nadroj Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Quick briefer: The girl who was my first love and the one whom I thought I would spend my life with broke up with me in October 2015. I spent awhile recovering from that devastation and eventually (maybe too quickly?) got back into the dating game. I have been dating my current girlfriend for 4 months and things have been great. She is genuine in her feelings, makes time for me, and just, in general, is a really good fit. Like, our personalities match great. I, and I'm not afraid to say it, love her. At the same time, I still catch myself thinking about my ex/first true love. Is this normal? What should I do? I love my current girlfriend, but once every few months, my ex consumes my thoughts and I know that's ****ty. And the thing is, my ex treated me ****ty. She didn't spend much time with me, didn't reciprocate certain feelings, and, in general, probably wasn't a good fit. However, I still think of her from time to time.
Zapbasket Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Given your timeline, it doesn't sound like you spent much if any time on your own, recovering from your breakup. You were in a new relationship two months later, from the sound of it, and those intervening two months is hardly enough time to heal from heartbreak or process any of what that relationship meant to you. It's no wonder you find yourself thinking of your ex--and no wonder that you would be thinking of her even though she treated you badly: for better or worse, she was a significant influence in your life and you parted ways not very long ago. Since you do love your girlfriend, and you guys feel like a good fit, maybe tell her some of what you have said here. If she's receptive, tell her a little of what kinds of thoughts you have about your ex and maybe she can be a help. Be sure to filter some of what you feel and think so that you don't make your gf feel insecure. She might just be a great support to you in this, to help you get over those last bumps of grief over the ended relationship so that you can be fully in your current one. Good luck. 1
Buddhist Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 While I agree that you did not really spend much time alone processing I don't agree you should bring any of this up with your current GF unless of course you want to find yourself single very soon. I think it's actually bad form to ask your current partner to therapise you over your previous relationships. It's not going to bring you together, it's going to create a wedge between you. And of course relationship partners are not here to be our therapist. They are too close to the situation, they have emotional investment in what you are telling them and it's all too easy for any comment, no matter how you meant it, to sound like something else to her ears. If you love your current GF you will not tell her this and instead go and find a therapist to bleed your emotional baggage to. 3
Versacehottie Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 I think it's on the surface very simple. When someone breaks up with you, the ego is involved. I don't mean that in a negative way. But it does crush the ego, no matter who you are. So the ego wants itself fixed and puffed back up. Logically it thinks the resolution to that is "fixing" things with the ex or being able to logically figure out what went wrong and that it wasn't "you". If you know this and can acknowledge that is the reason you are having thoughts about your ex, it should help them to subside a bit. Beyond that you need to be really grateful for your new girl and make new memories and special moments with her that will supercede thoughts of the past. I pretty much agree that you should not share specifics about how you are feeling with your new gf. As was said, she is not meant to be your therapist. I do think it's really detrimental to your relationship with her to do that. That said, I think you can allude to some explanation of holding back because you need some time and not go into detail too much (I am explaining it terribly) but that is your very real situation and that way you can be on the same page at the same time. I wouldn't expect her to put up with this forever and she then may want specifics. Even if she says she does--do not use her as your therapist as tempting as it may be. Good luck.
Larryville Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Dating the “right girl”, still thinking of the past... And what exactly is the “right girl” she was/is simply “an available alternative” The girl who was my first love and the one whom I thought I would spend my life broke up with me in October 2015 (maybe too quickly?) got back into the dating game. I have been dating my current girlfriend for 4 months and things have been great. There is that line again... She is genuine in her feelings, makes time for me, and just, in general, is a really good fit. Like, our personalities match great. I, and I'm not afraid to say it, love her. At the same time, I still catch myself thinking about my ex/first true love. Is this normal? No it is not normal and I think your perception of what of LOVE is seriously distorted. Unbelievable how much this keeps cropping up. Too bad there isn’t a “Love School” Such an important human aspect yet folks are extraordinarily clueless about its true meaning. Why do I say this? You were in a new relationship two months later… It’s called a rebound. Since you do love your girlfriend… Does he? He posted this thread… If you love your current GF you will not tell her this and instead go and find a therapist to bleed your emotional baggage to. Thank you! Follow these instructions and get some perspective so you don't waste the time, feelings and effort of the girl you are currently with. SHE deserves better!
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