Want to see if a friend (former crush!) wants to get dinner

[HansonGirl]

Hello, I wasn't sure where to post this question. Because I don't really consider this a "date" - but it involves someone I was interested in before, and a member of the opposite sex, so that's why i put it here. I'm not trying to be BFFs either.

 

So I'll be in this guy "Paul"'s town soon, and I really want to try this one restaurant. I am determined to go there regardless of whether Paul wants to go there, and I am totally fine if he doesn't want to go. But I was thinking about asking if him if he'd like to go there, so we can catch up. I'd like to catch up with him and see what's up with him. However, I am very reluctant to contact him because I do not want him to think i am asking him out. I am VERY bad at this because it seems like almost every time i have, the person i think got the wrong impression. One time it was an ex-boyfriend who was visiting my city about a year after we broke up and i had moved - I merely thought we could grab coffee. Another time, it was a guy i had liked, but also considered a friend, before i moved and he had told me he was going to meet me out but ended up standing me up. I felt terrible and humiliated because by then I had no longer liked him in that way and I moved half-way across the country. I just didn't understand why someone would do that-especially a guy i knew and trusted.

So the thing is, because of these experiences, I am inclined to not contact Paul at all and just go to the restaurant without him. I am not going to be in his city to see him, so I think I should just forget it because it's not worth the hassle. However, my friend is telling me I ought to contact him at least, and at just see what he says, and I am like, ugh no, it's not worth the trouble. I'd be too stressed out worrying that he's getting the wrong impression. I'd be willing to do that however, if i can make clear that I am not trying to ask him out on a date or have romantic intentions. it's not that I don't LIKE him or think he's handsome - I do, but I don't have any intentions or expectations like that. I am more interested in trying this restaurant than i am in seeing him.

 

If there IS a way to do it, i don't mind messaging him asking. However, part of me is nervous that he'll say yes, and then will stand me up or something, and be all smug, thinking I want him. Just like my past experiences.

[Mjm1014]

The way I see it you have only two options.

 

 

1. Don't ask him out-he obviously won't know to join you, and you'll always wonder "what if" your former crush would have met you.

 

2. Ask him out, he goes out with you, and it changes your life.

 

What do you have to lose? All he can say is no? Plus who cares, you're just asking him out; which isn't a bad thing to do so I don't see the issue. Life is all about chances....live!

[introverted1]

Hello, I wasn't sure where to post this question. Because I don't really consider this a "date" - but it involves someone I was interested in before, and a member of the opposite sex, so that's why i put it here. I'm not trying to be BFFs either.

 

So I'll be in this guy "Paul"'s town soon, and I really want to try this one restaurant. I am determined to go there regardless of whether Paul wants to go there, and I am totally fine if he doesn't want to go. But I was thinking about asking if him if he'd like to go there, so we can catch up. I'd like to catch up with him and see what's up with him. However, I am very reluctant to contact him because I do not want him to think i am asking him out. I am VERY bad at this because it seems like almost every time i have, the person i think got the wrong impression. One time it was an ex-boyfriend who was visiting my city about a year after we broke up and i had moved - I merely thought we could grab coffee. Another time, it was a guy i had liked, but also considered a friend, before i moved and he had told me he was going to meet me out but ended up standing me up. I felt terrible and humiliated because by then I had no longer liked him in that way and I moved half-way across the country. I just didn't understand why someone would do that-especially a guy i knew and trusted.

So the thing is, because of these experiences, I am inclined to not contact Paul at all and just go to the restaurant without him. I am not going to be in his city to see him, so I think I should just forget it because it's not worth the hassle. However, my friend is telling me I ought to contact him at least, and at just see what he says, and I am like, ugh no, it's not worth the trouble. I'd be too stressed out worrying that he's getting the wrong impression. I'd be willing to do that however, if i can make clear that I am not trying to ask him out on a date or have romantic intentions. it's not that I don't LIKE him or think he's handsome - I do, but I don't have any intentions or expectations like that. I am more interested in trying this restaurant than i am in seeing him.

 

If there IS a way to do it, i don't mind messaging him asking. However, part of me is nervous that he'll say yes, and then will stand me up or something, and be all smug, thinking I want him. Just like my past experiences.

 

The bit in bold is odd to me. It sounds as though you think Paul would agree to meet you just to have the pleasure of being able to stand you up. If he's the type of guy who would do that, then don't bother asking him to dinner.

 

But if this is coming from your own fears, then I think it's something worth exploring. Going into a situation and expecting the worst from the other party is the type of thing that can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. At best, it is a super jaded view of the world.

[HansonGirl]

The bit in bold is odd to me. It sounds as though you think Paul would agree to meet you just to have the pleasure of being able to stand you up. If he's the type of guy who would do that, then don't bother asking him to dinner.

 

But if this is coming from your own fears, then I think it's something worth exploring. Going into a situation and expecting the worst from the other party is the type of thing that can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. At best, it is a super jaded view of the world.

 

You are absolutely right.on both things, but there is nothing "odd" about my fears .

 

First. I dont actually think he is that type . I just had it happen to me . I don't think anybody would say yes just to stand someone up . I believe they'd say yes "to be nice " or because they don't know how to say no .Then when the time comes they dont consider the other persons feelings and just don't show up .

 

I'm telling you. I have been stood up before .To make the situation worse he didn't seem to care that it really hurt my feelings . I did not expect it from that guy either . So now I don't know what to expect from anybody . I also have a male friend who was ditched at the last minute before a trip that he already paid for where she was going to be his wedding date. He ended up going alone. No disrespect to my friend but he isn't very attractive. I recall a mutual friend who he liked who found him repulsive. You could tell and she started being rude to him and made fun of him when he wasn't around.

When I got stood up, I wondered if I was his female equivalent . And that when I show interest in a guy the guy is repulsed or doesn't deem me worthy of common courtesy. Perhaps might even find it hilarious to humiliate me .

 

I also do worry it might become a self fulfilling prophesy but I am just telling you my own personal experience .

I also seem to attract those types I guess.

 

So what can I do regarding this friend other than "explore" my "jaded " view of the world? Any actual advice ?

[Cinnamonstix]

Until you are ready to face the possibility of rejection with a positive mindset and not let it completely unravel your self-esteem, you are not ready to be putting yourself out there. You need to work on yourself. We all face setbacks in life. Sometimes things don't work out. However, it's the beliefs we form about them that make the difference, and we often attract what we put out.

 

If you liked this guy before, why hasn't anything happened between you two yet?

[HansonGirl]

Until you are ready to face the possibility of rejection with a positive mindset and not let it completely unravel your self-esteem, you are not ready to be putting yourself out there. You need to work on yourself. We all face setbacks in life. Sometimes things don't work out. However, it's the beliefs we form about them that make the difference, and we often attract what we put out.

 

If you liked this guy before, why hasn't anything happened between you two yet?

 

Thank you

 

i actually--despite my catastrophizing and neurotic ways--think based on stuff that HAS happened to me, which is way more extreme than most people, I have survived that. I disagree with your approach of "you are not ready to be putting yourself out there." To not put onenself out there, would make it harder and harder to put themselves out there in the future. One can "work on [themself]" until they are blue in the face, but if they do not expose themself to potential rejection, they'd be more devastated when it does happen. When Your approach encourages being sheltered. I think MORE exposure is better.

 

Why hasn't anything "happened" with this guy? Probably because i never showed any interested in him in that way and neither did he - we were friends, and he viewed me as a friend. he has invited me to things as friends. but we've never gone to dinner together, just the two of us, which is like "date-like", so that's why i am afraid of this being misconstrued.

 

Basically i am looking for the best way to phrase my message to him to ensure that it doesn't get misconstrued, because in the past, i have clearly done it wrong and freaked the guy out! (i.e. my ex-boyfriend and the other guy). I have no problem with him saying NO, but i also don't want him to get the wrong idea and feel awkward around me (there is a chance i could be moving to a city near his and will probably see him again in social settings).

Edited April 21, 2016 by HansonGirl

[truth_seeker]

OP, I've been played, rejected, insulted, stood up, led on, etc, etc, etc... yet, I'm still alive and have managed to get on with my life.

 

Life is about experiences: both good and bad.

 

If you don't feel comfortable asking this guy out, then that's your gut warning you that something is not right. As far as, the "what if" possibility... this only applies if you like this guy and want something romantic to happen with him. If you're not into him, then you're not missing out on much. A simple email asking how he's doing works just fine. You were in the city, didn't have time to get in touch but wanted to know what he's been up to... something like that says you're just interested in knowing what he's up to and nothing more. If it were more, you would have made a point to see him in person.

[truth_seeker]

To Add: asking him to dinner would imply you testing the waters. That's how I would take it.

[HansonGirl]

OP, I've been played, rejected, insulted, stood up, led on, etc, etc, etc... yet, I'm still alive and have managed to get on with my life.

 

Life is about experiences: both good and bad.

 

Me too!! I just don't like potentially awkward situations because someone misconstrued something - but i feel sad about missing out on what could be a nice, friendly meeting with someone because of that if i had no ulterior motives. (i.e., coffee with my ex)

 

If you don't feel comfortable asking this guy out, then that's your gut warning you that something is not right. As far as, the "what if" possibility... this only applies if you like this guy and want something romantic to happen with him. If you're not into him, then you're not missing out on much. A simple email asking how he's doing works just fine. You were in the city, didn't have time to get in touch but wanted to know what he's been up to... something like that says you're just interested in knowing what he's up to and nothing more. If it were more, you would have made a point to see him in person.

 

yeah i think that's it. it really IS my gut feeling. i feel like the idea is stressing me out too much, and all i want to do is try this awesome restaurant - i am more concerned with that than i am with him - i really REALLY like your idea! I think i will do that after i get home.

 

I still am curious about let's say i do decide to just wing it and ask him, how precisely would one word it to ensure it comes off like a friend, not asking him out on a date? I suck at this sort of thing - for some reason every guy thinks i like him. ugh. well not EVERY guy, but sometimes i've been surpised that someone thought i liked him - i honestly don't know what I am doing wrong. happened in college with my study buddy, who i never viewed like that, but he started avoiding me, because he interpreted me wanting to study with him as me liking him I guess

 

the fact that i used to like this present guy is unique in this case - but i am specifcally talking about people i wasn't interested in. I actually am more on the asexual side most of the time - i am not trying to flirt or get with every guy i come across- i am way too particular for that- but if i like someone i like them. if i stop liking them, i've stopped liking them.

[HansonGirl]

To Add: asking him to dinner would imply you testing the waters. That's how I would take it.

 

ok thank you - in that case, i think i will not ask him - it really is my gut feeling- i frankly don't know how to do it without looking like i'm pursuing him. other people do it it seems - i always see girls and guys going out together platonically, and frankly i dont know how they do it! guys always get freaked out by me. lol

[Cinnamonstix]

I disagree with your approach of "you are not ready to be putting yourself out there." To not put onenself out there, would make it harder and harder to put themselves out there in the future. One can "work on [themself]" until they are blue in the face, but if they do not expose themself to potential rejection, they'd be more devastated when it does happen. When Your approach encourages being sheltered. I think MORE exposure is better.

 

I didn't say you should never put yourself out there. I agree exposure is good - IF you are ready. But if you are going to take each rejection and expect the same result the next time (one man stood you up so now others likely will too), you WILL be rejected. Insecurity leads to unattractive behaviours which leads to rejection.

 

So if you think you're ready, go ahead and ask him to hang out. But going to dinner does sound pretty date-like, and if this guy only saw you as a friend before, he's likely not to have changed his mind.

[HansonGirl]

Update -

 

I didn't end up contacting him. I know if I did, i'd probably be feeling stressed about it, whereas, instead, I am feeling relaxed!

[preraph]

Why not ask a handful of friends and then casually mention you and friends are trying this new restaurant while he's in town and what time and where and he's welcome to join.

[HansonGirl]

Why not ask a handful of friends and then casually mention you and friends are trying this new restaurant while he's in town and what time and where and he's welcome to join.

 

That is an EXCELLENT idea if I knew more people around here! But i decided to just forget it. Maybe another time! I think more time needs to pass from when i informed him of my crush on him, too.

[smackie9]

Just be honest and say it's not a date. That would settle it.