Together after a break, but she's distant

[Emthree]

Background: She cheated on me, and from what I can tell is going through textbook GIGS. Im just going to say this has GIGS written all over it in order to spare an excessive background. Long term relationship 4.5 yrs, has been really amazing non-abusive rarely fight, both of us are 20. I reacted emotionally and dumped her and immediately wanted her back, asked about fixing us, and she says she needs a break. Says she loves me so so much, cares about me, needs time to figure herself out, isn't sure if she can't be with me right now but possibly in the future etc etc. I pleaded for 2 days and she was growing increasingly upset and insisted, then told her I respect her decision etc and I was able to get her to give me a time line of 2 months for the break. So I decided I'll just go NC unless she reaches out to me.

 

1 week in I ran into her at the gym by odd coincidence (she never goes to that gym location, or at that time) I essentially didn't even acknowledge her while I worked out, then left. That night she texted me telling me that she won't go to that gym anymore so I don't feel like I can't work out there, I told her I didn't feel that way I was just giving her space. So then she tells me... she doesn't need any space? She fought so hard for this break, what does that even mEan? We exchange a couple more texts and she was very friendly, and things like 'WE' as if we are still a coupke. It's about 2 weeks after that and I haven't talked to her since then. currently I'm kind of confused what she wants and I don't want to break my NC and risk backtracking.

 

I realize the best thing I can do is just work on myself while she figures her stuff out and contacts me, but what are some thoughts on the matter? Is there hope for reconciloation? I've done a lot of self reflection and am prepared to work on our relationship.

[MrWhite]

"I essentially didn't even acknowledge her while I worked out, then left. "

You gave each other the cold shoulder and\or both appeared to not care by not acknowledging each other.

 

 

"I was just giving her space. So then she tells me... she doesn't need any space?"

You offered her something and she does not want anything from you. (even if it is just an abstact idea; "space")

 

 

" It's about 2 weeks after that and I haven't talked to her since then. "

Both doing your own things. No change.

 

 

"I realize the best thing I can do is just work on myself while she figures her stuff out and contacts me"

100% correct. Stay in NC. If she wants anything, let her contact you.

[PegNosePete]

SHE cheated on you, and now you're letting HER decide the terms and conditions for a continued relationship?

 

You have this backwards my friend. When you discovered her cheating you should have laid down the law, and told her that if she wants to save the relationship, she needs to bend over backwards to keep you happy. If she wasn't prepared to do that then you should have shown her the door permanently.

 

I would write this one off. Seems she doesn't give a care in the world about your relationship. Otherwise she wouldn't have cheated, and she wouldn't have asked for a "break". Relationships are not fixed by lack of communication, quite the opposite in fact. It seems the relationship is well and truly over. Sorry.

[Pat944]

I would agree with the other two posts that NC for now is best. Reconciliation is possible and you are exceptionally forgiving and patient to even consider it. You would understandably be concerned that GIGS will still be a factor in the future. She has changed in ways that she is still trying to figure out. Time will tell.

[sandylee1]

You're both young and she may have wanted to see other guys, but she should have ended it with you first.

 

Save yourself the headache and move on to someone who respects you enough not to think it's okay to sleep around.

[d0nnivain]

, but what are some thoughts on the matter? Is there hope for reconciloation? I've done a lot of self reflection and am prepared to work on our relationship.

 

 

Breaks make things worse. They do not fix anything. If you want to fix a relationship you have to work on it together. Being apart allows things to fester.

 

 

You are 20 years old & have been with her since you were 15/16 years old. She has cheated on you & you are aware she has GIGS. All of those are classic signs that your teenage romance is not going to survive the transition to adulthood. For her this relationship has run its course.

 

 

She's saying all the sweet words about still loving you & caring about you because you were her 1st love. There are a lot of memories tied up in here: prom, graduation etc. That said, she's still done with you & this relationship. She is simply too young & inexperienced to make a clean break so she's dragging this out because she doesn't know what else to do.

 

 

While it's nice that you want to work on the relationship, there is nothing to work on because she has already checked out.

 

 

My advice: end it once & for all. As soon as you rip the proverbial Band-Aid off the sooner you can start to heal -- which will be painful & take a while. Then you can move on with your life.

[Emthree]

Short background: my girlfriend 4.5 yrs cheated, I want to be with her but she says she needs a break, needs time to figure things out, etc. She has GIGS pretty certain.

 

Break was set for 2 months. I've taken up NC, it's been about a month. She texted asking if I am doing well, I said of course Best wishes.

 

Then she says

> Miss you

>do you miss me?

 

<I respect your decision. [To take a break] take care

 

>what??

>I realize we have a little over a month left...

>I appreciate you respecting my decision but don't you miss me?

>can't you just answer me those questions

>I guess I'll just talk to you on xxx [day when break is over]

 

<if that's how much time you need I'll mark the date

 

>no. I want to talk when I want to talk.

>or when you want to

>not just when I do

 

<Okay. Then please let me know when you've figured things out and want to talk. Be well

 

(End of conv.)

 

Am I playing this right? I want her to continue pursuing me and don't want to make it seem like I've put up a wall, I don't want her to give up and move on. Reconciliation is my end goal here. And I want her to miss me during this break.

 

Did it seem like she wanted to end the break?

 

Any other thoughts? Where should i go from here? Greatly appreciated.

[TaraMaiden2]

Short background: my girlfriend 4.5 yrs cheated, I want to be with her...

...Why?

 

but she says she needs a break, needs time to figure things out, etc. She has GIGS pretty certain.

SHE cheated, and SHE needs the break?

WHat you need to do is to tell her that it's over! If she cheated, and needs a break, she doesn't consider you sufficiently important to be with, or be faithful to.

 

Break was set for 2 months. I've taken up NC, it's been about a month. She texted asking if I am doing well, I said of course Best wishes.

 

Then she says

> Miss you

>do you miss me?

 

<I respect your decision. [To take a break] take care

 

>what??

>I realize we have a little over a month left...

>I appreciate you respecting my decision but don't you miss me?

>can't you just answer me those questions

>I guess I'll just talk to you on xxx [day when break is over]

 

<if that's how much time you need I'll mark the date

 

>no. I want to talk when I want to talk.

>or when you want to

>not just when I do

 

<Okay. Then please let me know when you've figured things out and want to talk. Be well

 

(End of conv.)

You're both playing mind-games.

But she's attention-seeking.

I don't so much think she needs to play the field, or that it's GIGS. I think she's insecure and needs validation.

 

Am I playing this right? I want her to continue pursuing me and don't want to make it seem like I've put up a wall,

I'm sorry, that sounds so childish.

Taking a break requires an agreement between the two parties (although I disagree with the concept in itself. More of this opinion later.)

A break is for a specific time period and usually 4 weeks maximum will do it.

Because during that time, there should be NC, but also no dating, no going out socialising, and hooking up with anyone else. It's a time where both parties should be focusing on their own commitment to the relationship, what work they need to do, and how much into it they are, what they can do to improve themselves, for themselves, and how much of an effort they have put in, should put in and are willing to put in. It's not about making one another miss the other, pursuit, or messing with their minds. If you're just doing this in the hope of keeping her hanging, or manipulating her emotions, you have the wrong idea.

 

I don't want her to give up and move on. Reconciliation is my end goal here. And I want her to miss me during this break.

Then this break is going on too long, and you are doing this for entirely the wrong reasons.

 

I disagree with the concept of a break because you either break up or you don't. If there's a problem within the relationship (and clearly, there is!) it's a far better course of action for the pair to talk, discuss, communicate, engage in dialogue and work on the problem together. Not separately. How the hell are you going to address the problem if you don't sit down and talk to each other?!

 

Why did she cheat?

What drove her from you to another?

Look to your role?

What could you have done more? Better?

Can you now wholeheartedly trust her?

 

Did it seem like she wanted to end the break?

You should end the break in one of two ways: Start talking about the problem itself, or break up for good.

A 'break' is a namby-pamby way of believing you're addressing the main crux of the issue, when all you're doing is merely being manipulative.

What are you going to do about this?

 

Any other thoughts? Where should i go from here? Greatly appreciated.

End the break, suggest counselling. If you guys really want to stay together, do something constructive, instead of this plying around with this rubbish.

[Emthree]

After she demanded a break, we are back in our relationship. I have been putting in lots of effort however it is not being reciprocated. She is being distant. I want to back off and just let her initiate contact however I feel I am in a bind since that was part of the things she had a problem with before the break. What should I do?

Edited April 18, 2016 by Emthree

[Rachel39]

How long were you separated before getting back together.. Do you feel it's making you feel insecure?

[Emthree]

How long were you separated before getting back together.. Do you feel it's making you feel insecure?

 

A month. I went NC and she reached out and said she wanted to make this work. She has helped make me feel secure with her words but her actions including this make me feel insecure yes.

[privategal]

I would give this a set amount of time...say 3 full weeks of effort and be open in your communication...if it doesnt improve...break up firmly and go NC.

Second chances dont work very often.

Imo 30 days wasnt long enough for both if you to make changes and be able to come back stronger.

If your only just going to struggle then why waste more time?

If you are giving it your all and its not good enough after SHE asked YOU to "work" it out...that implys both of you will be doing work.

She seems to expect you to appease her.

What are YOUR needs?

Id sit down and tell her whats up...

[mightycpa]

You already know the answer.

 

Being together willingly should be effortless for the two of you. That it is work for one, and apparently impossible for the other, well, that just tells you what this is.

 

A REALLY BAD IDEA.

 

I'm going to put a thought in your head. Not only are you interviewing for a position with her, but she's interviewing for a position with you. If you could have anything you wanted in a relationship, would it be this? I think not.

 

As a result, you've got to call her back in, thank her for the time and opportunity she's given you, and let her know that sometimes, when you have to try too hard, that's a sign that it's just not meant to be. Don't hold on to something that isn't what you want it to be. Don't hold on to something just because it was good before.

 

Time to go my friend. Be brave. Pull the trigger and shoot this puppy dead, before it shoots you.

[RocketQueen]

After she demanded a break, we are back in our relationship. I have been putting in lots of effort however it is not being reciprocated. She is being distant. I want to back off and just let her initiate contact however I feel I am in a bind since that was part of the things she had a problem with before the break. What should I do?

 

What was the initial problem that caused the break?

[Satu]

The 'break' was the warning tremor that came before the impending breakup.

 

If she's distant, it's going to end soon.

 

Don't be taken by surprise.

 

If you can summon the necessary will, end it yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Emthree]

What was the initial problem that caused the break?

 

She communicated that she felt unloved and unwanted. She was interested in seeing someone else i discovered. And it didn't work out. She said it was the push she needed to realize she wanted to be with me or whatever.

[Emthree]

We have gone through a lot of emotions and she has communicated she isn't sure that she can give 100% and things will take time. She has hurt me a lot and I feel that way also. I don't know if ending it right now is the best idea. I like the idea of continuing to try for another few weeks.

[RocketQueen]

Ok, just asking because me and my Ex decided to give it another try. Different reasons for the break up but one of the things I did say when we started to talk about reconciliation was that he made me feel unloved etc

 

Things didn't really change, he still lacked the ability (whether it was a lack of trying or that he simply couldn't give me the little things I was hoping for due to lack of feeling) and it made me withdraw slightly.

 

That said, I think the difference here is that she already expressed an interest in someone else, that didn't work and she realised it was you she wanted- I think she needs to be a little more open if this is going to work, its not quite as black and white- the effort needs to be 50/50.

[Satu]

She communicated that she felt unloved and unwanted. *She was interested in seeing someone else i discovered. And it didn't work out. She said it was the push she needed to realize she wanted to be with me or whatever.

 

 

 

If her interest in this other guy had been reciprocated, you'd be done.

 

The minute she meets a man she's interested in, you're done.

 

You are just a placeholder.

 

Don't allow yourself to be used by her.

[LD1990]

She communicated that she felt unloved and unwanted. She was interested in seeing someone else i discovered. And it didn't work out. She said it was the push she needed to realize she wanted to be with me or whatever.

 

That's quite the revisionist history on her part. She broke up with you because she wanted to be with someone else instead. You were her backup plan. Saying that relationship not working out was "the push she needed" is BS that she's telling you to hide the fact that she's using you as a backup.

 

This is unfortunately pretty common in relationships. The woman (or man but this particularly scenario is more common with women) meets some new guy she has chemistry with and because it's new it's more exciting than her current relationship. New guy makes her feel wanted because he's actually pursuing her whereas you have her already. And she leaves. Not everyone is like this, but a lot of people are, so it's good you found this out now. If she did it once, she'll do it again.

[mightycpa]

She communicated that she felt unloved and unwanted. She was interested in seeing someone else i discovered. And it didn't work out. She said it was the push she needed to realize she wanted to be with me or whatever.

It? You mean the fact that it didn't work out? It should have been the push you needed to realize that she didn't want to be with you, because if for no other reason, you can look to your own motivations.

 

You want to be with her, so what are you spending your energy trying to accomplish?

 

Satu said you are a placeholder. That's exactly what you are.

 

Why do you want this to go on longer? Are you afraid you can't handle the coming wall of hurt?

[Satu]

We have gone through a lot of emotions and she has communicated she isn't sure that she can give 100% and things will take time. She has hurt me a lot and I feel that way also. I don't know if ending it right now is the best idea. *I like the idea of continuing to try for another few weeks.

 

*Try what?

 

Try to be good enough?

 

Try not to feel bad about the distant way she behaves towards you?

 

Try not to feel that its all one-sided?

 

Try what?

[Been]

RUN. She cheats on you and your the one putting in work to make the relationship better?

Want me to tell you what I think? I think she cheated on you and the grass wasn't greener so she came back to you. Your a second choice.

She's got you in orbit while she looks for some else-hence why she is distant.

[shap]

Dude...she cheated on you! Quit being a chump and walk away.

[bathtub-row]

I'm going to give you the short answer: the two of you were too young to be involved so heavily and for so long. This has stunted your ability to grow as individuals. She is feeling this on every level and wants to escape, even though she cares about you deeply. Both of you need to be on your own for awhile and focus on your education, careers, whatever. If you're meant to be together, it'll happen sometime in the future.