fitgirl52 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) It has been almost a year since I (25 yo) broke up with my ex-boyfriend (26 yo). We were together for a little over five years. He was my first love, my first serious relationship, my first intimate partner. It was a one-sided break-up. It was an extremely toxic relationship filled with trust issues, possessiveness and jealousy. Basically to sum up our relationship, when things were great, it was amazing, but when it was bad, it was deadly. I always knew this, but he have always seem to be in denial that we were toxic, thus, I was the one to break it off. And even now, he is trying to get us to be together. We started dating when we were 19 years old. We have shared some of the best memories together: turning 21, going to to our first bar, traveling, working through his one year deployment, me going to college 1 hour away from home, living on our own, and basically growing through adulthood together. His deployment of 1 year was one of the toughest part of our relationship. More so when we returned home than away. It took 6+ months for us to even begin to work through the problems together. He suffered minor ptsd that he wasn’t aware of. He went to counseling once a month, but it didn’t help much. So he stopped and things eventually went back to “normal.” It was some of the loneliest time for me, while in a relationship. I have definitely have not been the same since. There has been this unspoken understanding between us that we just understand the pain without speaking. I’ve always felt like because of this traumatic experience, it has made moving on so much more difficult. But I could be wrong. Because I’ve always been told that your first love is the deepest and one of the hardest to get over. I have done everything advised for getting through a break-up. I have been keeping myself busy with friends, physical activity, socializing, going to work, etc. I’ve completed two half marathons in less than a year, and now going on my third. I’ve never even participated in one prior to this. I spend time either at the gym/running outdoors at least 4x a week. I even go hiking with friends on the weekends. I’ve removed him from all my social media accounts. All the gifts/pictures with/from him are all out of sight. I’ve made tons of traveling plans, birthday plans, weekend plans, summer plans to fill up my schedule and STILL, i feel like i’m not doing enough. Everywhere I go, everything I do, it’s like he’s there, in the back of my mind. I can’t even completely cut him out of my life as we share some mutual friends, go to the same gym, and live in the same city. The pain of our break-up have diluted by at least 50%, yet, i still have a hard time falling asleep. I use to be able to sleep for 8 hours, but now, I’m lucky if I get 5-6 hours. I’m so tired all the time. My mind never feels rested. I have developed anxiety since our break-up and it would act up sometimes when I think about him. I broke up with him even though I really wanted to be with him, but seeing that he can never be fully committed at the time, it was better to move on than to be together without a future. A couple of months ago, we met up to talk and to discuss some issues in our relationship for closure. He really wanted to try our relationship again because after these few months apart, he realized our relationship’s worth and it is clear that it was me that he wanted to be with. Of course I disagree to the idea of even trying again. I’m too emotionally exhausted. And even more so, so much has happened between us in this one year that it would be too difficult to pick up where we left off. But he haven’t stopped trying and it has been really difficult to get him to understand. So I guess my questions is: Is it harder to move on because he’s my first love, or is it because we’ve shared the experience of a deployment where no one we know will ever come close to understanding? Or is it because we still both carry hope that we can make it work again as a result of having broken up before and gotten back together? I have a hard time letting go, but i’m not sure what it is that I’m doing wrong. I feel like I'll never be able to let go until I know he's moved on and seeing someone new. As a way for me to know that he's completely given up - even though he was never really all there. Edited April 19, 2016 by fitgirl52
Boomerangmagnet Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 One of the most difficult things for me in terms of breaking up is putting a predetermined amount time frame in how I will feel. Then not feeling the way I was expecting to feel after that amount of time. Thus feeling like not only can I not have a successful relationship, but I can't get over it like I thought I could. No one can put more pressure on you than yourself. Lighten the load you are putting on yourself.
Arieswoman Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 fitgirl52, I am sorry things didn't work out for you and believe me I know how much it can hurt. There is no predetermined set of time for processing and coming to terms with emotional breakups, it's a very individual experience. Never compare yourself to others. IMO anyone who can move on quickly from a breakup wasn't that invested in the first place. All I can say is take time out. Be kind to yourself. Go with the flow and let the feelings come out. If you feel like you are being overwhelmed then get into some counselling or talking therapy. You can get over this and move on to love again. Just don't rush. Good luck. x
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