeing guys as the enemy or unattainable. Nothing is wrong with you. You just need to relax, lower your sensitivities, stop giving up before it's time to give up. Hand in hand with confidence is positivity. I don't see much of that. If you take a time out, work on that as well. Good luck

I agree that I do need to adjust my attitude when it comes to how I view dating, for sure. It's just really difficult after so many failed attempts.

April 21, 2016

I see why his response would make you move on from him. If someone isn't ready and motivated to have a serious relationship, I wouldn't waste my time on him. However, it's a bit of an overreaction for it to make you want to stop dating altogether.

His response was just the straw that broke the camel's already broken back.

April 21, 2016

“Nah. I’m not ready to be ‘really into’ someone yet.”

You should have said "Oh ok well I AM and I want someone who is ready too".

April 21, 2016

You should have said "Oh ok well I AM and I want someone who is ready too".

I think I will. That conversation is soooo uncomfortable and soooo unfortunate, because I like him. But it needs to be said.

And the thing is - we've had this conversation at least a couple of times before in different ways. On the one hand, he says he’s ready for a deeply intimate, serious relationship with someone. Then, a few minutes later, he’ll say he’s not looking for that right now.

So, he wants a serious relationship… just not right now? I mean, I get that, but then I don’t. I don’t need him to put a ring on my finger tomorrow, but a serious relationship is something that I want in my life, and I’d rather it not be 10 years from now. I even jokingly suggested that he try out Tinder instead of Match, because Tinder has more of a reputation for being a “hang-n-bang” site and Match has a reputation for being a more serious dating site. I told him that most of the women he’s going to meet on Match are probably looking for serious relationships. He didn’t have much to say to that.

All I know is that I now feel like I’m wasting my time. If someone isn't “really into” me after getting to know me for weeks and still feels the need to shop around and go on other dates, that’s a clear signal to me to move on.

April 21, 2016

I read this whole thread and I have to tell you Lovehorn you are your own worse enemy.

You had only been on 1 date with him, you 2 were not familiar enough to be making jokes on him being on a date with someone else. You joked, he joked back and you got all offended because you started misinterpreting his joking back.

That is why at first you keep the texting to minimum. It's when we text too much too early, when we're trying to fill the moment with conversation that we will say stupid things we regret later = Your joke on him being on a date (stupid joke). If a man had made that joke at me after 1 date he would have made an instant drop in my eyes.

The fact he said he was not ready to 'be into someone' may just be the result of that earlier joke. It changed the vision he had of you.

Conclusion? Slow down on the texting and joking on text. Yes even if it's part of your generation to be texting night and day. Let the man think of you, let him anticipate seeing you, let him wonder about you. Whether this man is 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 + humans nature is what human nature is !

April 21, 2016

Yeah. I’m done.

Seriously, from my short stint, online dating is bizarro world. Don't let it effect you too much

I mean, it's good for a laugh, but to take it seriously is masochism.

April 21, 2016

Seriously, from my short stint, online dating is bizarro world. Don't let it effect you too much

I mean, it's good for a laugh, but to take it seriously is masochism.

It really is, Jabron. I've met the craziest, weirdest, most disturbing people online. Unfortunately, I have pretty similar results IRL as well, so I think it's best to just take a break at this point.

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