Tinder girl doesn't understand why having a sexual partner while talking to me is bad

[PegNosePete]

she could have very well had another date lined up the next night with some guy who lives down the block from her, they too have been chatting for a few days, they go out and hit if off and end up sleeping together because it felt "right" in that moment.

 

Happens ALL the time.

 

What's the difference?

There is no difference. If she did that, I would also not want to see her again (or at all, if we hadn't met yet).

 

I don't want to date someone who has sex with other guys. For you, it's not an issue. We're different. Neither of us is "wrong". Just different views.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There is no difference. If she did that, I would also not want to see her again (or at all, if we hadn't met yet).

 

I don't want to date someone who has sex with other guys. For you, it's not an issue. We're different. Neither of us is "wrong". Just different views.

 

In most cases you'd never really know if someone you like and casually dating is sleeping with other people unless they tell you.

 

 

So are you telling me that you wouldn't even consider a woman a viable option even in the very initiate stages of getting to know each other if there's a chance she might be sleeping with other men?? Do you expect her to stop dating all together before you become exclusive??

 

I mean, I completely get the idea of wanting to be monogamous when you've reached that point where you both want to work towards making a go of it but to ask that of someone so early on seems a bit of a tall order not to mention a demanding one.

 

I also think this is a bit of a double standard.

[smackie9]

How to convince her other wise???? You don't. You say thanks but no thanks....move on.

[PegNosePete]

In most cases you'd never really know if someone you like and casually dating is sleeping with other people unless they tell you.

Unless I had, say, a conversation about whether she multi-dates and what her values are regarding sleeping with others whilst dating, early on. Which I would do. Of course if she lied then I'd never know. But as soon as I found out she had lied, it would be goodbye.

 

So are you telling me that you wouldn't even consider a woman a viable option even in the very initiate stages of getting to know each other if there's a chance she might be sleeping with other men??

I wouldn't base our continued dating on "a chance". I would have a conversation as mentioned above. And if I found out she was or would sleep with others, then no, I would not consider her an option.

 

Do you expect her to stop dating all together before you become exclusive??

I would expect exclusivity from date 1 or 2 at the most. What can I say, I am British.

 

to ask that of someone so early on seems a bit of a tall order not to mention a demanding one.

Not really. I've met plenty of women who feel likewise including my partner.

 

I also think this is a bit of a double standard.

Where is the double standard? I practice exactly what I preach, thankyouverymuch.

 

I'm not really sure why you're having such a problem with this. I don't multi-date, and I expect my dates not to either. That's my stance and that's worked for me for 41 years. Your view is different, and that's worked for you for X years. They're both valid viewpoints, and both valid strategies of finding a compatible partner. Just different.

[ASG]

 

 

I would expect exclusivity from date 1 or 2 at the most. What can I say, I am British.

 

 

 

We're talking about OLD here. How do you expect or even WANT exclusivity on the 1st or second date????

 

And it's not a british thing. I've dated many british guys and that is not a thing! :lmao:

[PegNosePete]

We're talking about OLD here. How do you expect or even WANT exclusivity on the 1st or second date????

After the first date, or certainly by the second, I know whether I want to see someone again. And if I do, then I don't date others until I know how it's going to go with this one. And I expect the same in return.

 

I've found that my opinion is shared by most people I've met, although since I've been reading this forum I've found that most people across the pond subscribe to a rather different "multi dating" culture. I understand that but I simply don't share it. Although it is becoming more popular on this side of the Atlantic now, too.

[Toodaloo]

We're talking about OLD here. How do you expect or even WANT exclusivity on the 1st or second date????

 

And it's not a british thing. I've dated many british guys and that is not a thing! :lmao:

 

It does seem more prevalent in Britain that people do not multi date anywhere near as much as the US.

 

I have found that only a very small number of the men I have spoken to about it are open to it. Equally the women are less open to it as well.

 

Most tend to know by date 2 or 3 and all others drop off naturally at that point. I don't know that many who do multi date and find is a success over here.

 

I am afraid I am with Pete on this. If its gone as far as 3 dates and I am still open to seeing others its a sure fire thing that I am not all that interested in them anyway.

[Versacehottie]

Red Flag Alert*****

 

it's all problematic. You are telling her not to have contact with someone before you've even met. And she is telling you about guys she is in contact with for FWB, etc while feigning a relationship with you.

 

Red Flag Alert*****

[Ruby Slippers]

Lol at taking a girl out on dates while she's banging another dude.

Srsly. She's not relationship material. Move on.

[ASG]

It does seem more prevalent in Britain that people do not multi date anywhere near as much as the US.

 

I have found that only a very small number of the men I have spoken to about it are open to it. Equally the women are less open to it as well.

 

Most tend to know by date 2 or 3 and all others drop off naturally at that point. I don't know that many who do multi date and find is a success over here.

 

I am afraid I am with Pete on this. If its gone as far as 3 dates and I am still open to seeing others its a sure fire thing that I am not all that interested in them anyway.

 

Oh, I do agree to some extent. I find that usually, by date 3 or so, others tend to naturally be dropped off.

 

I don't actually multidate. But I do tend to have FWBs. And I don't drop them until there is a reasonable conversation about where things are going. I might, however, not endeavour to meet up with them.

 

I equate exclusivity to a relationship. a couple of dates is too early, for me, to establish that. That doesn't mean, however, that I AM actively dating other people, if it makes sense.

 

I mean... my main FWB and I are NOT exclusive and I've still only slept with another FWB, a couple of times, during the whole time we've been sleeping together, which is about a year and a half, on and off.

 

When my ex and I started dating, we were very clear we were NOT exclusive at the beginning. About a month in, we made things official. But the truth is, neither of us was seeing anyone else during that month where we were just "seeing each other"

[mortensorchid]

We haven't met because she lives about 50 miles away but she considers me a romantic partner by now.

 

You cannot be serious! She has a FWB for years, you demanded that she end it with him, she does and you two have never met face to face but consider yourselves to be bf/gf?! This is a fantasy relationship!

[PegNosePete]

I equate exclusivity to a relationship. a couple of dates is too early, for me, to establish that. That doesn't mean, however, that I AM actively dating other people, if it makes sense.

No, that doesn't make sense to me.

 

You are either dating/sexing others, or you aren't.

 

If you aren't, then you're exclusively dating one person, whether you've had a conversation or not, declared your exclusivity or not, got down on one knee and pledged your undying exclusivity or not. It is what it is, no matter what labels you have or haven't put on it.

[preraph]

Remember you're on Tinder, which began as nothing but a hookup site for people just looking for sex. Apparently she's keeping with the tradition.

[LostOnes05]

I think you should stop talking to her. If she is open to dating someone, why keep an orbiter FWB around. And she sounds like one of those people that will guilt you into doing what they want by saying you're selfish.

[central]

IMO, she was right and you are wrong. Until you date and decide to be exclusive, she does not owe you any exclusivity. She did not even need to tell you that she has a FWB. You could not hit it off after meeting, and she'd go right back to her FWB. I think the time to end a FWB is when you either become exclusive with someone else, or start having sex with the new dating partner.

[Woggle]

You have your standards and you have the right to have them. Let nobody else tell you otherwise.

[RecentChange]

Hahahaha give up a good FWB for a guy that you haven't even met in flesh and blood!?

 

Give her such a wild night of passion that she couldn't even consider lusting after someone else - then maybe (maybe!) She will wait around for a guy 50 miles away for sexual encounters.

 

But even if you did meet, and hit it off - dont be surprised if the FWB thing doesn't end - how often could you conceivably see each other?

[LoveRefreshed]

Well, for me, when does it matter? Certainly not before meeting.

 

I'd say that if I went out on a couple dates (3-5) and I liked her- I'd tell her that I'm not really comfortable moving towards a relationship that wasn't monogamous and see how she fields that answer.

 

If she is not willing to be monogamous, she is either my new fwb or nothing. I wouldn't date someone seriously who refused to give up another sexual partner when I told them I wanted something more than a casual thing. Best part about it, is you've already done the hard part and told her! Now you can feel free to do what you want.

 

However, you're not even close to that. You're not even talking face to face yet, who cares if she's got her face buried in another mans ballsack?