serial muse Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 (edited) OP, my take on that convo, without knowing this guy obviously, is that he was kidding. After all, who calls a first date having dinner with "a friend"? Maybe he is a douchecanoe, but it would take a GIANT douchecanoe to announce that he's dating other people over text and in a very oblique sort of way. It's not impossible, but is it likely? I think the second date he was referring to was one with you. It's odd that he hasn't contacted you in a few days IF you guys had previously been in contact more frequently. But I suspect that "yep" set off warning bells to him that you were upset. Perhaps he doesn't know where you stand here and isn't sure what the next move should be. It's always going to be a gamble, but you've got decent odds in this case. Why not reach out and tell him when you'd like to go hiking (after all, it sounds like that ball was already in your court), and see what happens? Edited April 20, 2016 by serial muse 6
LydiaLong Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Well, it's not very gentleman-like to tell a woman he's going out to meet another woman...even if they have had just one date. It's very gauche to do that. Sometimes a little white lie is a good thing. 3
serial muse Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Well, it's not very gentleman-like to tell a woman he's going out to meet another woman...even if they have had just one date. It's very gauche to do that. Sometimes a little white lie is a good thing. This might be in response to my post, not sure...but if it's a little white lie that he intended to tell to spare her feelings, he sure sucks at it. It really seems unlikely to me that he was on a date with another woman, but who knows. Only one way to find out.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 Just using myself, no matter what I think of the individual I meet initially, I will try really hard to be friendly, engaging and enjoy the time and the moment, but in many instances I absolutely know either there will be no more contact or a gradual fading. The woman might say she had a wonderful time and you can tell but that does NOT mean anything more is going to happen. I see what you're saying now. I agree, however, I don't think he would've mentioned seeing me again twice after our date. I've been on dates that were enjoyable, simply because we were both being enjoyable people, but I knew there wasn't anything there. I tell them that up front and that I'm not interested in seeing them again (even though I had a lovely time). So, if this guy didn't have as wonderful of a time as I did, why would he tell me that he wants to see me again? Why not just pull a slow fade or ghost instead? Seems like a lot more trouble. This is why I keep harping on that phrase in the first line. Some has disagreed with me but I still firmly believe that if a guy is CLEARLY into you, you will absolutely know, from his actions and he damn well WON’T be “joking with you." I definitely agree. If his intention was to "jokingly" tell me that he prefers to see someone else, that's pretty crappy.
LoveRefreshed Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Well, it's not very gentleman-like to tell a woman he's going out to meet another woman...even if they have had just one date. It's very gauche to do that. Sometimes a little white lie is a good thing. Not very lady like to be askin a man his business. 2
dumbass2 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Well, it's not very gentleman-like to tell a woman he's going out to meet another woman...even if they have had just one date. It's very gauche to do that. Sometimes a little white lie is a good thing. If he was going on a date (which is fine since they've been on only one date), then the gentleman-like thing to do is to say that you are going out with a friend. 3
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 And your joke presupposed that he was out on a date with somebody else in the first place, which he played on. He sent that text just two days ago, right? Why jump to the conclusion or even suppose the likelihood that he was rejecting you? I think I'm jumping to that conclusion as a defense mechanism. Maybe it'll sting a little less if I go ahead and assume the worst, ya know? Because the worst seems to happen in these cases anyway. It's a weird, psychological thing. Like, I'm going to go ahead and begin processing the rejection now so that when it finally hits, maybe it won't sting as much. It's messed up, I know. 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 I think I'm jumping to that conclusion as a defense mechanism. Maybe it'll sting a little less if I go ahead and assume the worst, ya know? Because the worst seems to happen in these cases anyway. It's a weird, psychological thing. Like, I'm going to go ahead and begin processing the rejection now so that when it finally hits, maybe it won't sting as much. It's messed up, I know. It's messed up, but I think you're right and it's very insightful of you to see it. That's a big step towards fixing it. Call him up about the hiking trip. 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 Not sure if you're saying that multidating makes him a douchecanoe or if that being honest about multidating makes him a douchecanoe or having a little joke while laying on the usual 'mood killing' multidating truth makes him a douchecanoe. What I can say is that I don't think you know what a douchecanoe means, because it sounds so mean when this guy was being honest upfront AND doing what most women advise men to do- not get too invested after a ONE TIME ... MEET UP. Did you want him to profess his love? Actually act like he's super interested? Because that is the classic highway to the 'over eager' zone. Combined with "Well, I didn't want to date, but I found it hard being lonely", and I can see that most likely OP isn't really in the position to date realistically. I'd like for him to tell me that he's not interested. I don't need reasons. He doesn't need to jokingly rub it in my face that he prefers someone else. Just say, "I had a good time, but I'm not sensing compatibility here," or something along those lines. This isn't just a one-time meetup. This is weeks of communication. My only investment was that we were sort of planning on going hiking together soon. I wasn't planning on marrying him. I'm not in love with him. Multidating definitely does not make him a douchecanoe. Admitting it to the girl you were wooing hours earlier in a joking way does make him a bit of a douchecanoe.
katiegrl Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Definitely possible, as this guy likes to joke around a LOT. His sense of humor is what I found so attractive in the first place. However, his lack of communication over the past couple of days leads me to believe that perhaps he wasn't joking. Fair enough... and my bad but I had forgotten you had already met and clicked! So his comment was sort of rude. Anyway, as another poster said, you are entitled to feel however you want to feel... feelings are never right or wrong. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 I think the bottom line is we really have no idea why he has faded away. It could very well be that he was turned off that you asked him about going on a date or maybe he had a great date that night and liked that person better. If a guy is super into you, he's not going to want you thinking that he's dating around. Well said.
dumbass2 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 I think I'm jumping to that conclusion as a defense mechanism. Maybe it'll sting a little less if I go ahead and assume the worst, ya know? Because the worst seems to happen in these cases anyway. It's a weird, psychological thing. Like, I'm going to go ahead and begin processing the rejection now so that when it finally hits, maybe it won't sting as much. It's messed up, I know. As suggested, call him up and see about the hiking. What's the worst that can happen? He doesn't respond in which you move on, which you are ready to do now anyways, or you go hiking on that second date and from there you never know. As you self-assessed, which is great that you can do that, try to stop always assuming the worse. Yes, you might get hurt again, but always thinking negatively will end any relationship before it even gets a chance. Dating is tough. Try to think more positively and more positive things will happen. It's life, gotta take the good with the bad. Call him. 5
katiegrl Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 He continues to text, and I finally ask, “Are you on your date now?” He responds, “Lol, almost.” I respond, “Oh, gotcha. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t texting while dating. Dangerous stuff. ” You know – just a joke. He responds the next day, “Of course not! That would be incredibly rude and the perfect way to lose my chance at a second date!” Ouch. In reading this again, I agree with the others who believe that second date he was referring to, was with YOU! 1
dumbass2 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 In reading this again, I agree with the others who believe that second date he was referring to, was with YOU! Yes, and her rely of "yep" might have told him she was not joking and was upset and therefore is not sure to reply back. 3
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 I see that your final reply to him was "yep". Well, for sure then if his last response was about a second date with you, then your reply, coupled with the implying he was on a date, might have told him that you were serious and not joking about the being a date thing. I would not respond back to you as well. Hmmm. I don't know. It really seemed like that "second date" comment was about the woman he was JUST on a date with. He responded that way after I basically told him not to text on a date. How would you feel if you two ended up talking and it was all a misunderstanding? Again, this can happen early on in dating and people might miss out on someone good because they assume. It very well might be a misunderstanding. I'd feel kinda silly if that's the case. A previous poster said it perfectly, though: if a guy is super into me, he's not going to want me thinking that he's dating around.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 As suggested, call him up and see about the hiking. I vote don't call him. I don't think he was joking about going on another date. I think he was being honest. So with that info, and the fact that he has stopped messaging, it just seems desperate to start pursuing him. Honestly, I'm in the camp that wants to be in a relationship in which the guy adores me. If that's the standard you want for yourself too, let him show his interest by pursuing you. 2
Toodaloo Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Lovelorn. If you are going to go after people who are multi dating you have to treat them as disposable as they are treating you. So instead of worrying about this guy go out and have some fun. Trust your gut. They are only worthy of you when they prove they are. 2
losangelena Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 What I can say is that I don't think you know what a douchecanoe means, because it sounds so mean when this guy was being honest upfront AND doing what most women advise men to do- not get too invested after a ONE TIME ... MEET UP. Did you want him to profess his love? Actually act like he's super interested? Because that is the classic highway to the 'over eager' zone. Combined with "Well, I didn't want to date, but I found it hard being lonely", and I can see that most likely OP isn't really in the position to date realistically. Lol, no dude, god. Way to misinterpret what I said. I'm not sure "douchecanoe" has a hard and fast "definition," first of all. Secondly, I never said it was bad for this guy to be multidating. A lot of people do it (hell, I do it), and I think it's more or less an unspoken rule in early dating. What I was referring to as "douchecanoe-y" was the notion that he was possibly joking about it with LL. That's boneheaded, in that either A) he's telling a woman he'd rather be dating someone else through a joke (and text no less), or B) he's opening himself up to the possibility of being misconstrued, which it looks as if he might have been, judging by this thread. If he doesn't want to continue dating LL, that's his prerogative, but if this is the method through which he's doing it, yikes. I also never said I thought that's what he was doing, simply that LL is free to feel however she wants to feel, since she seems to want to censor her own emotions. 1
losangelena Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Yes, and her rely of "yep" might have told him she was not joking and was upset and therefore is not sure to reply back. And another problem with texting! Now both of them are possibly confused. Great. 1
katiegrl Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 In reading this again, I agree with the others who believe that second date he was referring to, was with YOU! The texting he was referring to was texting YOU while on another date. Perfect way to lose his chance on a second date with you.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 OP, my take on that convo, without knowing this guy obviously, is that he was kidding. After all, who calls a first date having dinner with "a friend"? Maybe he is a douchecanoe, but it would take a GIANT douchecanoe to announce that he's dating other people over text and in a very oblique sort of way. It's not impossible, but is it likely? In my mind... yes. You'd be surprised at the ridiculous s**t that's come out of the mouths of some of the douchecanoes I've been on dates with. Maybe I'm making the mistake of letting all of those douchecanoes color my experience with this guy, but it would absolutely not surprise me if what you stated above was indeed his intention. I think the second date he was referring to was one with you. It's odd that he hasn't contacted you in a few days IF you guys had previously been in contact more frequently. But I suspect that "yep" set off warning bells to him that you were upset. Perhaps he doesn't know where you stand here and isn't sure what the next move should be. It's always going to be a gamble, but you've got decent odds in this case. Why not reach out and tell him when you'd like to go hiking (after all, it sounds like that ball was already in your court), and see what happens? I guess I could. I just figured the best course of action would be to leave him alone with his newfound lover. I'm going to have to think on that one. Is it worth possibly getting rejected again? I've been stung once. Wouldn't I look kind of silly poking that beehive again?
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 Not very lady like to be askin a man his business. Ha! Okay, fair enough!
losangelena Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 I guess I could. I just figured the best course of action would be to leave him alone with his newfound lover. I'm going to have to think on that one. Is it worth possibly getting rejected again? I've been stung once. Wouldn't I look kind of silly poking that beehive again? Well, I for one am something of a glutton for punishment, so I might. If he has rejected you, you really have nothing left to lose. If anything, it may bring you some clarity on the situation. But that's just me. 1
dumbass2 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 "if a guy is super into me, he's not going to want me thinking that he's dating around." It sounds like before this happened that he was very interested. In which case if he was going on a date and he knew he wouldn't be around in the evening to text or talk, he would say that he was going out with a friend so you wouldn't expect replies or answer to the phone and you'd know why. He may or may not have been on a date with another woman, but at this early stage, if he was on a date and still wanted to date you, he would say what he said. You are the one that assumed and implied to him that he was on a "date". Again, I'm not saying you are wrong, but the other person can go out with other people after only one date and still date you. I have gone out on a date and another a week later with someone else and still ended up with the first woman I dated. We both went on date with another person after our date, but after our second date, we kinda stopped that and saw that we were just into each other. We started saying we are just dating each other and that's it. 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 Yes, and her rely of "yep" might have told him she was not joking and was upset and therefore is not sure to reply back. Oh! Okay. The light bulb JUST went on in my head. I now see what you all have been saying!! I totally missed this. Thanks for explaining again. Lol However, if he was afraid of losing his chance at a second date with ME (not her), why would my "yep" mean that he did? He stopped communicating with me while he was supposedly on his date, which is the polite thing to do for his date. So, the chance is not lost. He did the right thing by not being rude to his date.
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