Are kids hurt by affairs?

[Lady Hamilton]

Well, in that vein of answering purely from personal experience, I guess it all boils down to how far we're pulling the thread from the sweater.

 

The kids were far too young to realize what was going on. They were not hurt by the affair, but they were hurt by their parents responses to it and how the divorce was handled.

 

Does that make it the result of the affair because that was the root incident, or does it make it the result of their parent's poor marriage which was dysfunctional before the affair? If it wasn't the affair, it would have been something else that triggered the same behavior and same poor response by both parties.

 

Were they affected long-term? Overall, I think they were by the actions after the affair and not the action of the affair itself. The affair neither of them noticed. Everything after they did. And some issues they're struggling now they wouldn't have had to struggle with if their parents hadn't divorced.

 

So again, does that make the things they're struggling with now as the result of the behavior of a parent post-divorce the fault of the affair or the fault of the bad behavior of the parent post-divorce? Said parent wouldn't be doing what they're doing now if they weren't divorced, but if they weren't divorced, they would have had their dysfunctional marital dynamic which was already causing issues before the affair.

 

Well, if you're one of those people who believes that everything that happens after an affair is all the fault of the affair, then yes, it's all because of the affair. But if we're saying that there's the affair, then there's everything after it, then no. It just all depends on who you ask and where we set the periods at the end of the sentence in the whole affair itself.

 

I tend to think that, at some point, the affair stops being the trigger and starts being the excuse. It's a question of being in charge of your own life. At some point, it's not the affair, it's the response to it, just like everything else in life. So while an affair has the impact and has the potential to hurt my kids, as somebody who's in charge of my own life, if I find that this is now my reality I can't change the affair, but I can change how I respond to it. I can respond in a way that makes it a little ripple in a pond or an atom bomb. If I choose the atom bomb response, that's not because the affair happened, it's because I chose the atom bomb response.

 

It's like having cancer. I can sit on the couch and cry hysterically in front of my kids and be a mess who says "I can't, I have cancer," or I can get up and live my life and say "I have cancer, but I'm here anyway." I can't control the cancer, but I can control if I put myself in the grave before actually dying, or I can live my life in a way that minimizes the impact. Whatever choice I make isn't because I have cancer, but because of what I want to do to make things better after I found out it's my new reality.

[JS84]

My mom told my sister and I my dad was cheating when I was 17 and she was 15. My brother was 9 at the time and she didn't tell him anything and he's still in the dark at 23. My father doesn't know me and my sister know all about him. I'm in my early 30s and I still don't trust his judgement and am much closer to my mother than him. I talk to my mom at least every few days but I can go weeks without any communication with him. We get along fine when we do talk but the level of respect I have for him is world's apart than what I had when I was a kid.

 

I've never understood how people can say cheaters are "good parents" when they put their child's family unit completely at risk. Good parents don't blow up their family due to selfishness and wanting some side action. At least that's how I've always seen it. That is not a good parent.

 

Anyway my parents are still together and he still fools around. My mom always let's me know when he's doing something shady like leaving the house in the middle of the night (they don't sleep in the same bedroom, haven't for years), or a condom falls out of his pocket, etc.

 

As for how it affected me, I always ALWAYS wanted to get married probably up until 19 or 20. I didn't care about kids too much but I thought being married to someone I loved was an extremely exciting prospect. After I found out what my Dad did? I'll be 32 soon, have been single for 5 years, have huge trust issues when it comes to relationships, and my desire to get married faded probably a little over a decade ago due to his cheating and at this point is basically non-existent.

 

Now I think everyone's situation is different and everyone handles it differently, but I think affairs affect kids probably all the time just not in ways that people see or even WANT to see. I'm sure there are plenty of cheating parents out there who are in denial about what effects their cheating has had on their children and how they view and conduct themselves in relationships. I know I always tend to be a bit paranoid in mine, since now I have trust issues so now I pretty much avoid them. I pretty much blame my Dad for that because as far as I know I've never been cheated on.

 

That being said however, I'm glad my mom told me what was going on.

Edited April 19, 2016 by JS84

[minimariah]

If it wasn't the affair, it would have been something else that triggered the same behavior and same poor response by both parties.

 

not neccessarily - (infidelity) divorce are one of the most stressful (events) periods of one's life... in reality -- you never know WHAT IF this or that did or didn't happen. these triggers are super specific; if someone starts behaving out of the usual, out of their character - we can't rely on the "oh, if it wasn't THIS... it would have been that" & in that case... affairs and divorce are very powerful sources of a lot of negative emotions.

 

So again, does that make the things they're struggling with now as the result of the behavior of a parent post-divorce the fault of the affair or the fault of the bad behavior of the parent post-divorce?

 

why can't it be both? of course - we cannot hide from personal responsibility. if i, for example, slash my x's tires because he cheated on me... i cannot possibly blame it ALL on the affair, that makes no sense. but if i was, up until that point, someone who NEVER even thought about slashing anyone's tires... than it is a result of me being exceptionally hurt by the affair ALSO. so it's usually a combination of both outside triggers/other folks doing us wrong + our character.

 

Said parent wouldn't be doing what they're doing now if they weren't divorced...

 

if this is true - then the parent's behavior is entirely blamed on the affair/divorce. which again leaves us to question what happens with personal responsibility we have for our actions.

 

It's like having cancer. I can sit on the couch and cry hysterically in front of my kids and be a mess who says "I can't, I have cancer," or I can get up and live my life and say "I have cancer, but I'm here anyway."

 

but how do you find balance...? in the context of cancer, for example - at one point... you have to show pain to your children. otherwise, you'll end up sending them the wrong message - that pain is not allowed and that they should bounce back immediately + be positive all the time. in reality - we have to go through a wide range of emotions... so kids WILL see a lot of struggling moments. many parents can't move away from that though.

 

also - it is different with younger and older kids. and while it is true that for the younger kids... the affair itself won't really do damage - for the older kids, the impact will be far greater. just knowing that your parent cheated... especially at the age when you start your own relationship and might get cheated on, too? that itself is more than enough to do enormous damage... what happens next almost doesn't matter.

[sandylee1]

I know of several families affected, but one that's very bad is where one child discovered her dad's affair....as he have her his old phone and she saw undeleted pictures of him with a child and a woman. It was clear he was involved with the woman from the photos and the child had to break the news to her mother. Yeah.. that child was as an OC and it caused immense pain.

 

Two of the kids (the eldest ones) don't speak to their father, as he tried to act like it was no big deal. It got to the stage that the eldest son gave evidence in the divorce proceedings.... very acrimonious. His daughter is always looking like she has the world's problems on her shoulders at 18 years old.

 

In another case..The dad ran of with his OW.... for several years actually....but when he had a stroke..The OW called his wife as she didn't want to look after the old boss anymore. He had 4 kids and just abandoned them for this OW without looking back.

 

The eldest doesn't speak to him over 30 years later and had her brother walk her down the aisle when she got married.

 

Oh and BTW the wife took him back and nursed him through the stroke. This caused a falling out between her and the eldest for a while too.

[basil67]

I think it depends on the situation. I believe one of the rarest situations may be when one of the spouses is toxic, and the affair ends up being a deal breaker for the marriage. In that case I can see where an affair is more of a godsend because it helps end a bad environment. I have heard a few stories of children being relieved and coming out better in the end, after an affair and subsequent divorce.

 

For sure. I can add a few stories to this list as well.

[BurnedAndLost]

Absolutely.

 

My friend discovered her fathers affair when she was in high school and he accidentally left his Facebook signed in.

 

She hasn't spoken to him in 15 years (not even while living in the same house as him..her parents stayed together) and she cannot hold onto a relationship as she doesn't trust men at all.

 

This is obviously an extreme case but I think any affair will affect a child. I'm sure at some point in our childhoods we all saw our parents cry for some reason or another. Remember how terrified and powerless it made you feel?

 

Kids are so much more perceptive than adults. They pick up on behavioral changes and atmospheres and attitudes.

 

Seeing a parent sad or hurt or distant or miserable is bound to have a profound effect on a child even if they don't know the reason for it. That's the person who's supposed to protect you. They're supposed to be stronger than you until you can take care of yourself and it's scary as all hell when they're not.

Facebook didn't exist 15 years ago...

[Lady Hamilton]

not neccessarily - (infidelity) divorce are one of the most stressful (events) periods of one's life... in reality -- you never know WHAT IF this or that did or didn't happen. these triggers are super specific; if someone starts behaving out of the usual, out of their character - we can't rely on the "oh, if it wasn't THIS... it would have been that" & in that case... affairs and divorce are very powerful sources of a lot of negative emotions.

 

In my husband's specific situation (which is what I was talking about), their marriage was so dysfunctional that, if it weren't for the affair, the same behavior in both parties would have been triggered by something else. In fact, he'd argue to this day that the biggest fracturing of their marriage wasn't the affair, but two other events that occurred in the marriage. She'd honestly probably say the same.

 

After the affair, she was willing to move on and even look the other way as long as he stayed. While she would push for the affair to end, she was more content in simply pretending it wasn't going on. The other events, those couldn't be ignored and had to be dealt with. Dealing with them triggered the same behaviors and dysfunction that their marriage had always enjoyed.

 

why can't it be both? of course - we cannot hide from personal responsibility. if i, for example, slash my x's tires because he cheated on me... i cannot possibly blame it ALL on the affair, that makes no sense. but if i was, up until that point, someone who NEVER even thought about slashing anyone's tires... than it is a result of me being exceptionally hurt by the affair ALSO. so it's usually a combination of both outside triggers/other folks doing us wrong + our character.

 

Again, it all has to do with how far you want to tie back everything to the affair. Some people are perfectly contented to say that everything that happens 1 year, 5 years, 10 years after the affair that have a passing connection to said affair is the result of the affair. For those people, "I wouldn't have slashed your tires if you hadn't cheated" is the reality.

 

Others think that, there's the affair, then there's the response to it, and the response to it are two different things. Where the slashing of the tires is ultimately the fault of the person who slashed the tires because the chose to do it, regardless of what their trigger for it was.

 

if this is true - then the parent's behavior is entirely blamed on the affair/divorce. which again leaves us to question what happens with personal responsibility we have for our actions.

 

That was my point with that part of the statement.

 

but how do you find balance...? in the context of cancer, for example - at one point... you have to show pain to your children. otherwise, you'll end up sending them the wrong message - that pain is not allowed and that they should bounce back immediately + be positive all the time. in reality - we have to go through a wide range of emotions... so kids WILL see a lot of struggling moments. many parents can't move away from that though.

 

You don't have to show pain to your children. There is no requirement to show them the misery that comes with cancer. If you do because you feel like there's some ultimate gain to it, then fine, but that doesn't make showing the pain of cancer something you have to do. Plenty of people decide that the nitty gritty of it is either not something they can or should have to deal with, or they decide that they'd rather be positive in front of their family because they feel that is the best thing to do for the family.

 

Either way, cancer or affairs, what you choose to share with them is your choice based off of an element you couldn't control. You are responsible for your reaction to it, regardless of what the trigger to it is.

 

also - it is different with younger and older kids. and while it is true that for the younger kids... the affair itself won't really do damage - for the older kids, the impact will be far greater. just knowing that your parent cheated... especially at the age when you start your own relationship and might get cheated on, too? that itself is more than enough to do enormous damage... what happens next almost doesn't matter.

 

It all depends on the situation there too.

 

My husband didn't find out his father was having multiple affairs until he was older and finding out didn't really rock the boat for him at all. In fact, he says it was more of a relief than anything else. His opinion of his father wasn't good to begin with and to learn that part of the behaviors his father displayed towards his kids and wife wasn't the fault of anybody but the result of his affairs removed a lot of his insecurities. His father was the way he was because he didn't love his mother and was having affairs, not because he or his siblings were bad children, etc etc. It made him really realize that a marriage he always knew to be unhappy was unhappy for reasons having nothing to do with him and everything to do with his father and, later, his mother.

 

Even older, I quite accidentally found information that leads me to believe my father is having an affair. While I could certainly be very wrong, it did make me confront the notion of it internally and, honestly, it also did more to put the puzzle pieces together than rock my world. I wasn't upset at all and, to be perfectly frank, now when I see the woman I treat her less as "my father's long time acquaintance," which is how I treated her before, and more as a member of extended family, which she clearly really appreciates.

 

So it just all depends. An older child won't necessarily be rocked by their parent's affair.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[cocorico]

If you are a part of a couple that was touched by infidelity, what affect did it have on your children? If one of your parents had an affair, did it affect you?

 

Please share your own personal stories.

 

I am both.

 

My father had an A when I was in high school, although at the time I did not know. I knew something was different, but I did not know what - only that he seemed happier, more engaged, more interested in us kids, too. Before, he would just come home from work everyday and not speak to anyone. He would spend weekends by himself working in his workshop. Then, during the A, that all changed. He came home happy. He spent time with us. It was different, but we didn't know why.

 

After we'd all left home, my parents split up and some time later he remarried. It was only later I found out she had been his OW. They have been together for decades now, still very happy together. They don't talk about back then, so it's hard to say thank you to her for bringing that ray of sunshine into his life, and into ours.

 

In terms of my experience as part of a couple touched by infidelity - we had an A at the point where he had taken the then-W back after a split which had deeply traumatised the kids. When I got to know him, the kids were struggling socially, academically, psychologically, always in trouble at school, etc. He and the then-W had a very toxic R which I think was very unhealthy for the kids. They lived totally separate lives, under a cloud of misery. The kids say the A made him happier, that they got to know him better during that time, so that when he approached them about another separation later they knew instantly they wanted to go with him. I do know that when they lived with us, they did better at school, formed healthy friendships, and seemed more settled socially, and their teachers seemed a lot happier. When they went off to study, they seemed like normal young people, not the deeply troubled kids I had met back then.

 

So, I'd say both As definitely affected the kids - but in a good way.

[waterwoman]

During H's A he was distant, uninvolved and impatient with the children. When the affair was ending and his chickens were threatening to come home to roost, he was irritable and generally vile to all of us. After the A his treatment of the children improved but I was a wreck - and I am afraid they were exposed to too many tears and arguments even though we tried to keep it on the down low.

 

3 years later I think the entire family are happier. But I am happier mainly because I have stopped looking to H to make me so - that's my job. And if the children take any lessons from what he have been through I hope it's that one. Be independent, seek your own happiness.

[HereNorThere]

Facebook didn't exist 15 years ago...

 

 

I was waiting for someone to bring that up.

[ChickiePops]

Facebook didn't exist 15 years ago...

 

Ooh youre right..I forget that she's younger than me, ha. It was when she was a senior in high school.

 

Now I feel old...

[minimariah]

You are responsible for your reaction to it, regardless of what the trigger to it is.

 

absolutely -- but we cannot ignore the trigger or remove THAT part of the responsibility.

 

that was my point.

 

You don't have to show pain to your children.

 

i wasn't talking about making that choice, actually - you WILL show pain to your children. that's the reality; it is absolutely impossible for you to remain positive and happy 100% of the time spent with them. now, we can decide HOW will we show them our pain... will we communicate about sadness & grief being a normal part of one's life and something that should be lived through... rather than trying to fast forward that part - THAT is entirely up to every one of us, as parents. just to be clear - i'm not talking about you, just putting thoughts on paper (screen) in general.

 

with affairs - well, people aren't robots. glossing over your pain and moving on ASAP isn't realistic - and it often sends a completely wrong message to the children. so the point would be to find some kind of balance between emotions... to show sadness and grief but at the same time, to take over the responsibility for our actions and our life and move on. THAT is what most folks struggle with, i think.

 

His father was the way he was because he didn't love his mother and was having affairs...

 

hmm... if i understood well - his father was a bad parent. isn't that up to HIM? the above statement kind of puts the blame for his poor behavior with the kids on marital problems - did i understand that right?

 

also - just a thought (you don't have to answer, this is really just me thinking out loud)... if i understood well (i might got something wrong)... your husband's first marriage was pretty much the same as his parents marriage. how? i mean, it makes sense - because he obviously didn't have good role models so probably didn't really know what a good marriage should look like... but he learned what a good marriage SHOULDN'T look like. so how did it happen that he fell into the same pattern as his parents?

 

An older child won't necessarily be rocked by their parent's affair.

 

true - but MOST will. i think your reaction, for example, isn't the norm.

 

most marriages aren't super abusive or dysfunctional - they're somewhere in the middle. they're MEH. when a child discovers the affair and is old enough to understand what is going on (not talking about the situations where you discover PAST affairs in adulthood) - it WILL rock their world, this way or another... less or more. it will affect them to SOME extent, in some way. and just like the affair can't be an excuse for slashing tires, dysfunctional marriage can't be an excuse for adultery - and the children are aware of that fact.

 

i think situations where a child accepts and even sometimes encourages the affair or the AP are rare - doesn't really matter how bad or good the marriage was. you gotta remember that the act of an affair is unacceptable to many, especially if the child has a close relationship with the other (cheated on) parent. an interesting phenomenon happens though - in a bad marriage with one parents who cheats and the other one who is mostly depressed and just sits around, throwing some kind of pity party... the child will turn to the parent who's having an affair BUT moved on with their lives and will justify the affair; in those cases, children develop especially toxic relationship with the cheated on parent, full of resentment and misdirected anger at them for NOT being strong and for somehow... putting the negative feelings on them.

[HereNorThere]

Luckily this is an area where we don't have to rely on anecdotal evidence to support our claims.

 

Science has already researched this to death. There is absolutely no doubt that children are damaged by their parents affairs and or subsequent divorce. The statistics prove that they are at higher risk for everything from drug use to suicide and are much more likely to end up divorced themselves.

 

You don't have to believe me or anyone else because the evidence supports it. A quick google search will give you all the answers you need regarding the damage it does to children.

[Mrs. John Adams]

And does science also say that these children are at higher risk to have these issues than children who come from abusive parents or alcoholic parents or dysfunctional families?

 

Let's keep it all in perspective here... One size does not fit all.

 

We are not just talking about divorced parents... This topic is about parents who cheated....

 

And in many cases... Couples cheat and no one ever finds out.

 

So science can be misconstrued to prove a point.

 

There are statistics to prove everything....

[LifesontheUp]

I have a brother and sister and we all found out in our teens about our mothers affairs.

 

To be honest when we found out it put all the pieces of the puzzle together for us in that for many years our mother was more often than not unavailable to us kids. She always had somewhere she had to go, something to do other than spend quality time with us.

 

Our mother was selfish and blamed our father for her affairs. We sided with our father and none of us bother much to this day with our mother. They divorced and she is on her own now after many more affairs. She will never own up to her part in it all, it was always our fathers fault.

 

So yes it does affect kids. They may not know now but whether you like it or not, when they spend time with their affair partner they are not spending time with their kids.

[wmacbride]

In terms of my experience as part of a couple touched by infidelity - we had an A at the point where he had taken the then-W back after a split which had deeply traumatised the kids. When I got to know him, the kids were struggling socially, academically, psychologically, always in trouble at school, etc. He and the then-W had a very toxic R which I think was very unhealthy for the kids. They lived totally separate lives, under a cloud of misery. The kids say the A made him happier, that they got to know him better during that time, so that when he approached them about another separation later they knew instantly they wanted to go with him. I do know that when they lived with us, they did better at school, formed healthy friendships, and seemed more settled socially, and their teachers seemed a lot happier. When they went off to study, they seemed like normal young people, not the deeply troubled kids I had met back then.

 

So, I'd say both As definitely affected the kids - but in a good way.

 

"I guess I am misunderstanding you, but this doesn't jive.

If it was so bad at home for his kids because of their mother, if they were miserable and enduring a horrible home life before he cheated, then why did he think that going back, once he had picked up enough courage to leave, seem like a good idea?

 

It sounds like you are saying he was unhappy, he left, but came back because the split made the kids very unhappy.

 

You say he went back, could see they were miserable , yet it took having an ow to leave a second time, and no all of a sudden, they are all sunshine and roses?

 

How did that happen?"

 

btw, if he was a sucky father, disengaged form his children and not spending time with them before the A, then that is on him. Blaming his ex for his parenting practices is pretty disingenuous. If his marriage was so terrible and his wife so unstable, why bring a couple of kids into the mix?

Edited April 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~T

[HereNorThere]

And does science also say that these children are at higher risk to have these issues than children who come from abusive parents or alcoholic parents or dysfunctional families?

 

Let's keep it all in perspective here... One size does not fit all.

 

We are not just talking about divorced parents... This topic is about parents who cheated....

 

And in many cases... Couples cheat and no one ever finds out.

 

So science can be misconstrued to prove a point.

 

There are statistics to prove everything....

 

Yes, researchers and therapist would agree that children that come from abusive parents or alcoholic parents are in a higher risk group. However, that's completely irrelevant to our topic of conversation. I guess I don't understand the point you are making with that.

 

And no, there are not statistics to prove anything. Find me the statistic that says smoking cures lung cancer. Find the statistic that says AIDS increases your lifespan.

 

Science doesn't have a dog in the fight or an agenda. It's simply about observing the Universe and making rational inferences based on those observations. Our inferences can change in light of new evidence, so if you have data to support a different claim, we would love to see it.

 

For as long as we've been psychoanalyzing, we've always found correlation with a person and their parents. If you have conflicting evidence, we are all ears. Hurry up and finish your peer reviewed study because you are about to shake the foundation of psychology and ruin a lot of tenured careers.

 

Is it possible that you can have an affair, no one finds out and no one is damaged either directly or indirectly? Sure, with the infinite amount of times this has happened throughout our brief history here on earth, there has to be examples of that. However, they are statistical outliers. Most likely, even indirectly, children feel the effects of the parents behavior. They are much, much more observant than people give them credit for.

[jenkins95]

Good thread wmacbride - a very good topic to thrash out. And how's this for a theory as to how affairs can affect children - and across generations...

 

One of the things that most pains me about my own selfishness in having an affair is the potential damage I was doing to my family - I have school-age children. Post-A my wife has been amazing and we have done everything we can to shield them from it. They seem to be doing OK thankfully.

 

Obviously I have been doing a lot of introspection and self-reflection as to why I had an affair and how I could allow myself to do it. I think that one of the reasons I was able to have an affair is that I find it difficult to completely give myself emotionally to someone else. I keep some in reserve just for me. On D-day, I saw very clearly that my wife had given herself completely to me - it was evident in the total completeness of her pain. She had nothing left in reserve for herself to fall back on, she gave me everything and so when she found out about my infidelity, her pain was total. Thankfully she is doing amazingly well.

 

But why do I find difficulty in not giving myself completely to another? Why do I keep a bit in reserve just for me, just in case someone hurts me and then I have something to fall back on? Why me? Well, I think it is because my mother is the same. Growing up, my parents were fantastic and provided everything a child could need, but she was often emotionally distant and reserved, not the kind of person you could go to for endless hugs, even though she was loving in her own way. I could see that there was a bit of herself that she kept hidden away and locked in - only for her, a place where other people couldn't get to, a retreat, a place to hide if she needed to. As I grew up, I saw this as some kind of defence mechanism, and it made logical sense and it didn't make her a bad person - she was and is an excellent mother and wife. I think I got this side of myself from her, not through genes, but through observed behaviour.

 

And why was she like this? Can you guess?

 

Because her Dad walked out on her and her mother when she was 8 years old for a younger OW. She didn't see him again until she was in her 30s. She and her mother struggled in emotional pain and financial difficulty for years and my mother saved her own mother from at least two suicide attempts. Is it any wonder that she keeps a part of herself private and immune to hurt? And is it just possible that my own adoption of this defence mechanism contributed to my own ability to have an affair?

 

This is just a theory really, but it makes sense to me - I think I used my "reserves" to compartmentalise and invest in the OW, while still being invested in the M. And this is in no way an attempt to excuse my behaviour, which was awful, but does perhaps partly explain it.

[minimariah]

Science has already researched this to death.

 

well... we can't really talk about EVIDENCE. the truth is - research on affairs and divorce does rely on anecdotal evidence.

 

As an example, heres an OM/OW - YOU will tell him/her that they are damaged, They will tell you that he/she isn't. which one of you is telling the truth and what kind of evidence should we take into consideration? the fact that they themselves were an OM/OW... that's not evidence. that's something you might link to a parent or parents having an affair but it does not represent firm evidence. so how do we, scientifically, measure how much someone is or isn't damaged by an affair?

 

i can speak from my own personal experience - my father's affair didn't damage me. in fact, it's kind of insulting if you were to tell me that. did it AFFECT me at all? sure. did it change our relationship? sure. do i love him or respect him any less? no. we're exceptionally close. same with my mother.

 

i put it on them for handling it the right way. it was a bumpy road, for sure - but it gave me some fantastic foundation for my adulthood and dealing with infidelity in my own marriage. so when the time came, both me and my xH had a very civil, friendly even! divorce and an open discussion about his EA. because i was showed by my parents that being cheated on really isn't the end of the world. it is painful, of course... not minimizing the pain at all. but it's different when a parent chooses to make a life tragedy out of it VS the parent who moves on with some healthy introspection. that being said - all affairs won't affect children the same way. it will affect them to some extent... but i think it's harsh to call those kids damaged.

 

i refuse to believe that my entire life is shaped by my father's affair or my parents divorce. that's just ridiculous to me.

 

my child doesn't know about my xH's affair and we intend to keep it that way, no reason she should know whatsoever. so she certainly won't be damaged or affected by it.

Edited April 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed reference to another poster. ~T

[wmacbride]

Good thread wmacbride - a very good topic to thrash out. And how's this for a theory as to how affairs can affect children - and across generations...

 

One of the things that most pains me about my own selfishness in having an affair is the potential damage I was doing to my family - I have school-age children. Post-A my wife has been amazing and we have done everything we can to shield them from it. They seem to be doing OK thankfully.

 

Obviously I have been doing a lot of introspection and self-reflection as to why I had an affair and how I could allow myself to do it. I think that one of the reasons I was able to have an affair is that I find it difficult to completely give myself emotionally to someone else. I keep some in reserve just for me. On D-day, I saw very clearly that my wife had given herself completely to me - it was evident in the total completeness of her pain. She had nothing left in reserve for herself to fall back on, she gave me everything and so when she found out about my infidelity, her pain was total. Thankfully she is doing amazingly well.

 

But why do I find difficulty in not giving myself completely to another? Why do I keep a bit in reserve just for me, just in case someone hurts me and then I have something to fall back on? Why me? Well, I think it is because my mother is the same. Growing up, my parents were fantastic and provided everything a child could need, but she was often emotionally distant and reserved, not the kind of person you could go to for endless hugs, even though she was loving in her own way. I could see that there was a bit of herself that she kept hidden away and locked in - only for her, a place where other people couldn't get to, a retreat, a place to hide if she needed to. As I grew up, I saw this as some kind of defence mechanism, and it made logical sense and it didn't make her a bad person - she was and is an excellent mother and wife. I think I got this side of myself from her, not through genes, but through observed behaviour.

 

And why was she like this? Can you guess?

 

Because her Dad walked out on her and her mother when she was 8 years old for a younger OW. She didn't see him again until she was in her 30s. She and her mother struggled in emotional pain and financial difficulty for years and my mother saved her own mother from at least two suicide attempts. Is it any wonder that she keeps a part of herself private and immune to hurt? And is it just possible that my own adoption of this defence mechanism contributed to my own ability to have an affair?

 

This is just a theory really, but it makes sense to me - I think I used my "reserves" to compartmentalise and invest in the OW, while still being invested in the M. And this is in no way an attempt to excuse my behaviour, which was awful, but does perhaps partly explain it.

 

Introspection can be a wonderful thing. It can also be incredibly difficult and painful.

 

When I was very small, I vaguely remember my mom seeming distant and far away, like her thoughts were somewhere else. That didn't mean she wasn't loving, just like she was preoccupied.

I didn't understand why, and I remember wondering if i had done something wrong.

Turned out, my dad had a "fling" and they were working through the aftermath. I only found that out years later, when I was coping with my husband's A. I had been crushed, and they talked to em about it, to show that a marriage can grow and thrive after an A.

 

It made me sad to think they had been through that, but they went on to have a long and loving marriage.

[wmacbride]

I think the only way to approach this subject is to speak of our own experience and not in generalities.

 

My affair did not hurt my children.

 

Did it affect them? I don't know. Did it affect them negatively? I don't know.

 

and how would I know if it did since they did not know about my affair?

 

They are "normal" adults...not perfect...but there does not appear to be an emotional issues.

 

and even if there were...would those issues be caused by a very short time affair by their mother when they were small? I don't know.

 

I can't speak for your exact circumstances, as only you know they were.

 

With all the communication technology available today, the risk of an A being discovered can't be discounted as easily as some ws who are engaged in an A might like to believe. What some believe is private may well not be.

 

I can't imagine how difficult it might be to be a child, teen or even grown adult to find out that your mom or dad was engaged in an A.

[summerdowling87]

My father cheated on my mother my oldest half-brother hates him till this very day.-(And my parents have been div for 27yrs)

 

My dad wasn't perfect I thought he was till I found out he was a cheater.

My grandfather cheated on my grandma she stayed..This is why I think my mom put up with my father.

Funny enough my oldest brother cheated on my SIL be for I found out I thought he was perfect and wanted a man just like him. And now when I see my once happy SIL who's sad or always seems sad. I can't look at my brother w/o thinking he's a cheater.

[summerdowling87]

As kids-(or at least for me) we think are parents are perfect and it's hard finding out one day that they aren't.

[heartwhole]

Of course I worry about this. My children were 3 and 5 on DD. We have been careful not to talk about it in front of them, but I am surely a changed person. I'm usually quite stoic and I've burst into tears a lot over the last year. That's probably who they think I am at this point!

 

But we're doing the hard work to have a healthier, happier marriage, and I think that's starting to bear fruit as well. They see us constantly affirming each other, embracing, making time for each other, etc. My husband is prioritizing our family so much more than he was before. We bought a secluded vacation home a few months after DD and we go and just spend time as a family nearly every weekend.

 

I view my husband's affair as a symptom of selfishness and poor coping skills that ballooned out of hand. Even if he'd never had an affair, the selfishness and poor coping skills were present. By the same token, I put everyone ahead of myself and lost my own voice. It's unfortunate that it took an affair for us to wake up and make better choices, but I don't think the affair itself will have a lasting legacy. I think the changes that we've made will.

[wmacbride]

I noticed a few posts back that a comparison was made to a parent with cancer not showing their children how the cancer is making them feel.

 

Cancer is not something a person realistically has any control over, beyond trying to live a healthy life. In some ways, at least for a bs, infidelity is the same. A bs can do what they can to keep their marriage healthy, yet they realistically have no control over what their spouse will do.

 

I don't know if I would think it realistic for someone with cancer or another major health issue to never let their pain show around their children, nor do I think it's realistic to expect a bs to always hide their pain.

 

I don't mean that they should ever sit their children down and say " I'm hurting mommy has been seeing another man", but more that should a child discover what has been going on, the parents shouldn't lie about it. In many ways, horrible as it might be, it can be turned into an opportunity to teach the kids about accepting responsibility, grace, moving forward from pain and how a rleationship can move through hurt to grow and thrive.

 

My kids figured out what was going on, and I admit that at first I lied about it, and I hate that I did. Once we were able to discuss it as a family, they were able to talk about how they felt, ask questions and learn that even something as big as infidelity doesn't automatically mean a marriage is over.

We also reinforced that it was not they fault and we both love them so much.