Blackvulture Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Hello all, I am new here. I am sorry if this thread is not supposed to be here. I didn't know where else to put it. Simply put, I feel that I have messed up bad. My ex broke up with me four months ago. I am not going to get into all of the details of the breakup, but, basically I was just an unattractive person to her. I tried to beg for back - it obviously failed. After trying to get her back the wrong ways, I decided to try to get her back the 'right way.' I went into a 45 day no contact period. After 45 days, I contacted her through text. We initially had some good conversation. However, eventually, she stopped responding to me and seemed like she had no desire to talk to me. I broke off into another no contact period. This one lasted 40 days. I ended this no contact period early last week - by texting her. My ex and I had been texting back and forth for over a week. We were having good conversation. She was always responding to me. Basically, it seemed like she actually wanted to talk to me this time around. I kept things light, playful, and fun. Then yesterday happened. Our conversation started off playful. However, the she started dropping major hints that I needed to come over to her place to see her. I just played along and teased her. We were joking how I needed to service her with food and wine. However, eventually, she started getting serious. She wanted me to bring over food to her. She told me when she was going home. Basically, she was hinted very hardly that I needed to come see her. I had a feeling she was, but I was just trying to continue to be playful with her. Then, she started bringing up how much stress she was having and how she had a massive headache. Basically, she started talking to me like we used when we were dating. I kept my cool. I played along. However, eventually, after a few hours of conversation, she gave me an ultimatum: “Why aren’t you texting me back so quickly? Also, you are not good at hints. I want you to come over to rub me in exchange for scandalous behavior.” I caved at this text. I texted her and told her to come over to my place. She came over. We hugged and kissed initially. She said she I was looking good. She was looking good. I hadn't seen her in four months. We talked and I 'caved' into massaging her. I never mentioned anything about the past relationship. She didn’t either. But we did catch up on each other's lives. I massaged her. She issued a few ‘commands’ that I diffused with humor (like you should rub me here, you should get me wine, etc.) Eventually, we got into bed. There, we laid and watched some TV. I rubbed her some more. Then, I made a move on her. We kissed intimately for roughly 20 minutes. After having some passion, I made a move on her to initiate sex. We started having sex. There was intense passion immediately. I tried to take charge in bed, but she wasn’t having it fully. She told me to come down to her in missionary position and kiss her. I obliged. The sex was pretty good, but I didn't last as long as I had wanted (I had not had sex in quite awhile). After it ended, she started talking about how she better leave. I didn’t beg for her to stay or get whinny. I just simply told her we should have sex again. She obliged. We had sex a second time, but it wasn’t very satisfying for either party. After it was done. She got up and got dressed. As she was heading out the door, she hugged and kissed me once. Then she said: “I don’t know what this means. Let’s talk about this later.” I simply said, “cool.” She left. I have a sinking feeling I just got used and that she will not contact me again. Maybe she will. I do not know. I feel like I satisfied her some, but I feel that I didn't fully satisfy her. I was trying to avoid having just sex with her. I was trying to get her back into my life as my girlfriend again. Does anyone have advice for me as to what I should do? Does it sound like she used me? Thank you for any input that one can offer.
mightycpa Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Well, if you want to try to manipulate her, you have to attempt to get the upper hand. I'd text her right away with something like I don't want you to think I regret seeing you, but I'm seeing this other girl and even though we're not exclusive, she'd probably get upset if she found out. So if we can keep our time together quiet, I'd appreciate it. then SHUT UP and see how she reacts, and go from there. Don't be too eager for her to take you back. You might have to be her on the side sex toy boy for a little while. Whether she responds or not, it sounds like you're done.
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Well, if you want to try to manipulate her, you have to attempt to get the upper hand. I'd text her right away with something like then SHUT UP and see how she reacts, and go from there. Don't be too eager for her to take you back. You might have to be her on the side sex toy boy for a little while. Whether she responds or not, it sounds like you're done. If anyone did that to me, I would never talk to him ever again, so I am not sure why you are advising the OP to do this? 5
keiji Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Well, if you want to try to manipulate her, you have to attempt to get the upper hand. I'd text her right away with something like then SHUT UP and see how she reacts, and go from there. Don't be too eager for her to take you back. You might have to be her on the side sex toy boy for a little while. Whether she responds or not, it sounds like you're done. I also think it's not a good idea. Any kind of relationship that's based on manipulations is bound to fail. Being honest straightaway is the best strategy, imo. OP, I hope I'm wrong, but I think she just felt playful that night and you were an easy option. I'd ignore her completely if I were you. 3
mightycpa Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 If anyone did that to me, I would never talk to him ever again, so I am not sure why you are advising the OP to do this?Because in the end, he's never going to talk to her ever again anyway. What difference does it make why? He's already tried to manipulate her, so I merely explained how to continue down that path. I think he's beginning to see for himself how this in not going to end the way he hopes. He doesn't need me for that.
Author Blackvulture Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 Thank you everyone for the quick responses. Does the fact that I have been texting her steady back and forth for over a week matter? Also, I don't know if it matters, but she replied to every message I sent. We even sent good night texts to one another a couple of times. During our relationship, we had a good sex life. However, she was never explicit about sex. It was something that happened. Last night was the first time I have ever heard her basically flat out ask if we could have sex. It was very... interesting. I am not sure, but maybe she was just responding to me to lead up to this night? I am really confused and angry at myself for letting this happen. I was trying to get her back in my life, not just have sex with her. I am trying to remain calm. It is not fact that she used me. Maybe she is confused too.
Satu Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) The minute she meets someone else will be the minute you're forgotten. She just used you to scratch an itch. Don't go along with that. Edited April 19, 2016 by Satu 2
Author Blackvulture Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 Question I had: Could I try to make it so she is a booty call? Be assertive and tell her to come over to my place now? 1
keiji Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 You're not in control of the situation. You still have feelings for her, so you'll get hurt. Don't do it, man. 7
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Question I had: Could I try to make it so she is a booty call? Be assertive and tell her to come over to my place now? You probably could - but you would really regret it in the long run. What Keiji said: You still have feelings for her so each time you two are together, the more you are going to start to re-bond with her and eventually, she WILL find another guy and you will be left out in the cold and hurting again. This is why those of us that have been around and seen this all before heartily recommend No Contact and sticking with it! 4
Alamo657 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 You both needed sex and affection, you got it. However don't kid yourself, the relationship is over and she will date new guys to test the waters. And as soon as one of those guys will really attract her, you'll be dumped and forgotten mercilessly. 2
Author Blackvulture Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 Interesting views here. This board seems to be overwhelming on the stance that I got used and that last night meant nothing. It very well could. Before last night (and last week) I was actually moving forward in my life and I was seeing this other girl. We were close to dating, but I decided not to pursue it. She wanted a relationship, but I decided I wasn't ready for one. What was interesting was I had already accepted the fact that I may never have my ex again in my life during my second no contact period. The only reason I contacted her was to test the waters. To see if anything remained. I got a little sucked in I guess because she had been so responsive to me through texting. Then last night happened. Now, I am just confused. So, no one here recommends me contacting her? Just curious.
Satu Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 So, no one here recommends me contacting her? Just curious. I certainly don't. You can't go forward by walking backwards. 1
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 If you want to contact her, go ahead. And we will all still be here when it blows up in your face. Look, I have totally been in your shoes. Sometimes you have to do what your heart tells you to do just to learn the lesson. Or you can listen to those of us who have been there and have seen it - over and over and over.... It can't end well. 2
LD1990 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 You have already initiated contact with her multiple times, and she hasn't shown any indication that she wants a relationship again. To her, you're a guy she can use for attention and sex when it's convenient, but you're clearly not relationship material in her eyes anymore. Like others have said, she's gonna discard you the second she finds someone she's serious about. Trying to use her as a booty call is likely to blow up in your face. You want her back, she doesn't want you back, so she has all the power. 1
kgcolonel Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Why not wait and see if she contacts you? This would also balance the power in the relationship. Did you decide not to continue with the other girl because you had reconnected with your EX? If that is the case, resume seeing the other girl to see if you generate any true feelings for her....this will give you and her another chance to connect and see where that goes.
mightycpa Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Why not wait and see if she contacts you? This would also balance the power in the relationship. Did you decide not to continue with the other girl because you had reconnected with your EX? If that is the case, resume seeing the other girl to see if you generate any true feelings for her....this will give you and her another chance to connect and see where that goes.here's some wisdom for just about anybody The only power in relationships is the power of least interest. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 You need to stop chasing and "testing the waters". She broke up with you, remember?
Author Blackvulture Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 The problem with her is that she never makes the move. I had to do everything when we met. She barely gave me any good hints. I know her: She will never make the first move about something serious like another relationship (even if she wants it. Or she doesn't. I don't know - only she is the one who knows). When I contacted her after my second period of no contact, she even mentioned to me how she was going to ask me about something upcoming in May, but never 'got around to it,' (i.e. she didn't want to make first contact). That is why last night is still a shock to me. She was never that explicit about wanting sex like that when we dated. Even though we sex all the time, she was pretty shy about the subject. That is why her making the move like that has me so curious. I know her: She can be stubborn. But moreover, she doesn't like to admit she is wrong. That is why I can see it would be hard for her to contact me out of the blue. She doesn't want to admit she made a mistake by breaking up with me. This may sound cocky, but I was the best thing that happened to her. I know. I am not going to go into detail about our break up, but I let life's stress get the better of me. It wasn't hard to see why she broke up with after reflection (even though at the time I was very confused). Anyway, I know I am going to get ripped apart for this, but I texted her today. I didn't say a word about last night. I just sent her a couple of playful messages. Light-hearted, fun messages. She replied to two of them. Not to the third one I sent. I am not sure, but I might go back into a min no-contact period. If not longer. I let my feelings for her get the better of me today.
CarrieT Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 I let my feelings for her get the better of me today. Yes, you certainly did.... I texted her today. I didn't say a word about last night. I just sent her a couple of playful messages. Light-hearted, fun messages. She replied to two of them. Not to the third one I sent. I am not sure, but I might go back into a min no-contact period. If not longer. It doesn't matter if the texts were light-hearted or not. You contacted her which is tantamount to leaving out breadcrumbs and seeing if she will eat... She ate some so there is still contact. Best bet would be to let her go 100%. No Contact means deleting her number and blocking her on social media. Cut the cord...
Blanco Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 The problem with her is that she never makes the move. I had to do everything when we met. She barely gave me any good hints. I know her: She will never make the first move about something serious like another relationship (even if she wants it. Or she doesn't. I don't know - only she is the one who knows). When I contacted her after my second period of no contact, she even mentioned to me how she was going to ask me about something upcoming in May, but never 'got around to it,' (i.e. she didn't want to make first contact). That is why last night is still a shock to me. She was never that explicit about wanting sex like that when we dated. Even though we sex all the time, she was pretty shy about the subject. That is why her making the move like that has me so curious. I know her: She can be stubborn. But moreover, she doesn't like to admit she is wrong. That is why I can see it would be hard for her to contact me out of the blue. She doesn't want to admit she made a mistake by breaking up with me. This may sound cocky, but I was the best thing that happened to her. I know. I am not going to go into detail about our break up, but I let life's stress get the better of me. It wasn't hard to see why she broke up with after reflection (even though at the time I was very confused). Anyway, I know I am going to get ripped apart for this, but I texted her today. I didn't say a word about last night. I just sent her a couple of playful messages. Light-hearted, fun messages. She replied to two of them. Not to the third one I sent. I am not sure, but I might go back into a min no-contact period. If not longer. I let my feelings for her get the better of me today. And how long do you plan to put your life on hold because you're refusing to let yourself emotionally detach from this girl? I've been there. A lot of us have. Healing from a breakup can take some time. It takes even longer when you refuse to leave well enough alone.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 The problem with her is that she never makes the move. I had to do everything when we met. She barely gave me any good hints. I know her: She will never make the first move about something serious like another relationship (even if she wants it. Or she doesn't. I don't know - only she is the one who knows). When I contacted her after my second period of no contact, she even mentioned to me how she was going to ask me about something upcoming in May, but never 'got around to it,' (i.e. she didn't want to make first contact). That is why last night is still a shock to me. She was never that explicit about wanting sex like that when we dated. Even though we sex all the time, she was pretty shy about the subject. That is why her making the move like that has me so curious. I know her: She can be stubborn. But moreover, she doesn't like to admit she is wrong. That is why I can see it would be hard for her to contact me out of the blue. She doesn't want to admit she made a mistake by breaking up with me. This may sound cocky, but I was the best thing that happened to her. I know. I am not going to go into detail about our break up, but I let life's stress get the better of me. It wasn't hard to see why she broke up with after reflection (even though at the time I was very confused). Anyway, I know I am going to get ripped apart for this, but I texted her today. I didn't say a word about last night. I just sent her a couple of playful messages. Light-hearted, fun messages. She replied to two of them. Not to the third one I sent. I am not sure, but I might go back into a min no-contact period. If not longer. I let my feelings for her get the better of me today. So you're going to continue to act like a chump because she's "stubborn"? I mean, it's up to you, but if you are looking for her to ever consider having a romantic relationship with you again this ain't going to work. All you're going to do is chase your own tail. But hey, maybe that's your thing.
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 here's some wisdom for just about anybody: The only power in relationships is the power of least interest. Or as it's more commonly known, "Whoever cares the least controls the most."
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 This may sound cocky, but I was the best thing that happened to her. I know. I am not going to go into detail about our break up, but I let life's stress get the better of me. It wasn't hard to see why she broke up with after reflection (even though at the time I was very confused). Seems to me this may have been a forced break up. YOU made it so difficult for her to continue in the relationship, so her only alternative was to break up with you, as opposed to being a decision she came to on her own. Is that correct? If so then YOU are essentially the dumper and she is the dumpee and that is a different dynamic.
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