Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) Hey guys, so I have been seeing a new girl for the past month or so, and she is an incredible girl, treats me good, and we hit it right off. Only complaint is, she wanted to progress pretty quickly and I felt I needed to in order to keep the flame going. All in all I was comfortable with it. Problem now is, my ex, whom I thought would never come back (I tried for two years with no success) is now begging me to come back. I have a child with my ex. I honestly thought I had let go of the past and moved on, I spent that two years single. For whatever reason though, I keep thinking should I give the ex a shot? We had our child when we were pretty young so we had a lot of growing up to do, which I do believe both of us have done. I just can't help but think how nice it would be to have my family back together that a for so long wished for. The new girl also has a child, who I have met and spent some time with. I just don't know what to do, and my mind is spinning. Give the new girl a try? Or put my family back together? Both certainly have their pros and cons I know. Either way I choose, unfortunately I think I will have my "what if" regrets so I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I just need some clarity on my situation. I haven't been able to think clearly since I got that phone call from my ex. I know either way I need to cut the cord fast Whether it be cut my ex, or the new girl. I can't do this any longer. Edited April 19, 2016 by Conviction
ad4m Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 To be honest, I think if you have a chance to rebuild your family, you should take it. You need to remember that you need not only think about yourself but your child. What would be better for your kid, for you to try and rebuild your family or stay separated and only visit them occasionally?
Author Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 To be honest, I think if you have a chance to rebuild your family, you should take it. You need to remember that you need not only think about yourself but your child. What would be better for your kid, for you to try and rebuild your family or stay separated and only visit them occasionally? Thank you for that. That's definitely something I've been thinking so much about. It's been so heartbreaking only seeing my kid every other weekend and I carry a lot of guilt because I don't think I did enough to fight for my family unit the first go around (again I had a lot of growing and lessons to learn). And it breaks my heart every time my kid screams on exchanges and asks why I can't come too.
salparadise Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 What was the reason for the breakup with the ex? That seems to be key, and you might want to consider whether the reason for that still exists or has somehow magically resolved. Two years is a long time to be separate and then get back together. I don't think you should assume that you can pick right up where you left off. It sounds like she left you and you weren't in agreement with the breakup, so what makes you feel that she won't do that again? My thinking is that when it's over it's over. I know people sometimes do get back after a number of years, but if someone left me for two years I don't think it would be likely that I'd give them another chance. We need more details about that previous relationship to give any real insight.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Why is your ex suddenly begging you to come back? That's what I'd be wondering. Since you two have a child together, it's probably easier on her to have a father figure back in the picture. But it's important to remember that your ex is an ex for a reason. She'll still be the same woman you didn't want to be with any longer. So the last thing you should do is get back together with her out of the blue just for the sake of your child. There's a very good chance that after 3-6 months you'll be right back where you started with a woman you don't want to be with. Then to make matters worse, you've gotten your child's hopes up for a reconciliation. At least right now, your child has adapted over the last two years and accepted that you and your ex aren't together anymore. My advice? Keep your ex an ex and be the best single dad you can be finding a woman that can actually make you happy romantically. It's hard enough on a child the first time around when parents split up. But what's even worse is when they attempt to get back together and then split up again.
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 What was the reason for the breakup with the ex? That seems to be key, and you might want to consider whether the reason for that still exists or has somehow magically resolved. Second this. Also, is your Ex trying to get you back because you are with someone else? Often times, the desire to go back to where we were once happy is mis-guided because that original innocence upon which the relationship was established cannot be reclaimed. Why did you break up with your Ex and are those issues that caused the disruption still there?
Author Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 What was the reason for the breakup with the ex? That seems to be key, and you might want to consider whether the reason for that still exists or has somehow magically resolved. Two years is a long time to be separate and then get back together. I don't think you should assume that you can pick right up where you left off. It sounds like she left you and you weren't in agreement with the breakup, so what makes you feel that she won't do that again? My thinking is that when it's over it's over. I know people sometimes do get back after a number of years, but if someone left me for two years I don't think it would be likely that I'd give them another chance. We need more details about that previous relationship to give any real insight. Sure, fair question to ask. It was actually me who made the final call to end it. She had asked that I leave the house then asked for me to come back, I told her it's over. Looking back, she shouldn't have asked me to leave, but I also didn't handle it correctly and should have talked it out rather than being so blunt and calling it quits. We were arguing a lot about petty things. Having our newborn had us both on edge and I believe we were both not mature enough to properly handle disagreements. We resorted to yelling, leaving the house, etc. There was no infedelity, lying etc. The biggest thing that is holding me back, is actually the two years we spent apart. She got into a new relationship, and essentially told me she's moving on, against my please for her to reconsider. Funny how the shoes on the other foot now.
Satu Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 If you don't know which to be with, you shouldn't be with either of them. You need certainty.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 The biggest thing that is holding me back, is actually the two years we spent apart. She got into a new relationship, and essentially told me she's moving on, against my please for her to reconsider. Funny how the shoes on the other foot now. Exactly like I said in my other post. Now that she's single again, the thought of not having a father figure around to help her raise your child scares her. So that's why she's come running back to you. But it's still a terrible idea IMO. She's still the same woman it didn't work out with the first time. So it'll be even worse when you get your child's hopes up and then eventually want to break up again. Your only responsibility is to be the best single father you can.
Author Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 If you don't know which to be with, you shouldn't be with either of them. You need certainty. I hear you on this. I'm pretty frustrated with it actually because I thought I was completely over my ex and was so happy when I met this new girl, I didn't think about my ex one bit. It wasn't until her tears and pleas started to flow in that I realized I may not be over her like I thought.
salparadise Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Why is your ex suddenly begging you to come back? That's what I'd be wondering. It's hard enough on a child the first time around when parents split up. But what's even worse is when they attempt to get back together and then split up again. ^Yes, yes, yes! The child is not the right reason. The only reason to go back with the ex is if the romantic relationship has caught fire again. When we divorce we have to give up the dream... but if romance isn't the reason, that dream isn't going to materialize. I'm also wondering... so you tried to get back with her during the two years apart, and then the second you found a new relationship she wants you back all of a sudden? I'd be suspicious of that, for sure. 1
Author Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 Exactly like I said in my other post. Now that she's single again, the thought of not having a father figure around to help her raise your child scares her. So that's why she's come running back to you. But it's still a terrible idea IMO. She's still the same woman it didn't work out with the first time. So it'll be even worse when you get your child's hopes up and then eventually want to break up again. Your only responsibility is to be the best single father you can. Good observation. I didn't really even think about the fact that she could just be looking for someone to fill the dad shoes. I appreciate your input. Hearing unbiased opinions is what I need right now.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 How do you feel about your ex? Would you still be considering her if you didn't have a child together?
Author Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 ^Yes, yes, yes! The child is not the right reason. The only reason to go back with the ex is if the romantic relationship has caught fire again. When we divorce we have to give up the dream... but if romance isn't the reason, that dream isn't going to materialize. I'm also wondering... so you tried to get back with her during the two years apart, and then the second you found a new relationship she wants you back all of a sudden? I'd be suspicious of that, for sure. I definitely am. I even questioned her on that. Why now? Why not the numerous times I begged YOU to come back, instead you picked some other swinging d***. Her response was she felt it was the right thing to do at the time, then when they broke up she needed time to recover from that breakup. According to her, the reason her and the whit knight broke up was mostly because of fights centered around me. He could see she wasn't over me and it ate him up and they constantly argued about it.
Author Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 How do you feel about your ex? Would you still be considering her if you didn't have a child together? Honestly, yes. I think when you have a child with someone it does create a different kind of bond, a stronger one. But even without that, she was a great girl who I fell hard and fast for. Before our child was born, we actually rarely fought and got along great.
Gaeta Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Give it a try. The woman you are dating should not even be a consideration. She's a stranger, you know nothing of her. Tell your ex you will get back together IF you go in counseling and make sure it's done right, for the right reasons, for both of you and for your child.
salparadise Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Honestly, yes. I think when you have a child with someone it does create a different kind of bond, a stronger one. But even without that, she was a great girl who I fell hard and fast for. Before our child was born, we actually rarely fought and got along great. Sometimes the birth of a child is the death of the romantic relationship. Sometimes this is because the mother bonds with the child and abandons the father emotionally. You were her primary person in the world, then you're not. And as the odd one out, you have less input, less status, become expendable. A woman need to have an intrinsic understanding and respect for the natural order and family structure. The new baby is an addition, not a replacement. I don't know that this is what happened, but something to think about. Also, I think that couples that fight and fuss over petty stuff and have constant drama are usually fundamentally incompatible. I would never do that again. My ex-wife was constantly needing to argue and have some kind of drama going on, and since we divorced I've had a few relationships (currently in the best one of my life), but no more drama whatsoever. The feeling is completely different. Oh we have disagreements from time to time but never any animosity. One is always willing to concede or we compromise, but never any push back. From what you've said so far, I'm thinking that you should not be doing this for the purpose of reuniting the family, and that the two of you might be incompatible. You need a wonderful relationship to make a marriage work, but you also need compatibility and to be able to live in peace. Be careful!
Author Conviction Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 Sometimes the birth of a child is the death of the romantic relationship. Sometimes this is because the mother bonds with the child and abandons the father emotionally. You were her primary person in the world, then you're not. And as the odd one out, you have less input, less status, become expendable. A woman need to have an intrinsic understanding and respect for the natural order and family structure. The new baby is an addition, not a replacement. I don't know that this is what happened, but something to think about. Also, I think that couples that fight and fuss over petty stuff and have constant drama are usually fundamentally incompatible. I would never do that again. My ex-wife was constantly needing to argue and have some kind of drama going on, and since we divorced I've had a few relationships (currently in the best one of my life), but no more drama whatsoever. The feeling is completely different. Oh we have disagreements from time to time but never any animosity. One is always willing to concede or we compromise, but never any push back. From what you've said so far, I'm thinking that you should not be doing this for the purpose of reuniting the family, and that the two of you might be incompatible. You need a wonderful relationship to make a marriage work, but you also need compatibility and to be able to live in peace. Be careful! Very good food for thought, thank you. A part of me agrees on the small bickering, but another side of me thinks they weren't even things worth arguing about and dang sure weren't worth breaking up a family over. I also think small bickering is easier to fix than something major like cheating or lying. I could be thinking wrong on that though, admittedly.
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