Any insight into this behaviour?

April 20, 2016

I have a tendency to include too much detail, so I'll be short.

Met a guy online, wanting a partner and to not mess around.

We had a great first few dates, and chatted all the time, before our 4th date we were already planning our 5th and 6th and it was just so easy to be around him and to have a laugh. We could go out or stay in etc, it didn't matter. He would bake for me and was probably the most attentive guy I've ever been with. I didn't rush into sex and he never pushed it and we just agreed that we really liked what this was, how it felt and where it could go.

This carried on for about 6 weeks, and although he wasn't always great at opening up, we would have a laugh about it and he said to me, just to carry on being the way I was, because he was really into this. We were in contact a lot and he would call every night. I broke my foot and he was amazing about it and wanted to look after me etc, and when he got ill I did the same, even though he was very apologetic about not being fun when he was sick.

I noticed a changed one night when he called me and was really distracted and not really listening. I didn;t make a big deal out of it, but was honest that it was rude and he was very apologetic and we moved on.

Something happened and he was pulling back and although still in contact, it didn't feel right. My friends said I was nuts and he was still calling and clearly into me, even after a few days apart he went away with some guys and still called.

I wanted to have a fun night out as we hadn't been out properly in a while and I was so nervous until he walked in and gave me this massive smile. We had a great night and went to a few bars and he held my hand and came back to mine as we usually did. Had a really good intense night and I might have made the mistake of saying that I wanted to be exclusive but he agreed and said he didn't mess around.

Then 2 nights later he calls me and sounds broken and says, he's not OK with us, it's been weighing him down and made him really ill about why his heart is doing what he thought it would towards me. Said Im amazing, but his heart wasn't in it and he didn't know what else to do and he didn't want to lead me on. I was very calm and only asked why he hadn't brought this up when we saw each other and he said because we had so much fun together, and he couldn't bare to see my face upset. I then simply said, that if he didn't have feelings there was nothing left to say, and I said goodbye and we haven't spoken since.

I am so torn up inside which has surprised me due to how short a relationship it was, but he really became part of my life and I feel lead on, because he had said a few times, how much he was enjoying this and me and that I was lovely and kind, and sexy and wondrous and now what? We never speak again and he just moves on from someone he chatted to every day for months? We are both in our early 30s too if that makes a difference.

Any opinions or advice about what you think could have happened would really help me as I am struggling to not think about it and dissect every part of it.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Charlotte.82
no views or feedback

April 20, 2016

Aww, I am really sorry that this happened to you I have a tendency to dissect every little thing too (something I'm on this board for, actually!), but I am slowly learning that understanding his behavior is virtually impossible. Do you know his dating history? It sounds like him saying his "heart is doing what he thought it would" is a sign that he's either had this experience before or maybe is still hurting from something else. Or it could just be that after a few weeks he liked you but didn't see a long-term thing with you and didn't want to have the uncomfortable "let down" talk (that definitely happens too!) Some guys will still act super committed because they know they should, even if their heart isn't there.

Whatever it may be, I think it's best to just focus on your needs and healing from the hurt that you're feeling now and not trying to obsessively speculate on exactly what happened. Easier said than done, I know! Hang in there.

April 20, 2016

Well, I think he left no margin to doubt. A telephone conversation is obviously not the best way to go about these things, but at least he was honest and didn't try to soften the blow with silly excuses (which most of us have done at some point). It's been a very short relationship, so you'll recover very, very soon I'm sure. It's also one of those rare instances where apparently there's not some sort of betrayal involved. Be happy for it.

April 20, 2016

It happens -- dating is about getting to know each other and working towards finding out if there is compatibility. He dated you -- probably liked you but realized he didn't see himself long-term with you. When you mentioned exclusivity, I believe that was what made him actually think about where he was heading with this -- hence ending it 2 days later.

It's good that he was upfront with you rather than dragging you for months into this so that he could get some benefit from it. He cut you loose so that you both can move on.

It's not a reflection on you or your value.

April 20, 2016

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. Obviously my ego is massively bruised because I got used to the fact that he was really into me and it sounds stupid to say, but I did everything the way we are meant to, being relaxed, not probing, not moving too quickly and totally carrying on with my life whilst dating him, but the pain has surprised me TBH. I do feel massively devalued which is silly I know but we all do that. I'm also glad at how calm I was during the breakup, as soon as I put the phone down I burst out crying but he doesn't need to know that. I do feel even though it was short, he really did lead me on, but as you said above, some people carry on with the motions and that is probably why he got a little passive aggressive at times with me. I don't know a lot about his relationship history except he dated someone for a year who he said was incredibly emotional and he struggled with that as his family never raised him to be emotional or talk about things, and as he's an only child, it was clearly a bit of a quiet household. I really want to get to the stage where I don't even care anymore, but I'm a pretty deep soul and really have high expectations of people which is something I need to work on. Thanks again for the replies.

April 20, 2016

Another possibility is that he can't tolerate feelings of vulnerability. When we start caring for someone in a more than superficial way, we are giving them the ability to hurt us, even destroy us as the case may be if falling madly in love. Some people just can't do it. That feeling registers as intense fear and they panic. They use various strategies (subconsciously) to distance and alleviate the feeling of vulnerability. Some will hold you at arm's length indefinitely, some will sabotage by instigating an argument over something insignificant, and some will just shut down and go away without much explanation at all.

It sounds like he is of the latter type. If his feelings were growing uncontrollably and creating this fear, then perhaps he deals with it by shutting down those feelings. It sounds like this isn't the first time this has happened since he said, "made him really ill about why his heart is doing what he thought it would."

It's sometimes called emotionally unavailable. It's probable that he actually wants to love and be loved and have a great relationship, but certain personality features combined with this defense mechanism preclude it.

I think it's also a symptom of emotional immaturity. We learn as we grow emotionally that allowing this defensive mechanism to dominate will preclude us ever getting the love we want, and we learn deal wit it and work through it.

It's unfortunate that this happened. It's not your fault, so try not to dwell on it too much or internalize it as if there's something wrong with you. Congratulate yourself on having the capacity to attach and not sabotage, and try to be aware when you start dating someone if they're fearless as attachment grows, or if they seem to be on the verge of panic. I'm guessing there were signals that you didn't pick up on before he actually pulled the plug.

April 20, 2016

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. Obviously my ego is massively bruised because I got used to the fact that he was really into me and it sounds stupid to say, but I did everything the way we are meant to, being relaxed, not probing, not moving too quickly and totally carrying on with my life whilst dating him, but the pain has surprised me TBH. I do feel massively devalued which is silly I know but we all do that. I'm also glad at how calm I was during the breakup, as soon as I put the phone down I burst out crying but he doesn't need to know that. I do feel even though it was short, he really did lead me on, but as you said above, some people carry on with the motions and that is probably why he got a little passive aggressive at times with me. I don't know a lot about his relationship history except he dated someone for a year who he said was incredibly emotional and he struggled with that as his family never raised him to be emotional or talk about things, and as he's an only child, it was clearly a bit of a quiet household. I really want to get to the stage where I don't even care anymore, but I'm a pretty deep soul and really have high expectations of people which is something I need to work on. Thanks again for the replies.

You're almost describing me here: only son, not much affection circulating (on a physical level in my case), difficulty to show emotions... Try to be sympathetic. I know for a fact that we can be difficult people to deal with. A few months after my ex-g said she was fed up, I'm beginning to understand that she preferred to be unhappy without me with a chance for recovery than being permanently unhappy with such a difficult person. You'd probably have ended full of frustration and resentment. That's what I usually cause in my partners, even if it's taking a lot of time and effort to admit it.

April 20, 2016

...probably why he got a little passive aggressive at times with me. I don't know a lot about his relationship history except he dated someone for a year who he said was incredibly emotional and he struggled with that as his family never raised him to be emotional or talk about things, and as he's an only child, it was clearly a bit of a quiet household. I really want to get to the stage where I don't even care anymore, but I'm a pretty deep soul and really have high expectations of people which is something I need to work on. Thanks again for the replies.

Yup, sounds consistent with inability to tolerate his vulnerability. Don't take it personally, don't change... just be more aware.

The passive aggressive behaviors were probably symptoms of the same.

April 20, 2016

Sorry I made a typo and was meant to say 'made him really ill about why his heart Is NOT doing what he thought it would." I took that to mean, that he thought he would fall harder, or that was his way to hold me at arms length and it worked. There is no point in investing in something so soon, especially considering how great it was in the beginning. One thing I know is I have good gut feelings but I honestly struggled with him, which is probably why I was struggling to open up with him myself. I really couldn't wait to get to know him though.

April 20, 2016

You're almost describing me here: only son, not much affection circulating (on a physical level in my case), difficulty to show emotions... Try to be sympathetic. I know for a fact that we can be difficult people to deal with. A few months after my ex-g said she was fed up, I'm beginning to understand that she preferred to be unhappy without me with a chance for recovery than being permanently unhappy with such a difficult person. You'd probably have ended full of frustration and resentment. That's what I usually cause in my partners, even if it's taking a lot of time and effort to admit it.

Thanks for sharing that Keiji - it's amazing how we really are products of how we were raised. I was however raised in a really loud, busy, packed house and we used to fight a lot so I've made a concerted effort to not be that way, as i didn't want it to define me or how I was in relationships. Thanks for sharing that part of yourself though. I always go for lone wolves - probably the opposite of what I am like to some extent.

April 20, 2016

Another possibility is that he can't tolerate feelings of vulnerability. When we start caring for someone in a more than superficial way, we are giving them the ability to hurt us, even destroy us as the case may be if falling madly in love. Some people just can't do it. That feeling registers as intense fear and they panic. They use various strategies (subconsciously) to distance and alleviate the feeling of vulnerability. Some will hold you at arm's length indefinitely, some will sabotage by instigating an argument over something insignificant, and some will just shut down and go away without much explanation at all.

It sounds like he is of the latter type. If his feelings were growing uncontrollably and creating this fear, then perhaps he deals with it by shutting down those feelings. It sounds like this isn't the first time this has happened since he said, "made him really ill about why his heart is doing what he thought it would."

It's sometimes called emotionally unavailable. It's probable that he actually wants to love and be loved and have a great relationship, but certain personality features combined with this defense mechanism preclude it.

I think it's also a symptom of emotional immaturity. We learn as we grow emotionally that allowing this defensive mechanism to dominate will preclude us ever getting the love we want, and we learn deal wit it and work through it.

It's unfortunate that this happened. It's not your fault, so try not to dwell on it too much or internalize it as if there's something wrong with you. Congratulate yourself on having the capacity to attach and not sabotage, and try to be aware when you start dating someone if they're fearless as attachment grows, or if they seem to be on the verge of panic. I'm guessing there were signals that you didn't pick up on before he actually pulled the plug.

Great insight and, again, a perfect summary of the problems I'm facing right now, and which my therapist detected straight away. OP, read the bolded text (and the rest as well, I think it's very appropriate to your situation) as many times as necessary. Don't let this situation devalue you in any sense. It's people like him (and I) who have a problem by being scared to love someone. As soon as we feel we're losing control of the situation, we run away or, even worse, we stay in so-so relationships because we feel the harm will be little or non-existant if they come to an end. I think the former might well be your case.

April 20, 2016

Good luck in your therapy. Everyone deserves to be loved and to give Love so I hope you work your way through it. None of us our perfect at all and I came from a terrible divorced upbringing with a violent step father, but over the years I have tried REALLY hard to work on my own demons so that they don't effect my relationships. I was in therapy years ago and she said something that really stuck, that because I have a tendency to obsess over things, that I could very well be 'self fullfilling prophecy' thats why this has thrown me, as I really believe I handled things in the best way, except I wish I had been brave enough to talk to him earlier. I told him that i was a little nervous around him and saying things to him and he said, 'I really don't want you to be nervous around me, or talking to me, I know im crap at this stuff but I like this.'

April 20, 2016

Good luck in your therapy. Everyone deserves to be loved and to give Love so I hope you work your way through it. None of us our perfect at all and I came from a terrible divorced upbringing with a violent step father, but over the years I have tried REALLY hard to work on my own demons so that they don't effect my relationships. I was in therapy years ago and she said something that really stuck, that because I have a tendency to obsess over things, that I could very well be 'self fullfilling prophecy' thats why this has thrown me, as I really believe I handled things in the best way, except I wish I had been brave enough to talk to him earlier. I told him that i was a little nervous around him and saying things to him and he said, 'I really don't want you to be nervous around me, or talking to me, I know im crap at this stuff but I like this.'

Wow, "I like this" is really alarming. I know I don't. After only a few months of therapy I've found myself hugging friends, telling ex-girlfriends how much I love them and how grateful I am to have shared that experience with them, being so much more affectionate with my parents and generally coming out of the closet as the sentimental guy I really am. This was unthinkable even last December. Becoming a cuddly bear one step at a time

I hope your ex-b decides to change in the future. After all, you'll be OK in no time. It's him who walks away with a stifling inability to be happy and make others happy as well.

April 20, 2016

What is alarming?

Thanks for your kind words, you sound like you're on a great route too.

April 20, 2016

What is alarming?

Thanks for your kind words, you sound like you're on a great route too.

Oh, sorry. I misunderstood the last sentence in your post (not a native English speaker, as you may have noticed). Thought he had said he liked being the way he is, that he was content by being unable to have a formal relationship.

April 20, 2016

Ahh gotcha, no he said it as in 'us'.

Interestingly and I think I'm going to make an active choice to move on soon, but someone else thinks he definitely met someone or rekindled something and was weighing up his feelings, which is why he was being passive aggressive and then sweet at the same time, mixed feelings. I'm not sure, I guess anything is a possibility and not much I can do about it now.

April 20, 2016

Ahh no worries. No he didn't mean it like that.

Interestingly someone said they think he met someone else which is why he's been so quiet and was waiting for the new relationship to take off. I'm not sure, there's nothing I can do about it now

April 20, 2016

Ahh no worries. No he didn't mean it like that.

Interestingly someone said they think he met someone else which is why he's been so quiet and was waiting for the new relationship to take off. I'm not sure, there's nothing I can do about it now

It's hard to know. Not necessarily. He seemed quite upfront about his feelings in that telephone call. That doesn't mean there's not someone else in the picture, though. Will it last? If we stick to salparadise's theory, which I do, and the similarities I find between his behavior and my (hopefully past) behavior, not if he has feelings for her. If he's kind of "meh" about it and therefore not afraid to suffer in the long term, maybe yes.

If you feel strong enough to face the truth, why not ask him? I'm all for living in complete ignorance, try to move on whatever it costs and then, if I ever learn "the truth", it won't matter anymore. It happened recently with an ex I was madly in love with and I'm thankful I didn't lurk or investigate in the last two years (she went into a new relationship two months after the breakup; lasted one year. I never knew about it. When she told me, I couldn't care less. Had I known two years before, I'd have sunk in utter misery).

It's a very personal decision you have to make. But he said he didn't feel it anymore. Are you sure you want to throw more potentially harmful information into the mix?

Edited April 20, 2016 by keiji

April 20, 2016

No I really don't want to feel anymore hurt, which is why I was so calm when we ended, so I could keep my dignity at least. If I broke NC at least for now I would have lost that feeling of the little control that I have now and not to play games at all, but at least I walked away with my head held somewhat high. Incase we have this situation all mixed up and he was a jerk who led me on.

April 20, 2016

No I really don't want to feel anymore hurt, which is why I was so calm when we ended, so I could keep my dignity at least. If I broke NC at least for now I would have lost that feeling of the little control that I have now and not to play games at all, but at least I walked away with my head held somewhat high. Incase we have this situation all mixed up and he was a jerk who led me on.

Keep applying the "ignorance is bliss" motto, then. Protect yourself. I myself turned the situation around when I cut contact. She wanted to keep seeing and contacting me. I refused, not only to protect myself, but also to have the feeling that at least I controlled something in that situation. She's obviously seeing other people at this point (5 months since breakup, 3 since I started NC). I don't want to know what she's up to. There's only so much we can handle, and I'm sure you couldn't digest his current "adventures".

Sign In

Any insight into this behaviour?

Recommended Posts

Charlotte.82

PursuitofPeace

keiji

Zahara

Charlotte.82

salparadise

keiji

salparadise

Charlotte.82

Charlotte.82

keiji

Charlotte.82

keiji

Charlotte.82

keiji

Charlotte.82

Charlotte.82

keiji

Charlotte.82

keiji

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...