risjurad Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Dating pool is rather awful being in a remote and small-ish town. However, that's where the job is at. I've met a lady that I believe is single, but she's a 3 hour car trip away. I'd like to hear some advice from anybody who's had any bit of luck on how to make long distance dating work. Stuff to avoid, stuff I should look out for, etc.
TheArtist Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You believe she's single or she is single? That's the starting point. Have you spoken on the phone? That's the next one. LDR is hard but if you're both committed then it can work, but not until you've at least covered my first two points!
PegNosePete Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Make sure you meet before getting too committed. An ALR is pointless if it isn't going to become a RL relationship at some point. If that's the case then make sure to meet up sooner rather than later so you know whether you get on in real life or not. People can come across very differently online than real life.
salparadise Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Tips for long distance dating based on my experience: avoid if possible; it's a pain in the assthey have to be worth it and then someeven-steven on travel and expensesboth need flexible schedules- 48hrs doesn't justify the travel children make it difficult - custody schedules must alignboth must be dedicated and trust implicitlyit can't continue forever- someone has to move or it's just a flingonly works with high agreeableness- don't try with difficult peopleit forces you to progress fast and make quick decisionssmall issues are magnified; great sex is necessary Mine lasted 18 months. I now date someone who lives 12 minutes away. Much better. Edited January 8, 2016 by salparadise 1
Lois_Griffin Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Biggest tip - NOTHING is real until you actually meet and verify they are who they say they are. Watch the Catfish show. You'll see just how many people are duped intro online 'romances' only to find out the person they thought they loved was someone of the same gender pretending to be the opposite gender, or a bored 56 year old housewife in Ohio pretending to be a hot 23 year old, etc. etc. It ain't real until you know them.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Three hours is not insurmountable & IMO, not really long distance more like geographically undesirable because getting together requires planning. Do keep in touch during the week. Vary who comes to whom so one person isn't burdened by all the driving. If you want to be chivalrous about it, as the guy, you can go to her more in the beginning. The person who is hosting needs to be conscious of the effort & expense (gas, time, wear & tear on the car) the other went through to get there so that person needs to pay when the traveler shows up. Be wary of somebody who always wants you to come to them & never wants to come by you. Although if they live in the big metropolis where there is stuff to do & you live in the boonies, you will probably go there more. Think about logistics of work if you are considering long term / closing the gap. If you both work in the opposite direction of the other somebody will probably have to change jobs but those considerations are at least a year out.
DontBreakEven Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I'm doing the same thing right now, except mine is a 4.5 hour car ride away. (Same deal ... small town ... feel like I've dated everyone that I want to here, etc). So I get it. I do suggest meeting in person very early on to make sure you're into it. This is where my situation has gotten hard: We met, and although I wasn't turned off by any means, it wasn't exactly what I was hoping, so now I'm in a weird situation. I want to see her again and see what is there, but that really isn't that easy when it's a 5 hour car ride to go out for drinks. So now I'm in a pickle ... cut my losses, or set up a time to see her again and see if more will being able to come of it. In the meantime, I have to wait for that. Not easy. I guess that's why the say, LDRs are not easy.
Author risjurad Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 More info... I've already met her IRL at a shopping mall. This was back in Aug. I called her again around Oct. I probably should've been earlier and more frequent with calling her, but 1) I did let that slip, and 2) she ended up talking for quite a bit that I didn't know how get around that. 3 hours was a bit long to just "drop in", but if I do ask her out, I'll need to be sure to make it clear it's a date.
salparadise Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 There are a couple of awkward problems, esp. in the beginning. Three hours there and three hours back, plus a few hours talking, having lunch or drinks is a full day––big commitment for a lunch date. Part A. Do not make the mistake of being the only half of the equation who devotes time, mileage, pays for dates, etc., at least not after the first time or two. There are people who will allow you to do all of this without being invested, because it's easy and costs them nothing. But if she's doing half of the driving, time and costs then you do know, at least for this moment, that she values the relationship potential enough to make the same sacrifices you are. Part B. Unless you're perfectly happy making a three hour return trip after midnight, in order to have a real date you need to get past the staying over threshold pretty quick. Sure, you could book a hotel room, but that's just more unilateral investment (reference Part A). You could easily end up spending five hundred dollars on travel, accommodations and the date itself. If she's one of those who believes a relationship must progress before you're allowed to sleep under the same roof (even in a guest room or on the couch), beware. The best policy is don't do it. I met someone online once who seemed attractive and enthusiastic. I made the first trip to see her for a lunch date, then drove home... full day driving for about two hours of face time. We talked afterward and decided on a visit the following weekend. She offered to drive to my town- so far, so good. Plans set. I offered her the guest room but she wasn't comfortable staying in my place. She asked about hotels nearby. I sent recommendations. What she actually expected was that I would book and pay for her hotel room; two nights, about $370. I could sense that she was twitchy, and sure enough she canceled on the day she was supposed to arrive. She was willing to explore the possibility on my dime, but not hers. The expectation was a one-way deal. I think she was shopping for a lifestyle upgrade anyway. Bzzzzt. The point is that a lot of stuff has to align just right- much more so than dating someone nearby. 1
oldshirt Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 honestly, the best realistic advice anyone can give about dating is find someone closer or move to an area that has more prospects. The only LDR worth trying to maintain IMHO is where there was an established happy, healthy relationship and one of the parties had to relocate on a temporary basis with plans of returning and resuming the relationship. Everything else is just spitting in the wind and taking time and energy away from finding a real face to face relationship in the real, physical world where you are. IMHO there are a lot of people that use LDRs as their excuse for not getting out and putting in the time and effort to find a real relationship. Don't be one of those people.
Author risjurad Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 honestly, the best realistic advice anyone can give about dating is find someone closer or move to an area that has more prospects. The only LDR worth trying to maintain IMHO is where there was an established happy, healthy relationship and one of the parties had to relocate on a temporary basis with plans of returning and resuming the relationship. Everything else is just spitting in the wind and taking time and energy away from finding a real face to face relationship in the real, physical world where you are. IMHO there are a lot of people that use LDRs as their excuse for not getting out and putting in the time and effort to find a real relationship. Don't be one of those people. So either way, I'm back to square one. There really isn't much left in town. They're either married, have kids, or are kids. I have no clue if the ones in town I talked with via dating apps were "just looking", or genuinely turned off by something. Most I've gotten were a few messages exchanged. Mostly, no response. There's also the annoyance that anything you do in town will pretty much be known to others in due time (even if they may not be "jugdey" about that) I don't mind putting the time out for a relationship. Unfortunately, I have no experience with LDR. However, I need to consider all of my options, so one reason for this post is to get any advice I can. There is a town that's 1.5 hours nearby, but even that's still a lot for some folks. I choose the 3 hour thing b/c I at least met somebody IRL. I can see myself moving, but I don't know when that'll be. Thanks for all the responses thus far! (Of course, including this one that I directly responded to)
DontBreakEven Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 The only LDR worth trying to maintain IMHO is where there was an established happy, healthy relationship and one of the parties had to relocate on a temporary basis with plans of returning and resuming the relationship. Everything else is just spitting in the wind and taking time and energy away from finding a real face to face relationship in the real, physical world where you are. I don't really agree with this much at all.
Author risjurad Posted April 18, 2016 Author Posted April 18, 2016 (edited) I tried to get a date, but it failed miserably. Sequence of events is below. Would appreciate input as always... 1) 8 Months ago, I met girl while at a mall. Talked with her, she seemed to show interest. Talked about health insurance, how her family likes to gamble at Vegas, etc. Just trying to get to know her better. 2) 1 month later (7 months ago), I called her, talked with her about 20 minutes. Nothing seemed to stand out, but nothing was amiss either. 3) I got busy with work, and didn't really call nor contact her. Didn't set up a date either. Problem is, she lives about 3 hours away, so it's not like I could just "hop on over". (And yes, I have posted that the dating options in my hometown are limited, so while I will try to keep an eye out there, I need to at least consider LDR to keep as many options open as possible). I'm thinking I should've been calling her at least once a month, just to keep up communications. I'm always going to busy with one thing or another, so I'd better at do a better job of setting aside such time. I'm also thinking perhaps ask if she was single and available at this point? It's possible she could change her mind in the future, or have a bf at that point, but if she wasn't available, that would've saved both of us time. 4) When I did need to visit her neck of the woods, I called her when it was 1.5 weeks out, and she hung up immediately. I tried calling her again, but her voice mail was full (I've encountered this even when it was 7 months prior, so I don't suspect this was "deliberately done against me"). She left a txt that she was in a meeting. 3 days later, I texted that I'd like to take her to lunch when I'm in town, and if she was available. 5) Then she txt-ed back asking who I was. Followed by not to contact her. 6) I explained that we met 8 months ago at that mall. I even sent her a selfie of myself just to show I wasn't some random person. She responded the same to not contact her, else she'll inform the police. . I'm not sure what to make of this. Cases include: ....she really did forget who I was, I came on too strong, and she got freaked out. I don't recall if she ever recorded my number in her address book when we first met in person. If not, then of course it would just appear to be a random number, as opposed to an known contact. I'm not sure how I could've approached this better (besides the part about keeping in touch better and more frequently)... just contacting her without mentioning if she wanted to grab lunch, and to reintroduce myself first, and making sure that's on solid footing before moving on? ....she still remembered me, but was pissed at me for some reason or another. I could be direct and ask her, but if she was pissed enough anyways, she'd likely threaten to inform the police anyways, and yeah, probably follow up on that. Edited April 18, 2016 by risjurad formatting, details
dumbass2 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Absolutely do not contact her again. She's done. She knew who you were and wants nothing to do with you. She probably felt ghosted by you when you never contacted for so long. I've never even tried to do a LDR and never will. If you are going to do it, then I'm pretty sure more communication with her and trying to see her more often might have kept things going a bit, but in the end, it is awfully tough IMO to do the LDR thing. Again, move on from her and do not contact her again and work on the communication part. 1
Author risjurad Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 Now she's saying I keyed her car and I owe her some money? Can't tell if she's being serious or not.
PegNosePete Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 She's nuts. Block her in all ways possible and move on. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Phoning up a girl at random that you met 8 months earlier, and had barely talked to and asking for a lunch date is pretty weird IMO. And who tried to pick up a girl by talking about health insurance? lol Anyway yeah, I don't know if you said something to freak her out, tough to say by what you've posted here. 2
Author risjurad Posted April 20, 2016 Author Posted April 20, 2016 Phoning up a girl at random that you met 8 months earlier, and had barely talked to and asking for a lunch date is pretty weird IMO. And who tried to pick up a girl by talking about health insurance? lol Anyway yeah, I don't know if you said something to freak her out, tough to say by what you've posted here. If it makes any difference, she steered the conversation that way.
d0nnivain Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 At this point you need to take her at her word that if you contact her again she will call the police. Even if you did not key her car, you don't need the hassle of defending yourself again such charges. Stay away. Going forward don't wait so long with the next person you meet. Upon meeting somebody, especially if the prospects where you live are so dismal, make a date within the 1st 2 weeks.
jamie12 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 If somebody tries to contact me after 8 months I'd think he a bit werid! And act the same way, especially if its someone I've seen only once. You are talking about a relationship? I don't get it...she blew you off and you were never on a date why? You wrote too long post about some stranger I think you need someone closer and someone who likes you
Author risjurad Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) If somebody tries to contact me after 8 months I'd think he a bit werid! And act the same way, especially if its someone I've seen only once. You are talking about a relationship? I don't get it...she blew you off and you were never on a date why? You wrote too long post about some stranger I think you need someone closer and someone who likes you In hindsight, I should've asked her out sooner, sucked it up, and just took a weekend trip then. I did forget about it, and to be fair, would've followed up on it sooner were it not for the distance. Edited April 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Recommended Posts