The Men with All the Compliments

[selinaluv]

Hello,

 

So as I get back into this online dating thing, most men I encounter are very quick to throw out words like "beautiful" "gorgeous" "stunning" right off the bat even before they meet me. I am talking like 95% of them, often in the opening email.

 

This is not me building myself up, though I'd like to think I am attractive and have nice photos, but them throwing out the compliments a little too freely. Most of the time I ignore, but even if they don't right away, they eventually say something.

 

At first I was flattered and slightly put off. Over time this has made me uncomfortable and insecure because if the first date does not progress I feel part of the reason is because I did not live up to their expectations of "gorgeous" and "stunning". My photos are of me unfiltered, smiling, full-body shots, the whole thing, so I know what they see is what they get. But it can still get someone down over time.

 

My question is how do other women feel when men do this? Are they buttering us up?

 

Is it best to write these men off? Are they coming off too familiar with the "illusion" of who they think you are? And if so, that is writing off many...

[dreamingoftigers]

In my case, I just think they must be delusional or think I'm easy. Because I'm a fat old hag.

 

Otherwise, I would think that they are responding to their first impression of you, which would be they think you are at the very least pretty.

 

I think you are reading a little much into it for it to generate so much insecurity.

 

Furthermore, I think women are much harder on themselves about their appearance than men are. I used to work with this girl I thought was pretty average, but the guys in the mall would practically fall all over themselves trying to get with her. She couldn't figure it out. LOL. I worked with another girl who kept her appearance well, bit I wouldn't say "stunning" but again, guys were all over her.

 

I think that maybe there's a few niche things guys are into, or a certain vibe girls give off. Who knows?

[losangelena]

I doubt they're being disingenuous, but "you're gorgeous," doesn't always equate to, "I want to date you." Everyone's got something of a failure rate; no one bats 100.

 

These men probably do find you stunning, gorgeous, whatever, but don't be naive—I'm sure they say that right off the bat in an attempt to flatter you or get you to go out with you. Doesn't mean it's an untrue sentiment. Don't hinge so much of your datability on your looks. Be discerning and figure out which of these men YOU like the most, and don't worry why the rest flake.

[selinaluv]

In my case, I just think they must be delusional or think I'm easy. Because I'm a fat old hag.

 

Otherwise, I would think that they are responding to their first impression of you, which would be they think you are at the very least pretty.

 

I think you are reading a little much into it for it to generate so much insecurity.

 

Furthermore, I think women are much harder on themselves about their appearance than men are. I used to work with this girl I thought was pretty average, but the guys in the mall would practically fall all over themselves trying to get with her. She couldn't figure it out. LOL. I worked with another girl who kept her appearance well, bit I wouldn't say "stunning" but again, guys were all over her.

 

I think that maybe there's a few niche things guys are into, or a certain vibe girls give off. Who knows?

 

Sure, that all makes sense and I agree we are often too hard on ourselves and see more into our appearances then they do.

 

And I don't want to make it about my insecurities so much as about them quickly reacting to what they see in images, building up something in their mind, and commenting on it before we even meet.

 

Or is it just a tactic to butter us up?

[selinaluv]

I doubt they're being disingenuous, but "you're gorgeous," doesn't always equate to, "I want to date you." Everyone's got something of a failure rate; no one bats 100.

 

These men probably do find you stunning, gorgeous, whatever, but don't be naive—I'm sure they say that right off the bat in an attempt to flatter you or get you to go out with you. Doesn't mean it's an untrue sentiment. Don't hinge so much of your datability on your looks. Be discerning and figure out which of these men YOU like the most, and don't worry why the rest flake.

 

Thank you. I will continue to try and keep this in mind. Dating has changed so much since before I was married (in my early 20's - 18 years ago) and because of the Tinders, etc. seems so much more looks driven.

 

I have to remind myself again that even though they react to a photo and it starts off so superficial, there is much more than that.

 

And I am starting to tell pretty quickly which ones are there to get to know me.

[Cinnamonstix]

As long as a guy is still attracted to you in person, the way you look in a photo doesn't really matter.

 

I actually would ignore the ones that focus on the way you look and go for the ones that try to get to know you or make you laugh. These are the ones who also more likely to take your personality into account more so than your body when you meet in person.

[katiegrl]

I think it's okay, but try to meet in person sooner rather than later... so as to avoid them building up a fantasy version of you based solely on your looks.

 

And when you do meet in person, IF they start love bombing you with all sorts of sweet talk, like you're so beautiful, so gorgeous, calling you "babe" "baby" or "sweetheart", making future plans...etc. within the first few dates.... run as fast as you can.

 

Such men are attempting to create a false intimacy most likely in an attempt to make you feel comfortable enough (or flattered enough) to have sex with them.

[five2nine]

They're being honest. I would love to get compliments like that but I do not because I'm average. So just know they're not saying it to butter you up or anything

[Lovelorn00]

When I was actively using OLD, I would frequently get messages that opened with words like "gorgeous" and "stunning." I get those compliments IRL, too, but I typically don't respond if it's online. In person, I'll only respond with a "thanks" and keep on moving. The messages that really pull me in are the ones that reference something that I've mentioned in my profile and mention nothing of my looks.

 

I suspect that, in your case, you're probably very attractive, but as katiegrl mentioned above, guys are quick to say this stuff to "butter us up." I think it's a bit of both, in your case. As far as flaking after the first date, I don't think that has anything to do with your looks and everything to do with the wacky world of online dating and the sheer concentration of flakes online.

[Cinnamonstix]

During my brief stint OLDing, I noticed the ones that would say that stuff to me often had some sort of red-flag in their profile (ie. they were looking for casual, didn't seem that smart, we didn't have much in common, etc.) or they were relentless with the messages.

[MoreAmore]

I would not bother responding to anyone who mentioned my appearance when I did online dating. Show you read my profile and that you care more about that than my looks.

As women, we get complimented about our looks so frequently, even for people like me who aren't that attractive. It has no real effect until later when we are interested in someone, so guys should try a different angle.

[Versacehottie]

I think when they say it so quickly up front, they are trying to "compete" and are saying what they think you want to hear. I also think it's likely in the range of true but yes a bit not genuine due to the motives and approach. I always have found that good guys don't say that right up front bc it will look cheesy or fake or like they have no real game. That said, maybe out drinking or partying when their inhibitions are down. But online dating, hmmmmm. It would read as kinda fake too me even if objectively it's true, which im sure it is. Or if they are reaching out of their league with you then bound to say it and a lot. Take with a grain of salt. Usually a guy who's into you and worth it will compliment you on your looks and other personality things. I especially think personality things if they are really trying to show they see u as relationship material and are interested in more than surface. Unless they want a trophy gf--but hopefully you're smart enough to weed those ones out. Good luck

[selinaluv]

I think it's okay, but try to meet in person sooner rather than later... so as to avoid them building up a fantasy version of you based solely on your looks.

 

One of my good friends actually started out as someone I dated last year. He admitted to me that he has a real problem with this and no one ever compares to how they present themselves in photos.

 

He claimed that people put their best pictures forward and sometimes looked for mates "out of their league". He said the reality never quite measured up.

 

He was putting the onus on the people he dated. He has a lot of personal issues, but the fault was actually on him for creating that false fantasy. I told him we are all human and will never always measure up to the ideal he created in his head.

[selinaluv]

When I was actively using OLD, I would frequently get messages that opened with words like "gorgeous" and "stunning." I get those compliments IRL, too, but I typically don't respond if it's online. In person, I'll only respond with a "thanks" and keep on moving. The messages that really pull me in are the ones that reference something that I've mentioned in my profile and mention nothing of my looks.

 

I suspect that, in your case, you're probably very attractive, but as katiegrl mentioned above, guys are quick to say this stuff to "butter us up." I think it's a bit of both, in your case. As far as flaking after the first date, I don't think that has anything to do with your looks and everything to do with the wacky world of online dating and the sheer concentration of flakes online.

 

I am always surprised by how many men think that this is all they have to do. While I am always attracted and compelled to the ones who actually say something witty that shows they read my profile.

 

And yes, this is a very flakey environment. Even after several dates it happens. You definitely learn to develop a thick skin.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Though I appreciate female outer beauty, I've spent my whole life listening to my inner feminist. I've always resented how men value women on physical appearance. As such, I've hardly EVER complimented women on their looks (unless I've been dating them for some time), because I haven't wanted them to feel valued only in this way. I genuinely value women for their minds, and always have. I can say with 100% certainty I've never once cast my eyes at anybody's cleavage whilst talking to them. I look women in their eyes.

 

BUT, and for me this is a big but, this has had a profoundly negative effect on my success with women because I could only ever stand at the sidelines witnessing the astonishing success of men who did compliment... absolutely seething that women couldn't see through it.

 

My reluctance to compliment extends even to workplace banter. A colleague might say to a woman "hello gorgeous", yet I cannot bring myself to do this in case it offends her, or she feels undervalued. However, in my experience, women always seem powerfully flattered when complimented on their looks.

 

I've recently been toying with trying compliments, because I've concluded women only want this (sub-consciously). As always, I'm perpetually confused reading this thread.

[Cinnamonstix]

Though I appreciate female outer beauty, I've spent my whole life listening to my inner feminist. I've always resented how men value women on physical appearance. As such, I've hardly EVER complimented women on their looks (unless I've been dating them for some time), because I haven't wanted them to feel valued only in this way. I genuinely value women for their minds, and always have. I can say with 100% certainty I've never once cast my eyes at anybody's cleavage whilst talking to them. I look women in their eyes.

 

BUT, and for me this is a big but, this has had a profoundly negative effect on my success with women because I could only ever stand at the sidelines witnessing the astonishing success of men who did compliment... absolutely seething that women couldn't see through it.

 

My reluctance to compliment extends even to workplace banter. A colleague might say to a woman "hello gorgeous", yet I cannot bring myself to do this in case it offends her, or she feels undervalued. However, in my experience, women always seem powerfully flattered when complimented on their looks.

 

I've recently been toying with trying compliments, because I've concluded women only want this (sub-consciously). As always, I'm perpetually confused reading this thread.

 

It's a balance. Lead by focusing on a woman's personality and then compliment her. It will feel more genuine and will mean more to her. Women do like to feel desired and beautiful. Men who walk around tossing out "hello gorgeous" to anyone lacking a P... way too greasy for me.

[selinaluv]

It's a balance. Lead by focusing on a woman's personality and then compliment her. It will feel more genuine and will mean more to her. Women do like to feel desired and beautiful. Men who walk around tossing out "hello gorgeous" to anyone lacking a P... way too greasy for me.

 

I definitely second this. It feels so generic and I often want to wonder... well what do they really think about me as a person.

 

And work? No I do not like that. I have had the occasional compliment, but it came from a genuine place, not a random "hello gorgeous" or whatever. That would not make me happy.

[Beachguy]

I would just accept the compliment and see where it goes it smells like too much effort and no substance. I don't OLD, I'm a finance business owner and have thousands of clients. I meet my clients employees and I sense a connection at least once a week with someone. I'm always a gentleman, always professional. I am a huge flirt but not over the top. If I used the compliments that you experienced on a woman, even if I felt that she was gorgeous; The compliment would probably be taken the wrong way. I reserve that type of compliment for a woman I'm madly in love with, a woman who was already in love with me. If a guy was gay yes he can throw that around, my brother is gay and I see that with his friends.

 

Then again maybe the OP is gorgeous and I would say the same thing, but not until I've had a few dinners with her.

[Otter2569]

As a guy who does the OLD thing I never do that. It just seems fake and over the top. Plus as we all know a pretty face does not always equal a pretty person.

 

I actually dated and slept with this really hot woman I met online because she said I actually used her name in emails / texts and didn't call her sexy, hot, gorgeous.

 

If everyone is saying that type of thing then I don't want to be like everyone else.

[joseb]

As a guy who does the OLD thing I never do that. It just seems fake and over the top. Plus as we all know a pretty face does not always equal a pretty person.

 

I actually dated and slept with this really hot woman I met online because she said I actually used her name in emails / texts and didn't call her sexy, hot, gorgeous.

 

If everyone is saying that type of thing then I don't want to be like everyone else.

Well I guess I'm in the 5% that don't too.

I have never in my life told someone on OLD they were beautiful, gorgeous or stunning. Even if I thought they were. Just seems over keen at best, or fake at worst.

 

And don't get me started on using pet names with virtual strangers. Makes me cringe!

[MoreAmore]

Though I appreciate female outer beauty, I've spent my whole life listening to my inner feminist. I've always resented how men value women on physical appearance. As such, I've hardly EVER complimented women on their looks (unless I've been dating them for some time), because I haven't wanted them to feel valued only in this way. \.

 

 

There's a line. Most people if it's something sincere from those whose opinion they care about like being told they're attractive, as well as other things. Just not some random stranger.

I could go into my Facebook other folder for a strange guy trying to compliment my looks every day. There's nothing believable about that.

[Larryville]

As a guy who does the OLD thing I never do that. It just seems fake and over the top. Plus as we all know a pretty face does not always equal a pretty person.

 

I have never in my life told someone on OLD they were beautiful, gorgeous or stunning. Even if I thought they were. Just seems over keen at best, or fake at worst.

 

I think when they say it so quickly up front, they are trying to "compete" and are saying what they think you want to hear.

 

When it comes to OLD if I come across a profile of a woman who is what I would deem universally “hot” and by that I mean pretty much any dude from across the spectrum taking into account we all have out hot buttons… The FIRST thing I think of is WTF is wrong with her.

 

If a woman is “hot” and she has been camped out on various OLD sites forever, there is a problem.

 

Women receive a boatload of emails and winks and all kinds of attention from dudes and I’m thinking you have your pick of dudes and you can’t find ONE!?

Of course certain women are going to get all kinds of “hey you are hot” comments but the dudes who continue to do that (without really knowing someone’s true character) clearly have no true intentions of anything of substance. Frankly those compliments should be earned.

 

I've always resented how men value women on physical appearance. As such, I've hardly EVER complimented women on their looks (unless I've been dating them for some time), because I haven't wanted them to feel valued only in this way. I genuinely value women for their minds, and always have. I can say with 100% certainty I've never once cast my eyes at anybody's cleavage whilst talking to them. I look women in their eyes.

 

Any guy who would freely and out of the blue go to the "physical" card will never totally value any woman in the long run. IMO

[selinaluv]

As a guy who does the OLD thing I never do that. It just seems fake and over the top. Plus as we all know a pretty face does not always equal a pretty person.

 

I actually dated and slept with this really hot woman I met online because she said I actually used her name in emails / texts and didn't call her sexy, hot, gorgeous.

 

If everyone is saying that type of thing then I don't want to be like everyone else.

 

Yes, when someone uses my name online and texting it going to get a much better reception than someone who uses a generic compliment.

 

Unfortunately using my name is a very rare occurrence. Eventually I start wondering how many other women are getting the same boring, generic text.

 

Oh and make sure you get the name right. I was recently texted with the wrong name.

[selinaluv]

Of course certain women are going to get all kinds of “hey you are hot” comments but the dudes who continue to do that (without really knowing someone’s true character) clearly have no true intentions of anything of substance. Frankly those compliments should be earned.

 

Any guy who would freely and out of the blue go to the "physical" card will never totally value any woman in the long run. IMO

 

I totally agree with this. But just because a woman gets several emails a day does not mean the quality of the emails are great and some are downright offensive.

[Shanex]

Good threads idea.

 

I've read many women profiles mentioning ''enough with the you're gorgeous, you're pretty when it's not you're ''hot''.

 

I'll second the person in this thread who wrote that it create fake intimacy, and guys being too forward.

 

Compliments are easy and cheap, and I'll use them after I started to know the lady Irl. Not randomly and out of the blue on a dating site even if she is indeed super pretty. She hear that all the time anyway. Distinct yourself.