Expectations about planning dates

[Zapbasket]

When Tuesday's movie plans didn't happen (see above), we talked about rescheduling for this weekend, or the following Tuesday.

 

He called me on Friday morning to set up a movie for that night. Unfortunately I was in meetings all day, not even at my office, didn't have my phone with me, and didn't get his message until that evening. So I called him, and we made plans for this coming Tuesday since I have a cold and didn't want to be snuffling and blowing my nose in a theater.

 

I have to admit, by now, I've lost interest in the guy. My interest was minimal to begin with, but I thought, let's give him a chance and see...and our interactions around just planning a date coupled with other impressions I gleaned about him have turned my "maybe" into a "no way." I mean, he called me about that movie, but later when we talked on the phone, he didn't even know where the movie was playing--the theaters where we live are over 20 miles apart from each other. After I looked up movie times and locales and we agreed on what worked for both of us, he asked if he should grab a bite at home first, or if we should meet somewhere for a quick bite before the movie. This was just the nail in the coffin for me.

 

And it's NOT about just the way he "planned" the movie. I have an overall sense that he's a wimp, with no confidence in his convictions, and he's over 50 with no real career advancement or ambition to develop. He doesn't have his own home or even rental place--he lives with a family--and all these things I'd be willing to overlook as circumstantial but my instinct just tells me it's a pretty accurate reflection of HIM.

 

I'm trying to tell myself to go through with the date since we do work together, albeit loosely, and our paths will cross. But isn't it disingenuous, not to mention a waste of my time, to go out with anyone whom I deem nice, sure, but whom I just don't really feel is equal to me--whom I don't really respect? I try to be open to the idea that another evening with him could change my mind, but as Candie13 said, I do have good instincts, and I DON'T feel I need to give this guy chance after chance when I am pretty sure what I see now is what there is, and any further contact will just drive that point home. And, frankly, the whole way this "date" is set up, I'm just not looking forward to it. He couldn't offer dinner? Really? I'm already planning to buy the movie tickets in advance, since I live near the theater and I know movies sell out quickly.

 

But one thing I'm trying to change about myself is feeling I must do X and Y out of obligation--I mean, it's one thing to feel obligated to friends or family, but relative strangers? And, I'm trying to hold out for what I think are acceptable way to be treated: I want someone to set up dates in advance. I want them to have plans in mind before they call to see if I'm free. I want a guy, in the beginning, to feel interested enough that he feels justified in inviting me out for dinner and a movie, not just a movie. I basically think either this guy is really lukewarm, or a pussy, or just...sorry...a loser. Sorry, but that's what my spidey senses are telling me.

 

Is there a classy way I could bow out of this whole thing while being completely honest? Could I just say, "Hey, you know, I enjoyed skiing with you last weekend and hanging out, but I just get the sense that we're not compatible and I don't want to waste either of our time."

 

Yes? No?

[katiegrl]

Just tell him that while you enjoyed meeting him, you don't feel enough chemistry to move forward. Wish him well.

 

Okay to send that in a text.

 

If he starts arguing with you about, don't respond back and block.

 

Done, next.

[Zapbasket]

Just tell him that while you enjoyed meeting him, you don't feel enough chemistry to move forward. Wish him well.

 

Okay to send that in a text.

 

If he starts arguing with you about, don't respond back and block.

 

Done, next.

 

Even though we work together? And our social circles overlap a lot?

[katiegrl]

Even though we work together? And our social circles overlap a lot?

 

Sure why not? I mean it's the truth isn't it? You DON'T feel enough chemistry, or any chemistry.

 

That's pretty obvious.

 

If you see him at work, be nice still, keep it professional.

 

The awkwardness will subside eventually.

[Jabron1]

I'm trying to tell myself to go through with the date since we do work together, albeit loosely, and our paths will cross.

 

That would make things worse.

 

I'm going to be straight with you. This will be the 2nd time that you've flaked on this guy - and it's getting out of order now. Do him a favour and just end it already.

 

Do it as gently as possible, for your own sake. I've worked in an environment with a pissed off love interest a few times, and it's hell.

[Zapbasket]

That would make things worse.

 

I'm going to be straight with you. This will be the 2nd time that you've flaked on this guy - and it's getting out of order now. Do him a favour and just end it already.

 

Do it as gently as possible, for your own sake. I've worked in an environment with a pissed off love interest a few times, and it's hell.

 

I've thought about this over the past several days, and no. I didn't flake on him. He screwed up last Tuesday by waiting until 2:15 the afternoon of to plan a date. My friends, my friends' partners, ME--even if we made a loose verbal agreement to get together a few days hence, we still follow up the night before, or at latest, the morning of, and offer plans and times.

 

How could I "flake" a second time, furthermore, when we DID NOT HAVE PLANS for Friday? I didn't get his message, was all, and again, I see that as his screw up since all we said on Tuesday is "over the weekend, or next Tuesday." So to call on Friday morning at 11am to make plans for that night? I was busy, didn't have my phone on me, and the way it was left it would have been more appropriate for him to have called on THURSDAY and said, "What night this weekend works for you for that movie? Or would Tuesday work better?"

 

The whole problem here is that this is a guy who isn't adult enough to know that people have lives and other obligations and if you are keen to get together with them, you have to make PLANS. Once we planned on Tuesday, with ME suggesting where to go for a quick "snack," in his words, and me looking up the movie times, he ended our conversation with, "I'll be at ____ tomorrow so I should be able to meet you by 5." And I had to say, "Tomorrow? You mean Tuesday?"

 

I am not going to apologize anymore for people who don't hold up basic social manners, as if it's my fault when people aren't organized / confident / interested enough to plan in advance.

 

So, no. I did not flake on him. And going forward, I'm just going to say, "Sorry, I can't go out with someone who doesn't plan dates." If you're interested, dude, plan a f*cking date. If you're not sure you're interested, then still plan a f*cking date, just to put the best foot forward. This was his dropped ball, big time, and not mine. I realize it works for some people to go on dates under the premise of "hanging out," or "net flicks and chill," but that just doesn't cut it for me, and I've seen plenty of evidence that there are plenty of people who adhere to better standards, and find a match in that pool.

[katiegrl]

Would you please stop blaming him and trashing him?

 

And no DO NOT send him that nasty text. That is not necessary, it's just mean!

 

Come on now.

 

And why are you so angry, sheesh! You don't even like the guy!

 

He wasn't for you, leave it at that!

 

No one is at fault here, you didn't click.... you are not compatible.

 

The end.

 

Send him a text saying you don't feel enough chemistry, or compatibility to pursue further.

 

Wish him well and move on.

 

When you see him at work, again be professional.

 

Do NOT talk about any of this at work among co-workers.

 

Work on getting over your anger... it's not a good look.

Edited April 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Zapbasket]

Would you please stop blaming him and trashing him?

 

And no DO NOT send him that nasty text. That is not necessary, it's just mean!

 

Come on now.

 

He wasn't for you, leave it at that!

 

No one is at fault here, you didn't click.... you are not compatible.

 

The end.

 

Send him a text saying you don't feel enough chemistry, or compatibility to pursue further.

 

Wish him well and move on.

 

When you see him at work, again be professional.

 

Do NOT talk about any of this at work among co-workers.

 

What are you talking about? I had no intention of sending him a nasty text. What i vented on HERE is of course not what I'd say to him or anyone else. I was venting, which is in part what a site like this is for.

 

And I don't talk about my dating life with...anyone really, except here, and with a couple of friends.

 

I'm feeling guilty, like I should just go on Tuesday, see how he reacts, and if he seems like he's thinking or hoping this could be a romantic thing, just GENTLY telling him no thank-you. You all seem to think I already have wronged him, and I don't feel that way, but I frankly don't have the dating confidence yet to just bag it when I'm not feeling it.

 

Surely, though, one is entitled to have a change of heart after seeing someone's behavior? I was genuine in saying I wanted to see him again, and then when his actions matched with my already-there impression that he is someone who just lets things happen around him, I lost interest.

[Jabron1]

I've thought about this over the past several days, and no. I didn't flake on him.

 

Well it's taken you several days to reach that conclusion. My conclusion over several minutes is that you did flake on him.

 

He asked you to see a movie on Tuesday. He left it vague (I'll give you that - I don't think that's much good either, especially on a workday). If you didn't like that, you should have told him you're busy or whatever, and nipped it in the bud. Instead you agreed and then double booked.

 

You could have text to confirm with him before double booking, but you didn't.

 

No point getting stroppy with me for just calling it like I see it.

 

In future nip this sort of situation in the bud.

 

Only problem for you now is the work situation.

[Zapbasket]

 

Work on getting over your anger... it's not a good look.

 

I think you really misunderstood me. Dude, I wasn't going to say any of this to him. I think it's fine for me to vent here on LS.

 

I feel like I can't post here about my efforts to go back into dating if everyone is going to jump down my back for not being interested. I have been and always am VERY NICE. It's a problem. Now NICE GreenCove is going to go on the date, and give this a go, since obviously to do otherwise makes me a mean, angry b*tch.

 

How about we try to be more supportive of people who post on here trying to figure out what works for them in dating, and what doesn't? That's not a "good look" for ANYONE on here, or for the site itself.

[katiegrl]

What am I talking about?

 

YOU posted, "going forward, I am just going to say this."

 

"If you're interested, plan a fu*king date......blah blah blah.

 

If you had no intention of actually sending, then you should have said THAT.

[katiegrl]

What am I talking about?

 

YOU posted, "going forward, I am just going to say this."

 

"If you're interested, plan a fu*king date......blah blah blah.

 

If you had no intention of actually sending, then you should have said THAT.

 

And yes please continue venting on here, that is what this board is for.

 

No one is suggesting you shouldn't.

 

But we are also entitled to respond back with our opinions re what you are venting about.

 

Of course you can change your mind about him!

 

But when ending it, be gracious tis all.

 

Apologies if I misunderstood your post.

 

And by the way, I am not a dude.... :)

[Jabron1]

Now NICE GreenCove is going to go on the date, and give this a go, since obviously to do otherwise makes me a mean, angry b*tch.

 

I'm saying don't go on the date. You're potentially causing yourself grief at work for a guy you aren't interested in.

 

How about we try to be more supportive of people who post on here trying to figure out what works for them in dating, and what doesn't?

 

Well, I suppose you've learned that accepting vague plans isn't your thing. The way to deal with it in future is to just decline the offer. Or perhaps you can gently nudge the guy into setting proper plans.

[Zapbasket]

What am I talking about?

 

YOU posted, "going forward, I am just going to say this."

 

"If you're interested, plan a fu*king date......blah blah blah.

 

If you had no intention of actually sending, then you should have said THAT.

 

I thought it was basically understood, just as it is when we vent about a situation in real life, that sometimes in venting you say, "I'm going to say this!" and what comes out in the moment is still venting, not a carefully composed actual representation of what you are going to say. I am confident that I do not come across on this site as someone, and nor do I know anyone, who would actually say to a near-stranger, "If you're interested, plan a f*cking date." Come on, really? You were being wayyy to literal; it SHOULD be ASSUMED that of course I would never actually say that. Jeez, I don't even have the balls to tell him now that I'm not interested. I sure wouldn't have the balls to say, "Plan a f*cking date"!

 

What's ironic is that in the distraction of THAT, what I am trying to improve and what I have sought help on here for, is that I have always been TOO nice, given TOO many chances, made excuses for TOO much. And finally I'm growing a spine. My upbringing, my instincts--that I too often in life have ignored--my social sphere, all support the idea that BUSY *ADULTS* MAKE PLANS. I'm open to all kinds of breaking of that "rule." But not for dating in the early stages. You respect the woman, you want to spend time with her, you plan a date. Saying "Tuesday evening" is not PLANNING.

 

Surely I can find a better guy, who would get this. As I said, my social sphere, the people I identify with and spend my time with...they all get it. It's not up for debate with them.

 

I don't see any way out of this date without seeming like an as*hole to you people. So I will go, be my always NICE, charming, open, probably-paying-for-everything self, and then if there is any ambiguity as to how he thinks things will pan out going forward, if he seems like he's leaning in for a kiss or some such, I will tell him I just don't see a compatibility there but I look forward to seeing him at work.

 

I know there are women who would nip this sh*t in the bud the moment she didn't hear from him the morning of. And somehow, she's be applauded for sticking to her guns, her standards, and what she wants. No one intimates that she's an as*hole for it. I want to be her; how can I be her?

[Zapbasket]

 

 

Well, I suppose you've learned that accepting vague plans isn't your thing. The way to deal with it in future is to just decline the offer. Or perhaps you can gently nudge the guy into setting proper plans.

 

Okay, THAT helps. THAT'S what I want to know. How would I do that? In this situation, how could I have nudged him into setting proper plans? I'm really asking.

 

Because a further turn-off for me was that even with me accepting alternate plans with a girlfriend when 2pm had come around and still no word from him, he still botches up the next attempt. It seems pretty basic that if you want to make plans with someone for the weekend, you contact on Thursday night at the latest, especially if you're hoping for something on Friday. I'd think, if he felt remotely chagrined after the first mishap--"Dang, I should have touched base earlier; it seems GreenCove does better when the plans are confirmed and specified in advance"--he'd have really had it together for the weekend, at LEAST to know what the movie times were, and at which theater it was playing! I mean, Jesus!

 

If I'd had any idea what a dunce he was with this, I'd never have agreed to a date. This all feels too stupid to even be bothering with and I'm really frustrated with myself for my crappy "douchebag radar." Another question is, was there any way I could have picked up on this earlier?

[Shining One]

Are there a bunch of posts in this thread that I can't see? As far as I can see, no one is saying you should go on the date, OP. Two posters are telling you to end things gracefully. Make that three.

[Jabron1]

I don't see any way out of this date without seeming like an as*hole to you people. So I will go, be my always NICE, charming, open, probably-paying-for-everything self, and then if there is any ambiguity as to how he thinks things will pan out going forward, if he seems like he's leaning in for a kiss or some such, I will tell him I just don't see a compatibility there but I look forward to seeing him at work.

 

The issue now is how to get yourself out of the sh*t

 

Just let him down gently. Going on the date would give the complete wrong impression, and make things harder.

 

Anyway, I got to go. I'm late for a family party. How exciting

[katiegrl]

Oh good lord, please read my posts again.

 

I am on your side!!

 

I have already said you should end it, that is okay to end it. More than okay!

 

You don't feel enough chemistry, you are not compatible, this is exactly what I posted!

 

No you are not an a**hole for wanting to end it, where did you get that?

 

I misunderstood your post when you said "going forward you are just going to say this."

 

I apologized for that.

 

And there is NO need to feel guilty!!!

 

You have every right to change your mind, I only posted what I did because I misunderstood your post and thought you were actually going to send that text. And I thought that was unnecessary.

 

Usually when i hear "going forward, I am going to do this, or say this" that is what I think.

 

Can you understand why I may have concluded that based on your wording?

 

Again apologies!

Edited April 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Shining One]

This thread is somewhat ironic for me. I've been teased by women for using calendar invites and sharing calendar free/busy information for scheduling dates.

[Zapbasket]

This thread is somewhat ironic for me. I've been teased by women for using calendar invites and sharing calendar free/busy information for scheduling dates.

 

lol, yeah, that might be going a little too far (but maybe that's just because I hate Outlook!). If someone did that with me, I'd sure get a good laugh out of it. But I'd be very flattered that the person was going to so much trouble to get to know me more If someone did that, and then was still warm, receptive, sense of humor, etc., I would SO dig it!

[Zapbasket]

Oh good lord, please read my posts again.

 

I am on your side!!

 

I have already said you should end it, that is okay to end it. More than okay!

 

You don't feel enough chemistry, you are not compatible, this is exactly what I posted!

 

No you are not an a**hole for wanting to end it, where did you get that?

 

I misunderstood your post when you said "going forward you are just going to say this."

 

I apologized for that.

 

And there is NO need to feel guilty!!!

 

You have every right to change your mind, I only posted what I did because I misunderstood your post and thought you were actually going to send that text. And I thought that was unnecessary.

 

Usually when i hear "going forward, I am going to do this, or say this" that is what I think.

 

Can you understand why I may have concluded that based on your wording?

 

Again apologies!

 

I hear you, I do! Thank you, seriously, for giving your input. This is a really hard thing for me and always have been--I'm always the "kind person" who considers others' feelings, and in therapy I've been learning how that's really NOT my job, especially when it means overriding MY needs. So my work is trying to override the "nice," and so when you said I was being mean, thinking I would ever say, "Plan an f-ing date," I just felt really overwhelmed. I mean, this is a HUGE weakness for me.

 

I see Jabron's point, that to go on Tuesday just makes it worse. At the same time, I don't see how I can get out of this without confusing the guy. I went from being interested, to not being interested, in a short span of time. Can I just be super honest with him and say something [now I"m really practicing what I would actually say] like: "I hate to do this, but I just feel it's the right thing to cancel Tuesday. I really enjoyed skiing with you last weekend, and enjoyed our time at the brewery, and you're very lovely.... I'm just not feeling the kind of chemistry I need to feel to make this a "date," and I don't want to give you the wrong idea." And then maybe I could add: "I know it seems like I am all over the place, but if i'm completely honest, I just need someone who is not afraid to show more interest and initiative in planning a date, otherwise I feel like I'm swirling around in someone's ambivalence and it just isn't a place I want to visit."

 

I just feel like, in his shoes, I'd be really confused, because I did call him when I realized I'd missed his call about Friday evening, and I did schedule a date. That's why I thought at this point I should just go and then at the end, say something akin to the above, or pull the old, "I'm just not ready to date right now" (which doesn't feel right to say). I feel like I should "finish" what I "started."

 

What's at stake for me in this is learning how to stick by my guns...but still in a compassionate way that does't go overboard and assume responsibility for the other's feelings.

Edited April 23, 2016 by GreenCove

[katiegrl]

I hear you, I do! Thank you, seriously, for giving your input. This is a really hard thing for me and always have been--I'm always the "kind person" who considers others' feelings, and in therapy I've been learning how that's really NOT my job, especially when it means overriding MY needs. So my work is trying to override the "nice," and so when you said I was being mean, thinking I would ever say, "Plan an f-ing date," I just felt really overwhelmed. I mean, this is a HUGE weakness for me.

 

I see Jabron's point, that to go on Tuesday just makes it worse. At the same time, I don't see how I can get out of this without confusing the guy. I went from being interested, to not being interested, in a short span of time. Can I just be super honest with him and say something [now I"m really practicing what I would actually say] like: "I hate to do this, but I just feel it's the right thing to cancel Tuesday. I really enjoyed skiing with you last weekend, and enjoyed our time at the brewery, and you're very lovely.... I'm just not feeling the kind of chemistry I need to feel to make this a "date," and I don't want to give you the wrong idea."

 

I just feel like, in his shoes, I'd be really confused, because I did call him when I realized I'd missed his call about Friday evening, and I did schedule a date. That's why I thought at this point I should just go and then at the end, say something akin to the above, or pull the old, "I'm just not ready to date right now" (which doesn't feel right to say). I feel like I should "finish" what I "started."

 

What's at stake for me in this is learning how to stick by my guns...but still in a compassionate way that does't go overboard and assume responsibility for the other's feelings.

 

GC, IMO that would be the perfect way to end this. Just as you worded it, exactly.

 

It is very kind and gracious.

 

No feeling guilty! He will get over it ....

 

But I do hear you too.

 

I STILL feel bad about this very kind, nice man I rejected many years ago due to no chemistry.

 

The look on his face when I ended it ..... he was crushed, still struggle with that all these years later....

 

He was and I am sure still is a good man, I hope he has found love and is happy.

[candie13]

OP, go with your instincts. I think no one on this planet should settle with anyone who won't blow their socks away. This guy ain't it. Cheers to him & next. And if you do feel sorry or guilty about doing this to such a nice but clueless dude, think that you're doing him a favor: he equally deserves a girl who's positively crazy about him and finds his lack of planning sweet and all. That ain't you, hehe! You sound like a hard core planner . Not good or bad, just something to consider, a lot of people use planning as a mean of control to cope with uncertainty. Will he call / won't he call / do I like him / don't I like him / does he like me / is he playing games. Dating is being in an eternal state of limbo, though... That's why I trust the instinct. Cuts through the chase. Not worth wasting time on people who don't excite you.

[candie13]

In all honesty, if the dude had called me, I would have really enjoyed it. Like... You blew him off - men take it poorly, especially when they know them have ****ed up - and on top of it, showed initiative and called. If you lost interest after this, absolutely don't see him. It sucks, but such is life. It would have had the same ending regardless of you two catching a movie or not.

[Zapbasket]

OP, go with your instincts. I think no one on this planet should settle with anyone who won't blow their socks away. This guy ain't it. Cheers to him & next. And if you do feel sorry or guilty about doing this to such a nice but clueless dude, think that you're doing him a favor: he equally deserves a girl who's positively crazy about him and finds his lack of planning sweet and all. That ain't you, hehe! You sound like a hard core planner . Not good or bad, just something to consider, a lot of people use planning as a mean of control to cope with uncertainty. Will he call / won't he call / do I like him / don't I like him / does he like me / is he playing games. Dating is being in an eternal state of limbo, though... That's why I trust the instinct. Cuts through the chase. Not worth wasting time on people who don't excite you.

 

That's it, too: my instinct about him preceded the planning stuff. It's just...something I can't exactly place my finger on, and the not planning extends from this other thing or things I picked up about him.

 

I do think that if I were really excited about him and didn't feel any niggling from within, I'd have treated the planning thing much differently. As I've said, I do plan in advance a lot of times, but I do also call up friends as I'm driving home from work to say, "Wanna grab a drink?" And when they do the same, I'm happy they called and if I'm free I happily take them up on a drinks / dinner / whatever outing.

 

I'm also afraid that maybe I'm just still not ready to date. I'm looking to make some important changes in my life, and I feel very protective of my time and my energies right now. But what I really feel is that I am ready to date...just...the right person. And I'm hopeful that when he comes along, I'll "know." No? At least I won't have the sense I have about this guy.