Expectations about planning dates

[Zapbasket]

I met someone this past weekend who sparked my interest. (I knew him peripherally from work.) I sparked his, as well, as after talking over drinks he said, "You're a pretty amazing woman, Green Cove." He asked me if I wanted to see a movie together on Tuesday--tonight. I said yes and we parted ways with, "We'll make a plan." Note that earlier that day I'd told him I'd really been enjoying his company that weekend and would like to spend more time getting to know him.

 

I decided to use this as a time to hang back and see what he'd do. So, Monday came and went with no contact. We're FB friends and he was on FB commenting on posts and posting political stuff all evening and still nothing. Tuesday morning came and went; he was on FB posting stuff all morning. Finally on Tuesday at 2:30, he calls me at work and I can't answer as I'm on the other line. He leaves me a message asking whether I'm still up for a movie and to call him. So I did, and said, "When I didn't hear from you all morning, I thought something had come up for you and so I agreed to meet a girlfriend for dinner. How about we do the movie another night, then?" So we loosely agreed to this weekend or next Tuesday.

 

I have to say I'm not impressed that he waited so long to cinch a plan. It just seems, to my logic and from my experience, that if he REALLY thought I was so "amazing," he'd have called me the night before, morning of at the latest, to suggest a movie time and make a plan. It struck me as him being ambivalent, or maybe under-confident. Especially the latter since he'd told me over the weekend that he's not good at reading signals from women and so in the past he has missed out on dating some women he might really have gotten on well with. I got the impression when he said that that he waits for reassurance from the woman before he acts, and that was when I told him I was enjoying getting to know him and wanted to get together again. I thought that was reassuring enough, but then the way he didn't plan the date and waited until almost mid-afternoon to get in touch with me seems...wimpy, or that he's really not that interested.

 

I'll be honest: the way he failed to plan the date made me lose interest, as well. I realize there is room for all kinds of confusions and conflicting expectations and assumptions around planning a first, second, etc. date, so is there any way I could have communicated to him my expectation that he call in a timely manner to plan the date and had a plan in mind? When the afternoon came and I still hadn't heard a peep from him, and I'd been seeing his posts on FB all morning so I knew there wasn't some emergency keeping him from calling, I did go ahead and agree to meet a friend for dinner. I realized today that someone respecting my time enough to make plans with me in advance, especially for a first or second date, is important to me and I am not going to wait around for someone to call. I was not going to call him, as I felt the ball was in his court since he was the one who suggested getting together tonight to see a movie.

 

Also, am I wrong to surmise that his uber-casual way of "planning" this date says something about his degree of interest--i.e., not that much interest?

Edited April 20, 2016 by GreenCove

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh my gosh all of this over planning a date!

 

You were wrong on this one imo, you dropped the ball. When he asked you to see a movie Tuesday night the date was planned. You should have assumed you were seeing him that evening but instead you went ahead and arranged to see a friend for dinner, telling him that essentially something better has come up and now you no longer want to see him. It comes across a bit like a test: you wanted to test his interest by making demands on how often he contacts you (that he didn't even know about) and when he failed to message the adequate number of times or at the correct time you blew him off. Normally I'd agree that if someone isn't in touch they're not into you, but you only saw him two or three days ago and he made plans to see you ASAP (a Tuesday night date after the weekend). Maybe he's someone who wants to get to know you in person rather than building up false intimacy via text.

 

Either way, you blew it. All you can hope for now is that he gives you a second chance, go see him on the next date planned and apologise for getting your calendar mixed and bailing on the date. He may now have surmised that you're not that into him and lost interest too. You made yourself look insecure, that unless you get a certain amount of contact you don't believe he'd want to go out with you. A secure person would have known once you'd agreed on Tuesday evening that you were seeing each other Tuesday evening and only reached out late Tuesday aft to confirm plans if he didn't get chance first.

[Zapbasket]

Oh my gosh all of this over planning a date!

 

Yeah, I'm a little skittish because I've not heeded warning signs in the past in dating, and my love life has been a very painful one:(. I read here about dating pitfalls, mixed messages, etc., and I took his waiting to contact me as a sign of HIS insecurity. I've had people wait until just hours before to plan a date and it hasn't fazed me in the past...but that was before I've found myself in innumerable situations where it became evident the person was not into me, after all. So I actually thought this time, maybe I was doing the right thing. I'm just trying to learn here

 

You were wrong on this one imo, you dropped the ball. When he asked you to see a movie Tuesday night the date was planned.

 

What about time? Theater? Whether to meet for dinner or a drink beforehand or after? Then I could know whether I'd have time for a run and a shower between work and meeting him, whether I should pick up something to eat or whether I'll have time to quickly cook something at home before we meet, etc. I thought I was being smart not to just leave my whole evening hanging open and not hearing from him and not knowing what I have time to get accomplished before we meet, etc. In the past, I'd have left the evening open, reach out to the guy if I hadn't heard from him by the end of the morning, etc. That hasn't worked well for me as I've only ever ended up with guys who put in the minimum effort. So I thought I'd try something different.

 

You should have assumed you were seeing him that evening but instead you went ahead and arranged to see a friend for dinner, telling him that essentially something better has come up and now you no longer want to see him. It comes across a bit like a test:

 

It was a test. Not of how much he contacts me since I don't text except to cinch plans, etc. It was a test of how he handles planning a date. Of how much he respects my time. Of whether, based in part on how he handles these things, he's worth dating. In the past, I've not given such things much thought, and have accommodated to whatever. And what I've gotten in response has just been one big, "whatever."

 

Either way, you blew it. All you can hope for now is that he gives you a second chance, go see him on the next date planned and apologise for getting your calendar mixed and bailing on the date. He may now have surmised that you're not that into him and lost interest too. You made yourself look insecure, that unless you get a certain amount of contact you don't believe he'd want to go out with you.

 

Perhaps all true, except it wasn't about amount of contact. I hate talking on the phone and hate texting and really just am interested in getting to know someone in person. I'd edit your last sentence above to say: "Unless someone puts some real forethought into a date and is proactive about making plans, in the past it has been a pretty accurate measure of the person's level of interest."

 

A secure person would have known once you'd agreed on Tuesday evening that you were seeing each other Tuesday evening and only reached out late Tuesday aft to confirm plans if he didn't get chance first.

 

Would a secure person perhaps also want to know early on whether she might have some time after work to accomplish a few errands / eat dinner and what and where before meeting her date? I had a super-busy day at work and really would have preferred that all the details were sorted and settled the night before, and all I had to do was show up at the agreed-upon time. I didn't have time to try to figure this all out during the afternoon. Would a secure person, then, have called him herself on Monday evening to determine time and movie theater (one is closer to him, the other is closer to me and the two are about 25 miles apart)?

[PegNosePete]

When I didn't hear from you all morning, I thought something had come up for you and so I agreed to meet a girlfriend for dinner.

Is that the truth, or a lie to "punish" him for not planning the date well enough?

 

I really think you need to relax a little. He said he'd take you to a movie on Tuesday. Who knows what he is thinking? Maybe he is really excited and telling all his friends how excited he is. Just because he didn't give you a specific time yet, you're throwing your toys out the pram? Why didn't you just message him and say "so whats the plans for tonight then?" - that is what I would have done.

 

You're way over-thinking this and scrutinizing him too closely for flaws. If you look for flaws, you will find them. If you relax and go with the flow you might just have a good time.

[elaine567]

He makes a date, he calls to confirm and you tell him you have something else planned...

 

Oh dear!

Its not a very nice way to treat people, is it?

[d0nnivain]

I get why you are annoyed. In the back of my mind I will always be a bit of "Rules girl" meaning I don't like last minute dates. If you can't bother to call me a few days in advance to plan a date, I worry that you have so little respect for me & my time that you think I'm sitting around with nothing to do waiting for you.

 

 

That said, it's old fashioned thinking. Society changed. People lost the ability to make plans. Everything is spontaneous. They want instant gratification & it never dawned on them that people have lives or other commitments.

 

 

So, if you can come to terms with the idea that he's not a planner & the best you're gonna get is a few hours notice, go out with him because really that is the issue. If that laissez-faire attitude will make you crazier as the relationship progresses don't bother.

[Zapbasket]

I get why you are annoyed. In the back of my mind I will always be a bit of "Rules girl" meaning I don't like last minute dates. If you can't bother to call me a few days in advance to plan a date, I worry that you have so little respect for me & my time that you think I'm sitting around with nothing to do waiting for you.

 

 

That said, it's old fashioned thinking. Society changed. People lost the ability to make plans. Everything is spontaneous. They want instant gratification & it never dawned on them that people have lives or other commitments.

 

 

So, if you can come to terms with the idea that he's not a planner & the best you're gonna get is a few hours notice, go out with him because really that is the issue. If that laissez-faire attitude will make you crazier as the relationship progresses don't bother.

 

Yes, that's exactly it. I wasn't trying at all to be unkind, or "throwing toys out of the pram," to quote another poster. I was trying to be smart. Ironically I myself am what you'd call a "spontaneous planner," but mostly with people I know very well and with whom I am close. I actually feel that's one of the nice things about being close with someone--you can leave work and think, "Man, I could use some fun company and a drink," and call the person out of the blue and say, "Hey, wanna join me for a drink?" When I'm on the receiving end of that kind of planning with someone, I am happy to accommodate because that person is already a priority in my life anyway in some measure. But also with friends, I try occasionally to be a true "planner," so that no one ever feels they're an afterthought. It's flattering that someone wants to plan something with you and thinks ahead.

 

I'm not a fan of spontaneous planning when you're just getting to know someone. I like spontaneity but I also want to see that someone respects my time and feels that it's special to spend time with me. You're not "spontaneous" about trying to schedule a job interview; you work everything out in advance, and maybe even tough base the day before or morning of just to confirm. Dating is an "interview" of sorts in the very beginning; you're both getting to know each other and seeing if there's a connection worthy of another date.

 

That's what I was thinking...and everyone here is saying I blew it. And yes, there really was a friend who really did shoot me a text asking if I wanted to meet for dinner. It was 1pm; I hadn't heard anything from the guy and felt nonplussed about that; so I decided to go ahead and make plans with my friend instead.

 

I'm trying hard to put myself out there again, despite feeling really shaky about relationships and dating because I have been so, so hurt, especially by my most recent relationship, which you could define as, "Green Cove didn't have good boundaries." In the past, I had no real emotional expectations in the beginning of dating. I just went with the flow. That didn't work for me, so I thought I'd try something else. I really thought I was being smart with this one.

[clia]

When did you two make the plans for Tuesday?

[Zapbasket]

When did you two make the plans for Tuesday?

 

Sunday, after a big group of us had gone skiing. We both were in a rush after the mountain closed and as we were walking to our respective cars he asked me if I wanted to see the one particular movie with him. I enthusiastically said yes; he said, "How about Tuesday," I said, "Sounds good; let's be in touch" and he said, "Okay."

[Eternal Sunshine]

I get it. I ended it with a guy couple of months back because he didn't plan dates and would always leave things till few hours before to the point that I had no idea if we were doing anything.

 

If you really like him, try to give him a bit of leeway. Dating is always a risk so trying to protect yourself at all costs is not even possible. I don't think what he did is a red flag since he did get in touch. It's probably more case of miscommunication.

 

At this point, I would be a bit proactive about organizing the next date

[clia]

Sunday, after a big group of us had gone skiing. We both were in a rush after the mountain closed and as we were walking to our respective cars he asked me if I wanted to see the one particular movie with him. I enthusiastically said yes; he said, "How about Tuesday," I said, "Sounds good; let's be in touch" and he said, "Okay."

 

I understand your desire to want more details so you can plan your afternoon/evening - I prefer that as well.

 

But that said...in this instance I think you were wrong to make other plans without checking in with him. You two made these plans only two days prior. It wasn't like you made them a week in advance and hadn't heard from him. From his viewpoint, he might've thought it was all set -- movie, Tuesday evening. He probably didn't want to appear too eager, so he checked in with you a day and a half later, early afternoon. How did he react when you told him you made other plans?

 

I just don't see this as a situation where he contacted you last minute to set up a date. You had a date. You just didn't have every specific detail. I think in the early stages it's fine to cut people some slack. Everyone is afraid of appearing too clingy, too eager, etc.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yeah, I'm a little skittish because I've not heeded warning signs in the past in dating, and my love life has been a very painful one:(. I read here about dating pitfalls, mixed messages, etc., and I took his waiting to contact me as a sign of HIS insecurity. I've had people wait until just hours before to plan a date and it hasn't fazed me in the past...but that was before I've found myself in innumerable situations where it became evident the person was not into me, after all. So I actually thought this time, maybe I was doing the right thing. I'm just trying to learn here

 

 

 

What about time? Theater? Whether to meet for dinner or a drink beforehand or after? Then I could know whether I'd have time for a run and a shower between work and meeting him, whether I should pick up something to eat or whether I'll have time to quickly cook something at home before we meet, etc. I thought I was being smart not to just leave my whole evening hanging open and not hearing from him and not knowing what I have time to get accomplished before we meet, etc. In the past, I'd have left the evening open, reach out to the guy if I hadn't heard from him by the end of the morning, etc. That hasn't worked well for me as I've only ever ended up with guys who put in the minimum effort. So I thought I'd try something different.

 

 

 

It was a test. Not of how much he contacts me since I don't text except to cinch plans, etc. It was a test of how he handles planning a date. Of how much he respects my time. Of whether, based in part on how he handles these things, he's worth dating. In the past, I've not given such things much thought, and have accommodated to whatever. And what I've gotten in response has just been one big, "whatever."

 

 

 

Perhaps all true, except it wasn't about amount of contact. I hate talking on the phone and hate texting and really just am interested in getting to know someone in person. I'd edit your last sentence above to say: "Unless someone puts some real forethought into a date and is proactive about making plans, in the past it has been a pretty accurate measure of the person's level of interest."

 

 

 

Would a secure person perhaps also want to know early on whether she might have some time after work to accomplish a few errands / eat dinner and what and where before meeting her date? I had a super-busy day at work and really would have preferred that all the details were sorted and settled the night before, and all I had to do was show up at the agreed-upon time. I didn't have time to try to figure this all out during the afternoon. Would a secure person, then, have called him herself on Monday evening to determine time and movie theater (one is closer to him, the other is closer to me and the two are about 25 miles apart)?

 

I tend to prefer plans set in stone in advance too to be fair, I am a bit of a planner like that. If I was properly dating someone I'd try and let them see that (one time we mentioned a date get my diary out to write to down and ask what time, where etc) but with someone you're at the very very early stages I think it's enough that he asked you out and gave you date and rough time. It's not like he said 'next week sometime' and it's now Sunday night with no word from him.

 

I feel a secure person would have presumed that they had time for whatever was necessary after work, if he got in touch and you said you couldn't meet until 8 as you had some work to do or could only meet early because you had an early start next day that would be fine and the natural consequence of last minute planning. But blowing him off completely was a crappy move, if someone did that to me I'd assume they'd forgotten all about our date and move on.

 

Also if you were that concerned about plans why didn't you reach out to him? He was the one to suggest the date so it's not like you'd be hot on his heels in pursuit. A simple 'hey what time are you free later?' Would have saved all of this.

 

When I started seeing my now partner of a couple years he was very last minute, spontaneous kinda guy. If I was gonna see friends we'd have it arranged a couple weeks in advance due to all being so busy, but he was the type to text a friend on the way outta work to ask if they fancied a drink later. He tried it with me initially, asking if I wanted to pop by the pub with a couple hours to spare and I never bit, I genuinely did need more notice due to crazy work scheduling but I joked he should ask me out on a proper date so he did, and from that point onward he got it, that if he wanted to see me he'd have to plan and make time because I didn't do last minute (again, simply down to not having much free time, I was working 80 hours per week and 9am-1am most days, all weekend too).

 

But even being like that myself, if he'd asked me to the cinema on Tuesday I'd be keeping Tuesday night free. Only once it'd hit like 7pm or been and gone would I consider myself to have been forgotten about. I don't think I'd have sat and monitored his Facebook though, I'd have just reached out asking for specifics so I could sort my shifts out. There's no big deal in that, right? He was probably wondering why you'd gone radio silent too.

[Zapbasket]

I tend to prefer plans set in stone in advance too to be fair, I am a bit of a planner like that. If I was properly dating someone I'd try and let them see that (one time we mentioned a date get my diary out to write to down and ask what time, where etc) but with someone you're at the very very early stages I think it's enough that he asked you out and gave you date and rough time. It's not like he said 'next week sometime' and it's now Sunday night with no word from him.

 

I feel a secure person would have presumed that they had time for whatever was necessary after work, if he got in touch and you said you couldn't meet until 8 as you had some work to do or could only meet early because you had an early start next day that would be fine and the natural consequence of last minute planning. But blowing him off completely was a crappy move, if someone did that to me I'd assume they'd forgotten all about our date and move on.

 

Also if you were that concerned about plans why didn't you reach out to him? He was the one to suggest the date so it's not like you'd be hot on his heels in pursuit. A simple 'hey what time are you free later?' Would have saved all of this.

 

When I started seeing my now partner of a couple years he was very last minute, spontaneous kinda guy. If I was gonna see friends we'd have it arranged a couple weeks in advance due to all being so busy, but he was the type to text a friend on the way outta work to ask if they fancied a drink later. He tried it with me initially, asking if I wanted to pop by the pub with a couple hours to spare and I never bit, I genuinely did need more notice due to crazy work scheduling but I joked he should ask me out on a proper date so he did, and from that point onward he got it, that if he wanted to see me he'd have to plan and make time because I didn't do last minute (again, simply down to not having much free time, I was working 80 hours per week and 9am-1am most days, all weekend too).

 

But even being like that myself, if he'd asked me to the cinema on Tuesday I'd be keeping Tuesday night free. Only once it'd hit like 7pm or been and gone would I consider myself to have been forgotten about. I don't think I'd have sat and monitored his Facebook though, I'd have just reached out asking for specifics so I could sort my shifts out. There's no big deal in that, right? He was probably wondering why you'd gone radio silent too.

 

All right, so I blew it. Let's say it's pretty important to me, actually, that at the beginning of dating someone actually make an effort to plan in advance and set up the date. How do I communicate that, or do I just decide to completely drop this standard and just go along with whatever, like I've always done up to now, and just blindly hope for different results?

 

I'm about to cry. I'm really trying my best and I don't know how to proceed in a way that really takes care of ME. I'm sorry if I blew it, but on the other hand, what-freaking-ever.

 

How about if I salvage it this way: we left off agreeing loosely to reschedule the movie for this weekend, or next Tuesday (Tuesdays are when movies are half-price so I threw that out there in case he wouldn't want to see a movie when it's full-price). So how about on Friday, I contact him and say, "How about that movie? Would Saturday night work for you? And I have an idea: we could go get drinks at this awesome distillery beforehand."

 

Then, if he thought I blew him off because I don't have manners or am 100% uninterested, then that surely will show him otherwise. Except maybe the manners part. See, what bugs me is that really in my eyes it was HIS lack of "manners," for lack of a better word, that led to this mess in the first place. I'm sorry, but I feel pretty strongly that if you're serious about getting to know someone, and you ask them on a date, that you actually then make sure everything is in place. In an effort not to look to eager, he only looked ambivalent. Which then made me balk, and then I have to decide to go into the date more uncertain than if he'd just set the plans a little earlier, or whether to drop it but without really enough information. And now, since I "messed up," if I want to salvage things now I have to be the one to put it all out there, to contact him in advance, to make a plan, to also do what he didn't have the foresight to do and invite him to dinner before the movie since what's the point of doing an activity where you don't get to talk at all and hey, you have to eat? And I'm going to do a great job, because I'm attentive and caring and enjoy setting up fun plans whether spontaneously or well in advance, and once a-bloody-freaking-gain I give all and I get not nearly enough in return.

 

And then I post on here and just end up feeling like crap. Sometimes I feel like trying to hold some standards and boundaries just awakens people's hostility. I feel like I always have to be the nice, accommodating girl. And where has that led me?

 

Sometimes I feel like I just never, ever want to date or get into a relationship ever again.

Edited April 20, 2016 by GreenCove

[Cinnamonstix]

But even being like that myself, if he'd asked me to the cinema on Tuesday I'd be keeping Tuesday night free. Only once it'd hit like 7pm or been and gone would I consider myself to have been forgotten about.

 

I think that's leaving it too late.

 

GreenCove, I don't think you blew it. You teach people how to treat you. Could your cut-off time to move on to other plans have been a little later given that you made tentative plans two days ago? Sure. But you don't know the guy and to me, without a specific time and plan, they are tentative. He might have bailed and so you took someone else up on plans. It's not a big deal. If he really likes you he will realize you like to plan things out and that he should contact you earlier to set things up. He might be sitting there thinking that HE blew it. If anything, you are weeding out guys that are not that interested or are not compatible in terms of planning and communicating. It saves a lot of headaches later on.

[acrosstheuniverse]

How about if I salvage it this way: we left off agreeing loosely to reschedule the movie for this weekend, or next Tuesday (Tuesdays are when movies are half-price so I threw that out there in case he wouldn't want to see a movie when it's full-price). So how about on Friday, I contact him and say, "How about that movie? Would Saturday night work for you? And I have an idea: we could go get drinks at this awesome distillery beforehand."

 

Then, if he thought I blew him off because I don't have manners or am 100% uninterested, then that surely will show him otherwise. Except maybe the manners part. See, what bugs me is that really in my eyes it was HIS lack of "manners," for lack of a better word, that led to this mess in the first place.

 

Yeah, that sounds like a great plan. You accepted a better offer so the onus is on you to reach out, convey your interest and plan a new date. I'm sure if you do invite him out on a date, he'll realise you're interested after all and you can go out and have a great time. While you're on the date you can mention that you prefer to plan things in advance hence ending up seeing your friend rather than going to the cinema for him, and maybe he'll pick that up for the future. However I'm pretty sure in his mind he'll be thinking if it's such a big deal to you, why didn't you contact him to finalise plans. Your preference is to have the guy plan dates in advance but he may be more modern in his thinking and not have realised the onus was on him. Either in future he'll make sure to plan ahead in order to secure your company, or he won't, in which case you've figured out ahead of time you're simply not compatible.

 

Everyone has a different perspective but I think most people would agree that blowing someone off for another plan ranks more highly in bad manners than not finalising the evening's plans until late afternoon. Again, everyone is different and has different expectations, that's why dating is so difficult! I don't think this is beyond saving, try not to get too upset about it. If you want to see him Saturday night, why not ask him out for then now? If you leave it until the day before that could come across like a last minute thing because nothing better has come along.

[candie13]

Hum... OP, the most important thing, thé only important thing is to be true to yourself. You have a great intuition, maybe you picked up on something. I am totally like you - but only if it's something like 5-6 days in between dates. If it's less than 2 days, I just am spontaneous and pretend I didn't notice it that he didn't move a finger until The very last minute.

 

I read this great book who said that the first 3-4 months, You are not meant to make requests, You are simply meant to observe. Sit back & watch.

 

I am not sure if there is something to save, unless the man is interested. Keep your cool and notice how he's texting. If he's disengaged, cross him off... I hate running after men, it never brought anything.

[d0nnivain]

If you would actually like to go on a date with him, reach out & set one up, your treat.

 

Apologize for the crossed wires & explain your preferences: pick a date in advance then call before a certain time on the day of (including the day before) to confirm. Since you hadn't hear from him that Tuesday when another option presented itself you took it because at that point (I think you said it was around 1:00) in the absence of clear follow up you thought his invite from days earlier was a mere throw away & he didn't really mean it.

 

Again, for now accept the blame for the crossed wires but see how he takes that info & what he does with it. If he doesn't ask in advance & follow up be done with him.

[katiegrl]

Green Cove, since you needed to know what time and locale in order to plan .... is there any particular reason why you could not have contacted him?

 

I mean you had a definite date. All you needed was the time and locale. Why assume he was blowing you off just cuz he had not contacted you within a certain arbitrary timeframe that you deemed appropriate?

 

JMO but next time instead of blowing the entire date (and him) off and making other plans, text him first and ask him what time y'all are meeting and where.

 

Don't blame him for previous hurts and disappointments from other guys.

 

That's not fair.

Edited April 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[Zapbasket]

Green Cove, since you needed to know what time and locale in order to plan .... is there any particular reason why you could not have contacted him?

 

Because I am a very energetic, brave, forward, vivacious person and I have often found myself steaming along for two, and the other person--with less energy and less verve--just goes along for the ride, and this imbalance has caused problems. I am looking for something DIFFERENT going forward, and for once I decided to hold back to see what HE would do. He asked me out for a movie on Tuesday and I said yes. Not only did I say that, in a different conversation with him I told him I was really enjoying my time with him and would like to spend more time with him in the future. He told me he thought I was an "amazing woman." I thought I'd given him plenty of encouragement to take the lead on this one.

 

I mean you had a definite date. All you needed was the time and locale.

 

And also to know if we were getting dinner together. I needed to know if I should drive 20 miles back to my house from work to fix something to eat before meeting him, or if I could do a trail run by my work, drive home and do a quick shower/change before meeting him for dinner BEFORE the movie. I suppose I could have taken the lead on this and proposed what I wanted...but again, I really wanted to see what kind of person I was possibly dealing with here. Someone with confidence, who felt a woman he met was "amazing," surely would be extra-proactive about getting everything set up just right for the date. That's what I thought. To come out and say a person is "amazing" in their eyes and then put forth a very casual effort just seems a little ??????

 

Is that not reasonable?

 

JMO but next time instead of blowing the entire date (and him) off and making other plans, text him first and ask him what time y'all are meeting and where.

 

You're right, I'm sure.... I guess by the time 2pm had rolled around and I STILL had heard nothing (I'd already agreed to other plans with my girlfriend an hour before), I felt a bit put off and like this matched up with what my spidey senses were telling me when we were skiing together: that he's maybe a bit wimpy, second-guesses himself too much. It was just a vibe I got and the way he went about the date on Tuesday seemed to validate it.

 

Don't blame him for previous hurts and disappointments from other guys.

 

That's not fair.

 

I don't want to do that. But how is the way I handled this situation doing that? Am I wrong for wanting something different the next time I get involved with someone? Before, I was repeating a pattern over and over that was very detrimental to me. Now, I have worked hard in therapy, and I want to be available for something different rather than end up in the old familiar pattern. I know I've done enough work that I've outgrown the pattern...but I feel a bit unsure how to go about reaching for something more, something that is truly fulfilling to me.

[katiegrl]

Because I am a very energetic, brave, forward, vivacious person and I have often found myself steaming along for two, and the other person--with less energy and less verve--just goes along for the ride, and this imbalance has caused problems. I am looking for something DIFFERENT going forward, and for once I decided to hold back to see what HE would do. He asked me out for a movie on Tuesday and I said yes. Not only did I say that, in a different conversation with him I told him I was really enjoying my time with him and would like to spend more time with him in the future. He told me he thought I was an "amazing woman." I thought I'd given him plenty of encouragement to take the lead on this one.

 

And also to know if we were getting dinner together. I needed to know if I should drive 20 miles back to my house from work to fix something to eat before meeting him, or if I could do a trail run by my work, drive home and do a quick shower/change before meeting him for dinner BEFORE the movie. I suppose I could have taken the lead on this and proposed what I wanted...but again, I really wanted to see what kind of person I was possibly dealing with here. Someone with confidence, who felt a woman he met was "amazing," surely would be extra-proactive about getting everything set up just right for the date. That's what I thought. To come out and say a person is "amazing" in their eyes and then put forth a very casual effort just seems a little ??????

 

Is that not reasonable?

 

 

 

You're right, I'm sure.... I guess by the time 2pm had rolled around and I STILL had heard nothing (I'd already agreed to other plans with my girlfriend an hour before), I felt a bit put off and like this matched up with what my spidey senses were telling me when we were skiing together: that he's maybe a bit wimpy, second-guesses himself too much. It was just a vibe I got and the way he went about the date on Tuesday seemed to validate it.

 

 

I don't want to do that. But how is the way I handled this situation doing that? Am I wrong for wanting something different the next time I get involved with someone? Before, I was repeating a pattern over and over that was very detrimental to me. Now, I have worked hard in therapy, and I want to be available for something different rather than end up in the old familiar pattern. I know I've done enough work that I've outgrown the pattern...but I feel a bit unsure how to go about reaching for something more, something that is truly fulfilling to me.

 

Fair enough... only problem is HE didn't know that you were testing him and that he was supposed to call you within a certain time frame.

 

He DID contact you.... having NO idea that you were expecting him to call earlier and/or testing him to see if he would call earlier.

 

Just me but I don't think that is fair.

 

Anyway, you did what was right for you, so that is what is important.

[katiegrl]

 

I don't want to do that. But how is the way I handled this situation doing that? Am I wrong for wanting something different the next time I get involved with someone? Before, I was repeating a pattern over and over that was very detrimental to me. Now, I have worked hard in therapy, and I want to be available for something different rather than end up in the old familiar pattern. I know I've done enough work that I've outgrown the pattern...but I feel a bit unsure how to go about reaching for something more, something that is truly fulfilling to me.

 

I think you were wrong for assuming, because he had not contacted you within a particular timeframe that YOU deemed appropriate, that he was blowing you off.... and as such made other plans.

 

And also for assuming that cuz he thought you were amazing (which I am sure he did).... that this somehow requires him to contact you within that same timeframe.... lest you believe he was lying and/or that he doesn't think you're so amazing after all.

 

How would you have like it if he were testing you, but you didn't know that, and as such failed the test .... and HE made other plans and blew you off?

 

I dunno... I don't mean to make you feel bad or guilty, you have been hurt before so perhaps all this is understandable.

 

But since I would not like or appreciate being blown off because I failed a test that I didn't know about.... I would never blow anyone else off either.

Edited April 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[The_Dork_Lard]

Man, I'm so glad I'm not dating women at the moment.

 

Jesus!

 

OP, just show this thread to him, please!

[Zapbasket]

Man, I'm so glad I'm not dating women at the moment.

 

Jesus!

 

OP, just show this thread to him, please!

 

Something tells me there are a number of women out there, meeting you and feeling the same way about men. But maybe they just have to SEE you, and not one of your threads.

 

Now go find something better to do than be a jerk on people's threads.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Something tells me there are a number of women out there, meeting you and feeling the same way about men. But maybe they just have to SEE you, and not one of your threads.

 

Now go find something better to do than be a jerk on people's threads.

 

Oh if they saw one of my threads, they wouldn't want to see me.

 

It's just, in your first post your were calling him wimpy... seriously? Perhaps deep down he's picked up a negative judgemental vibe about you, and his apprehension is...

... justified?

 

If it means that much to you, why couldn't you be straight and give him a time and venue? Worried he'd think you're butch? Why the game playing? Holding back, to see what he'd do and all that. What's the point? When he said "wanna see a movie Tuesday", why didn't you reply "Sure, let's say 8pm at such and such cinema"? That'd be the adult thing to do.

[Zapbasket]

Oh if they saw one of my threads, they wouldn't want to see me.

 

It's just, in your first post your were calling him wimpy... seriously? Perhaps deep down he's picked up a negative judgemental vibe about you, and his apprehension is...

... justified?

 

I don't think so. I mean, on Saturday I was the one who suggested going for drinks after skiing. I gave him a ride back to his car after that, and then I'm the one who texted him on Sunday morning to confirm that we were skiing together that day, too. I was pretty forward, and pretty friendly--I mean, I outright told him I was interested and wanted to spend more time with him.

 

If it means that much to you, why couldn't you be straight and give him a time and venue? Worried he'd think you're butch? Why the game playing? Holding back, to see what he'd do and all that. What's the point? When he said "wanna see a movie Tuesday", why didn't you reply "Sure, let's say 8pm at such and such cinema"? That'd be the adult thing to do.

 

You're right. I should have just been more straightforward about the whole thing. I guess I am tired of always taking the lead; as in the example in my previous paragraph, I'm pretty direct about my interest and wanting to spend time and then actually doing it. And it would mean a lot to me, I'll admit, to meet someone who takes the lead. Personally, I do think it's chancing it to wait until just a few hours before a date to set the meeting time. If it had been me inviting him to the movie, he'd have heard from me either the night before or the morning of; I'd have looked up the playing times; and going to the movies is fun with me because I always bring a knapsack of yummy treats. I'm fun to be around and I always put in an effort and for once, I want the same. I'm super turned off by guys who obviously put in the bare minimum effort. And I don't go around calling anyone "amazing" without showing with my actions that I really do think so. Frankly I would never call anyone amazing upon just knowing them a brief time.

 

I guess I could have prevented all this by saying, "Let's touch base on Monday night and set a plan." Then my expectations could have been met and that would have been that. Lesson learned.