eddiecan Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Okay I will try to keep this short and use jot notes to help shorten for you folk! Background: -27 year old male -Good career -Lots of friends -Best shape I've ever been in -Good hobbies -Best mentalality Ive had in a long time (still not perfect) -Not to be vain, but decent looking guy Now all of the above came to be after about a year long depression from being dumped from 1st girlfriend, 3 years together, lived together, toxic relationship, shades of her cheating at the end. Killed me but time and working on myself finally got me through. After I got through that haze i was finally happy being single and I did so well with women last year, flings, small "relationship, one night stands.. Then I met the new one. Today's cause for a grey morning. ______________ I dated a girl the last 5 months who was 27, good job, solid head on her shoulders, beautiful, talented, sexy. On paper, she was the best girl I've ever had. I know no one is perfect (she had a couple ticks which I will get too) but when she was lovey-dovey, guys.. I was high on this girl's love. I think I lost my sense of self-purpose and turned her as my defining thing...Big mistake I know. So heres what happened.. Met her off tinder, she was visiting my town for a week so we went on 6 dates, sparks flew. I dropped her off at airport and she was crying to leave. She has family here and luck would have it- A JOB OFFER! 3 weeks later, she's back and I'm walking on clouds. We spent every moment together practically those first 6 weeks....Big mistake I know. One night, maybe a little booze-laden at a party, I thought she was a little too flirtatious and my jealousy got the best of me so I sorta let her have it. Gross quality of mine that I must work on. The next day she was hurt, said she was rethinking the relationship. After a few weeks of walks and talks, we get back into it with the exception of her saying she had found herself happy being alone but wanted to slow it down on the relationship front but wanted to be exclusive, have sex, have fun together (so a relationship??? this part confused the hell outta me). This line of being together but not was so hard to walk. I wanted to be affectionate because I still totally felt the same. The following couple months was reduced amount of dates, closeness and passion. I felt this was a phase that would pass. Just keep it cool and she'd come around. But she blew me off last sunday night from a rough plan we had. two days later, was partying with some friends and this pressure just snapped in me. Called her pissed and said what do you want? If you can't tell me, just don't call me anymore. I was angry and saying things I don't think I really meant. The next day (last wednesday) we talk and i explained myself, why I snapped, asked if she wanted to stop hanging out and talking. She said "No we can hang and talk but I just don't think like relationship expectations or sex". Seemed like a way of letting me down easy.. 1Q: Was this an actual break up? We haven't spoke yet again. My phone rang friday night from her for a few seconds and then stopped. The next day I text her asking if she called and no response.. 2Q: Was this phone call maybe her thinking of reaching out? Or just a pocket dial lol. What I've done since: -friends and drinking first couple days. Was in a bad place but I did. -Started eating again, working out again, biking, being in the sun. Ive started to feel better the last couple days. But the mornings always suck. I have a few pressing questions.. 3Q: Lets say hypothetically this girl will have checked off more boxes of any girl I will ever meet in life, how do I forgive myself for my mistakes to scare away this girl? 4Q: I think the writing is on the wall but could there be chance of reconciliation? I see relationships from my past and of friends that work but have worse issues than jealousy and cold feet.. 5Q: If it truly is over, should I wait for her to contact me for one final talk and exchange some things? I know it was a bit of a read everyone. Hope it was summarized decently. Any help is greatly appreciated. Much Love!
d0nnivain Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Other than raising your voice, I don't really see too much you did wrong. You were getting jerked around & you demanded that stop. Yeah, you could have been more gracious about it but overall you are more right then wrong. This girl has broken up with you. No relationship & no sex is what? Friendship? She wanted a fling while she was in town. Then she came back not expecting to have liked you as much as she did but then she saw your temper & things cooled for her. She's done. That said, if you find one woman who ticks most of your boxes, you have to believe you will find another one. Happy hunting!
Author eddiecan Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 I guess your right. Just sucks when something felt so right, from both parts saying it. That things can't get back to the way they were if I just got my **** together.. People move on from such worse problems. I'm gonna kick myself for a long time if I let a new found easily correctable thing like jealousy and neediness ruin something. If I had just stayed the same guy, would it have resulted in the same outcome?? I just don't know..
PursuitofPeace Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) Yes, I think she did break up with you. And the phone call was probably a drunk dial or accident... It does sound like some pretty normal jealousy stemming from the way she's made you feel insecure (and that happens, especially in the beginning of relationships and especially after your past with a cheating ex!). So don't be so hard on yourself. I think she should at least be willing to talk to you about why she needs more space and why she wants you to back off on the romantic/sexual part of the relationship. But going back to her and asking her for more defining/talking would probably upset her or scare her right now... so my advice would be no contact for a while, and see if she contacts you. I personally don't find it healthy to be "just friends" after such an intense relationship, and while you are feeling so hurt and raw about it. You deserve more than that and will need more than that if she stays in your life -- which she seems to want but on her weird terms. If she wants to stay friends and acts like it by calling you, wanting to spend time together, etc., then you can have a conversation about defining what you guys are... otherwise, i'd keep doing what your doing to take care of yourself. Edited April 19, 2016 by PursuitofPeace
mightycpa Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) To review, We spent every moment together practically those first 6 weeksI'm not convinced that this is necessarily a mistake. I'd call it more of a leading indicator, like "what goes up must come down." There is no reason to believe that artificially throttling your mutual expressions of interest would lead to any different result. my jealousy got the best of me so I sorta let her have it.Next time, let the guy know in no uncertain terms that he's working on a dead end. Doesn't have to be mean, just convincing. After a few weeks of walks and talksAnother leading indicator. You weren't negotiating the Paris Accords. It could have been handled in one conversation. [she]wanted to slow it down on the relationship front but wanted to be exclusive, have sex, have fun togetherI don't think you listened to that message. Confusing? No. Crystal clear. Allow me to translate that for youI like you enough to **** you and go out and party, but that doesn't mean it's romanticI know how it goes, sometimes that's the Offer of the Century, and other times, you don't want to hear what's actually being said. Called her pissed and said what do you want? If you can't tell me, just don't call me anymore. I was angry and saying things I don't think I really meant.I'm pretty sure you did mean them. You just wish her response was different. That's the trouble with walking a line you don't want to walk. Frustration builds up, and you were angry at her for not getting with the program. If you couldn't have what you wanted, what did you really have to lose? Another chance to be told NO? She said "No we can hang and talk but I just don't think like relationship expectations or sex". Seemed like a way of letting me down easy.Sigh. Yep, that's a demotion to the "You've proven yourself too much trouble to ****" friend zone. Now, to your questions: 1) Seriously? If a break up marks the end of the romantic relationship, then you were broken up with a long time ago, when you got demoted to ****-buddy. 2) You are one demotion away from being nobody to her. No, she's not reaching out. You're hanging by a frayed thread. 3) You ****ed up. What can you do, other than learn? The way you forgive yourself is to recognize that this was never going to happen, mistakes or not. If she was flirting with the guy, and you shut him down, then it would have been the next guy, or the one after that. If you'd stayed her ****-buddy, then that would have ended the moment she met a real romantic interest, which you were not. That's how you forgive yourself. 4) If you play your cards 100% correctly, you **might** get a promotion back to ****-buddy at some point. There is a glass ceiling above that position for you. 5) Not if you need those things. Sorry, I wish I had a better analysis, but I really don't. Good luck! Edited April 19, 2016 by mightycpa
Author eddiecan Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 You guys are all right. I know I can see it too. Though emotions always want you to see a glimmer somewhere. I've been through a break up before. Just with a lying, cheating woman, not one who seemed to have it all going only to turn it off at the first hiccup like this one. Maybe that fact alone says she really doesn't have it all together. No ones perfect but I woulda dealt with it if she coulda dealt with my small bout of jealousy there.. I will not go back to being her friend. Told her that when we had the talks few months back.. That damn line she made me walk: A FWD/Relationship? She was still confiding in me when she was home-sick or having a bad day and then really wanted to be there for me when I had a family member going through serious medical issues. Emotionally support each other, have sex, be exclusive, sleep over. But next day? Lets be detached! Terrific..... I know there are other girls out there. It just felt like I had the one. Im SURE I'm the first person on this website to say that (cough) haha. Thanks for all the help kind internet world !
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