Do guys come back once they are ready for a relationship?

[yellowrose08]

Hello everyone,

 

I was seeing the most perfect guy for 2 months... he was the loveliest, kindest man I have ever been with. We met online and straight away from our first date we were texting everyday and seeing each other several times a week.

 

He couldnt get enough of me, I rarely initiated meet ups, it was always him saying he wanted to see me and making plans for day trips ect....

I met his family and had dinner with them often. He would always talk about things in the future like places he wanted to take me in a few weeks and blah blah...

 

He would always message me, never distant, always lovely and affectionate. I thought yes this is going so well!!

 

He is 25 and was in a 7 year relationship from the age of 17-24, which he ended because he didnt feel the same anymore. He has been out of that relationship for about 8 months. He has dated girls but not had a relationship since. He told me how he usually gets scared off after a few dates and cant commit, but with me it was different and he felt so connected and comfortable with me. He told me he wanted a relationship but just wanted to take it slow.

 

I wasnt too worried, i was happy to get to know eachother slowly and as he always wanted to see me and he seemed like he couldnt get enough of me, i felt confident a relationship would naturally evolve!

 

However a week ago, out of the blue he has ended it with me. He was crying and saying how 'perfect' i am and how he doesnt want to lose me or regret it but that he just isnt ready for a relationship right now. He said its nothing ive done and how hes never been with a girl whos treated him so well before, but that he can see that im falling for him and have 'love in my eyes' and he just cant give me the serious relationship i want.

He said he feels he needs to sort out his career and what he wants to do in life and that he feels unsettled in his own mind and he needs to sort out his own head.

 

He was saying how it was a 'pause' not a goodbye and he still wanted to talk. I said he couldnt just pick me and up drop me. I said about giving him his stuff and he said to keep hold of it as an excuse to see eachother again. He wanted to kiss me and i said no. I said i dont know if we can be friends. We both were crying and he kept saying he was 'being careful about what he was saying' because he didnt want to lose me.

 

Later that day he messaged me to say sorry for upsetting me and sorry for his stupid head and that im an incredible girl. I told him i was thankful for his honesty and that i want to give him time to be ready but dont want to wait on false hope. He then told me he didnt want things up in the air and so i should move on and that he wont be in contact for a while but "who knows what the future will bring us when the time is right"

 

I didnt reply to his last message for 5 days. I basically said a goodbye and said thanks for a wonderful time together and if he ever is ready for a relationship then to get in touch but otherwise i know i have to move forward.

 

He replied saying i have to let go of him and that he wont be messaging me again but when im ready i can contact him if i want.

 

I asked him if he actually didnt want a relationship or just didnt want one with me.... he said he doesnt want one at all right now because he just cant commit, but that also he felt like i had stronger feelings to him than he did me but he thinks that was purely because he realised he wasnt ready for a relationship like he thought.

 

I asked what he wanted to do about swapping our stuff. He said we could meet in a few weeks for lunch to exchange bits. He also said he still wants to chat but understands why we cant at the moment.

He then said 'this isnt the last you will hear from me so a speak soon is in order!' I told him to contact me in 1 month with the specific date and we can talk about exchanging bits then as we both need space. He said its in the diary, speak soon.

 

 

I feel like he genuinely does care about me, he wouldnt have cried when he ended it if it wasnt a hard thing to do. But he is gi ing me mixed messages! Saying he wont message me and then saying its not the last i'll hear of him?!

 

Do you think once he has sorted out his career he would come and find me?? Should i meet him for lunch in a month? I dont want to let go but when he is giving me scraps of hope i cant help it

[LydiaLong]

Invariably, when a man says he's not ready to commit, what it really means is that he's not ready to stop dating other women. When he perceived that you were 'falling in love' with him, that was a signal to end it. He probably does like you a lot, but he's not willing to go through the drama of explaining to you that he wants other women as well.

 

Nothing more, nothing less. Don't count on him to be suddenly available to you. Give him his stuff back and move on.

[PegNosePete]

I asked him if he actually didnt want a relationship or just didnt want one with me.... he said he doesnt want one at all right now

Of course he said that. They all say that. Whether it's true or not, you'll never know.

 

It seems to me that he's putting you on the back burner for a while, while he checks out other options. If the other girl turns out better he will stick with her. If not, he will come back to you. And he's given himself 1 month to decide.

 

Should i meet him for lunch in a month?

No, you should tell him that you don't want his stuff clogging up your home for the next month or more. You should put it all in a box, and tell him to pop round after work one day and you can hand the box over. No inviting in for a coffee, no chats, just hand the box over and say goodbye.

 

And then begin NC.

Edited April 19, 2016 by PegNosePete

[yellowrose08]

He told me that it isn't because he wants to 'get with loads of other girls' because he said he isn't interested in that. I think it is naive of me to think he won't be checking out the market though

He said he doesnt want a relationship with anyone, but i cant help but feel if you liked the girl enough then that would automatically make you 'ready' for a relationship?

[yellowrose08]

It seems to me that he's putting you on the back burner for a while, while he checks out other options. If the other girl turns out better he will stick with her. If not, he will come back to you. And he's given himself 1 month to decide.

 

.

 

I was the one who said the 1 month NC because i hoped that would give me time to get over him enough to see him and give him his stuff. Although i must admit having a specific date set that I know he will contact me on is helping me get through each day of missing him.

He hasnt got any other girls on the go, I know he wasnt talking to anyone else but yeah, doesnt mean he isnt curious. I guess after being in a relationship for so long so young maybe he doesnt want to tie himself down again

[keiji]

He told me that it isn't because he wants to 'get with loads of other girls' because he said he isn't interested in that.

 

Not everything that is said is true. I'm not encouraging you to mistrust humanity as a whole or anything, but I've also said certain things to soften the blow when I broke up with someone. Fortunately, not many people like hurting others on purpose. Hence, we lie.

 

I'd go NC immediately if I were you. Otherwise, you're probably bound to get hurt.

[266696687]

He told me that it isn't because he wants to 'get with loads of other girls' because he said he isn't interested in that. I think it is naive of me to think he won't be checking out the market though

He said he doesnt want a relationship with anyone, but i cant help but feel if you liked the girl enough then that would automatically make you 'ready' for a relationship?

 

Yeah I'm sorry but you know deep down what the truth is and this guy is very good at spinning you crap in order to keep you hoping.

 

Look he isn't ready for a relationship translated means he has already decided that you are not the woman for him long term. He ended it as soon as he saw your feelings for him had grown but his determination to keep in touch or be friends shows what his real intentions are for you. He is simply downgrading you from girlfriend material to FWB. He probably already has his eye on someone else and is letting you down gently while keeping you just interested enough by ending things the way he did to leave the door open to return should his new interest not pan out.

 

He is attempting now to string you along. This includes intentionally not picking up his stuff to remind you he still exists. you can't move on with his stuff all around you.

 

You need to let this guy go. Get his stuff back to him and go NC.

 

If he wanted a relationship with you he would be in one. He is downgrading you slowly. I bet he will be in touch soon enough for some no strings sex if he doesn't find some elsewhere. This could show up under the guise of any sort of meet up. Drinks, coffee or even dinner. Once a guy says I'm not ready for a relationship it's time to cut them loose because nothing you do or say is going to change that. He had already made up his mind. Hence why he ended things.

[Zahara]

I feel like he genuinely does care about me, he wouldnt have cried when he ended it if it wasnt a hard thing to do. But he is gi ing me mixed messages! Saying he wont message me and then saying its not the last i'll hear of him?!

 

Do you think once he has sorted out his career he would come and find me?? Should i meet him for lunch in a month? I dont want to let go but when he is giving me scraps of hope i cant help it

 

He may care for you but not enough to want a relationship with you. Yes, they cry and sometimes out of guilt or to exhibit their care and difficulty in letting you go to lessen the blow you're feeling. Regardless, crying doesn't change the fact that he wants to move on.

 

You should not meet him for lunch. You should box his stuff and send it off. Then you should cut all contact. Otherwise you'll be left in indefinite limbo as he uses you as a crutch to transition to the other side. He is giving you scraps for a reason -- to keep you as a fallback.

 

This was a 2 month relationship -- best to suffer your pain now rather than prolong the inevitable.

[elaine567]

People are essentially cowards, he doesn't want a relationship with you, yet he is scared if he ditched you completely he will not be able to get anyone else.

So he wants to remain "friends" so he can hang around and even have sex with you every now and again if he wants to, and he can pick it up again if no-one else interesting shows up.

 

All this "who knows what the future will bring us when the time is right", prevents you going into complete meltdown, and is more about protecting himself from your anger and bile at being dumped by him, than something he truly believes.

How can you be angry at a man who says he wants to remain friends and in the future you can be together?

 

But it is all BS, do not wait around, he is not waiting for you believe me.

[kztar]

Girl, he is young and just starting to live adulthood. He was in a 7 year relationship. He wants to explore as many options as possible.

 

He may like you but that won't change the fact that he wants to explore other options. With that being said i'd go NC to avoid future heartache.

[mightycpa]

When men are ready to commit, it is because they have found that rare mixture of the right woman and the right time. If you're the right woman who comes along at the wrong time, you're not likely to be the right woman at the right time. One his mind rejects you for whatever reason, you're usually stuck with that assessment. For you, it will never be the right time.

 

I think you should give up on this one, and be comforted by the fact that there's lots of great guys out there. Pass on the friendship, it will only slow you down.

[edel]

He told me that it isn't because he wants to 'get with loads of other girls' because he said he isn't interested in that. I think it is naive of me to think he won't be checking out the market though

He said he doesnt want a relationship with anyone, but i cant help but feel if you liked the girl enough then that would automatically make you 'ready' for a relationship?

 

 

I had an ex a couple of years ago who told me the exact same thing. That 'he isn't ready yet' even though he loves me and even though I'm the only woman for him, that he just needs some time for himself and that he isn't the type of guy who'd be looking for other women.

 

I believed him. He came back, but later I found he started dating another girl just DAYS after he broke up with me. He dated her for almost two months, then he came back to me. After I snooped around I also found out that he's been trying to meet other girls than her as well, but it seemed like that didn't work out. So yea, basically after finding out the truth I dumped him.

 

I wouldn't believe your guy either. We make up way too many excuses for ex-partners and their behavior, and it just shouldn't be that hard. If a man really wants to be with you he will be, and he won't just break up because he isn't ready to commit or needs some time alone. I'm pretty sure this guy is bull****ting you, and you shouldn't stick around waiting for him to come back and settle for you, you deserve better than that.

[LydiaLong]

I'd be willing to spring for the postage to mail it back to him. I wouldn't want him near me again.

[JuanDelToro]

Let me give you the perspective from the side of the `perpetrator` as i am personally guilty of doing exactly the same thing to not one but three women in a row.

 

After the end of a serious LTR of 4 years, i immediately went on a dating spree that went on for almost a year, during which i met and dated several women, among them i came across three that i actually liked very very much. The problem though was that i was still hurting from my breakup, my ex was stuck in my head and i kept projecting her on these other girls.

But of course they were different than her and that felt very strange, so i had that constant feeling that something was missing. That in itself, was amplifying my pain even more. I didn`t share these thoughts and feelings with them, instead i`d go on pointing out how great they were and giving them all the signs that i was serious in being with them. I was not doing this in order to mislead them or use them but rather for the sole reason that i was under a state of denial and great confusion.

 

It`d take 4-6 weeks before my mind would agree with reality that they were not my ex. Once that happened, a flood wave of negative feelings would come rushing in. Disappointment, anger, frustration, guilt and a feeling of entrapment which would lead to an even greater feeling of wanting to escape. It was overwhelming. As a result i would go ahead and end things abruptly. Many false excuses followed as why i ended things out of not wanting to reveal the real reasons, because for the most part i was embarrassed and angry with myself for dwelling in the past.

 

So, you have to understand that it is not you, you`re not the problem, he is and his mental state. Unfortunately you cannot fix things or apply tactics to help him see things from a different perspective. He`s stuck chasing dragons until he`ll process his issues and sort things out on his own. That will take time, during which you have to be selfish. Avoid all contact (he`s toxic right now), learn from this experience and give your best (meaning; making the decision and you fully commit yourself) in moving on.

 

As a final advise i would say this. Don`t live your life in hope of future reconciliation, instead accept the possibility.

[yellowrose08]

Let me give you the perspective from the side of the `perpetrator` as i am personally guilty of doing exactly the same thing to not one but three women in a row.

 

After the end of a serious LTR of 4 years, i immediately went on a dating spree that went on for almost a year, during which i met and dated several women, among them i came across three that i actually liked very very much. The problem though was that i was still hurting from my breakup, my ex was stuck in my head and i kept projecting her on these other girls.

But of course they were different than her and that felt very strange, so i had that constant feeling that something was missing. That in itself, was amplifying my pain even more. I didn`t share these thoughts and feelings with them, instead i`d go on pointing out how great they were and giving them all the signs that i was serious in being with them. I was not doing this in order to mislead them or use them but rather for the sole reason that i was under a state of denial and great confusion.

 

It`d take 4-6 weeks before my mind would agree with reality that they were not my ex. Once that happened, a flood wave of negative feelings would come rushing in. Disappointment, anger, frustration, guilt and a feeling of entrapment which would lead to an even greater feeling of wanting to escape. It was overwhelming. As a result i would go ahead and end things abruptly. Many false excuses followed as why i ended things out of not wanting to reveal the real reasons, because for the most part i was embarrassed and angry with myself for dwelling in the past.

 

So, you have to understand that it is not you, you`re not the problem, he is and his mental state. Unfortunately you cannot fix things or apply tactics to help him see things from a different perspective. He`s stuck chasing dragons until he`ll process his issues and sort things out on his own. That will take time, during which you have to be selfish. Avoid all contact (he`s toxic right now), learn from this experience and give your best (meaning; making the decision and you fully commit yourself) in moving on.

 

As a final advise i would say this. Don`t live your life in hope of future reconciliation, instead accept the possibility.

 

He ended it with his ex though because he didn't feel the same anymore, so why would he still be habouring hurt over it?

Did you ever reach out to any of the girls you had really liked once you sorted your head out? And what made you become ready for a relationship?

[tgolf96]

Hello everyone,

 

I was seeing the most perfect guy for 2 months... he was the loveliest, kindest man I have ever been with. We met online and straight away from our first date we were texting everyday and seeing each other several times a week.

 

He couldnt get enough of me, I rarely initiated meet ups, it was always him saying he wanted to see me and making plans for day trips ect....

I met his family and had dinner with them often. He would always talk about things in the future like places he wanted to take me in a few weeks and blah blah...

 

He would always message me, never distant, always lovely and affectionate. I thought yes this is going so well!!

 

He is 25 and was in a 7 year relationship from the age of 17-24, which he ended because he didnt feel the same anymore. He has been out of that relationship for about 8 months. He has dated girls but not had a relationship since. He told me how he usually gets scared off after a few dates and cant commit, but with me it was different and he felt so connected and comfortable with me. He told me he wanted a relationship but just wanted to take it slow.

 

I wasnt too worried, i was happy to get to know eachother slowly and as he always wanted to see me and he seemed like he couldnt get enough of me, i felt confident a relationship would naturally evolve!

 

However a week ago, out of the blue he has ended it with me. He was crying and saying how 'perfect' i am and how he doesnt want to lose me or regret it but that he just isnt ready for a relationship right now. He said its nothing ive done and how hes never been with a girl whos treated him so well before, but that he can see that im falling for him and have 'love in my eyes' and he just cant give me the serious relationship i want.

He said he feels he needs to sort out his career and what he wants to do in life and that he feels unsettled in his own mind and he needs to sort out his own head.

 

He was saying how it was a 'pause' not a goodbye and he still wanted to talk. I said he couldnt just pick me and up drop me. I said about giving him his stuff and he said to keep hold of it as an excuse to see eachother again. He wanted to kiss me and i said no. I said i dont know if we can be friends. We both were crying and he kept saying he was 'being careful about what he was saying' because he didnt want to lose me.

 

Later that day he messaged me to say sorry for upsetting me and sorry for his stupid head and that im an incredible girl. I told him i was thankful for his honesty and that i want to give him time to be ready but dont want to wait on false hope. He then told me he didnt want things up in the air and so i should move on and that he wont be in contact for a while but "who knows what the future will bring us when the time is right"

 

I didnt reply to his last message for 5 days. I basically said a goodbye and said thanks for a wonderful time together and if he ever is ready for a relationship then to get in touch but otherwise i know i have to move forward.

 

He replied saying i have to let go of him and that he wont be messaging me again but when im ready i can contact him if i want.

 

I asked him if he actually didnt want a relationship or just didnt want one with me.... he said he doesnt want one at all right now because he just cant commit, but that also he felt like i had stronger feelings to him than he did me but he thinks that was purely because he realised he wasnt ready for a relationship like he thought.

 

I asked what he wanted to do about swapping our stuff. He said we could meet in a few weeks for lunch to exchange bits. He also said he still wants to chat but understands why we cant at the moment.

He then said 'this isnt the last you will hear from me so a speak soon is in order!' I told him to contact me in 1 month with the specific date and we can talk about exchanging bits then as we both need space. He said its in the diary, speak soon.

 

 

I feel like he genuinely does care about me, he wouldnt have cried when he ended it if it wasnt a hard thing to do. But he is gi ing me mixed messages! Saying he wont message me and then saying its not the last i'll hear of him?!

 

Do you think once he has sorted out his career he would come and find me?? Should i meet him for lunch in a month? I dont want to let go but when he is giving me scraps of hope i cant help it

 

Hi there, I just got out of a relationship that lasted 6 months and broke up 4 months ago and I'm not ready to commit to anything. I don't think that it's something to hold on to because maybe it'll never happen. The chances are it'll be another 6 month to a year before he might feel emotionally ready. If it's meant to be it'll be. I wouldn't hold on though.