Pregnant, heartbroken and so full of guilt.

[icecream1066]

You’ll have to excuse the horrifically long post, not sure if this is even the right place to post this but I just need to hear people's thoughts and, most likely, bashing for my part in this. I've posted this on another forum but am curious to see other views.

 

My ex-partner (both 25) and I were together for five years before breaking up a month ago. We lived together for four years, had a dog together, had built a life together and I seriously envisioned a future with him. Last year we went through a rough patch that sort of spanned six months. He became less affectionate towards me, was more interested in spending time with his friends than me, didn’t seem to want to make much of an effort with my friends, and only seemed interested in being affectionate for sex. That’s not to say we weren’t still happy because we were, I still loved him so much, we still had so many good days but it began to build up between us. We would argue about it, I would cry, beg him to try and see my point of view, he wouldn’t but said he’d change, which he would for all of about two weeks before it kinda went round again. I never ever wanted to leave him and never for one second felt that we would split up, I loved him more than I could ever say but it truly began to beat me down and emotionally destroy me. Things like even having to ask for a cuddle and not having much contact just weighed so heavily on me and no matter how much I tried to sort it out, he never seemed interested. I just wish I had tried harder.

 

I began spending time with a close friend of many years (the one who actually introduced us years ago) and his fiancé who lived round the corner in the hope of finding some comfort, solace and advice. If anything else it was to just take my mind off of it. His fiancé was often at work so we would just hang out, play video games and he would give me advice and listen to me cry and worry and complain, whilst also talking about his own issues with his partner. November last year, he and I were hanging out at my place and had a few drinks when one thing led to another and, with no excuse but my extreme emotional vulnerability and insecurity, I cheated with him. I felt guilty and awful the second it happened. There was no sex or anything like that but we were in an intimate situation so I can’t blame him for thinking otherwise. Sounds unbelievable even to me but nothing like that actually happened but obviously, it’s still cheating. My partner found out immediately and everything went to hell. I was absolutely disgusted with myself, heartbroken, furious and just couldn’t believe that I’d let things get to that point. I’ve never found my friend sexually desirable or wanted a relationship with him so even now I don’t know what led me to do what I did apart from the fact that I was in such a place for so long, which is no excuse.

 

My ex refused to speak to me, left the flat, I went to my parents as I couldn’t be at our flat alone while he went back and forth between friends and refused to listen or talk to me. To make matters worse, my ‘friend’ fed a load of lies to his partner, who I believed he had told everything to and had in fact told my ex to contact in the hope that he would find comfort in the fact that she was willing to work past it kinda thing, but turns out he hadn’t told her at all. My partner, of course, was even more destroyed by this and refused to talk to me. However, two weeks after all of this happened he reached out to me and we went for a talk and he said he wanted to try again, that it had made him see that what we had was worth fighting for, acknowledged the problems we had been having, that he wanted us to be together, have a family, move forward and of course, I was over the moon. I even asked him if he wanted more time to think to make sure that this is what he wanted but he was so sure so we went back home together. I immediately cut contact with the friend, deleted and blocked all numbers and social media, haven't spoken to or seen him since and gladly have my ex access to my phone and felt like I did all I could to prove to him that I was completely invested in him and working things out.

 

The first few weeks were hard coming to terms with what happened; we went over that night in absolute fine detail until it drove us both mad, argued and cried over how we had hurt each other but we began to heal. We celebrated Christmas eagerly and embraced being together and everything seemed like it was good again. I knew that sometimes he would think about things, as naturally he would, but he never let on that it was still getting to him badly. He started his new dream job in a town over an hour’s drive away and we decided to stop using contraception and just got on really, everything seemed great.

 

We found out I was pregnant in February (on the 4th I tested and it said I was two weeks gone which means that I fell pregnant in late January) and we were both really happy and began looking for places to move to so that we had more space and could cut some time off his commute. He told all his friends, even those who hated me for what happened before, and they were all really happy and encouraging. Everything seemed to really be on track and it felt like everything was behind us. However, three weeks before the break up we had a few rows and I’m so disgusted and ashamed to admit I lashed out at him over a row in which he couldn’t understand why I was needing a bit of reassurance that a girl from work was messaging him a lot, which was really just down to my hormones in my opinion. We resolved that though and again, didn’t feel like anything was wrong. Two weeks before the break up, he started acting weird and distant but wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, claimed he was really tired from work, until he told me that the things that happened before were starting to get to him again and really getting him down and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He reassured me that it would be okay, that he would go to the doctor, that there wasn’t somebody else and that he loved me and that I shouldn’t worry.

 

Two days later (Saturday 19th March) he broke down in tears and told me he was leaving, said he couldn’t do it anymore and that was it. Bearing in mind I was supposed to go to the hospital that day due to having some issues with the pregnancy, which is still fine, and had to go without him. In the last four weeks, he has gone from saying that he’s absolutely heartbroken and gutted and saying that he wants it to work but knows it can’t to basically hating my guts, wanting nothing to do with me and saying that his head was completely messed up when he came back and that it’s only now that he realised. He’s now living in the town where he works, which is an hour away, at a friend’s house, has become cold and uncaring towards me, says he’s completely over the relationship, is already on tinder and seeing other girls, we’ve both moved out from the flat, sharing the dog and he’s being completely unhelpful with the pregnancy. Originally he wanted to be involved, which to him is coming to the scans and that’s it basically, and wanted to provide as much as he can when the baby is born but refused to actually speak to me productively about anything to do with it. Then, quite quickly, he's gone from wanting to be involved and being on positive terms to suddenly, five days ago, saying that he wants a dna test which he has apparently wanted from the start (?!) and that he wished he never met me, among other absolutely awful things.

 

I’m a teaching assistant so I can’t afford to live by myself and pay for a baby so I’ve had to move back in with my parents who, naturally, want answers as to what they can expect from him and his parents in terms of involvement and support; they're livid because there has been no contact at all and that just makes it all the more harder.

 

I’m just completely emotionally destroyed. I love him so much and I cannot believe that this is where we’ve wound up. No matter what I’ve suggested, moving closer to his work so he’s less tired and stressed, going to counselling, having some time to be free before the baby comes, he’s just adamant and I can’t get over that he’s already over it and won’t try at all, that he's become so angry since leaving and actually thinks that our baby isn't his. And, worse than anything, I can’t get over how much I hurt him in the first place but to leave me pregnant, and act in the way he is, just seems so cruel and unfair. I don’t want a single mum, I don’t want him to be a part time dad who doesn’t live nearby, I don’t want to sit at home crying over this situation and worrying about what’s gonna happen with the baby while he’s off not giving a toss. I’m so heartbroken and I just have no idea what to do or what to think anymore; the pain is unbearable, I hate myself and the fact that we’re having a baby together in this situation is too much. I can’t believe my child, our child, will come into the world this way. I love him beyond belief, I always have, and the fact that our life together is now gone is absolutely tearing me apart.

 

I know it’s my fault, that I deserve this, but any thoughts or advice would be welcomed. I just can’t believe that our future has been destroyed and five years have been ruined over a one-time mistake. The situation just seems to keep getting worse and worse and I'm just so terrified and full of pain. I haven't spoken to him for a week since saying I would do a dna test but that he had to say now whether he wanted to be involved in the pregnancy in terms of knowing things or not if he believes it's not his, but he never answered. I'm just so lost and I know it's my fault, I can't even begin to come to terms with my guilt and even though I try to keep my focus solely on the baby, it's still very hard.

 

Sorry for rambling.

Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[basil67]

I'm so sorry IceCream. But please don't beat yourself up over this 'one time mistake'. Honestly, it sounds like your relationship was well on the way out before you got together with the friend that night. Wishing you'd tried harder back at the start is pointless - after all, it was HIM who was withdrawing and you couldn't fix this on your own.

 

I know it was all looking rosy for a while, but a couple of weeks of rows will kill a relationship when it's foundations are already shaky. Especially if those rows involved insults, refusing to see the partner's point of view and shouting.

 

Do the DNA test. As for him and his parents? He will be expected to give child support and hopefully spend time being a father to the baby. I'm not sure why your parents would expect anything from his parents. While it would be nice if they want to be active grandparents, it's not their job to clean up his mess. He's a grown man and this is his responsibility.

[Zahara]

I think the writing was on the wall when he started pulling away before you got together with your friend. He was just going through the motions and probably the battles in his head as to whether to stay with you or leave -- weighing heavily on leaving but likely feeling too guilty to go through with it.

 

The decision to get off birth control -- bad decision when both of you were on such shaky ground and I'm guessing the thought was possibly that a baby would bring you both closer together or strengthen the bond? But in his head I think there was still that part of him that wanted to leave. He was probably trying to find ways to make it work or distract himself from how he truly felt.

 

He's reached his decision. You don't deserve the hurt that you are going through. Even if you had not cheated on him, I personally believe it would have ended anyway. He was detaching from you and it was only a matter of time.

 

Get your DNA test done. Go through the proper channels if it is his in terms of support. I'm sorry you aren't able to feel the joy of your pregnancy but do whatever you can try and focus on your baby. Nourish yourself physically if you cannot emotionally. Find comfort in your family and friends. Get your rest because grief can take a toll on you. I know it's going to be hard and I'm sorry you're going through this pain and disappointment.

[icecream1066]

Thank you for your responses. In regards to his parents, I think it's more the case of we've been together for a long time and it's their grandchild too; if the situation was reversed then my parents would have contacted his to ask what they could do, and just out of courtesy really. And to be honest, I am quite annoyed in that I feel like these people will 'demand rights or access' etc yet not give a toss about anything to do with the baby beforehand. I don't know if that's the wrong opinion to have but I can understand why my parents are upset in that regard.

 

I really don't know anymore. I'm just so confused about his actions; how he went from being so happy about the baby, to saying he thinks I should get rid of it and then saying he wants a dna test when there's no reason to. The fact that I haven't seen or spoken to the guy seems to be completely irrelevant, as do dates and actual facts of conception, to the story he's supposedly giving. He's going round acting like this situation with the other guy happened and then we found out I was pregnant, and that's something I'm really struggling with above most things, and why he seems to keep getting angrier the longer we don't total and he's away from the situation. I said to him he doesn't have to be involved but I need an answer from him and yet he still seems to have an issue. It just doesn't make sense to me.

[tillwemeetagain]

sorry for what you are going through right now.. but please be strong for your baby. I know its hard to bear a baby alone. but if you think that dna test will make his change his mind and pay for the childs support atleast then do it.. for now what you should be thinking is to deliver the baby well. because if you keep yourself like that. it might harm the baby.. take care ihope youll be well in time..

[Toodaloo]

I am agreeing that the writing was on the wall when you had the dalliance with the friend.

 

I am going to say something that will possibly be unpopular.

 

Is it too late to have an abortion or think about adoption?

 

The reason why I ask this is that this baby was conceived as a "sticky plaster", neither of you may think it right now but that is what it was. You both are in danger of resenting the child and are not in a good place to look after it.

 

Being a single mum is really hard work. That child will need all of your love.

 

If you do decide to go ahead you need to work on the communication with him so the pair of you can at least be civil and friendly. He has every right to that child once it is here as you do.

 

The fling you had has cast doubts in his mind that is why he wants the DNA test. He is looking for an out to the mistake of you guys getting back together. He wants a clean break if possible because the alternative is hurtful and will last at least 21 years regardless...

 

Will be thinking of you.

[kztar]

OP I think your ex was probably going to dump you regardless. Excuse me for being so cold but don't beat yourself up over this. Your relationship was done before this happened which is why you were vulnerable and cheated to begin with. I did this and my ex never found out. I was as vulnerable as you and had no emotional means with this guy.

 

This is probably the push that your ex needed to make the final decision. It might have been the "perfect excuse" for him to put the blame on YOU, rather than him. My ex dumped me and gave me stupid excuses, but he had started pulling away and acting cold months before. Im sure if he knew I cheated, this would have been his excuse to "dump" me.

 

Stop blaming yourself and look at the relationship for what it was, rather than what you wanted it to be. In time things will become more clear.

 

I hope things work out for you specially because you have a baby on the way.

 

Good luck.

[icecream1066]

I am trying so hard, it's just incredibly difficult. I said to him that I'd happily do a dna because I haven't slept with anyone else or been in contact with the other guy, and as I said before no amount of logical reasoning or explanation will get this through to him and he's just consistently angry. I just don't understand so much; what's the point of telling me to get rid of it only to turn around and say it isn't his and he's thought that from the start? Surely he wouldn't care if he was so sure. This thing that broke us up before happened in November, I found out I was two weeks pregnant in February so it just doesn't work in favour of what he's saying and makes me so angry. And despite that and me agreeing to a test but asking what he wants to do in terms of being involved at this time (I don't want him coming to scans if he thinks it's not his cos that isn't fair) he's still got an issue.

 

I'm eating right and doing everyday things and just trying to get on but it's so hard when this is all so fresh and seemingly continuing to get worse. I'm doing all I can in terms of trying to feel good for the baby but I just feel so sad and low all the time, it's so horrible and then I feel guilty because of the impact it could have on my baby. But doing all of this without him there is just incredibly hard.

[Zahara]

as I said before no amount of logical reasoning or explanation will get this through to him and he's just consistently angry. I just don't understand so much; what's the point of telling me to get rid of it only to turn around and say it isn't his and he's thought that from the start?

 

When emotions are involved, nothing is logical. Therefore, you're never going to get straightforward, rational and sensible answers that tie it all up into a bow.

 

This break-up/ending happened before your episode with this friend. But in his head, he never came to grips with his reality but possibly waffled in between wanting you and not wanting you. With that turmoil in his head, then came another load of emotional drama with the cheating. And even before you both could stabilize from that -- then you got pregnant. It was layer and layer of unresolved and suppressed emotions.

 

Now, it has all erupted and reality has surfaced to the top. He's having a child with someone he had no intentions of having a future with -- he's probably mad, sad, angry, confused -- and it has nothing to do with YOU. He's stuck in his own turmoil. So, don't expect or want rationality from him because it will only confuse and hurt you more. He can't and won't give you what you need.

 

You need to take care of yourself and your baby, regardless of what he decides, thinks or wants to do. You get your DNA test. You move forward with that information with regards to support. In time, hopefully both of you can come to an agreement as to how to parent the child while being civil with each other.

[BetheButterfly]

We found out I was pregnant in February (on the 4th I tested and it said I was two weeks gone which means that I fell pregnant in late January) and we were both really happy and began looking for places to move to so that we had more space and could cut some time off his commute. He told all his friends, even those who hated me for what happened before, and they were all really happy and encouraging. Everything seemed to really be on track and it felt like everything was behind us.

 

Sad to say, the past affects the present.

 

However, three weeks before the break up we had a few rows and I’m so disgusted and ashamed to admit I lashed out at him over a row in which he couldn’t understand why I was needing a bit of reassurance that a girl from work was messaging him a lot, which was really just down to my hormones in my opinion. We resolved that though and again, didn’t feel like anything was wrong.

That reminds me of this video:

 

"If Couples' Fights Were Honest"

 

 

 

Two weeks before the break up, he started acting weird and distant but wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, claimed he was really tired from work, until he told me that the things that happened before were starting to get to him again and really getting him down and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He reassured me that it would be okay, that he would go to the doctor, that there wasn’t somebody else and that he loved me and that I shouldn’t worry.

 

Two days later (Saturday 19th March) he broke down in tears and told me he was leaving, said he couldn’t do it anymore and that was it.

I'm so sorry.

Bearing in mind I was supposed to go to the hospital that day due to having some issues with the pregnancy, which is still fine, and had to go without him.

I'm so sorry.

 

In the last four weeks, he has gone from saying that he’s absolutely heartbroken and gutted and saying that he wants it to work but knows it can’t to basically hating my guts, wanting nothing to do with me and saying that his head was completely messed up when he came back and that it’s only now that he realised. He’s now living in the town where he works, which is an hour away, at a friend’s house, has become cold and uncaring towards me, says he’s completely over the relationship, is already on tinder and seeing other girls, we’ve both moved out from the flat, sharing the dog and he’s being completely unhelpful with the pregnancy. Originally he wanted to be involved, which to him is coming to the scans and that’s it basically, and wanted to provide as much as he can when the baby is born but refused to actually speak to me productively about anything to do with it. Then, quite quickly, he's gone from wanting to be involved and being on positive terms to suddenly, five days ago, saying that he wants a dna test which he has apparently wanted from the start (?!) and that he wished he never met me, among other absolutely awful things.

I personally think it's best if you no longer communicate with him. He's causing you too much stress and is not being a gentleman.

 

I’m a teaching assistant so I can’t afford to live by myself and pay for a baby so I’ve had to move back in with my parents who, naturally, want answers as to what they can expect from him and his parents in terms of involvement and support; they're livid because there has been no contact at all and that just makes it all the more harder.

Would you rather him continue to call you names?

 

You can't force him to be supportive of you. The best thing to do is to let him go.

 

I’m just completely emotionally destroyed. I love him so much and I cannot believe that this is where we’ve wound up. No matter what I’ve suggested, moving closer to his work so he’s less tired and stressed, going to counselling, having some time to be free before the baby comes, he’s just adamant and I can’t get over that he’s already over it and won’t try at all, that he's become so angry since leaving and actually thinks that our baby isn't his. And, worse than anything, I can’t get over how much I hurt him in the first place but to leave me pregnant, and act in the way he is, just seems so cruel and unfair.

You can heal, and you can love someone else someday, after you heal. You can love a man who truly loves you instead of hurts you.

 

 

I don’t want a single mum, I don’t want him to be a part time dad who doesn’t live nearby, I don’t want to sit at home crying over this situation and worrying about what’s gonna happen with the baby while he’s off not giving a toss. I’m so heartbroken and I just have no idea what to do or what to think anymore; the pain is unbearable, I hate myself and the fact that we’re having a baby together in this situation is too much. I can’t believe my child, our child, will come into the world this way. I love him beyond belief, I always have, and the fact that our life together is now gone is absolutely tearing me apart.

I am so sorry.

 

I know it’s my fault, that I deserve this, but any thoughts or advice would be welcomed.

1. Don't blame it all on yourself, though it's good that you are taking responsibility for your share of the issues.

 

2. Get a support group where you feel loved and accepted.

 

3. Don't be afraid to cry. Crying is a part of the healing process for many people.

 

4. Decide to let him go. You can't force him to stay.

 

5. Be positive and focus on positive things.

 

I just can’t believe that our future has been destroyed and five years have been ruined over a one-time mistake. The situation just seems to keep getting worse and worse and I'm just so terrified and full of pain. I haven't spoken to him for a week since saying I would do a dna test but that he had to say now whether he wanted to be involved in the pregnancy in terms of knowing things or not if he believes it's not his, but he never answered. I'm just so lost and I know it's my fault, I can't even begin to come to terms with my guilt and even though I try to keep my focus solely on the baby, it's still very hard.

Have you done the DNA test? I think that would be a good idea, but even if he is the father, don't expect that to make him come back.

 

Sorry for rambling.

Don't be sorry. Broken hearts are really painful. One of the reasons for Loveshack is to help people who are suffering broken hearts. Hugs. Remember, get a support group around you, and Loveshack can be a support group in a way too. Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Toodaloo]

Icecream how are you?

[icecream1066]

Thanks everyone for your responses, they're much appreciated.

 

To be honest I'm not doing much better at all; I'm still keeping busy as much as I can, going to work and trying to eat well and stuff, but I just feel so horrible all the time. I went a whole week without speaking to him until Thursday when we had to discuss a few things via text regarding our old flat and such, and it just turned into a horrible argument, consisting of me saying to him that we need to find a way to be on good terms at some point before the baby arrives, which to me means stop slagging me off, twisting things and speaking to me like he has been etc, and he's basically refused to do that. He came and collected the dog on Saturday for his two weeks with her and we talked for about ten minutes. He once again told me to get rid of it, that I'm ruining his life with what I did and by choosing to keep the baby and other horrible things. He's just still full of hatred and anger; I asked him what he wanted to do in terms of involvement between now and when the baby arrives if he doesn't believe it's his, in order to get an actual solid answer as he has yet to give me one before, and he told me to basically go away and leave him alone and that he didn't want to do anything to try and help us be on good terms, that it'll be fine when the baby's here and that it's 'ages away'.

 

He said that it's as real as it's gonna get for him but he's just not doing or interested in doing anything involved with the baby, even for himself and I just feel like I'm gonna end up serving as some sort of vessel, as in when the baby is born he, his friends and family will just swarm with no regard to me. Luckily I have a very supportive family who are very protective of me, along with a good home life in terms of living arrangements and such but I don't want it to come down to bitter fights. I even said to him that I'm worried things are gonna go too far in terms of animosity, like when he has to come to see the baby at my parents house, as I'll be staying there for a little while after the birth, and they can't stand the sight of him and it's all awkward and horrible, and he just shrugged. It's like talking to a complete stranger.

 

I've deleted and blocked him on all social media, but not before seeing him uploading a load of pictures of him and his three year old nephew a few hours after our talk, making me all the more confused as to what the hell is going on in his head and feel even worse, along with the fact that he just seems to be constantly out with this girl from work which just sucks.

 

I feel so pathetic and like a lousy mother for not having a more upbeat and less self pitying answer, but things are still so very painful.

Edited April 24, 2016 by icecream1066

[christailor]

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