I'm Done With OLD... Again

[Cinnamonstix]

There is nothing wrong with your "yep". What are you supposed to say, "Go get em tiger!"?

 

If this guy was seriously into you, he would be sweating right now, wondering if he messed it up with you.

 

And for future, don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to.

[katiegrl]

Oh! Okay. The light bulb JUST went on in my head. I now see what you all have been saying!! I totally missed this. Thanks for explaining again. Lol

 

However, if he was afraid of losing his chance at a second date with ME (not her), why would my "yep" mean that he did? He stopped communicating with me while he was supposedly on his date, which is the polite thing to do for his date. So, the chance is not lost. He did the right thing by not being rude to his date.

 

See my last post. Nevermind his date, texting YOU while on another date would not have been polite which IMO is what he was referring to.

 

Texting YOU while on a date would not be cool (or dangerous - your word), perfect way to lose his chance on second date with YOU!

Edited April 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[serial muse]

There is nothing wrong with your "yep". What are you supposed to say, "Go get em tiger!"?

 

If this guy was seriously into you, he would be sweating right now, wondering if he messed it up with you.

 

And for future, don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to.

 

I mean, OK, let's serious up here.

 

1. He says he's having dinner with a friend that night.

2. She asks joking-not-jokingly if he's currently on his date.

3. He says "lol".

4. She says joking-not-jokingly "just want to make sure you're not texting while dating".

5. he gives response about that being a perfect way to lose a second date.

 

OK, maybe he shouldn't be joking about being on another date with another woman without being sure of his rapport with the OP, but doing so is hardly a sign of insufficient interest if he thinks she started the joke and he is playing along. Do you guys not see how he might think she started that particular joke??? OP? That's really different from him saying it in the first place. I strongly suspect he thought you were kidding and you even pretended you were, but actually you weren't.

 

Yes, it's possible that he's just that big of a jerk that he really meant he was multi-dating and telling you about it over text because you asked and then joking about not texting with you on the date because he doesn't want to blow his chances with another woman or with you or whatever any of that convoluted reasoning could mean. It's possible. I hope not and it seems like a heckuva lot of overthinking to me, but I can't possibly know for sure.

 

But I suspect that the bottom line is that you're feeling wounded from previous experiences, as you said, and all too prepared to believe the worst. Maybe...that just means you really aren't ready to date at this point. Which is OK, too, of course.

 

There's nothing wrong with "yep", in the sense that it's completely noncommittal. But in the best-case scenario - that he was kidding - it would be confusing, because you started a joke that he riffed on and then you seemed to drop away suddenly.

 

I don't know, it seems like a shame to me, but perhaps he's just a giant coldhearted douchecanoe after all and it's good riddance to him. Cue the shruggie icon. I got nothing else on this one. Good luck, OP.

[kendahke]

I'm pretty sure that saying goes "in vino veritas"... not "in iocus veritas".

 

No, the saying is “In jest, there is truth.”

 

 

― William Shakespeare, King Lear

 

 

 

It isn't latin or a latin translation.

Edited April 20, 2016 by kendahke

[LoveRefreshed]

No, the saying is "truth in jest". It isn't latin or a latin translation.

 

You know, never heard that one. I have heard people claim that 90% of sarcasm is truth... so I guess the same thing in the end... still those sayings aren't really sayings, IMO.

 

Edit- I don't read Shakespeare, but apparently, those are real sayings.

[kendahke]

You know, never heard that one. I have heard people claim that 90% of sarcasm is truth... so I guess the same thing in the end... still those sayings aren't really sayings, IMO.

 

Edit- I don't read Shakespeare, but apparently, those are real sayings.

 

google is your friend

[Lovelorn00]

Lovelorn.

 

If you are going to go after people who are multi dating you have to treat them as disposable as they are treating you.

 

So instead of worrying about this guy go out and have some fun. Trust your gut.

 

They are only worthy of you when they prove they are.

 

You're right, and I am. I'm just butthurt over the way he expressed himself.

[kendahke]

google is your friend

 

It appears first in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales in 1387 then 250 years later, Shakespeare writes it. The term was then modernized 60 years later in the Roxburghe Ballad.

 

This is the reason why comedy works.

[Lovelorn00]

Well, I for one am something of a glutton for punishment, so I might. If he has rejected you, you really have nothing left to lose.

 

If anything, it may bring you some clarity on the situation.

 

But that's just me.

 

I am, too. CLEARLY. Considering my dating habits. Lol

[Cinnamonstix]

I mean, OK, let's serious up here.

 

1. He says he's having dinner with a friend that night.

2. She asks joking-not-jokingly if he's currently on his date.

3. He says "lol".

4. She says joking-not-jokingly "just want to make sure you're not texting while dating".

5. he gives response about that being a perfect way to lose a second date.

 

OK, maybe he shouldn't be joking about being on another date with another woman without being sure of his rapport with the OP, but doing so is hardly a sign of insufficient interest if he thinks she started the joke and he is playing along. Do you guys not see how he might think she started that particular joke??? OP? That's really different from him saying it in the first place. I strongly suspect he thought you were kidding and you even pretended you were, but actually you weren't.

 

Yes, it's possible that he's just that big of a jerk that he really meant he was multi-dating and telling you about it over text because you asked and then joking about not texting with you on the date because he doesn't want to blow his chances with another woman or with you or whatever any of that convoluted reasoning could mean. It's possible. I hope not and it seems like a heckuva lot of overthinking to me, but I can't possibly know for sure.

 

But I suspect that the bottom line is that you're feeling wounded from previous experiences, as you said, and all too prepared to believe the worst. Maybe...that just means you really aren't ready to date at this point. Which is OK, too, of course.

 

There's nothing wrong with "yep", in the sense that it's completely noncommittal. But in the best-case scenario - that he was kidding - it would be confusing, because you started a joke that he riffed on and then you seemed to drop away suddenly.

 

I don't know, it seems like a shame to me, but perhaps he's just a giant coldhearted douchecanoe after all and it's good riddance to him. Cue the shruggie icon. I got nothing else on this one. Good luck, OP.

 

Actually it went like this:

LL: “Are you on your date now?”

Him: “Lol, almost.”

 

Meaning he is almost on his date (probably on his way). He's not joking. Her question wasn't a joke. She recovered what could have been taken as interrogation by joking around.

[Versacehottie]

Due to a few moments of weakness, I decided to dip my toe back into OLD. I’m supposed to be on a break from dating overall, because I’ve had so many back-to-back horrible experiences. But, I met this guy, and we seemed to hit it off. Met up for dinner/drinks recently and had an absolutely wonderful time. We’ve been texting/talking on the phone pretty frequently since we matched. After our date, his interest seemed to increase. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person. He told me he had such a good time and that he definitely wants to see me again. We even planned (tentatively) to go hiking together soon, whenever I can get a day off.

 

This past Sunday, we’re texting each other as usual. Conversation is pleasant, humorous, light. He tells me that he has to go, because he’s about to meet a friend for dinner. I assume he means he’s going on a date with someone else. “That’s fine,” I think to myself. Everybody’s multi-dating/testing the waters. He can do what he wants. We continue texting, but I start to feel a little weird, and I can’t put my finger on why. He continues to text, and I finally ask, “Are you on your date now?” He responds, “Lol, almost.” I respond, “Oh, gotcha. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t texting while dating. Dangerous stuff. ” You know – just a joke. He responds the next day, “Of course not! That would be incredibly rude and the perfect way to lose my chance at a second date!”

 

Ouch.

 

If I’m reading this correctly, he’s basically telling me that he really hopes to land a second date with another woman. I know I’m not justified in feeling this way, but it kinda makes me feel crappy. I know that it’s normal to date around in the beginning stages, but I’m not used to being told so blatantly that some other girl beat me out. I responded with a “yep” and haven’t heard from him since. That was a few days ago. Double ouch.

 

Did I interpret this correctly? He’s basically telling me that he’s no longer interested, right? Even though he told me he wanted to see me again hours earlier?

 

I’m going to retreat back into my cave of solitude now. I’m done with OLD… again.

 

I bolded a couple of the problems. Sure, at the stage you are it's safe to assume that he is dating others. HOWEVER, by saying what you did, you both acknowledge it and give him permission essentially!!!!! Um, no.! Never. Plus in a way, it was asking for reassurance. Um, no never.

 

He's not telling you he's not interested but not so smart on his part either. He thinks he has permission from you and is testing the waters with his comment back. I do think your value in his eyes went down with the whole exchange. A confident women would have perhaps made the same assumption and then knowing that he would quickly jump to similar conclusions if he was multi-dating, vaguely indicate that you need to get on with your evening plans. Then yep from you shows that you are not confident or happy about it, which begs the question (to him and us), why did you ask then?!??

 

I think you are a really cool girl. I can't wait to see you get the guy of your dreams. This was a misstep on your part (and his too with his response). Don't throw in the towel or let it defeat you. Take it with a grain of salt and sense of humor. We all make dating mistakes. You are reading too much into it and have too high of expectations if something so small should crush you. Please find a way to laugh at this and keep moving. You will find out soon enough if he doesn't meet YOUR standards. Don't ever assume another girl has beat you out. One second you have the (correct) assumption that yes he is probably multi-dating and are not too phased by it. Then two seconds later with confirmation from him that you are correct, you're assuming you've lost the battle. Um no never. Unless you think he's an ass for passing this info along in which case he no longer is someone you are interested in. That I can get behind. The rest no.

 

I can't preach it enough to you. Confidence, confidence, confidence. Fake it til you make it. You're cool. come on!!

[Lovelorn00]

And for future, don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to.

 

Yeah, I cringed right after I asked, "Are you on your date now?" In a way, I kind of backed him into a corner. His options at that point were either a) lie or b) be honest and joke around. I think he took option b.

[Versacehottie]

Could it be possible that his response was just a joke as well? Texting can be super ambiguous at times which is why I dislike so much. Except for making plans and such.

 

Anyway, I would have taken it as a joke and bantering (since YOU yourself were joking) and then arranged to meet in person.

 

Just me but I love that sort of banter.... and I would have dished it right back to him as well....

 

yep, if you're going to ask, this is the confident response.

[Versacehottie]

Agreed, if he said he had been looking forward to a second date with you, why could he not be referring to losing a chance with you?

 

I multi dated when I was single but I never alluded to other dates when I was talking to guys... That would be rude and also alienating! Are you sure that's what this guy was doing? If so, that is very odd. And you should look at it as dodging a bullet!

 

yes, yes, yes 1000%

[katiegrl]

Actually it went like this:

LL: “Are you on your date now?”

Him: “Lol, almost.”

 

Meaning he is almost on his date (probably on his way). He's not joking. Her question wasn't a joke. She recovered what could have been taken as interrogation by joking around.

 

See my last post. Nevermind his date, texting YOU while on another date would not have been polite which IMO is what he was referring to.

 

Texting YOU while on a date would not be cool (or dangerous - your word), perfect way to lose his chance on second date with YOU!

 

Again...think about it LL. He wasn't even referring to his date.

 

He was talking about how "dangerous" it would be to text YOU while on another date. That by doing so, he would lose his chance at second date with you.

 

He was joking around!!!

[kendahke]

Yeah, I cringed right after I asked, "Are you on your date now?" In a way, I kind of backed him into a corner. His options at that point were either a) lie or b) be honest and joke around. I think he took option b.

 

You did back him into a corner--there was no "kinda" about it.

 

If I had the same level of involvement with a guy at this juncture and he asked me that question, I'd put him down--he's presuming way too much which could translate to drama ahead.

 

I give him points for not lying.

[Lovelorn00]

Unless you think he's an ass for passing this info along in which case he no longer is someone you are interested in. That I can get behind. The rest no.

 

I do, yes. This goes back to the whole “trusting my gut” thing. Any guy who would willingly make me feel uneasy or unsure of his interest level in me might not be all that interested. That uneasy feeling I’m getting is might be my gut telling me that this guy is a douchecanoe.

I’ll be honest – though I have been rejected in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons, another girl has never been it. Or at least they didn’t tell me that was the case. I’ve been working on my confidence so much that it never even crossed my mind that some other girl could best me. Lol Super arrogant? Yes, I know, but that just goes to show you how much I’ve been working on this confidence thing. So, being told that there’s another girl in the picture is new to me. It’s something new for my dating brain to process.

 

I’ll definitely get to a point where I can laugh about it. This is pretty fresh, so it takes time to get to that point, but I think I will.

[Lovelorn00]

Again...think about it LL. He wasn't even referring to his date.

 

He was talking about how "dangerous" it would be to text YOU while on another date. That by doing so, he would lose his chance at second date with you.

 

He was joking around!!!

 

I think I’m starting to disagree on this. I do see now how you’ve come to that conclusion, but I think he was talking about a second date with HER for the following reasons:

 

 

• There was no “chance” at a second date with me. We both expressed that we’d like to see each other and tentatively agreed to a hiking date. Chance isn't at play here - his second date opportunity with me had pretty much been secured.
  
• He hasn’t communicated with me since Sunday. Since we matched, communication (text AND phone) has been a consistent, every-day occurrence.
  

I'm going to agree with what some others have said here. I think I might’ve scared him off by asking him if he was on a date, but oh well. I guess I’ll add that to my infinitely long list of things to never say, think, do, or ask around a man.

[Cinnamonstix]

I'm going to agree with what some others have said here. I think I might’ve scared him off by asking him if he was on a date, but oh well. I guess I’ll add that to my infinitely long list of things to never say, think, do, or ask around a man.

 

We're always going to end up saying and doing stupid things at some point. But when you connect with someone who really sees you for who you are and thinks "that's the girl for me", they'll think your faux pas are cute and endearing.

[losangelena]

I'm going to agree with what some others have said here. I think I might’ve scared him off by asking him if he was on a date, but oh well. I guess I’ll add that to my infinitely long list of things to never say, think, do, or ask around a man.

 

Oh, LL.

 

More than any of these specific guys you've met and dated and been disappointed by, I really wish this wasn't such a negative process for you.

 

I'm not one of those who say that dating should just be an all-fun, no pressure thing (because, let's be real, it can be incredibly frustrating at times), but I feel like you have a defeatist, woe-is-me attitude about all this, and I feel like that is your biggest hurdle to overcome.

 

Of course you're going to do and say things that are off-putting at times. We all do, we're HUMAN. But I think what you're doing is very self-defeating. It's good to take stock in how you act towards your dates and make adjustments as necessary, but the onus of this is not solely on you. When you say the bolded, it sounds like you're slapping yourself in the face.

 

I don't know how you can shift your mindset from "cave of solitude" to something more positive. But there really is nothing wrong with YOU AS A PERSON for being single or having a hard time meeting someone.

[katiegrl]

I think I’m starting to disagree on this. I do see now how you’ve come to that conclusion, but I think he was talking about a second date with HER for the following reasons:

 

 

• There was no “chance” at a second date with me. We both expressed that we’d like to see each other and tentatively agreed to a hiking date. Chance isn't at play here - his second date opportunity with me had pretty much been secured.
  
• He hasn’t communicated with me since Sunday. Since we matched, communication (text AND phone) has been a consistent, every-day occurrence.
  

I'm going to agree with what some others have said here. I think I might’ve scared him off by asking him if he was on a date, but oh well. I guess I’ll add that to my infinitely long list of things to never say, think, do, or ask around a man.

 

I guess my conclusion was based on not believing a man could be so freakin stupid as to make such a comment to a woman he had just had an awesome date with and with whom a second date (the hiking) was upcoming.

 

I mean you're not his frat buddy for heaven's sake, there are just some things you DON'T say to a new woman, and THAT was one of them.

 

Perhaps he lacks basic social skills and courtesy which if that IS the case, you dodged a bullet.

 

OR, if my conclusion IS correct, again he could have been joking around, bantering and your response "yup" was just a mood killer.

 

Like you were pissed or something (which you were at the time or put off at the very least)... which turned him off.

 

Oh well, guess we will never know for sure.

 

So I guess this is next then? You're not gonna contact him? What about your hiking trip? Are you gonna break the date?

[losangelena]

OR, if my conclusion IS correct, again he could have been joking around, bantering and your response "yup" was just a mood killer.

 

Like you were pissed or something (which you were at the time)... which turned him off.

 

But ... if he really liked LL, would a simple "yep" have really been such a big turn-off? If I had $5 for every time my ex replied to one of my texts with "yep," I would have like, $500.

 

I don't know if I would have necessarily jumped to the most negative conclusion like LL has, but I for sure think it's within the realm of possibility that some man somewhere could actually do this kind of thing.

 

Like I said before, I really don't think the onus of this is all on LL's shoulders. If he really was talking about a second date with another woman, good riddance. If he doesn't have the chutzpah to come back after a "yep" text, good riddance.

[katiegrl]

But ... if he really liked LL, would a simple "yep" have really been such a big turn-off? If I had $5 for every time my ex replied to one of my texts with "yep," I would have like, $500.

 

I don't know if I would have necessarily jumped to the most negative conclusion like LL has, but I for sure think it's within the realm of possibility that some man somewhere could actually do this kind of thing.

 

Like I said before, I really don't think the onus of this is all on LL's shoulders. If he really was talking about a second date with another woman, good riddance. If he doesn't have the chutzpah to come back after a "yep" text, good riddance.

 

I think these very early stages are very fragile.... for both people.

 

I mean LL was put off by HIS comment too. In all honesty, I would have taken it as a joke, light banter, and joked back.

 

Just me though, LL is entitled to feel however she feels.

 

JMO but it's possible they both misinterpreted each other.... as I said texting can be very ambiguous.

 

And in these very early stages (especially after only one date)... when both are feeling each other out.... it's is very easy to misinterpret things and as such get hurt feelings, or become put off, turned off, or whatevs.

Edited April 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

I do, yes. This goes back to the whole “trusting my gut” thing. Any guy who would willingly make me feel uneasy or unsure of his interest level in me might not be all that interested. That uneasy feeling I’m getting is might be my gut telling me that this guy is a douchecanoe.

I’ll be honest – though I have been rejected in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons, another girl has never been it. Or at least they didn’t tell me that was the case. I’ve been working on my confidence so much that it never even crossed my mind that some other girl could best me. Lol Super arrogant? Yes, I know, but that just goes to show you how much I’ve been working on this confidence thing. So, being told that there’s another girl in the picture is new to me. It’s something new for my dating brain to process.

 

I’ll definitely get to a point where I can laugh about it. This is pretty fresh, so it takes time to get to that point, but I think I will.

 

The other girl hadn't bested you yet. It's wrong to assume she did or would. Heck, I'm not even sure there was another one. Like some of the others said, it's totally plausible to me that he was joking and just ran with the joke and meant you for a second date.

 

Let's assume for a second that he was talking about another girl. He could be the type that believes in brutal honesty and you are the one who opened that door. I mean, he may have thought no reason to tell you about it...but when you asked the question...well then he just spit it out. Like I said, that is giving him permission to multi-date, lowering your value. Basically, we all know at the beginning, people are likely dating around. However, how do we want to appear to the guys that actually are dating around??? Like he has no business in the world risking it with you by telling you such a thing, doing such a thing....THAT IS WHY YOU DON'T ASK THE QUESTION. You take the line and presumption, that he would do no such thing when he is dating someone as wonderful as you. And even if he is, he wouldn't be so stupid as to tell you because he would be a fool to mess it up with you. That's why you let him have his little charade of sunday night plans or whatever. And you presume and let him know that you presume it's with friends or it's unspoken. I also think not asking let's him know that you are doing as you please as well until an exclusivity conversation comes up. It basically implies: don't ask, don't tell. Makes you more mysterious, less needy, as an amazing woman with options.

 

I still think it's too soon, too cloudy of a situation to blow off a guy that you connected with a great deal for what could be a misunderstanding. No one is going to be perfect at understanding our needs and how they communicate with us. It may be indicative of a guy with a great sense of humor, that gets slightly out of line sometimes with his humor. Or that didn't use the best judgement in the heat of the moment. For all we know, if he is the posting type, he probably has a thread going somewhere that says: "Did I blow it??".

 

I think if you've been working on your confidence, the next part to work on is the defeatism and all or nothing attitude. This is a small blip, if you want it to be. You know this guy even just from a short amount of time better than we do. So if you really believe he is a douchecanoe (good word, losangelena!), sure no problem let him go. If you aren't sure, and still like him, then bridge the gap and see what happens. If for nothing else than to learn how to take things less seriously, with less sensitivity and less regard for the outcome. I bet you are right to be arrogant-ish. I can tell you are smart, cool and I'm sure pretty. There is NO reason to believe some other girl on a first date with him would be the winner and you the loser. Don't underestimate yourself; the banter you guys have, etc. So many first dates don't even work out. In reverse, almost ALL successful relationships have some bump/blimp, even and especially at the beginning. Just to look at things from another view, the texting about dating is/was an opportunity (once it was done) to connect with him on another level. Show him some more of your banter,cool side, witty personality. And some people may have seen it as a positive rather than presume doom and gloom. I bolded the thing to remind yourself of: no other girl has ever been the reason you lost some guy. The stats were/are in your favor!!!

[katiegrl]

The other girl hadn't bested you yet. It's wrong to assume she did or would. Heck, I'm not even sure there was another one. Like some of the others said, it's totally plausible to me that he was joking and just ran with the joke and meant you for a second date.

 

Let's assume for a second that he was talking about another girl. He could be the type that believes in brutal honesty and you are the one who opened that door. I mean, he may have thought no reason to tell you about it...but when you asked the question...well then he just spit it out. Like I said, that is giving him permission to multi-date, lowering your value. Basically, we all know at the beginning, people are likely dating around. However, how do we want to appear to the guys that actually are dating around??? Like he has no business in the world risking it with you by telling you such a thing, doing such a thing....THAT IS WHY YOU DON'T ASK THE QUESTION. You take the line and presumption, that he would do no such thing when he is dating someone as wonderful as you. And even if he is, he wouldn't be so stupid as to tell you because he would be a fool to mess it up with you. That's why you let him have his little charade of sunday night plans or whatever. And you presume and let him know that you presume it's with friends or it's unspoken. I also think not asking let's him know that you are doing as you please as well until an exclusivity conversation comes up. It basically implies: don't ask, don't tell. Makes you more mysterious, less needy, as an amazing woman with options.

 

I still think it's too soon, too cloudy of a situation to blow off a guy that you connected with a great deal for what could be a misunderstanding. No one is going to be perfect at understanding our needs and how they communicate with us. It may be indicative of a guy with a great sense of humor, that gets slightly out of line sometimes with his humor. Or that didn't use the best judgement in the heat of the moment. For all we know, if he is the posting type, he probably has a thread going somewhere that says: "Did I blow it??".

 

I think if you've been working on your confidence, the next part to work on is the defeatism and all or nothing attitude. This is a small blip, if you want it to be. You know this guy even just from a short amount of time better than we do. So if you really believe he is a douchecanoe (good word, losangelena!), sure no problem let him go. If you aren't sure, and still like him, then bridge the gap and see what happens. If for nothing else than to learn how to take things less seriously, with less sensitivity and less regard for the outcome. I bet you are right to be arrogant-ish. I can tell you are smart, cool and I'm sure pretty. There is NO reason to believe some other girl on a first date with him would be the winner and you the loser. Don't underestimate yourself; the banter you guys have, etc. So many first dates don't even work out. In reverse, almost ALL successful relationships have some bump/blimp, even and especially at the beginning. Just to look at things from another view, the texting about dating is/was an opportunity (once it was done) to connect with him on another level. Show him some more of your banter,cool side, witty personality. And some people may have seen it as a positive rather than presume doom and gloom. I bolded the thing to remind yourself of: no other girl has ever been the reason you lost some guy. The stats were/are in your favor!!!

 

Gawd, that^^ was a good post.