Had Sex With My Ex Girlfriend - I Think I Messed Up

[Blackvulture]

I appreciate everyone's insight.

 

My thought process is different from everyone else's on here.

 

Look, I went through two no-contact periods with this girl. The first no-contact worked initially, but things just didn't go my way.

 

So I went into another no-contact period, with no end date in mind. I decided to reach out to her one last time - just to try. I was resolved that I may never get her back in my life. I have been on dates with other women since my ex broke up with me. As I stated, I was seeing another girl. I decided she wasn't right for me and that it was too soon.

 

After what happened two days ago, my emotional mentality has changed, but my logical one hasn't. I still realize that I may NEVER get her back. I still love this girl obviously, but I have come to realize that I don't need her in my life to be a success. I have accomplish a lot in my life without her. I am definitely not in the same place that I was even three months ago.

 

I am upset at myself because I thought things were going well. I mean, in some capacity, things were going well. We just had sex. A lot of guys don't even get sex after they have been broken up with. I upset because sex may have been a roadblock for me. It might not have been a road block. I am mostly upset that I didn't get to show her all of the ways I have improved myself.

 

Maybe she did use me. Maybe she didn't. Like I said, this girl has trouble communicating exactly how she feels. I can honestly see her being 50/50 right now. She was definitely into the foreplay, the kissing, and the first round of sex (the second round just sucked for both of us). She was really touchy feeling before we had sex. And yes, she did get a massage out of me. But, you know what? I also got sex out of her. Something I never thought imaginable only a few short months ago.

 

In some general point, what do I have to lose? I mean, the relationship has been over for four months. Why not try one last time to see if there is even a chance?

 

 

I may reach out to her today - even though she didn't respond to me yesterday. I might not and wait until to tomorrow. I may just wait until next week. I don't really think there is ever the 'perfect' way to do these things. Every person is different. I was there was a magic way to do things, but I think I am starting to realize there is not.

[keiji]

In some general point, what do I have to lose? I mean, the relationship has been over for four months. Why not try one last time to see if there is even a chance?

 

What do you have to lose? I don't know: peace of mind, well-being, stamping two feet firmly in the present instead of the past, moving on from a relationship that didn't work...

 

I may reach out to her today - even though she didn't respond to me yesterday. I might not and wait until to tomorrow. I may just wait until next week. I don't really think there is ever the 'perfect' way to do these things. Every person is different. I was there was a magic way to do things, but I think I am starting to realize there is not.

 

Read that again, man. How much effort does it take for someone to reply a damn text? Next to zero.

[Blanco]

You understand that NC isn't some gimmick that's supposed to trick an ex into getting back with you, right? Because your phrasing makes it sound like you think NC is just that.

 

You ask what you have to lose by continuing on with these games. I'll tell you: Time. And that's a commodity you can't get back.

[Blackvulture]

You understand that NC isn't some gimmick that's supposed to trick an ex into getting back with you, right? Because your phrasing makes it sound like you think NC is just that.

 

You ask what you have to lose by continuing on with these games. I'll tell you: Time. And that's a commodity you can't get back.

 

When you say that is not a gimmick, what do you mean by that?

 

If no-contact is truly meant to be no-contact, that definition would mean simply moving on. As I have seen it defined in almost every 'ex back' program, no contact is temporary - but can be permanent if you figure out you really don't want your ex back in your life.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Blackvulture

[chrisftw]

When you say that is not a gimmick, what do you mean by that?

 

If no-contact is truly meant to be no-contact, that definition would mean simply moving on. As I have seen it defined in almost every 'ex back' program, no contact is temporary - but can be permanent if you figure out you really don't want your ex back in your life.

 

No contact has yet to work for me in the long run.

 

the only thing that seems to happen is the girl comes back for a short time. gets her thrills and leaves again when she's got things under "control" with you.

 

i've NEVER, seen no contact end in a loving lasting relationship with kids and marriage and a white picket fence.

 

good luck in your adventures with your ex, you are investing entirely to much energy into a whole lotta what if's.

[salparadise]

So, no one here recommends me contacting her? Just curious.

 

The only way to keep her interest high is for you to be the one holding the cards. What worked before... no contact. When you were in no contact you were in control. When you essentially made her beg for sex, you were in control and she was obedient (even if it was her idea). If you start chasing her again she's gone, so don't. You might get her to chase you, or at least hookup occasionally, be being disinterested/unavailable.

 

The best thing you could do now is get another girlfriend. Then you could actually be disinterested and unavailable.

[LD1990]

When you say that is not a gimmick, what do you mean by that?

 

If no-contact is truly meant to be no-contact, that definition would mean simply moving on. As I have seen it defined in almost every 'ex back' program, no contact is temporary - but can be permanent if you figure out you really don't want your ex back in your life.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

That's the LoveShack version of no contact, which is basically cutting off any means your ex has to contact you and refraining from contacting or checking up on them in any way. It is about moving on with your life and getting over your ex.

 

Those "get your ex back" programs do advocate temporary periods without contact. Those programs are also designed to make money, whereas LoveShack is simply about helping people. Notice how all those programs give you the same basic info in a sales-pitch fashion, and then at the end say "If you're really serious about getting your ex back, order the Ex-Blaster 9000 Breakup Recovery Total Recall System!"

 

Relationships shouldn't be about mind games and complicated systems. If you need all that to get back together, it probably isn't meant to be and won't last anyways.

 

Your ex has made it very clear how she sees you. If she cared at all, she would have texted you back yesterday. All you're doing by continuously contacting her is wasting your time and prolonging any lingering pain you may have.

[TaraMaiden2]

When you say that is not a gimmick, what do you mean by that?

He means it's not some dumb mind-game exercise you play to see if you can out-psyche or outwit your ex.

 

If no-contact is truly meant to be no-contact, that definition would mean simply moving on.

That's exactly what it means.

Otherwise it would be called "Partial No-Contact mind-f**king game designed to ultimately screw both the dumper and the dumpee over completely, by messing with their emotions and helping them make all the wrong decisions."

 

As I have seen it defined in almost every 'ex back' program

, All of which have an abysmally low success rate, by the way....

 

no contact is temporary -

No, it isn't, and shouldn't be viewed as such. Otherwise, it's not 'No Contact'. It's a 'break'. And we all know how well THEY work, right...?

 

but can be permanent if you figure out you really don't want your ex back in your life.

That's basically what the dumper has indicated by dumping you.

 

No dumper dumps anyone with the express intention of getting back together some day.

Quite the opposite.

Even the ones who say "I don't see us working at the moment but who knows further down the line...?" Don't actually mean a word of that.

[Blackvulture]

If what you guys are saying is true, then what is the harm of me calling her on her statement: "We will talk later about it?" If it is truly hopeless for me, then what is the harm of doing that? Just curious.

 

I have proven to myself that I have the option of moving on. The reason I am trying one last time? I love this woman. I would always regret not trying to get her back in my life.

[LD1990]

The harm is wasting your time and continuing this cycle of attempting to get her back. Here's a better question, what do you have to gain by "calling her on her statement"? What's the point?

 

If she still loved you like you loved her you both would be together. You've reached out more than enough, and she has had every opportunity to rekindle a relationship with you, she just doesn't want it anymore. Saying you want to try one last time so you don't regret it is just refusing to accept her decision. How many times are you going to text her? How many "last times" will there be?

[Satu]

"If Dirk Rigby's infallible, " Get Your Girl Back in thirty 30 Days with the NC Rule Program" fails, there's always Voodoo to fall back on...

[chrisftw]

"If Dirk Rigby's infallible, " Get Your Girl Back in thirty 30 Days with the NC Rule Program" fails, there's always Voodoo to fall back on...

 

you gotta love the videos where it goes on for 20 minutes. 90% of which go something like this

 

"Now very soon I'm about to show you one of the best tips I have ever come across in my dating life that has a nearly 100% success rate with all women I've tested it on. So if you're tired of being rejected or just want to get your ex back, keep listening and stay tuned!"

blah blah filler words, fluff talk, inspirational message, "I know your anxious for me to reveal this special tip, something I've guarded closely that has an almost 100% success rate I'm going to share with you FOR FREE!stay tuned to the end of the video"

 

buy this system for only 250 bucks and change your life!

[Blanco]

If what you guys are saying is true, then what is the harm of me calling her on her statement: "We will talk later about it?" If it is truly hopeless for me, then what is the harm of doing that? Just curious.

 

I have proven to myself that I have the option of moving on. The reason I am trying one last time? I love this woman. I would always regret not trying to get her back in my life.

 

What's the point of asking for insight when it seems like you're going to push back on comments that discourage what you want to hear or what you want to do?

 

I've gotten back together with every serious girlfriend I've ever broken up with. I'm currently single. Make of that what you will as far as "successful" reconciliations go.

[Simon Phoenix]

If what you guys are saying is true, then what is the harm of me calling her on her statement: "We will talk later about it?" If it is truly hopeless for me, then what is the harm of doing that? Just curious.

 

I have proven to myself that I have the option of moving on. The reason I am trying one last time? I love this woman. I would always regret not trying to get her back in my life.

 

Attempting to manipulate her isn't very loving. That's what you've tried to do from the start.

[Blackvulture]

I am not trying to push back against the reasoning here. What I want is to make my own decision in the end. If I have to learn a hard lesson, that may benefit me more in the long run than anything else. I mean, who really knows what will happen? I sure don't. I don't think anyone here can say with certainty they will know what will happen. I see that there are a few things that can happen: I get back with her, I end up being a friend with benefit, or I move on for good.

 

To answer another poster's statement, no, it is not very loving of me to manipulate her. I am caught up in the process of trying to match her games with my games. It is probably 'wrong.'

 

My psychologist (yes, I attend professional intervention and have been since the break up) was very shocked by my ex's behavior. She was surprised that a girl who seemingly never initiated anything wanted sex so badly. She really did not have an explanation for her behavior. She wasn't willing to acknowledge that she simply got lonely or she was having second thoughts. If there is anything I have learned from professional help, is that none of us really know what the outcomes will. We never know that if we were able to do anything differently would change anything. I still struggle with my anxiety, but I am improving.

 

She has never once told me directly to or not to try to get back with my ex. What she does want though, is that she wants me to learn to from my decisions. She told me that if I want to text her, I may as text her what I was planning on texting her: "The other night you said you wanted to talk. When do you want to talk? or simply, the other night you said you wanted to talk - Let's talk."

 

Like I said, I realize I may never get her back in my life. I never thought I would even she her face to face again - not much less have sex with her.

[Blanco]

If you want her back, then you'll never be happy with a FWB situation.

 

At any rate, stop trying to go tit-for-tat with her in the supposed game-playing and just get a straight answer out of her, otherwise, you'll look up and realize you've wasted a year or more of your post-relationship life trying to manipulate a situation you probably should've distanced yourself from a while ago.

[TaraMaiden2]

I am not trying to push back against the reasoning here. What I want is to make my own decision in the end.

Ok, well, the way any sane, rational, logical person makes decisions is to weigh up all the options, evaluate their usefulness, decipher their logic, examine all the data, references, advice, theories and experiences, and once all the data is in, make a reasonable decision based on thorough investigation.

That's how people make their own decisions.

Everything you have heard, learnt, absorbed and been advised here, tells you unequivocally to give up, step back, move on and implement No Contact.

That it sane, rational, logical and sensible.

 

Take it as read, that your choices are extremely limited (to one correct one, and one really totally inadvisable one) and quite clear.

Choose wisely.

Given that If I have to learn a hard lesson, that may benefit me more in the long run than anything else.

Why, after all her rejections, have you not yet learnt it, then?

 

I mean, who really knows what will happen? I sure don't.

We sure do.

Given that this scenario has been played, re-played, played again, and then again and again and again on this forum - you think you're the first at this? You think we haven't seen this repeated ad nauseam....?

 

I don't think anyone here can say with certainty they will know what will happen.

Actually,m yes we can, for the reason cited above. It is YOU, who refuse to believe us, in spite of countless hundreds - possibly thousands - of similar or identical situations.

 

I see that there are a few things that can happen: I get back with her,

HIGHLY unlikely,

I end up being a friend with benefit,

A totally, inadvisable, bad and emotionally-tortuous idea

or I move on for good.

Go for it. Really, I'm serious. Cut out the middle-men, and start moving on, now....

 

To answer another poster's statement, no, it is not very loving of me to manipulate her. I am caught up in the process of trying to match her games with my games. It is probably 'wrong.'

No. It's COMPLETELY wrong. Will probably backfire and smack you in the face, or kick you in the butt.....

 

....She has never once told me directly to or not to try to get back with my ex.

She's not experienced in dealing with a multitude of relationship problems. We are. We are strongly advising you - telling you, directly - do NOT try to get back with your ex.

 

What she does want though, is that she wants me to learn to from my decisions. She told me that if I want to text her, I may as text her what I was planning on texting her: "The other night you said you wanted to talk. When do you want to talk? or simply, the other night you said you wanted to talk - Let's talk."

Yeah, right. Let us know how THAT goes for ya....

[TaraMaiden2]

I am not trying to push back against the reasoning here.....

 

And actually, yes. That's EXACTLY what you are doing.

[swang]

Just do it man, you got nothing to lose. You know the risk.