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Tinder girl doesn't understand why having a sexual partner while talking to me is bad

Dread

By Dread
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Dread New Member

Dread

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Hi all. So I recently started talking to this girl I met on Tinder and we've absolutely hit it off. She's beautiful, thoughtful, and most of all, very intelligent. One big problem has come up so far. She's had a bit of a FWB for a few years on and off. I told her that this is unacceptable while she's open to dating me and that I would break things off if she didn't leave him. She eventually gave in but now she says she doesn't see me in the same way she did before and that I'm selfish. How can I try to convince her to see it my way?

Gemma1 Established Member

Gemma1

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Have you even met this girl in person?

 

You have no right to demand exclusivity from her when you guys aren't even officially dating yet. Although I can't imagine why she told you about the FWB, you're still in the wrong here.

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Dread New Member

Dread

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We haven't met because she lives about 50 miles away but she considers me a romantic partner by now.

SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

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You're joking, right?

 

Go ahead and "break it off" with her. See if she misses what she never had.

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Dread New Member

Dread

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Well she obviously values me over this guy if she's willing to end that even though we've known each other for about a week. How is it appropriate to be in a relationship with someone if they're ****ing someone else?

 

Edit: Maybe I didn't describe our relationship clearly enough in the OP. We talk for hours daily and she deleted any sort of dating app/profile.

Edited by Dread
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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You mean she obviously valued you (past tense) until she told you that she doesn't see you the same way as she did before and that you're selfish.

 

How can you possibly compete with a guy who bangs her in person, without strings attached and has done so for years? What relationship? You're a new pen pal with conditions, and he's a real-life flesh-n-blood lover.

 

Give it up. Get somebody local.

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Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

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Her breaking up with a guy she has broken up many times in the past is not a big deal. She probably would have broken up with him even if you weren't in the picture. When she gets the itch you can't scratch, she will get back with him again - but you can feel good about those conversations you are having with her. She may even be texting you at the same time she is banging the FWB... he feeds her body, you feed her mind. Oh wait, she now says she doesn't even think of you in the same way that she did before... and which way is that considering you have never touched her body? You need to end whatever the h-ell you have with her and delete Tinder from your device. It's nothing but bad news...

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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You have never met her.

 

You have no relationship with her, beyond texting. That is not a relationship or dating.

 

Sorry, but you're in the wrong on this one.

 

You probably shouldn't be on Tinder either. You understand Tinder's primary function, no?

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giblesp Established Member

giblesp

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Hi all. So I recently started talking to this girl I met on Tinder and we've absolutely hit it off. She's beautiful, thoughtful, and most of all, very intelligent. One big problem has come up so far. She's had a bit of a FWB for a few years on and off. I told her that this is unacceptable while she's open to dating me and that I would break things off if she didn't leave him. She eventually gave in but now she says she doesn't see me in the same way she did before and that I'm selfish. How can I try to convince her to see it my way?

 

You cant convince her of anything and you shouldn't have to. If she's not giving you the deal your looking for, walk away.

 

Don't hook up online, its not real and leads to many misunderstandings.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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You shouldn't try to convince her of anything. If she doesn't share your values, then end it. After all, compatible values are the foundations of a good relationship

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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That's ridiculous; you are not somebody's romantic partner if you have never met them in person.

 

 

Your expectation that she stop dating others before even meeting you is not right. You can demand exclusivity after you meet but not before.

 

 

Her mistake was disclosing the intimacies of her FWB situation to you without having gone on a date with you. The better option would have been she dates you, she slows things with FWB (because good ones demand a fade when somebody gets a new relationship), she never discusses those details with you, then if all else goes well you two become exclusive.

 

 

People have no boundaries any more. They overshare everything.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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But Dread does have a point, why has she placed herself in the dating arena if she has an ongoing FWB and is obviously upset at the thought of ending it with the other man.

Kudos to her for telling him, she could have hid it, but how many men want to date women with an ongoing FWB on the side?

 

(Tinder is now also a dating site not just hook up central.)

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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But Dread does have a point, why has she placed herself in the dating arena if she has an ongoing FWB and is obviously upset at the thought of ending it with the other man.

Kudos to her for telling him, she could have hid it, but how many men want to date women with an ongoing FWB on the side?

 

(Tinder is now also a dating site not just hook up central.)

 

 

To me a FWB is somebody you do BETWEEN relationships. Its a person you like well enough but don't want to date.

 

 

If someone has feelings for their FWB then you're right Elaine567, they have no business trying to date others until they get over the FWB, which won't happen while benefits continue.

 

 

An FWB is more like a vibrator with arms, & should have about the same emotional involvement. Anything more & it's something deeper, beyond pure sex. Since there would be no reason to share with a potential partner that you masturbated last night (unless that was part of some foreplay), this discussion never should have happened.

 

 

For the woman here to mention it I suppose the OP is better off because he now has info that the women is emotionally invested in her FWB. In that sense, he is right to be cautious about getting involved. But in the purest sense of what an FWB is (or IMO should be), it automatically goes away once an exclusive relationship begins to develop.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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why has she placed herself in the dating arena if she has an ongoing FWB and is obviously upset at the thought of ending it with the other man.

Because she wants to.

 

We would mostly all agree that not many guys would like that, or be willing to meet someone who behaves like that. And I'm sure it would be the same if the genders were reversed. But she is not the one asking for advice here. If what she's doing works for her, good luck to her (she will probably need it).

 

Advice to the OP is that you shouldn't be trying to change people you've never met. If you don't like her life choices, simply move on to the next.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Forget the online nonsense.

 

There are real females all around you that you could date.

 

Thats where you'll find your happiness.

 

 

Take care.

ASG Established Member

ASG

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That's ridiculous; you are not somebody's romantic partner if you have never met them in person.

 

 

Your expectation that she stop dating others before even meeting you is not right. You can demand exclusivity after you meet but not before.

 

 

Her mistake was disclosing the intimacies of her FWB situation to you without having gone on a date with you. The better option would have been she dates you, she slows things with FWB (because good ones demand a fade when somebody gets a new relationship), she never discusses those details with you, then if all else goes well you two become exclusive.

 

 

People have no boundaries any more. They overshare everything.

 

100% this!!! I honestly don't understand why she disclosed that information...

 

But Dread does have a point, why has she placed herself in the dating arena if she has an ongoing FWB and is obviously upset at the thought of ending it with the other man.

Kudos to her for telling him, she could have hid it, but how many men want to date women with an ongoing FWB on the side?

 

(Tinder is now also a dating site not just hook up central.)

 

Because she wants a relationship? She might be upset at breaking it off with the FWB because she's only been talking to OP for A WEEK and they haven't even met yet.

I would not be breaking things off with my FWBs if I was in her situation!

 

On the other hand, I wouldn't have told a guy I've just started talking to that I have a FWB.

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Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

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Sorry but I fail to understand the issue as you have described it.

 

I'm a woman who has thrown herself back in the dating pool but I too have a FWB now. I'm not sure I understand what the problem is? I would like a monogamous relationship but I'm also a sexual being. Until I find that special someone with whom I feel I can move in that direction, all bets are off.

 

I mean, if I was actively accepting dates and going out with multiple men at the same time and sleeping with some of them, would that make the OP feel better? What if I enjoyed going for drinks at my local pub on weekends and have been known to take home a stranger, would that be more acceptable?

 

What's the real issue here OP? Are you feeling threatened that it's with someone she has a long standing arrangement with or is it the fact that she's a woman with an active sex life?

 

Speaking as a woman with a FWB, I would absolutely refrain from engaging with my "friend" if and when I'm seriously courting someone. In the meantime, it's none of anyone's business.

 

And for the love of God it's only been a week of TALKING!!! I don't care how strong you think your chemistry is. Until you've been face to face and say the words "exclusive", you have no right to tell her what to do just as she has no right to tell you.

 

End of rant.

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Revolver Established Member

Revolver

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Lol at taking a girl out on dates while she's banging another dude.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Because she wants a relationship?

I would not be breaking things off with my FWBs if I was in her situation!

 

On the other hand, I wouldn't have told a guy I've just started talking to that I have a FWB.

 

 

If she does truly want a relationship, why is she dangling the FWB in front of his face, then getting upset when he tells her he can't live with that?

GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

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But Dread does have a point, why has she placed herself in the dating arena if she has an ongoing FWB and is obviously upset at the thought of ending it with the other man.

 

 

Just because she's in the dating arena doesn't mean she's close to finding someone. She could be online dating for a couple of years before the point she needs to start thinking about being exclusive with someone.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I'm a woman who has thrown herself back in the dating pool but I too have a FWB now. I'm not sure I understand what the problem is?

The problem is quite simple. His opinion on this matter differs from yours. There is nothing wrong with either of your viewpoints... yours is "I'll do what I want until we're exclusive" and his is "I don't want to date a woman who is having sex with others". There's nothing fundamentally wrong with either viewpoint, they're just different, and mutually exclusive.

 

Until you've been face to face and say the words "exclusive", you have no right to tell her what to do just as she has no right to tell you.

Absolutely, but it's good to find out these deal breakers sooner rather than later. If he has all the facts then he can choose whether to date her knowing that she might be going home to have sex her FWB right after the date with him. Personally I would choose not to. I wouldn't try to change her, I would just say we have incompatible values, good luck finding someone suitable.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I thought Tinder was a hook up site. OP, why are you trying to get serious with her?

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I thought Tinder was a hook up site. OP, why are you trying to get serious with her?

 

Tinder is no longer just a hook up site.

ASG Established Member

ASG

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I thought Tinder was a hook up site. OP, why are you trying to get serious with her?

 

It's not... I mean, it can be! But it doesn't have to be. I know people who have started dating seriously who met on tinder.

Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

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The problem is quite simple. His opinion on this matter differs from yours. There is nothing wrong with either of your viewpoints... yours is "I'll do what I want until we're exclusive" and his is "I don't want to date a woman who is having sex with others". There's nothing fundamentally wrong with either viewpoint, they're just different, and mutually exclusive.

 

 

Absolutely, but it's good to find out these deal breakers sooner rather than later. If he has all the facts then he can choose whether to date her knowing that she might be going home to have sex her FWB right after the date with him. Personally I would choose not to. I wouldn't try to change her, I would just say we have incompatible values, good luck finding someone suitable.

 

I agree completely about deal breakers and the sooner couple's discuss this the better.

 

 

As far as the rest of this goes, I think this is kind of twisted logic if you ask me.

 

I mean, she could have very well had another date lined up the next night with some guy who lives down the block from her, they too have been chatting for a few days, they go out and hit if off and end up sleeping together because it felt "right" in that moment.

 

Happens ALL the time.

 

What's the difference?

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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