KateC10 Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 Hi folks, This must have been discussed over and over again already, but it's eating me from the inside, it would be great to hear some advices from all of you. I've been hurt and cheated on in my last relationship, I am glad I ended it that toxic relationship, yet it hurt so much that I wasn't sure if I was able to trust people again, every once a while I'd receive e-mail from my ex, telling me how much he misses me and he regrets cheating on me, but I know for sure that i don't love him anymore, there won't be "us" in the future. so I felt quite content for a while, I was proud of myself for being able to cut all the contacts, not looking back at all, I worked on myself, went on a few dates with different guys, I felt great, I felt like my life was getting back on order. It's only until a few months ago, I met this guy, we went out a few times, didn't expect it would turn out to be anything serious, but it did, and it scared the **** out of me, I've come to realised that I've been very detached and closed up every since my last relationship, as that was the way I protected myself, I tried hard to not fall in love with anyone, don't get attached, don't have high expectation, but things went out of my hands with this guy, i am madly in love and I know he is too. the thing is, I have trust issues because of I had been cheated on in my last relationship, I was never a insecure type before, I've never snooped on my partners' phones, never called them up just to asked where they are/who are they with, but I really feel the need to do all of those things now, I doubt if he really loves me, I wonder what he is doing when I am not around, I wonder what he says to his friends about me, I over analyse whatever he says, I am fully aware of all of these irrational thoughts I have, yet I can't help it. On the other hand, his families and friends know me, he has our picture together on social media, we spend a lot of time together, he knows that I've been hurt and tries his best to make me feel safe. but the jealousy, insecurity still sneak in quite often, and I guess lately he's kind of grown tired of it, I can fully understand though, it is tiring, it's almost like no matter how much he does, I still can't fully trust him, I really hope my distrust and insecurity won't become a deal breaker. is there anything I can do? besides telling myself "this is irrational" every time I feel insecure and jealous? I really miss who I was, i was confident and vulnerable, not afraid of falling in love, I trusted people, It feels like so long ago..
lilmissjava Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 These newly developed insecurities will only perpetuate if you don't address them soon. You should consider some counselling/therapy to work through this. Once trust is lost, it is very hard to get that back. Don't punish your partner for your ex's behaviour, or the inevitable will happen.
ad4m Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 Don't punish your partner for your ex's behaviour, or the inevitable will happen. Hit the nail on the head. Just because you are feeling these insecurities, doesn't mean your new partner should suffer. At the end of the day, the past is the past and if you let it affect your future, then your relationship probably won't have a happy outcome.
selinaluv Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) These newly developed insecurities will only perpetuate if you don't address them soon. You should consider some counselling/therapy to work through this. Once trust is lost, it is very hard to get that back. Don't punish your partner for your ex's behaviour, or the inevitable will happen. This right here. I was cheated on in my marriage and the process was very painful. Since then I have had two men who I got very close to and in both instances experienced anxiety and panic attacks because of my insecurity with it all. Both of those were happy, positive experiences and I almost sabotaged them, was hurting myself because of my issues, and punishing them for the sins of my ex. I put myself in therapy to deal with all this and it did help. Years later I continue to go in and our of therapy to deal with the aftermath of my divorce. It also helped me identify personal, childhood issues that cause me to fall for a certain type of man. Edited April 19, 2016 by selinaluv
DevotedBaker54 Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 I agree with the other posts here... therapy is really helpful! You said he "tries his best to make me feel safe." I would remind yourself of that when you feel insecure. When you are cheated on, you feel hurt and you are insecure now because you don't want to feel that way again, but by guarding your heart, you are preventing yourself from experiencing all the good emotions that come when you fall in love. Don't let your insecurity get in the way of that feeling!
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