I don't know , I just need to fix it. I'm ill-equipped.

[WiltedOrchid]

This might be dramatic. This may be triggering. This will be long...

 

I feel like to best understand my current situation and get a better insight to my probelm, I need to first say a little about myself. I haven't had the easiest go of things in terms of love, sex, or men in general. I am NOT trolling, everything I will say is true. I am NOT looking for attention , or have anybody feel sorry for me, I am simply lost and desperate and am looking for the best possible advice I can get....

 

So my name is Leighton, and I am a 30 year old (in July) single, stay at home mother from Canada. I am generally a very bubbly, caring, excitable girl. Very loving and nurturing, my heart is my best feature. Inside, I am exceptionally broken. I do not trust, I have a VERY hard time being open with people, showing vulnerability, crying, or just being super emotional in general... I am very strong, and very tough to the outside world, despite my perky nature. Inside, I am an absolute mess. I am a very broken person. I get a lot of attention from men, and am precieved as "attractive" due to my generally sexy feautures/body type. I don't see what others see, but I will say that I hate being the sexy girl. "Always a Marilyn, never an Audrey..." I am a hopless romantic. Hopeless. And ever since I was a little girl the plan has been to meet that guy, fall in love, have sex, get married, have a family, and live happily ever after.... Unrealistic, of course. Just an example of my idealistic nature.

 

[Trigger warning]

 

Let's try and make this shortish- When I was 17 I lost my virginity to a particularly brutal rapist. I had to have much surgery, and was told without a doubt I would never be able to have children. Then I lost and ovary to boot. A year later when I was 18 (nearly 19), I was beat to within an inch of my life in the garage of a house party. A skinhead (on PCP) found me to be too mouthy for defending a friend, followed me when I was alone, and tried to kill me with a large metal file. 29 broken bones, blood transfusions, and much more surgery later, he had failed. When I was 19, I traveled to NYC for school. Something I had worked for, for many, many years. When I got there I was scared of everyone and everything and ended up hitching myself to a very large, very intimidating man who ended up being my roomate (along with 2 others at first) it was never anything romantic on my end -which he was fully aware- but he became very obsessive and possessive. I was essentially locked in the apartment 24/7, only "allowed" to leave for school, which he attended with me. During this time he encouraged (intimidated...) me to eat. A lot. He was obsessed with me gaining weight... it only took 7 months and I had gained 100+ lbs. I had finally found the courage to leave, and did, dropping out and going home... I developed a pretty hardcore eating disorder. Not eating anything for 29 days at a time (I thought I would die if I went 30) and working out 2-3 hours a day. Leaving me with a scarred, stretched, broken body, and a lifetime of an all consuming eating disorder and constant worry about my physical appearance. This has not, and probably will never go away. Everyday is a struggle. I met a man on my 22nd birthday. He was older (37), Australian, and very charming. We spent 2 days together, and I very much enjoyed him. He went back home, and we engaged in a 3 year relationship, 2 years of LD. In the first 2 years we had seen each other a total of maybe 12 weeks. He was VERY sexual, and VERY experienced.... I convinced myself that I loved him (I didn't) and moved to Australia, where I spent a year. I was scared and concerned when it came to sex. I told him that I often had fantasies of rape, and excessively rough sex, but that I did NOT want that. A therapist once told me that it wasn't uncommon for sexual assault victims to not be able to get off unless things were excessively violent. That's not what I wanted, and that's not who I am. He understood all of this and was very understanding and gentle for a few months. As time went on, he got rougher. More extreme. gradually until it got to the point where he was ignoring tears, blood, and words. He argued that he thought I was role playing, because despite my protests, my body was still very much responding. He sent me to the hospital twice with sex related injuries. I finally left just a few weeks shy of a year. Before I had gone away to Australia I had met another guy. A guy I felt a connection with that I never have before... not a romantic way, just as a person. We became VERY close. He wanted more, and I refused. I cared about him so much, I was not willing to ruin the friendship. I don't know if I believe in soulmates, but if there is such a thing, he was and still is, mine. Almost 2 years went by, and one day he wore me down. I decided to give it a shot as I cared about him more than I have ever cared about anybody. It was great for a while, but when it came to the future he said that he never wanted children, and didn't see the point in marriage. Both of which were very important to me. I knew it was the beginning of the decline. 1 year into our romantic relationship, we discovered that -yes- I was ****ing pregnant. I had felt something moving in my belly and went to the doctor. She thought I was crazy and that there was no way, but it turned out that not only WAS I pregnant, but I was 6 months along. I was a size 2, flat stomach, zero cravings or symptoms and had had my period for 5 of the 6 months. Regardless of being so far along for other measures, this baby was my miracle. I was having it, with or without him. He cried and begged and flipped, but ultimately stayed with me because he didn't want to lose me. I was SHOCKED at what a great, supportive, wonderful father he was during the 1st year of my sons life. Absolutely wonderful. At the time we were living with my parents and he was working at the grocery store. We needed to make a change for our family, so we moved away (to absolute hell on earth) he went to school to learn the big trade, and he started making very big money. We had left our friends and family and lives to life in this awful place to try and provide our son with a good life. As time went on, isolation set in, and stress became very real... things started to decline. He became emotionless and almost robotic. Completely shut off from me and his child. He become emotionally and mentally abusive due to the sheer stress of the life that he had never wanted. He saw us as burdens... and after 2 years, I left to come back home. For a while we hated each other, but our relationship is slowly getting back to the wonderful friendship we once had. He's a good dad, a wonderful provider and one of my favorite people. He's a wonderful guy with a lot of demons... what connected us initially I believe. Now that you have a better insight to my past, lets get to the present and my reason for being here...

 

So, in October of last year I met a man. He's Swedish and -yes- from Sweden. We met at a rock show. He's studying to be a geologist, and was here to look at schools. We have great geology programs here, and he is coming here in 1.5 years when school is over. This isn't an idea, it's his plan. We spent 40 minutes together, and I had an instant connection with him. That doesn't happen. Ever. I do not generally connect with men, and I know almost instantly whether or not I want to spend any time with them. It's not a man hating thing, it's just a fear thing... being uncomfortable for the most part. An intuition about what it would be like "hanging out" with this individual. So we hit it off... I felt myself flirting (not sure that's happened) and we exchanged numbers and he went on his way. Since then, we have been talking 24/7 for the past 7 months. Always on skype, if we're out, on the phone... even if we're busy and not talking to one another, skype is always on, we're always present. I am in love. Madly. Truly. I have NEVER felt this way in my entire life. We are so different, but it works... so well. He's Swedish. He's very stoic and strong, never stresses, never gets angry, is always calm and cool.... so very smart.... just intriguing. When we first met he came off a little bit cold to me... he said it was more or less just the Swedish culture. As time went on he became so LOVING and affectionate and sweet and romantic.... funny and thoughtful and caring. He makes me feel so safe and loved and protected from the other side of the world. I have never felt that before. And he loves that I'm opposite too... He loves that I'm so affectionate and passionate and nurturing. He loves to listen to me talk about nothing because he says he's obsessed with my brain. He makes me just talk forever about random topics. In turn he wakes up early every morning to read me to sleep... I find it so sweet and comforting... And together I think we compliment each other so well. He made me comfortable and open and vulnerable... no one has broken down those walls before. He was very much about devoting all the time he could to me, was sad if I wasn't around, waited for me like a puppy to wake up each morning... very devoted. 5 days ago he started doing a masters course. It's very intense and he's had to study a LOT. It just so happens, that when this started, my week got very, very bad.... (father had a stroke, issues with my son, broke my foot, etc) and I needed him... I tried my best to be supportive and give him what he needed, but I needed him too. We went from talking 24/7, to pretty much nothing. I understand he was busy, but it hurt a little bit that he knew I was going through a hard time and essentially just ignored me. Like... 10 minutes before bed time or something so we could have a talk, or a nice message or 2 throughout the day... just to know he's thinking about me, and I'm still important. I got insecure and paranoid and probably started to get a bit needy. I asked him if anything was wrong, that it felt like he was drifting, telling him I just wanted a bit more acknowledgment. I promise this wasn't a constant nagging, whining situation. I made a few comments, and ultimately apologized. He said that it would be 2 more years of schooling and it would only get rougher, and he said us being a part effected me more than him. That everything was ok on his end, but that it was stressful because he felt like everything he said was being dissected and judged and that he was almost being coerced into feeling exactly like me, and after a long day it was really hard to come home to. That he kept saying things were fine, but I wasn't believing it and he didn't know what to do. He came home, I asked if we were ok... he said if I could handle him doing these courses, then yes. I asked if he still loved and wanted me, he said yes. Day 2 he had to study all day.... we had an awkward conversation and I asked if he needed some space. He said yes, and again reassured me that he still wanted this... So, I disappeared for 3 days. I came back on day 5 and we had a short conversation, and then he just stopped talking to me. I sent him some messages -which I knew that he had read- and later on saw that he was online playing a game. Actively ignoring me. I went out and got very drunk, leaving him alone.... the next morning I woke up to a message. He said that he still has a lot of school to do, and that he's realizing that his heart just wasn't in it. That he should have been there for me, but he put his studies first. That if he's not prepared to give 100% then it's not going to work, and obviously he's not. "I'm sorry." And that was it. in 5 days it went from "I love you so much, I can't wait for our future, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I don't deserve you, iluiluiluilu" all day.... to nothing. And then he's over it. He's just done. And I know I could have been more understanding, but it takes 2, and I needed him too. Even just for a few minutes. I know that it's probably stress (which he doesn't know how to deal with) and frustration, but for him to just be so cold... and throw me away so easily.... destroys me. I've never felt like this. I've spent the past 5 days crying. stressed and worried and desperate.... And now I am utterly heartbroken. And I feel like when things slow down and he has time back that he'll miss me, but even if he does I feel that he'll just do the viking thing and just stand stall and be stoic, point his eyes forward and move on. I don't want to lose him. I don't know what I've done or if something else is going on or what to do. Please help me. Any small advice will help... I would never be here, or write all of this if I wasn't desperate... tell me how to make things right, how to get it back.... I don't know how to deal with love.

 

I'm sorry for writing so much, and if anyone takes the time to read this, thank you. Any insight that anyone can give me would help.....

Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Marco Valerio]

Hi,

 

I'm so devastated for what happend to you when you were a teenager. If this World is a fair one, you should get a partner to love you till the end of days. Sadly, I do not believe it is.

 

Regarding your main topic, I believe he stopped caring and loving you earlier than you've realized. Love is always expressed by actions and not by words.

 

You should never believe someone's words if their actions don't match up with them.

 

I'm one of those who believe that if a relationship is over, then it's time to move on. Noone should ever beg for love or to be loved.

 

i'm sending you all my love dear girl

[WiltedOrchid]

I just don't understand... there was zero indication anything was wrong or different until the day when things were just automatically different... It was like it was instant. Could you gather from what I said when it happened? Or are you just speaking in general...

 

this wasn't the response I was hoping for....

[WiltedOrchid]

I don't want it to be over... I don't want this feeling to continue. I feel so pathetic, but I can't handle it..

[WiltedOrchid]

I wish someone could give me some more insight.... This is so hard, and I feel so helpless. It's not getting easier at all, every day I wake up and it's just harder. I don't know what to do... I am NC, I'm keeping myself busy, I'm trying to focus my mind elsewhere, and it's just impossible... I just want him back. I want things to go back to being ok... Why did I have to **** things up. If I hadn't been needy, we'd still be together right now and everything would be ok...

[keiji]

I wish someone could give me some more insight.... This is so hard, and I feel so helpless. It's not getting easier at all, every day I wake up and it's just harder. I don't know what to do... I am NC, I'm keeping myself busy, I'm trying to focus my mind elsewhere, and it's just impossible... I just want him back. I want things to go back to being ok... Why did I have to **** things up. If I hadn't been needy, we'd still be together right now and everything would be ok...

 

It's very recent, WiltedOrchid. You haven't even started to accept the situation, so it's completely normal to feel despair. When my ex-g said goodbye for good I didn't leave the flat in 10 days. I couldn't eat, sleep or even think properly. I wasn't functioning. Saturday will be three months since I last saw her and I'm a completely different person. I have my ups and downs, but the latter are mild, to say the least. I'm sorry if I can only resort to cliches, but they're true: time will heal your wounds and that gaping hole you're feeling inside now will disappear in a few days/weeks.

 

Please, try to stay NC. It's hard, but it's the right path to get out of that dark place you're in now. You'll drop by in a couple of months to say you're doing so much better, believe me.

 

You've been through a lot and I'm sure this experience has stirred a lot of bad memories that lay dormant but are still there. This probably has more to do with yourself than him. Perhaps it's time to think about therapy. As my psychologist said once: "Knowing is healing". You'll be surprised at how certain experiences can turn you into a needy, insecure person. Try to connect the dots and do so with the help of a professional. It's not a defeat, quite the opposite. I almost died when I was a little kid due to medical malpractice, my parents were seriously ill when I was a baby, I had to live 1,000km away from them for six months, etc, etc, etc. I also have quite a history and I'm discovering how deeply this has affected my romantic relationships. Please try. There's nothing to lose.

 

Hugs!

[Zahara]

I just don't understand... there was zero indication anything was wrong or different until the day when things were just automatically different... It was like it was instant. Could you gather from what I said when it happened? Or are you just speaking in general...

 

this wasn't the response I was hoping for....

 

It wasn't instant. Dumpers process their feelings long before they end with you. During that time, they will continue to play the part as boyfriend/partner while grappling about their future with the dumpee. As things move further along, you may start to see signs or sometimes you won't -- and when they do come to a decision, it's sudden for you but it's not for them because they've silently been contemplating their next move.

 

I wish someone could give me some more insight.... This is so hard, and I feel so helpless. It's not getting easier at all, every day I wake up and it's just harder. I don't know what to do... I am NC, I'm keeping myself busy, I'm trying to focus my mind elsewhere, and it's just impossible... I just want him back. I want things to go back to being ok... Why did I have to **** things up. If I hadn't been needy, we'd still be together right now and everything would be ok...

 

You didn't mess things up. Don't sacrifice your wants/needs. You shouldn't have to tip toe around you partner just because you're afraid that what you desire may upset/anger him. And if asking for more contact sends him running the other way, then he's not for you. If he can't handle that little request, how do you think he'd manage living together and having to provide 100% emotionally and mentally to you and your child?

 

This is all very fresh for you. Stay NC. It's going to get better. Focus on your child and maybe stay away from dating/relationships for awhile. It would be good for you to see a professional and invest the time in healing yourself. You've been through a lot of pain in life and I think the best thing to do now is to look inward and begin focusing on yourself. Healing, not just from this man, but from your past.

[spartygirl95]

My heart breaks for you and all you've been through! No one should have to experience the trauma and violence you did as teenager. Our past definitely affects us but it does not define us. You are hurting and trying to mend this relationship. I pray you will take time to focus on yourself. I've found a lot healing through a great counselor. Here is an article that may offer some insight/suggestions. It also includes contact information that may be able to direct you to a good counselor. Hang in there! You sound like a strong gal, you've survived a lot and will continue to be a survivor!!

[WiltedOrchid]

It's been 16 days, and it still hurts so bad.... I want to talk to him so badly, I want to ask a million questions... I want to stop dreaming about it, as I've been doing almost every night for the past week.... my son asks to talk to him, and it breaks my heart. I wonder if he's moved on, if he even thinks of me. I sent him a parcel before all of this happened, which I'm sure he's gotten by now. Did he just throw it away? Did it make him think of me? What did he do with it? He certainly said nothing to me. I just want it to be over, and I want to stop thinking about him.

 

I feel like just giving up. Every guy I tend to have a relationship with turns out to be like this. I feel like an emotional cutter that just flocks to it all. I'm a 30 year old single mom. I feel like just giving up on love.