Should I take a break?

[Conviction]

Hi guys, I have another thread going, but this is kind of a separate question branching from the other thread so I didn't want to side track it.

 

Essentially, I started seeing a great girl, everything was going fantastic. Now my ex is begging for me to come back (more on this in the other thread if you're interested). I honestly thought I was over my ex, I no longer thought about her, but for whatever reason when her tears and pleas came in, I found there's apparantly some feelings left.

 

Essesntially, I feel guilty beyond imagination about the new girl. I started seeing her with the premise that I was over my ex, now I feel like I'm not giving her 100% like she deserves. Part of me feels I need to end it, or at least tell her I need some time until I can get my ex isue under control. The last thing I want to do is be selfish. I just feel terrible because she's a great girl and I don't want to hurt her.

 

I guess what I'm asking you guys, is that the right thing to do? What is the best way to do this? Anybody have experience in the same area? I know it sounds selfish, but I'm hopeful that if after I do figure things out and get my mind right, her and I can possibly try again. I don't expect her to wait however.

 

This freaking sucks guys.

[fitnessfan365]

Call your ex and tell her that you've met someone new and don't want to get back together. Then just focus on being a good single dad and keeping things going with your new GF.

 

DON'T let your ex sucker you back in. If you let the girl go that actually makes you happy, you'll only regret it later.

[ExpatInItaly]

Think about all the reasons why it didn't work the first time around with your ex.

 

Now think about all the benefits of this new girlfriend.

 

Is it worth sacrificing for something that didn't work before?

Also, does your ex know you have a girlfriend?

[Conviction]

Think about all the reasons why it didn't work the first time around with your ex.

 

Now think about all the benefits of this new girlfriend.

 

Is it worth sacrificing for something that didn't work before?

Also, does your ex know you have a girlfriend?

 

I definitely hear you on that. Either way I'm going to struggle with the "what if" guilt. I think with my ex would be a little more guilt involved since I have my child to think about as well. I'd constantly be thinking if I could've have given him the happy family that he deserves.

 

Yes she knows I am seeing someone else. I have told she needs to leave it be, but she's still persistent.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Conviction

[xUnknown]

Take it from me, don't risk loosing this great girl.

[Shanex]

Starting over with an ex has always been sort of a mistake for me. Getting back together does happen. This time though you're involved in a new relationship with a woman and there's no reason to look back neither for you and her. She needs to get over you and find a mate on her own.

[smackie9]

The only reason why your ex is trying to hoover you back is because she is jealous. Don't let your feelings fool you.

[kendahke]

I definitely hear you on that. Either way I'm going to struggle with the "what if" guilt. I think with my ex would be a little more guilt involved since I have my child to think about as well. I'd constantly be thinking if I could've have given him the happy family that he deserves.

 

Stop. That's a cop out. If his happy family was that big of a concern for you, his mother wouldn't be your ex. You'd be with her right now making that happy family, not dating someone new.

 

Yes she knows I am seeing someone else. I have told she needs to leave it be, but she's still persistent.

 

Are you more addicted to the drama that comes with your ex?

 

What work have either you or your ex done to resolve the issues that drove you two apart in the first place? If nothing has been done, then guess what? Your issues are still sitting there waiting on you to come back so that they can re-animate. No. If you haven't done couple's therapy and worked it all out well before now, then you're just going back to what you already know will not work. If it did work, you wouldn't have left.

[Satu]

Which would you prefer:

 

 

1. Going back into a situation which didn't work.

 

2. Continuing with a situation which is working well so far.

 

 

As far as I can see, option 2 is a better bet.

 

 

Take care.

[Conviction]

Stop. That's a cop out. If his happy family was that big of a concern for you, his mother wouldn't be your ex. You'd be with her right now making that happy family, not dating someone new.

 

 

 

Are you more addicted to the drama that comes with your ex?

 

What work have either you or your ex done to resolve the issues that drove you two apart in the first place? If nothing has been done, then guess what? Your issues are still sitting there waiting on you to come back so that they can re-animate. No. If you haven't done couple's therapy and worked it all out well before now, then you're just going back to what you already know will not work. If it did work, you wouldn't have left.

 

I get what you're saying, and you make very valid points. But a part of what I have done and grown as a person is reflect on what I could have done different. I recognize my mistakes, and I made plenty. When you say that if I cared that much, she wouldn't be my ex, point we'll taken. My biggest regret by far is not trying hard enough to work it out. I had a bad habit of storming off and giving up rather than working out the issue at hand and I'm firm in believing that contributed largely to our separation.

[Conviction]

Which would you prefer:

 

 

1. Going back into a situation which didn't work.

 

2. Continuing with a situation which is working well so far.

 

 

As far as I can see, option 2 is a better bet.

 

 

Take care.

 

It is a good bet no doubt you make sense. But how can I deal with the "what if". I mean, what if she has improved and learned from her mistakes? I know for a fact I did.

 

Again, I see your point. I guess I'm just struggling with that what if. I mean it's not like we're jumping into it after a month, in that case I would say no way things have changed that's not enough time.

[Satu]

It is a good bet no doubt you make sense. But how can I deal with the "what if". I mean, what if she has improved and learned from her mistakes? I know for a fact I did.

 

Again, I see your point. I guess I'm just struggling with that what if. I mean it's not like we're jumping into it after a month, in that case I would say no way things have changed that's not enough time.

 

Like everything else in life, it's a gamble.

 

Neither option is a sure thing.

[Conviction]

Like everything else in life, it's a gamble.

 

Neither option is a sure thing.

 

You a very, very spot on there! Life sure isn't easy.

[hugsandkisses]

Ahhhhhh i was in the exact situation, with me being the "great girl" in this case. One thing though I did appreciate that the guy I was seeing at that time was being honest about it all, and I respected him for that and wished him the best. After all, it was his decision. You just need to make sure whatever decision you make, you will be clear with the girl you're seeing. As for my honest opinion, going back to an ex is never a good idea.

[kendahke]

I get what you're saying, and you make very valid points. But a part of what I have done and grown as a person is reflect on what I could have done different. I recognize my mistakes, and I made plenty. When you say that if I cared that much, she wouldn't be my ex, point we'll taken. My biggest regret by far is not trying hard enough to work it out. I had a bad habit of storming off and giving up rather than working out the issue at hand and I'm firm in believing that contributed largely to our separation.

 

And exactly how much work has your ex done for her part in the demise of your relationship. It takes two to make a marriage succeed or fail.

 

If she hasn't done anything but become more adept at using emotional manipulation to get you to do what she wants, then you're going to end up storming off--and this time, this new woman whose feelings you've been allowing to grow for you won't be there to take back up with you.

[kendahke]

It is a good bet no doubt you make sense. But how can I deal with the "what if". I mean, what if she has improved and learned from her mistakes? I know for a fact I did.

 

what proof has she shown to you that she has? Who is her therapist? From what you've written above, she's good at using emotional manipulation. She wasn't moved enough while you were with her to make a change Understand the difference between making a real change and doing enough to lull you into a stupor long enough to get you back to where things were and then dropping the pretense. Make sure you get those receipts.

[Conviction]

I appreciate all the replies everybody. It's nice to have a place when I'm going through such a tough life decision.

 

Well, I had a talk with my ex last night. I basically told her I understand where she's coming from, because I was there with her once too. I also told her, I spent a lot of time moving on and getting over her, so although I do want to trust you, I'm not jumping into anything at this time and things will prove themselves over time.

 

It wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear, but she was understanding and respected what I said, which in her credit, is actually an improvement on her part. She used to be very black and white and would say "if you don't want me now, then I'm gone". Nevertheless, I am recognizing that I can't jump right back into it with her.

 

With that said, I couldn't sleep last night because so much was on my mind. Even with the conversation with the ex last night, I know I need to do one of two things. Tell the ex I don't want to consider a future with her and she needs to keep conversations about our child, or I need to break it to the new girl. I'm not the type of guy to play with feelings and I feel like I'm playing with feelings and it's making me sick.

[salparadise]

I definitely hear you on that. Either way I'm going to struggle with the "what if" guilt. I think with my ex would be a little more guilt involved since I have my child to think about as well. I'd constantly be thinking if I could've have given him the happy family that he deserves.

 

Neither guilt, opportunity cost nor wishing the best for your child is a good reason to go back with your ex.

 

I think it's zero coincidental that she held you at arm's length for two years and now that you've got a new girlfriend she suddenly wants you back. Note that she did NOT want you back when she had a new boyfriend.

 

 

With that said, I couldn't sleep last night because so much was on my mind. Even with the conversation with the ex last night, I know I need to do one of two things. Tell the ex I don't want to consider a future with her and she needs to keep conversations about our child, or I need to break it to the new girl. I'm not the type of guy to play with feelings and I feel like I'm playing with feelings and it's making me sick.

 

I haven't heard you say much about how you feel about the new girlfriend––how do you feel about her? Do you love her?

 

On one hand I commend you for thinking [somewhat] rationally, but on the other hand (as indicated above) I don't agree with your rationalizations. But choosing the right partner is as much about how you feel and I wish you could be more in touch with that... and I don't mean guilt feelings or love for your child. Those aren't directly relevant. I'm talking about how you feel about the new girlfriend.

 

Everyone, I don't think I saw a single differing opinion, is saying don't fall for the hoovering ex manipulation, and stick with the relationship that's working. We can't go back in time and change the future to make the narrative what we wish it would be. I'm afraid that may be what you're trying to do.

 

Personally, I'm rooting for the new girlfriend. We already know quite a bit about why things didn't work out with the ex - constant arguments and so forth. If you really care for the new girlfriend (emotionally, not cognitively) don't give that up for hoovering, guilt, and a false notion of being able to rewrite history.

[Conviction]

Neither guilt, opportunity cost nor wishing the best for your child is a good reason to go back with your ex.

 

I think it's zero coincidental that she held you at arm's length for two years and now that you've got a new girlfriend she suddenly wants you back. Note that she did NOT want you back when she had a new boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

I haven't heard you say much about how you feel about the new girlfriend––how do you feel about her? Do you love her?

 

On one hand I commend you for thinking [somewhat] rationally, but on the other hand (as indicated above) I don't agree with your rationalizations. But choosing the right partner is as much about how you feel and I wish you could be more in touch with that... and I don't mean guilt feelings or love for your child. Those aren't directly relevant. I'm talking about how you feel about the new girlfriend.

 

Everyone, I don't think I saw a single differing opinion, is saying don't fall for the hoovering ex manipulation, and stick with the relationship that's working. We can't go back in time and change the future to make the narrative what we wish it would be. I'm afraid that may be what you're trying to do.

 

Personally, I'm rooting for the new girlfriend. We already know quite a bit about why things didn't work out with the ex - constant arguments and so forth. If you really care for the new girlfriend (emotionally, not cognitively) don't give that up for hoovering, guilt, and a false notion of being able to rewrite history.

 

I too am stuck on the fact that she made the choice to push me aside and get with the new guy, and even when they didn't work out and I was still single, she was telling me we just need to be friends and that's it. I went through two years of hell coping with how to get over her

 

The new girl is really a great girl. She treats me like a king, I have yet to find any red flags with her, and I really do like the qualities she brings to the table. It's been less than a month that we've been seeing eachother though, so it is a bit early to tell but so far so good. My only complaint is, she lives an hour away so although I've been spending quite a bit of time with her, it's starting to get stressful and expensive to make the drive so much. She can't drive to my town because she has her kid full time and of course they have a schedule they have to adhere to. I fear this may be an unfortunate strain.

[Conviction]

Ok guys, I kind of feel like I've made some progress on this, although I still don't know which way is right or not.

 

One poster said, they wished I could be more in touch with my true emotions, and that got me thinking that I should try that.

 

I've spent a few nights alone, talking occasionally to the new girl, and hardly at all to the ex, except during exchanges for my child and I feel like that helped a lot to sort these feelings out. My friends and family have given me all sorts of advice, both in favor of the new girl, in favor of seeing where it goes with the ex, and even some saying I need to slow things down with both of them and not rush this.

 

I have to admit, my gut is telling me to do the latter. I really do feel like I need to take time for myself, I've been feeling like I need to make the decision NOW, and I don't think this is one I can rush and I feel like I'd be making the choice of which direction to take out of urgency. I'm a firm believer in that time will tell all. I've come to the realization that I moved too fast with the new girl. We were both longing for that companionship and the "white picket fence" life so we started doing that, but even from past experience I can say that's the best way to have it fizzle out, especially with two kids involved. I realize I'm equally responsible for this as she is. We declared exclusivity after date #4 and that kind of scares the s*** out of me.

 

I'm sure she's realized that I've pumped the brakes, she hasn't said anything about it though. I just don't know how to tell her I feel we moved too fast, I'm not sure if she would agree or not.

 

I guess at this point it's more about her than the ex, I've realized I can't jump into it with the ex regardless, even if I wasnt in a relationship. She would have a lot to show me, and that would take months before I'd even consider giving her another shot. I told her this, and she surprisingly said she understands and is prepared to do what it takes, so we'll see if life gives us that opportunity.

 

On one hand I feel like I'm being an *** by even thinking like this. But at the same time, again my gut is telling me to take my time with this. I don't want to become resentful to either girl because I felt like my decision on where to take my life was rushed. Thoughts?