Need advice and insight. Trying to get her back using the jujitsu wrestling technique

[steve999]

OK. This is kind of windy so bear with me here.

 

Background:

 

When she and I started dating over 3 1/2 + years ago she was dropdead in love with me. She even told some of my friends that she was going to marry me one day. We've broken up before and got back together. There has always been love there but I have never been the most attentive boyfriend in the world. We never really tried to communicate well. Recently there has also been a lack of intimacy on my part. Three weeks ago she wanted to make love to me and she wanted attention from me. This is why it is hard for me to believe that she does not love me anymore as she claims. I just took her for granted because I thought she would always be there. This is an obvious mistake on my part and I feel terrible about it. I just want the chance to show her that I have changed and that I realized what I was doing wrong because telling her will do no good.

 

What happened:

 

About 2 weeks ago she broke up with me. This was precipitated by an event. Her best friend in the world was moving away. She called me about a week before the breakup and asked me to go to a restaraunt with her and her friends. I had just gotten off work and I had planned to watch a show on TV and just veg out on the couch. I politely declined and told her that I just wanted to sit at home because I was tired. She called back about 2 minutes later and offered to tape the show for me and I still said no because I was just tired. Well, about 2 days later I called her and she didn't want to talk to me and said that she needed her space. I was surprised so I asked her why and what was wrong. She said she needed me there at the restaraunt for support the other night. I asked "Support for what??" and she said it was her friend's last night in town. I told her I didn't know that (which I didn't) but she claimed that she told me. Some yelling ensued and some words were said in the heat of the moment that were not meant. She hung up.

 

Three days later I sent her roses that said i missed her, and then the next day she called and asked if she could come get something that she left at my house. I said sure because I thought maybe that was just her way of trying to see me. She came over, I gave her what she wanted, and then she broke up with me. She gave my key back to me and requested her key. I pleaded with her and asked her why. I told her again that I didn't know it was her friend's last night and she said it wasn't about that. She was crying and kept saying she didn't love me anymore and that we've just been best friends for the past year and a half. She left. Of course, right after it happened, I did what most breakupees do. I pleaded and reassured that there would be change. I wrote her an email saying that had cried and that I loved her and that things would get better.

 

Well her birthday was a few days later and I had plans for weeks for it, but obviously that wasn't going to fly now, so I went out and bought some small thoughtful gifts, wrapped them, and left the package on her doorstep the morning of her birthday. I went to a movie with some friends and when I got back to my place I found the box unwrapped on my doorstep with a letter. The letter basically said that she couldn't accept the gifts and that she knew I was thinking we were going to get back together because we had in the past, but not this time. She wrote that I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't love me and that I deserve better than that. She ended the letter by apologizing for hurting me.

 

Here is where I must explain something. I work in an office with a guy whose father has been doing relationship counseling for over 45 years. People swear by this man. He has literally gotten thousands of couples back together. My friend told me to visit his website and it said to do four things: 1. stop pressuring, complaing, criticizing , and pleading. 2. when you talk make it happy talk, small talk, friendly talk, and brief. 3. don't argue with her 4. Act happy about everything just the way it is. After he explained my situtation to his father he said that she didn't break up with me because she doesn't love me but because she has low self esteem. He says that she feels worthless around me because of my lack of attention and intimacy at times. She has always had a self esteem problem too. He said a person with high self esteem wouldn't have ended to relationship in the first place. I can totally see that now when I look back. He said the best thing I can do to get her back is to date (but don't flaunt it). I read that somewhere else too.

 

So I called her it told her that the gifts were not "come back to me" gifts and that it wasn't a ploy to get her back. I said they were birthday gifts plain and simple, no more no less. She said she just didn't feel right accepting them. I told her that I was kind of hurt that she wouldn't accept birthday gifts from me of all people. I then said something that I think shocked her. In a very calm tone, I said "I prefer that our relationship work. But you're right, it's totally impossible. So I support your decision." She didn't say anything. I then broke the silence by saying in a cheerful tone "But you have to tell me you'll accept the gifts." and she said she would. So I went over to her place and knocked on the door but she didn't answer. I left the box on the doorstep (again). She later called to ask why I didn't knock and that I said I did. She said she was in the bathroom.

 

Anyway, the next day she knocked on my door. I opened and she said she needed my help. She said that she lost her phone the night before and could not find a payphone anywhere and she needed to use my phone. I said sure and she made her calls. Keeping up with the plan, I made small talk and happy talk. She said she had seen me the night before in a friend's car and asked who else was in the car. She then told me to call her and give her my new phone number when I get it (in about 3 weeks). She then thanked me for the use of my phone and I wished her luck on finding hers and she left.

 

I waited about 5 days and called her and left a message stating that I needed a favor. She called after midnight when I was asleep and apologized for calling so late and said she just saw that I called. I called her the next day and asked if I could borrow something for a camping trip I had that weekend. I made small talk and asked her about things in her life and how she was doing with her friend being gone. Small, friendly talk. She happily agreed to my request so I showed up to pick it up a few hours later. Once again, we made small talk and laughed and she showed me her new friend and a picture she took with it. We talked about the gifts I gave her. Then I thanked her, she said to have fun on my trip, and I left.

 

That weekend was terrible because she was all I could think about. I actually almost called her, but , fortunately, my friend would not let me. I returned home and called her the following day to tell her I would return in that night. I got over there and told her a bit about the trip. She seemed to be busy, because she had her hair up and was kind of winded like she was rearranging her room. So after a very brief visit I left. I was dissappointed because I didn't get to say everything I wanted. But oh well. On myspace.com I posted that I had gotten bitten by some type of bug. She sent me a message with advice on how to take care of it. I wrote her back and said thanks.

 

It has been about 4 or 5 days since I wrote her back. That is what has happened so far.

 

What I am doing now:

 

Well, as hard as it has been, I think I have been doing everything that I have read to do. That is to have very limited contact and when you do make it small happy talk. I am trying to get rid of the negative feelings that control the door to her mind when it comes to me. I want to get her to feel safe around me. That's why I told her that I supported her decision. Apparently it worked because if there had still been a clash of wills going on (her wanting to break up and me not wanting to) she would not have felt comfortable enough or safe enough to come to my place the next day and ask for my help. I also joined a gym, got my hair cut, and went out a few times. I am going to start dating really soon. Apparently, when you start dating, the ex begins to see you through your new person's eyes. I know I want to get back with her, and that if that happens we have some things to work out. There will be a large emphasis on communication and we will start off slow because I know we can't just pick up where we left off. I know this is what I really want. I love this woman with all my heart.

 

Do you think I am doing the right thing in terms of trying to get her back?

Does it seem like it is going well?

What do you think my chances are?

Do you have any advice for me?

Do you think she is hurting at all?

 

I would appreciate any insight in to my situation very much.

[zack121]

having read that, I'd be inclinded to say yes. it all seems really positive to me. Well done (DAM WHERE WAS YOU FRIENDS DAD WHEN I NEEDED HIM)...

 

 

I had the same thing happen to me (different but the same), and all the advice I will offer you is simple

 

(1) if you feel like you took her for granted, make sure you a) know this b) be willing not to do this again

(2) Do NOT change who you are, just modify some things about the way you do things (yes it sounds like an oxymoron) but you'll understand

(3) Make sure you want this to happen!!

 

 

ps... did you say a website? care to share this site?

[steve999]

Hey, thanks for the insight. i really apprecitate it. The website is for supporting his book (Stop Your Divorce) http://www.stopyourdivorce.com The advice is not just for marriages. It works for any love relationship. People swear by this man.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

By the way, she called yesterday to chat with me about a pc she bought. Might that have been a thinly veiled disguise, lol?

[westernxer]

What's this Jujitu technique you were referring to?

[steve999]

Go to http://www.stopyourdivorce.com

[westernxer]

You also have to accept the possibility that she may not come back... no technique can change her mind if she doesn't want you back.

[steve999]

yea i know. i am prepared to move on, but this is my best shot at getting her back. the road to getting over it, or becoming her friend, or getting her back are all the same. so no skin off my back just got to be nice and relaxed.