rubyblu Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 Hi! I have currently just experienced the most bizarre breakup of my life. Me and this guy were dating for 3 1/2 months. He pursued me- he apparently had a huge crush on me for months but I had a boyfriend. We were really good friends, though. When I broke up with my boyfriend, we started hanging out more and we eventually revealed our feelings to each other. He took me on dates, paid for everything. He didn't have a car, but he paid an Uber to take us out because he didn't want me to drive. He changed his work schedule around so that he would have weekends off with me. We went on trips every weekend- he always paid for gas, or sometimes we would split it. He made plans with me every weekend. He eventually told me that he loved me, and that he saw a future with us together, which he has never felt with a previous girlfriend. He showed me an article titled, "The Girl I Want to Marry," and said that I was everything in that article. He turned down a great traveling job because he said that would be the end of our relationship and he wanted to continue it. He told me I was his soulmate. He even said he wanted to move to a new city with me (not living in the same apartment/house) because I'm looking for a new job. He was constantly telling me how much I meant to him, and how good our relationship was. These were all signs, to me, that this dude had it for me! And I eventually gave in and fell in love- HARD! Then, two weeks ago, my roommate/friend asked me to move out and me and her got into a huge fight. I called my boyfriend and talked to him for five minutes about it. He told me I could come over that night. I came over, he had downloaded Star Wars and bought milk and cookies for us to eat. He told me I could stay at his house whenever I needed to get away. Being the cautious person that I am and afraid of being too needy, I said thanks, but I never took him up on the offer. I didn't even text him the next two days. He told me yesterday (when we broke up) that that was the day that he started feeling less "intimacy" towards me. But I didn't see it! He kept on making plans over the weekend, he bought us tickets to a music fest for this past weekend. He told me that he loved me and he'd be there to support me. He told me I could "have all his money if I needed!" But I'm very careful and independent, and I didn't want him to feel like there was any pressure on him, so I never took him up on any of his offers! The only weird thing I noticed is that he stopped texting me as much during the week to hang out. He would still hang out on the weekend, but he wasn't asking to hang out during the week. I felt a little weird about it, but I gave him his space and never texted him first. Then, this past weekend, we went to a music festival. It was so much fun! The only thing was that he filed his taxes and found out he owes $900, so he was kind of bummed about that the whole time. When I dropped him off at his apartment Sunday morning, he said "Ok, bye." I was like, "Uh, am I going to see you again?" Then he started crying and said we needed to talk. He told me he hasn't been feeling "intimacy" for the past two weeks, but was still trying to make the relationship work and wait for it to pass. I said, "Well, ok, I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me." And then I left. I acted all cool as a cucumber but I am seriously messed up about this whole thing. Worst breakup ever, especially because it was out of nowhere! He had my whole heart I know this was long to read, but I would really appreciate any advice. Should I try to contact him? Should I give him space? Was I being too protective and distant in the relationship? Was I not being vulnerable enough? Does he feel like he can't provide for the relationship anymore because he doesn't have money right now? Is he bi-polar? I'm clueless, and I've never been more heartbroken. Thanks, guys.
jen1447 Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 I'd say you probably weren't mutually weird enough. No idea what's actually going on w/him but I think you're better off w/out someone who can be so all over the place in such a short time. Who knows what's coming next, know what I mean? I know that doesn't help your heartache, sorry. ((Hugs))
Zahara Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 Should I try to contact him? Should I give him space? Was I being too protective and distant in the relationship? Was I not being vulnerable enough? Does he feel like he can't provide for the relationship anymore because he doesn't have money right now? Is he bi-polar? I'm clueless, and I've never been more heartbroken. Thanks, guys. I truly believe the ones that start off the blocks fast and furious are the ones that crash and burn. In 3.5 months, he was turning down a dream job and in his head moving to new cities with you. You hardly know a person in that short a time but he was already planning a future with you. I believe he was all into the excitement of a new relationship and just as he exploded to the top, he fell fast to the ground. My radar is always up when I hear about how they tell you you're different from any of the other women they've dated, especially when it's still new and you hardly even know the person to make that sort of statement. And from experience, you always end up being like the other women they've dated. No, you should not contact him. He's told you that his feelings are changing for you. Chances are even if you got back with him, he'll likely circle back to feeling this way again.
basil67 Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 >>Being the cautious person that I am and afraid of being too needy, I said thanks, but I never took him up on the offer. I didn't even text him the next two days<< I believe this kind of behaviour would very much contribute to his feelings of a lack of intimacy. Here he is opening his house to you and you don't even contact him for two days - this was very rude of you. There's nothing here to suggest bi-polar. Does he have prolonged episodes of being a bit too high and enthusiastic followed by significant depression where he struggles to function? Having a significant change of mind does not indicate bi-polar. 6
sorano Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 I truly believe the ones that start off the blocks fast and furious are the ones that crash and burn. In 3.5 months, he was turning down a dream job and in his head moving to new cities with you. You hardly know a person in that short a time but he was already planning a future with you. I believe he was all into the excitement of a new relationship and just as he exploded to the top, he fell fast to the ground. My radar is always up when I hear about how they tell you you're different from any of the other women they've dated, especially when it's still new and you hardly even know the person to make that sort of statement. And from experience, you always end up being like the other women they've dated. No, you should not contact him. He's told you that his feelings are changing for you. Chances are even if you got back with him, he'll likely circle back to feeling this way again. sounds like my ex. she spoke about family, house, marriage, took me to go see rings, she even said How lucky she was to have met me, and how she was happy to go through bad times with her past boy friends bc they lead her to me, blah blah blah blah. Then boom........I get dumped.
basil67 Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 I truly believe the ones that start off the blocks fast and furious are the ones that crash and burn. In 3.5 months, he was turning down a dream job and in his head moving to new cities with you. You hardly know a person in that short a time but he was already planning a future with you. I believe he was all into the excitement of a new relationship and just as he exploded to the top, he fell fast to the ground. My radar is always up when I hear about how they tell you you're different from any of the other women they've dated, especially when it's still new and you hardly even know the person to make that sort of statement. And from experience, you always end up being like the other women they've dated. No, you should not contact him. He's told you that his feelings are changing for you. Chances are even if you got back with him, he'll likely circle back to feeling this way again. Of course, it's not the same with everyone. I've known many relationships which started intensely and have continued long term. Within two months of meeting him, my now husband negotiated out of an upcoming O/S posting so that he could be local and give the relationship his best.
Zahara Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 (edited) Of course, it's not the same with everyone. I've known many relationships which started intensely and have continued long term. Within two months of meeting him, my now husband negotiated out of an upcoming O/S posting so that he could be local and give the relationship his best. Of course. I'm sure there are exceptions to my rule. But I'm a non-believer and I'd rather take the slow road after having it happen twice in my experiences with dating. And having been on LS for this long, it's a story that's been told on here one too many times. Lucky you for snagging a good one who meant what he said and said what he meant. Edited April 19, 2016 by Zahara 1
Frank13 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 I have currently just experienced the most bizarre breakup of my life. He told me I could stay at his house whenever I needed to get away. Being the cautious person that I am and afraid of being too needy, I said thanks, but I never took him up on the offer. I didn't even text him the next two days. He told me yesterday (when we broke up) that that was the day that he started feeling less "intimacy" He told me that he loved me and he'd be there to support me. He told me I could "have all his money if I needed!" But I'm very careful and independent, and I didn't want him to feel like there was any pressure on him, so I never took him up on any of his offers! I acted all cool as a cucumber but I am seriously messed up about this whole thing. Worst breakup ever, especially because it was out if no where . Nothing bizarre about the breakup. Although I see your point on things I have quoted, I would see this as a huge lack of interest on your part. Didn't text him for two days after he said you could stay at his place anytime. Never took him up on his offers to want to help you, and the worst, acting cool as a cucumber when he broke up with you. Add these all these together and it screams "I'm just really not that into you". At this point I'm guessing he decided to cut his losses and get out while he could. A guy wants to feel appreciated by his girl. That doesn't mean you take all his money, text constantly, or beg him when he breaks up with you, but you took at all to the other extreme. I bet you never told him you loved him because you didn't want him to feel pressured even though he already made it clear how he felt about you. 1
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 OP.... he's just another commitment-phobe, it's going around. Comes on super strong, all caught up in the fantasy of you and your RL, and then as time goes on, fantasy turns to reality and he gets turned off. I would guess he started feeling turned off (less intimacy) even before you didn't contact him for two days. But once you did that, he had the perfect excuse to end it....and blame it on you!! Very typical...as I said it's going around. No do not call.... he's got too many issues. You can't fix him, no one can except himself...with the help of a qualified therapist. If it were me I would block and delete, so that IF he ever contacts you, which he probably will at some point (they always do)... you won't be tempted to fall back.
Frank13 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 I tried to edit my message to add this but it wouldn't let me. I can't say for certain what he is feeling. It's possible I am completely wrong and he just lost intimacy, but given the circumstances if it was for the reasons I stated your only hope is to call him and tell him the things you have said here. Explain why you didn't text or take him up on his offers and let him know how you feel about him. And I'd do it sooner rather than later so he doesn't feel like you are only telling him these things because you miss him.
Frank13 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 OP.... he's just another commitment-phobe, it's going around. Comes on super strong, all caught up in the fantasy of you and your RL, and then as time goes on, fantasy turns to reality and he gets turned off. I would guess he started feeling turned off (less intimacy) even before you didn't contact him for two days. . I'd agree if she started pushing for marriage or to move in together but she has been doing the opposite. Why would you say you are guessing he felt less intimacy before she didn't text for two days when she specifically stated that he said that is when he lost it? Personal experience shapes our opinions and it seems you have had some dealings with commitment phobes so I understand you wanting to save the op some misery.
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) I'd agree if she started pushing for marriage or to move in together but she has been doing the opposite. Why would you say you are guessing he felt less intimacy before she didn't text for two days when she specifically stated that he said that is when he lost it? Personal experience shapes our opinions and it seems you have had some dealings with commitment phobes so I understand you wanting to save the op some misery. I have not personally, but two of my brothers are CP ... and several friends have been involved with a few, I have read books about it (best sellers), and this guy's behavior fits the CP profile to a tee. And seriously, what *emotionally healthy* man who is truly into a woman and has strong feelings for her (as he claimed he did for OP), would suddenly get turned off (lose intimacy same thing) because she did not contact for two days. Completely goes against human nature, it was TWO days, not two weeks not two months, but two DAYS for heaven's sake. And you cannot possibly be so naive to believe that a man who fears commitment/relationships is not capable of lying. He had the perfect OUT without looking like the bad guy. CP's are notorious for flipping the script and blaming the woman. Again. It was two days! CP's run as soon as things start becoming too *real* which can happen anywhere from after a fantastic first date to right before marriage. Expectations, responsibilitites, loss of freedom all contributing to that fear. Of course in the beginning when they're coming on like gangbusters, they are living in fantasy, so not thinking about these things. Anyway, I stick to what I said. We can agree to disagree on this, I am cool with that. Edited April 19, 2016 by katiegrl 1
anika99 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 I have not personally, but two of my brothers are CP ... and several friends have been involved with a few, I have read books about it (best sellers), and this guy's behavior fits the CP profile to a tee. And seriously, what *emotionally healthy* man who is truly into a woman and has strong feelings for her (as he claimed he did for OP), would suddenly get turned off (lose intimacy same thing) because she did not contact for two days. Completely goes against human nature, it was TWO days, not two weeks not two months, but two DAYS for heaven's sake. And you cannot possibly be so naive to believe that a man who fears commitment/relationships is not capable of lying. He had the perfect OUT without looking like the bad guy. CP's are notorious for flipping the script and blaming the woman. Again. It was two days! CP's run as soon as things start becoming too *real* which can happen anywhere from after a fantastic first date to right before marriage. Expectations, responsibilitites, loss of freedom all contributing to that fear. Of course in the beginning when they're coming on like gangbusters, they are living in fantasy, so not thinking about these things. Anyway, I stick to what I said. We can agree to disagree on this, I am cool with that. Agreed. I too have a brother who is commitment phobic and this is exactly how he behaves. He falls madly in love with each new gf and declares her "the one", becomes hyper attentive and focused on her and winning her heart and then some minor or even bogus event happens that makes him go sour on the relationship and he dumps miss right. Of course he never admits that there is something amiss about his behaviour, he always blames the poor girl who is usually heartbroken and shocked at how easily she was dismissed. I agree that one doesn't dump the love of their life over a 2 day absence. 1
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) Agreed. I too have a brother who is commitment phobic and this is exactly how he behaves. He falls madly in love with each new gf and declares her "the one", becomes hyper attentive and focused on her and winning her heart and then some minor or even bogus event happens that makes him go sour on the relationship and he dumps miss right. Of course he never admits that there is something amiss about his behaviour, he always blames the poor girl who is usually heartbroken and shocked at how easily she was dismissed. I agree that one doesn't dump the love of their life over a 2 day absence. anika, don't know if any of your brother's ex's ever felt this way, but a few of my brother's ex's have told me his behavior was so bizarre (and I agreed), that they often wondered if he was having some sort of a mental breakdown. I mean who can explain such lunacy? One day he is so in love, claiming she's "the one" .... making future plans ..... and next day ending the whole thing because she doesn't know how to scuba dive! One of his many excuses for ending it. And here we have the OP wondering if her guy is Bipolar! OP, if you are still reading, please don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong. You are entitled to take a couple days space if you need to. God knows men sure do! Longer even. Two days is nothing! He's got issues, not your problem. Good luck moving forward! Edited April 19, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Stealth3 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 There is nothing wrong with this breakup. Sounds like a scenario where the guy gave you all the attention in the world and tried to make it work and you just didn't return the favor at all. What exactly did you expect to happen? You didn't show signs that you were as interested in him as he is in you and he decided to bail out and find someone else. You dated for over three months and never once texted him first.....didn't text for 2 days after he offers you his place when you needed to get away. Refused his offer.... Most guys that respect themselves would have bailed out the same way. Next time, remember this is suppose to be a two way street. If you have feelings for him, I suggest you tell him how you feel if you want to salvage anything. Otherwise let the guy find someone who isn't so overprotective. This works both ways by the way...when someone opens up to you if time and time you are still in your enclosed shell they will just give up and look elsewhere. 1
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) There is nothing wrong with this breakup. Sounds like a scenario where the guy gave you all the attention in the world and tried to make it work and you just didn't return the favor at all. What exactly did you expect to happen? You didn't show signs that you were as interested in him as he is in you and he decided to bail out and find someone else. You must have missed this: Hi! I have currently just experienced the most bizarre breakup of my life. Me and this guy were dating for 3 1/2 months. He pursued me- he apparently had a huge crush on me for months but I had a boyfriend. We were really good friends, though. When I broke up with my boyfriend, we started hanging out more and we eventually revealed our feelings to each other. He took me on dates, paid for everything. He didn't have a car, but he paid an Uber to take us out because he didn't want me to drive. He changed his work schedule around so that he would have weekends off with me. We went on trips every weekend- he always paid for gas, or sometimes we would split it. He made plans with me every weekend. He eventually told me that he loved me, and that he saw a future with us together, which he has never felt with a previous girlfriend. He showed me an article titled, "The Girl I Want to Marry," and said that I was everything in that article. He turned down a great traveling job because he said that would be the end of our relationship and he wanted to continue it. He told me I was his soulmate. He even said he wanted to move to a new city with me (not living in the same apartment/house) because I'm looking for a new job. He was constantly telling me how much I meant to him, and how good our relationship was. These were all signs, to me, that this dude had it for me! And I eventually gave in and fell in love- HARD! It was shortly after that everything started to change..... with him eventually telling her he had started to feel "less intimacy" for her. As I said so what if she pulled back for two days. A man coming on so strong like that.... any woman would need a breather from that jeez. And sorry but no man who is sooooooo in love with a woman, believes she is his soulmate, hints at getting married... starts to feel less intimacy because she didn't call him for two days. Give me a break. Do you know how many men do this? And women are supposed to understand and give him his space.... which we do!! It was two freakin days for crying out loud. And if you think this guy's behavior at the very beginning was even remotely normal, I don't know what to tell ya. I DO agree though that he bailed to look for someone else. His new fantasy girl! LOL And everything will be GREAT with her too, he will fall madly in love... she will become his new soulmate, he will hint at getting married, THEN when reality hits, he is off and running with some pathetic reason. Typical commitment-phobe behavior. Read up about it...it's really interesting! Edited April 19, 2016 by katiegrl
anika99 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 anika, don't know if any of your brother's ex's ever felt this way, but a few of my brother's ex's have told me his behavior was so bizarre (and I agreed), that they often wondered if he was having some sort of a mental breakdown. I mean who can explain such lunacy? One day he is so in love, claiming she's "the one" .... making future plans ..... and next day ending the whole thing because she doesn't know how to scuba dive! One of his many excuses for ending it. And here we have the OP wondering if her guy is Bipolar! OP, if you are still reading, please don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong. You are entitled to take a couple days space if you need to. God knows men sure do! Longer even. Two days is nothing! He's got issues, not your problem. Good luck moving forward! I never really talked to his girlfriends. He never keeps them around long enough for me to get to know them...lol. I do know that the way he suddenly cuts them off really messes with their heads and they have a hard time letting him go. At least once or twice a year he will disappear from my friends list on Facebook and it's because he's shutdown his page to hide from some broken-hearted girl that won't leave him alone. I don't get it. He is 45 years old and he's never kept a gf beyond 6 months. He attracts the most beautiful young women even though he is only average and these women fall crazy in love with him. I don't know why they find him so mesmerizing.
Frank13 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Agreed. I too have a brother who is commitment phobic and this is exactly how he behaves. He falls madly in love with each new gf and declares her "the one", becomes hyper attentive and focused on her and winning her heart and then some minor or even bogus event happens that makes him go sour on the relationship and he dumps miss right. Of course he never admits that there is something amiss about his behaviour, he always blames the poor girl who is usually heartbroken and shocked at how easily she was dismissed. I agree that one doesn't dump the love of their life over a 2 day absence. I think you are wrong. Commitment phobes like the chase because there is no pressure. Once they think they have got the woman they bail. In the OP's case she was showing lack of interest which makes a commitment phobe try harder to win her over and then dumps her when he does. The main thing about a commitment phobe is that he leaves when things start to get serious. The OP was doing everything to not look serious.
shap Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you. 1
basil67 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you. Agreed. I've seen "commitment phobes" who eventually find the right person and suddenly commit and marry. It's come to the point where I hear a guy talking about how he doesn't want to settle down or commit and I just sit back and wait for him to find Ms Right and suddenly change. It always happens.
katiegrl Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you. I agree ... problem is ... there is no *right* person for someone with commitment issues. There will always always be something *wrong* eventually. My brother claimed he met the love of his life. Fell madly in love, she was "the one." One day he was planning their future and literally the next day he dumped her cuz she didn't know how to scuba dive. Nevermind the fact she could learn, nope it was over. He was done just like that. He behaved that same with every woman he got involved with. He knows he has issues, been to therapy the whole nine yards. Oh yeah, commitment/intimacy issues are very very real.
basil67 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Completely goes against human nature, it was TWO days, not two weeks not two months, but two DAYS for heaven's sake. The OP admits that she's cautious and afraid of being needy. It's entirely likely that she hasn't contacted him on other days too. Or rarely initiated contact because of some dating rule she's read somewhere. In short, I doubt that her not contacting him was a complete aberration of her usual behaviour. My money is that it was par for course.
katiegrl Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 (edited) Agreed. I've seen "commitment phobes" who eventually find the right person and suddenly commit and marry. It's come to the point where I hear a guy talking about how he doesn't want to settle down or commit and I just sit back and wait for him to find Ms Right and suddenly change. It always happens. Then IMO they weren't true commitment phobes, they just hadn't met the right person. I have witnessed my brother having a full blown panic attack when he perceived a RL was heading towards commitment. After claiming she was the one, he was madly in love.....she was perfect! I don't know why some people deny that some or even many people struggle with commitment and intimacy issues... that it's not real or doesn't exist. People struggle with all sorts of of anxiety disorders and phobias, commitment/intimacy issues just being one of them. Edited April 23, 2016 by katiegrl
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