witchypoo31 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Long time lurker... First time poster... Please be gentle with me... Had an experience with my boyfriend this weekend that I am still reeling from. I haven't spoken to anyone about it and I am going crazy. After spending a great day together on Saturday, we got home and were getting ready for bed at my house (candles, music, our usual...) He all of a sudden got angry seeing my number of unread emails on my ipad. I had already shown him a few weeks previous that it was an icloud email acct that all my daughters app spam/crap emails go to and had literally shown him the emails. He brought it up again like he had never seen it and accused me of cheating on him in a joking sort of way. After a few rude comments, I got in bed and turned over. He got angrier and angrier. After he told me to turn everything off, I got up and blew out the candles and turned off the music. He turned on the tv but then instead told me to take him home since he had been drinking. I had also been drinking but had stopped earlier at the pub we had been at. He had continued drinking when we came home. I told him I was not going to drive him home bc I had been drinking as well and it was just stupid. Then he made some comment about how he had spent $3000 since we started dating (1.5 yrs) and I asked if he had actually added that up and he said yes. Then I said I would gladly take him home. He has always been extremely frugal and lets me know the cost of everything and makes comments all the time about how much money he spends on me which, not to sound unappreciative, but it's not a lot. Trust me. But when he brought that up again, I was just done for the night. We got in the car and the radio was on a pop station and something was playing like Selena Gomez or Ariana Grande and he flipped it off and said "I don't want to listen to that jungle music!" We fought over that and then he says that he knows that the reason I hate his kids is because they are "white" and I hate them because they are not "half-breeds". (Omg, just writing that out turns my stomach again:sick:). (See, I am white but am divorced from a man that was adopted but is either half puerto-rican or black. We only had history on his white mother) MY 2 children both look completely white. Technically they would be 1/4 puerto-rican or black but I don't know since he was adopted . My boyfriend is obviously white if you couldn't already guess. SO back to the story, I hear "half-breeds" and literally it took what felt like an eternity for it to sink in that that was really what just came out of his mouth. I slammed on my brakes (thank god no one was behind us) and I punched him in the face yelling "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???" I don't exactly remember what he said but I know that Half breed came out of his mouth again and I hit him again. I finally ended up driving him home and leaving with him still talking all the while telling me in one breath that I wasn't worth going to jail for so he wasn't going to hit me back and in the next breath telling me he loved and cared about my kids. WTF. I never spoke another word and still have not spoke to him. He has made numerous attempts to call, text and email apologizing for "blowing up". Not one of his apologies mentioned the word he used or the fact that I actually hit him in his face for it. We are technically broken up right now. It's been 4 days. But I just don't even know how to process all of this. I never expected someone who loved me to throw out a racial slur towards my children of all people. I have heard him be underhandedly racist but when I would say that he would always deny that he was. This is a complete deal breaker correct? I am broken-hearted not only for what I thought we had but for my children. I guess i was extremely naive to think people were inherently kind and not racist. Especially someone I've been with for a year and a half!!!! Thoughts? I guess I mostly just needed to vent. I'm not ready to tell my family and friends what was said and haven't even told anyone we broke up.
keiji Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 It's definitely not something he should have said. I don't know if it's a deal-breaker, though. Sometimes you say stupid things in the heat of the moment, and he apologized straightaway. Did you apologize for punching him in the face twice? That sounds like a deal-breaker as well, imo. 2
Satu Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Good that you've broken up. Keep it that way. Once the fists have flown, its time to call it a day. His speech was very offensive, but still..... 3
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 Ok, I am not a proponent for violence but it didn't even cross my mind that I did something wrong by hitting him. I don't go around hitting people so it's a big deal but I really felt justified by him saying something so vulgar in reference to my kids. It was such a gut instinct, I didn't even think about it. I guess the mama bear in me came out so I felt justified in hitting him but in retrospect, no one should ever hit anyone. No, I have not apologized for hitting him. My daughter just made a video yesterday of herself singing and told me the only people allowed to see it was her grandma or him. She's 10. I just felt so sick inside to think of what he had called her. She doesn't yet know we broke up.
BikerAccnt Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 What he said is clearly offensive, and though I don't have children, if I did, that would definitely be a deal breaker. By the same token, hitting him was way out of line. I can understand the welling up of anger that made you do it, but if the situation was reversed, I can just about guarantee he'd have been cooling his jets in a jail cell for a bit. Yeah, I'd say this relationship is done. Or, it certainly should be. 3
266696687 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 (edited) Sounds to me as if he intentionally picked a fight that night regarding your unread emails (what a strange thing to fight over) and it escalated out of control. His racial slur is unforgivable. Completely a deal breaker. There is never any excuse for making racist comments and perhaps this shows his true underlying feelings. As you mentioned he'd made underhanded racist comments previously. The alcohol just caused him to speak his thoughts out loud. Totally unacceptable. Even in the heat of an argument racial slurs should never be used. I wouldn't care for any excuses he has to offer for his behaviour. Going forward you will now always doubt his true feelings towards your kids and whether he is actually racist underneath. How would you ever trust him again? Secondly, you should never have hit him. This is also inexcusable and totally unacceptable behaviour. Violence is violence regardless of your reasons for doing so. You do not have any right or justification for punching another person in the face. I think it's probably best if you two never communicate with one another again. You should cut ties completely. There is no longer any basis for a relationship your foundation has been well and truly shattered. Edited April 20, 2016 by 266696687 2
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 I guess I shouldn't be surprised by everyone's comments. Just saddened. The first few days after this happened, I was so angry at him for saying what he said and had zero desire to ever speak with him. Now the anger is subsiding a bit, and I just feel so sad that it came to this. He loved me more than anyone ever has but our relationship was not without its problems. His previous racist remarks were in reference to black men I had dated in college (20 some years ago!). I never saw it coming towards my kids. He has always been really good with them. They like him. But I have always sensed that deep down he was racist but I guess I just don't even think of my kids as being a different race or if I do it has NO BEARING on anything. I always thought his issues stemmed from my past. His anger that night was from a previous argument we had had the week before and he wanted an apology from me. He is always feeling I don't care as much about the relationship as he does so there is always some insecurity going on. I don't like his 2 adult children bc of how they treat him and others. For him to make it about them being white is about the stupidest thing ever. My whole family is white. I am white. I live in a pre-dominantly white neighborhood. The fact that I dated a black man in college does not constitute hatred for my own race. Anyways, this is just a lot to digest. I'm starting to miss his presence but I do know that this needs to be over and for that I am sad. . Time to move on....
WiltedOrchid Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 This guy is an *******. Straight up. Between the money reminders (I know how that is.) the comments, the mistrust and the general lack of respect for you... Don't waste your time. You and your children deserve much better. 1
basil67 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Oh hon, that's awful. My 2c? I would have dumped him for getting angry about the unopened emails! The maths of taking you out, wanting you to drive him when you've had alcohol (get a cab you arsehole!) and the racial slurs - those would be the final nails in the coffin. Block him on all media. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 As sad as you are that it's over -- because now that the anger has subsided you remember the good things -- it still has to over. You need to think about your actions when you have been drinking. We've all done stupid stuff under the influence but violence is problematic. Based on what he said, how can you ever trust him to be around your kids? Really, what if they heard what he said? How does that play? Your kids would never understand why mommy could be with a guy who thought that about them. You should be angry & sick to your stomach. You should also keep this cheap, irrational, racist out of your life. 3
brothers343 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 The truth is he meant what he said, weather he was drunk or not....he meant it. And he might have opened a doorway to inner feelings that might hinder your relationship in the future. It's a good thing that they come out now instead of later. Children should never hear that kind of talk. Good luck. 1
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 Thank you everyone! Feeling much stronger now thanks to all your comments. I really appreciate it:)
LostOnes05 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 The comments about your children were absolutely unnecessary and gives you a good idea of how he views your children. You deserve to have someone that is respectful of both you and your children. If he looks down on them because of their ethnic makeup, then he is indeed a racist. Imagine how differently he would treat them (even subconsciously) compared to his children if you continued this relationship. You did the right thing...no question about it. *I know it can be tough sometimes, especially over something like this but you have to keeps your hands to yourself. Just for your own protection and justification. Wouldn't want him to call the police and get you in trouble. I do wish I could've seen the look on his face when you socked him though haha. 1
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 Thank you Lostones05. You're right. I shouldn't have hit him but I wish I could've seen his face too. It was dark and I was so angry I couldn't see straight. I kind of feel like that the fact that he never mentioned me hitting him in all of his messages tells me he knows he deserved it because he LOVES to play victim and will say I'm being "emotionally abusive" :rolleyes:to him when we don't talk for a few days. This gives him the perfect opportunity to play victim and he hasn't taken it.
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 The problem I guess is not you or your kids, the problem he has is with your ex. The drink just loosened his tongue. He is jealous of your ex and is using the racial slurs, "the jungle music" and "the half breeds" as a way to put him down and to establish his dominance. He probably thinks you are still in love with the ex hence the accusations over the emails too. He most likely thinks he is being used here and is seeing the money he has spent on you as "wasted" effort, he is thus angry. I believe you gained an insight this weekend, into how he really feels.
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Thoughts? Phew. What a *insert your own swear word here* Thank God you have broken up. Do not ever speak to this guy again. What a lucky escape. When friends and family ask just say it didn't work out and that you no longer wish to speak or discuss him. Cut him out of your life as though he never existed. I am still turning the air blue with blasphemy this end. But good news is that you are now free. You can have a grand time with your kids and you can enjoy the summer weather and with all those little tops etc I bet you will catch a far better guys eye in no time! As for hitting him... be glad I wasn't in the car to hear that comment or you would be bailing me out and he would be getting his nose fixed in A&E... 2
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 The problem I guess is not you or your kids, the problem he has is with your ex. The drink just loosened his tongue. *He is jealous of your ex and is using the racial slurs, "the jungle music" and "the half breeds" as a way to put him down and to establish his dominance. He probably thinks you are still in love with the ex hence the accusations over the emails too. He most likely thinks he is being used here and is seeing the money he has spent on you as "wasted" effort, he is thus angry. I believe you gained an insight this weekend, into how he really feels. Elaine, I think you hit the nail on the head with this one except I for I think his problem is more with who I dated in my past before being married but my ex-hus prob fits into that somehow. *this description sums him up to a tee. "To establish his dominance" lol Such a joke. It's sad to me that he feels the need to do this. But everyone is right. This relationship is over. I could never let my kids be in his presence again. I'm not sorry for hitting him.
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 Toodaloo, Thank you for the support. Sometimes I think you can get too close to situation and it's hard to see CLEARLY what's going on. I know the longer I am away from him, the clearer all of his bullsh#t will become. Then I'll beat myself up for staying with him for so long. Oh well, everyone on here has really helped me process this so THANK YOU:love::love:
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) Toodaloo, Thank you for the support. Sometimes I think you can get too close to situation and it's hard to see CLEARLY what's going on. I know the longer I am away from him, the clearer all of his bullsh#t will become. Then I'll beat myself up for staying with him for so long. Oh well, everyone on here has really helped me process this so THANK YOU:love::love: You speak wise words here. We have all been there so do not beat yourself up (if you heard the mistakes I made you woudl pee yourself that I give out this advice!). But by jove be glad the is out of your life now and keep it that way. There are others far better than this. Chin up chook. Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 Now this is where I run into trouble. Last night I found a lump in my breast. I called my Dr. and they got me in today. Now I have to go to get a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound next Tues. My mom had breast cancer so it's a bit stressful for me. He is my emotional support which ironically enough after all you've heard about him, he is pretty good at. I struggle with not having him here to lean on. My parents live 1000 miles away. My only sister passed away and so all I have are my kids who I can't talk to. He gmail chatted me earlier today (one thing I forgot to block!) and asked "Do you hate me?" I have NOT answered him and I won't but I am struggling today again with this whole mess.
Zahara Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) Now this is where I run into trouble. Last night I found a lump in my breast. I called my Dr. and they got me in today. Now I have to go to get a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound next Tues. My mom had breast cancer so it's a bit stressful for me. He is my emotional support which ironically enough after all you've heard about him, he is pretty good at. I struggle with not having him here to lean on. My parents live 1000 miles away. My only sister passed away and so all I have are my kids who I can't talk to. He gmail chatted me earlier today (one thing I forgot to block!) and asked "Do you hate me?" I have NOT answered him and I won't but I am struggling today again with this whole mess. A week after a very painful break-up, I had health complications. After several visits to the doctor, I needed to have immediate surgery. It was a cancer scare. My family -- halfway across the world. With no support, I pushed through it on my own eventhough I was wanting so badly for him to be by my side. Time to start facing the world on your own. Once you get over this, you'll feel stronger and confident about your ability to break your dependence on him . Call your parents. Talk to your friends. Post on LS. It's going to be fine. Edited April 22, 2016 by Zahara 3
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 A week after a very painful break-up, I had health complications. After several visits to the doctor, I needed to have immediate surgery. It was a cancer scare. My family -- halfway across the world. With no support, I pushed through it on my own eventhough I was wanting so badly for him to be by my side. Time to start facing the world on your own. Once you get over this, you'll feel stronger and confident about your ability to break your dependence on him . Call your parents. Talk to your friends. Post on LS. It's going to be fine. Wow zaraha... Just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much. It helps so much knowing others have been there and gotten thru it. You're right that I need to break my dependence on him. Your situation sounds so similar. I hope yours turned out well and you are healthy:). Thank you so much for your kind words. 1
Zahara Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Wow zaraha... Just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much. It helps so much knowing others have been there and gotten thru it. You're right that I need to break my dependence on him. Your situation sounds so similar. I hope yours turned out well and you are healthy:). Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I'm all well now. Thanks! I hope everything goes well with your tests and that's it's nothing to worry about. You're going to get through this. These little hardships only make you stronger. 1
Author witchypoo31 Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 So today he has began a mad quest to get me to speak with him. He blocked his number so he could call me and left 2 msgs telling me in the first call we need closure and that he wants the opportunity to apologize and explain why he exploded sat night. I never returned the call. Then he reached out on gmail chat which I had forgotten to block bc we never communicate that way. He started trying to justify his behavior. Then he called again and left a 4 min msg telling me his behavior is all my fault bc and he should've left me a long time ago and that he has given his heart, mind and soul to this relationship and that I have turned him into an emotional basket case and it's no wonder he went he went off on me. He said I just need to get a **** buddy and not have a serious relationship with anyone because I am not capable of it. He also said something to the effect of he knows that when he wants to drink like you did when he's with the woman he loves that that means it's time to get the **** out. There is a part of me that is screaming to Respond so I can say that I also know when I feel the urge to punch someone in the face, it's time to get the **** out so there's our closure. I know everyone on here will probably say don't respond!don't respond!don't respond! ugh. I hate this feeling.
Zahara Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 So today he has began a mad quest to get me to speak with him. He blocked his number so he could call me and left 2 msgs telling me in the first call we need closure and that he wants the opportunity to apologize and explain why he exploded sat night. I never returned the call. Then he reached out on gmail chat which I had forgotten to block bc we never communicate that way. He started trying to justify his behavior. Then he called again and left a 4 min msg telling me his behavior is all my fault bc and he should've left me a long time ago and that he has given his heart, mind and soul to this relationship and that I have turned him into an emotional basket case and it's no wonder he went he went off on me. He said I just need to get a **** buddy and not have a serious relationship with anyone because I am not capable of it. He also said something to the effect of he knows that when he wants to drink like you did when he's with the woman he loves that that means it's time to get the **** out. There is a part of me that is screaming to Respond so I can say that I also know when I feel the urge to punch someone in the face, it's time to get the **** out so there's our closure. I know everyone on here will probably say don't respond!don't respond!don't respond! ugh. I hate this feeling. You need to block him on everything. Do it now. He's going to say whatever he knows that will antagonize you to elicit a reaction. He's trying to make you break contact. Opening the door to contact will be dangerous as he may be able to rope you back in. There is nothing more to say -- there is no rationalizing with someone like this so no matter what you say, it won't make a difference. Everytime you think about making contact -- think about your children. Move forward for them. Let them be what fuels you to keep on course. Remember the words he used when he spoke about them -- there is no point in investing any more time in him, anymore energy or anymore words. Think of all the avenues that he can make contact -- block him everywhere. 2
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