Want to get back with ex but so lost..

[wish1]

So a little over a week ago my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me. We dated almost for a year and a half officially but were seeing each other on and off since we met, almost 3 years ago now.

 

He was older, 25, and I am 21. He graduated from school last year and I still have another year and a half before I am done. He still is unable to find a job with his degree and has been majorly depressed about it since the end of last summer. He worked part time jobs and lived at his mom's house about an hour away and then would visit me about every weekend this past fall. Once winter came around he was really committed to finding a job close to where I go to school and getting his own place, so in the mean time he stayed with me at my college apartment, paying me rent, for about 2 months.

 

Since he moved in with me we definitely got more irritated with one another because I was always at class or work and he only had part time work and spent a lot of time hanging out at my apartment. I expected a lot out of him which I feel like was probably wrong since I don't think I always showed how much I appreciated all of the things that he did for me. I think during this time we lost the joy that it was to spend such great quality time together and this is something I just realized since breaking up.

 

He broke up with me after a week of some intense (over dramatic) fighting and told me that he "didn't know if he was in love with me." We talked and forgave each other for the dumb fight and talked about how our relationship needed some TLC. The next day we went out to dinner and had a great time and the day following he texted me with pictures of chocolates he bought me and said he wished I was there and wasn't in class. I thought we were gonna move forward at this point. I came home that night from class and all of his stuff was out of my apartment and he said we were going to break up. I was/still am extremely confused.

 

Heartbroken, I returned all of the pictures he gave me and anything that he bought me and asked him to leave. He cried and told me he loved me so so so much and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and continued to ask me if he could do anything for me or if I wanted him to hug me, etc. It killed me, it still does kill me.

 

When asked for a reason of why he doesn't think he's in love with me anymore it was because our number one priority in a partner wasn't the same... which then proceeded to tell me that his number one priority was someone outdoorsy. (This offended me.. we hiked the Rockies, portaged through the Boundary waters, adventured to Oregon together, so being outdoorsy is a priority of mine) He also told me that it was "unhealthy that we did things for each other".... like I thought that was the point of a relationship...

 

After the breakup I texted him pretty angrily and he apologized and told me he was in shock that this happened... like how? He did this not me. I went out with friends a couple days later and then he got angry with me and told me how broken he was for me returning all of his things.

 

We've decided we would want to meet up to discuss what happened. Now that it's been over a week, tomorrow is the day we are planning to meet up. I want to get back together, because I feel like I realize my wrongs, his wrongs, and know that I want to be with him. I'm absolutely terrified to see him tomorrow because I feel like he doesn't want the same thing as me.

 

Please any advice or opinions, please please please!

Edited April 18, 2016 by wish1

[bathtub-row]

He sounds very conflicted if you ask me and I'd suggest that the two of you take things slowly. That's not to say that things can't work out but you can't just dive back in. You also need to let him know that he can't just break up with you out of the blue without consequences. By that, I mean that he can't just expect you to jump at the opportunity to take him back after what he did. If you do take him back right away, at least let him know that this is the last time that you'll overlook that kind of thing. If you don't, he won't understand how damaging it is to your relationship to do something like that. It hurts you both and erodes trust, among other things.

 

Also, you seem to have a very vindictive streak and would do well to rein that in. Giving his gifts back was a mean thing to do, as well as sending an angry text. In other words, try to stop being so reactive. Men get really tired of arguing and they find it very hard to take a woman's strong emotions at every turn. That's not to say you shouldn't show your emotions but you seem to do and say things and then think about the effect later. This is not a great way to behave in relationships.

 

My son is about your bf's age and while he has a full-time job, he also works in a restaurant part-time. He and his gf are planning a trip to Europe and they're both working to pay for it. Your bf would do well to find something else to do instead of just having one job. That would probably help his frame of mind. Men do not do well when they don't have enough work.

 

Let us know how things go tomorrow. I hope the two of you can work things out.

Edited April 19, 2016 by bathtub-row

[turnera]

If you were my daughter, I'd be telling you just to back off for now, you both have things on your plate, and you should both be focusing on that stuff. Stay in touch, see if things progress.

 

I would also tell you what I always told my daughter - college is for dating a bunch of different guys, so you can see what different personalities are like, which one is the best fit for you. Someone put it well: would you buy the first house you visit? No, you'd visit a lot, and see which one is the best fit.

 

She didn't meet her current boyfriend til she was 23 and out of college. And it's working out a lot better than past boyfriends.

Edited April 19, 2016 by turnera

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't meet up with him yet. Emotions are still running too high and you two need some time apart. I don't think anything will have changed so soon, and you'll wind up hurt again. Do you really need to rehash it all in person?

 

Look. he doesn't know what he wants. If he isn't sure he wants you, don't be hanging around hoping he changes his mind. The reasons he gave for breaking up don't make a lot of sense and I suspect there's a lot more to it but he doesn't know how to tell you.

 

Cancel the meeting. Explain to him that you need time and space to process your own emotions. Him flip-flopping is doing a number on your heart and it would be better to stay away from each other for a little while.

[wish1]

Thanks everyone for the advice, I apologize it took me a couple days to update you all.

 

The meeting with my ex went I guess as I expected it to. He's moving to Oregon in June which really hurt me but was definitely something I expected. I explained to him my feelings and emotions which I could tell wasn't just hard for me to say, but hard for him to hear. I really believed/still do believe in what we had but am realizing that I have to put in on hold.

 

He is moving and doesn't have any idea what he's doing, he admitted to me. He doesn't think that he can have a long distance relationship because he doesn't see how it could benefit either of us or what the point of it would be if we're not close by each other. I explained that I would be dedicated however, it's not a one way street.. He also admitted it would be different if I were graduating because we could start something new together, which also hurt a lot because I can't help it nor have I asked him to wait around for me.

 

He and I had fun together when we met up which was actually probably the worst part.

 

I'm not really sure how I can move on right now because I was so dedicated to this relationship and don't think he realized or believed me because of my intense work ethic with school.

 

We are planning to meet up again, I think, in a couple more weeks before he actually moves away. As of now, I am fulling implementing the no contact rule because I'm not sure there's any other way I can start to feel better.

 

Thanks again for the advice, I really do appreciate it. Tough times never last, only tough people do and I just have to believe that what's meant to be will be.

[mightycpa]

I will say that giving him back all the stuff was pretty cold on your part. If you didn't want it, you should have thrown it away. I think you wanted to hurt him, and I guess you did, and now he's acting like a guy who doesn't want to get hurt again by you. He's doubling down on the breakup and taking steps to see to it that it sticks. He's leaving so he doesn't get weak and come back.

 

I also think that the big picture here is your inability to live together. You can blame him for not hustling for a job all day long, or you can blame you for expecting more than he gave, or you can blame being in school, or because the sinks are stainless steel. Whatever. The bottom line is you weren't happy living with each other, and that says a lot about your relationship, whether you like it or not. It doesn't really matter if both or only one of you contributed to this. You couldn't live together happily.

 

So what you have to ask yourself is why that would deserve the level of devotion you feel for it. Sometimes, it is very hard to see the truth, because the truth isn't what we want. I think that's where you find yourself right now.

[wish1]

About a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. He broke up with me claiming I wasn't outdoorsy enough and didn't challenge him. We dated for almost a year and a half and had dated on and off for the year and a half before that. He is older, 25, and I am 21. He graduated college last year and I still have a year and a half left to go. He hasn't been able to find a full time job since graduating and worked part time by me so I had been allowing him to live with me while paying smaller portions of my rent.

 

Being a full time student, I was extremely busy this semester and we didn't make time for eachother, the time we spent together was just when we were free and we never really did any of the super fun things we enjoy together.

 

I think that we have a pretty good amount in common, although he claims me to not be outdoorsy we did a lot of hiking together

Kayaking, canoeing, camping etc. We both love art and photography as well as music and adventure. We're both driven people but his lack of a job drove me to stress and get angry with him a lot, which we've since realized probably had a lot to do with out break up.

 

We have met up a couple of times since breaking up. Both times we had a ton of fun, flirted, talked about what we've been up to, and all of the serious things. The first time we talked I for sure thought that we would be done. I wrote a bunch of notes reflecting on the relationship and gave them to him that day. A few days later he texted me and wanted to meet up again. I agreed. We met up about a week and a half later(last Monday) and spent 6 hours together getting dinner and then just hanging out in his car talking.

 

Neither one of us wanted our time together to end. He continued to call me his "girlfriend" when talking about random situations and said he wished that I didn't have to go to class in the morning because he wanted to go camping that night. He told me that his heart tells him we should get back together but mentally he doesn't know that it's a good idea. He said this because he felt that I am acting differently now, like trying to do all of things we both love on my own and that I'm so much more talkative and seem happier now (kinda like he's jealous but Ive realized that in our relationship I was always stressed and that's not who I want to be and therefore am trying to improve myself with or without our relationship) I want to get back together. We kind of discussed this and said getting back together would mean a "new relationship" it would not be "trying again" because of its negative connotation.

 

That conversation made me pretty happy. I left that night feeling hoping and optimistic because we've always had such a draw towards one another.

 

He texted me the night after with not much to say but it ended in us both saying we were happy that we saw each other and each had a good time. Now yesterday I sent him something silly about dogs because we both LOVE dogs and he texted me a positive response and then texted again saying he thought we moved too fast before.

 

I really want to see him again before we both go on trips in a week (I'm traveling home for a break once school is out and he's going on a solo hiking trip). I'm probably totally over thinking everything but any Advice on what he's thinking? I really am prepared to give everything for a new relationship with him and he seemed to like the idea but we're still in this state of uncertainty and it's making me crazy.

[turnera]

I think he has it right - take it slowly. You guys are in no hurry. Just enjoy the times you do get together, but don't try to make them more than they are - fun. Guys need to be admired. You picking fights, you judging his work ethics, those are relationship killers. Guys want FUN partner, not women who nag, complain or pick fights. So just focus on that for now.