tamcat Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Butterfly, I am hardly one to give advice about how to save a marriage, but please spend a minute reading my view. I have bipolar. My wife is absolutely awesome - she has her faults, but she loves me unconditionally. But unfortunately I have a tendency to emotionally detach. Over the past two years, we have yo-yoed from trying again, to divorce so many times, it is insane. The reason I kept going back, and promising to try again? Guilt. Although I knew that I was no longer there, I could not stand seeing her hurt, or the thought of having to be away from our son half the time, etc... name it. Very fortunately for us, I am medicated (after ending up in a psychiatric hospital), and we have an unbelievable open channel of communication. And she is a wonderful woman. We are best friends, and both agree that we have never had anyone in either our lives understanding us, or caring for each other. Whether there is another woman or not, really is irrelevant, unless you plan to use infidelity as a weapon in the divorce proceedings. Nothing you can do will change anything, if there is. There are two things that really should be your priority - Looking after yourself and your well-being, and putting your children first. My wife and I are currently half-way through our divorce, and very fortunately to have an absolutely amicable experience. Put it down to mutual respect and wanting the best for the other. But above all, there is no reason to make things crap for the kids, and it is important for your state of mind to be able to say that you have done what you could from your side to put the kids first. But DON'T forget to look after yourself. Wishing you peace and love. And like Jerry Springer says.... "Take care of yourself... and others!"
Arieswoman Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Sad, I am sorry you are going through this. I am also sorry to tell you that IMO your husband is having an affair. I can remember my H behaving really oddly (and nastily) when he was cheating on me. I thought that he was stressed at work and was having some kind of a breakdown. Please listen to the good advice here. You need to get all your ducks in a row. See a solicitor/attorney and obtain advice as your options. Start getting copies made of all bank statements and other financial/legal documents. Give them to a trusted friend for safe-keeping. The same goes for any items you owned before the marriage, rings, jewellery etc. Open a new bank a/c in your own name and start putting money into it. You can do this. Good luck x 3
tamcat Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 PS. It is easy for some to say that "he is crazy, run to the hills and take your children with you." I am incredibly glad that my wife recognised bipolar as a medical condition, not much different to epilepsy, diabetes or cancer, and has never once tried to use it as a weapon. Unless your husband is willing to undergo treatment, or course.
Author Sad butterfly Ohio Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Again, thank you for the advice and words of wisdom. I am working on myself. I have definitely decided to go back to school. It's only going to take a few months to complete, and I am going to let him know that only when I am done will I sign anything. Right now, I need the insurance. He keeps firing back about cobra that I can be put on until I can afford it myself, my friend that works for the state (as does he) and actually deals with all of this told me how much it will actually cost him and he is griping about money now. Anyway, I am going to tell him it has nothing to do with wanting to stay married, I deserve better and so do the kids, right now it is a matter of protecting myself and the kids until I have my degree. As far as him coming and going as he pleases, since he moved out, he is mostly here when I am not. I have 2 thoughts there, one is coward, scared to face me, the other is fear. I do think right now he is being a dbag, not that it is his usual character. I do see traces of the real him from time to time, I also have done a lot of reading and research on the whole midlife crisis thing. I know he has crap he has to work through, but, I don't think he should handle it the way he is now. I have been incredibly patient. I am now getting angry. I am not saying that I am perfect, but, I do think I deserve more than this. Hell, a lot of his guy friends have said he is being dumb. The kicker, he will stop speaking to people who tell him to think about what he is doing. I guess sometimes the truth hurts. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 It's okay. Lol I really do get it. He "gas lights " me. I know that. Even a few of his friends think that he is being an idiot. Tonight, there was a long email session between us. He asked why I have not had time in a month to go over his stupid checklist for the dissolution. I explained I had to wait for the attorney I was working with to be available at the same time I was and I had been sick as are the kids and I can't afford to just call off. I had bills I was falling behind on. He replied he would help but he is overdrawn. Yeah, so explain to me how you can afford to file for divorce then big boy. Smh I am getting angry right now. I want to know what one stupid piece of paper is going to change. His guilt? Why do you continue to cater to this a*sshole? All he's done is abuse you, disrespect you, devalue you, diminish you, and degrade you. "Midlife crisis" or not, that doesn't give this irresponsible cretin a license to leave his family financially in a lurch while he's off acting like a damned hormonal teenager. It's just beyond me why women will allow men to degrade and disrespect them to this level and STILL cry into their soup every night wishing he'd come back to them. Even your teenager daughter can see what you don't.
sandylee1 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Stop letting him come and go like that... it's not right and it's simply abusive. His behaviour on the cancer scare was also abusive. ... I mean who does that? He should have told you instantly on the phone. I'd have been furious. He doesn't have to go to counselling...but he could read some self help books IF he wants to remain married. Give him a time period to sort himself out... then tell him you'll need to take decisive action if he's still on the fence after 3/6 months. You don't have to say what that action is to him and if he asks..just stick with 'you'll need to decide how to proceed with the future... based on his inability to commit to the marriage ' I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.... but you cannot allow him to dictate the terms of your relationship. He did that by insisting you be a SAHM (probably out of insecurity)... but you need to be stronger.
Author Sad butterfly Ohio Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 (edited) Had a whole thing typed and submitted, but, decided to rise above. Edited April 27, 2016 by Sad butterfly Ohio
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