GF still talks to ex and guy she cheated with

[ad4m]

My GF and I have been going out now for 3 and a bit months. It has gone pretty great so far, I mean to be honest, she is the best person I have dated. I don't want to jinx anything, but I see a bright future for us. Anyway, we love each other and everything is great, except for this one thing that is bothering me.

 

We both go on each others phones (we are in an comfortable relationship so have nothing to hide from each other) and yesterday I was on her SC. I found that not only is she still talking to her ex, granted not very often, but she is also talking to the guy she cheated on him with.

 

This gave me a massive red flag as I just thought 'well if she is not only talking to her ex but also the guy she cheated on him with, then does she really love me at all?'.

 

For the record, we both love each other. However, after seeing this, I'm thinking is her love even real, or is she just saying it?

 

So I need your help.......

 

Basically, most of you will probably say that she obviously doesn't love you and you should end it etc...., but she actually told me she loved me before I told her.

 

I love this girl so much and when I'm with her, everything seems right. I really do think we have a future together, but after seeing who she is still talking to, it does make me think does she actually love me.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Raena]

3 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Give it some time and see how it goes. Are you concerned that she has boundary issues? It's probably safe to assume that if she cheated in her last relationship and is still keeping in touch with both then she probably does have boundary issues.

 

If you are so in love, you should be able to communicate your concerns to her. Ask her why she's still talking to them both and what she hopes to gain from it.

[Alamo657]

My GF and I have been going out now for 3 and a bit months. It has gone pretty great so far, I mean to be honest, she is the best person I have dated. I don't want to jinx anything, but I see a bright future for us. Anyway, we love each other and everything is great, except for this one thing that is bothering me.

 

We both go on each others phones (we are in an comfortable relationship so have nothing to hide from each other) and yesterday I was on her SC. I found that not only is she still talking to her ex, granted not very often, but she is also talking to the guy she cheated on him with.

 

This gave me a massive red flag as I just thought 'well if she is not only talking to her ex but also the guy she cheated on him with, then does she really love me at all?'.

 

For the record, we both love each other. However, after seeing this, I'm thinking is her love even real, or is she just saying it?

 

So I need your help.......

 

Basically, most of you will probably say that she obviously doesn't love you and you should end it etc...., but she actually told me she loved me before I told her.

 

I love this girl so much and when I'm with her, everything seems right. I really do think we have a future together, but after seeing who she is still talking to, it does make me think does she actually love me.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Some people cant completely let go of the past, and the exes probably still desire her body. Women do this often, For the reminder and for the ego, as long as she doesnt start planning things without you, trust in her.

 

However as a cheater, she intrinsically cant be trusted, but thats my opinion and your love for her will make you disregard my opinion.

[PegNosePete]

There is no way on this earth that I would date someone who is in touch with her ex and the guy she cheated on him with.

 

I would tell her that you are not comfortable with her still being in contact with them. It's not clear whether she knows you snooped or not; if not then you can simply start a conversation about exes and contact and ask her point blank. If she loves you then she will cut contact. If she doesn't, then you have your answer.

[salparadise]

There have been several similar threads recently. You may want to read them. The opinions will be split largely down gender lines. Males tend to think this is unacceptable, females often support other females' preference to keep ex's, orbiters and former flings in the queue.

 

My advice is to lose this utopian definition of love, which you seem to view as a state or condition that precludes complications in the relationship. It is entirely possible to love each other and at the same time engage in behaviors that will eventually destroy the relationship. Maintaining secondary opposite-sex relationships certainly has the potential to do so, even if brain chemistry is currently generating love feelings for you both.

 

Some women insist on maintaining a fan club and are adamant that it's both appropriate and harmless in their particular case. How they rationalize it varies, but they will often stand on the right to do so, even to the point of ending the current primary relationship as a matter of principle.

 

There is probably a biological component underlying this proclivity; keeping backup sources of protection and resources at the ready was/is adaptive under certain circumstances, but the desire to do so doesn't disappear simply because circumstances are now different... or because the male in the primary relationship isn't happy about the situation, as he could be eaten by the tiger any day.

 

Since your girlfriend is both a confirmed cheater and an optimizer, I'd say the chances of her giving up the other males to make you happy are slim to none. I think your best strategy would be to bring some extra females into the group so that you have a level playing field, the ability to negotiate from strength, and your own backup options at the ready.

[LoveRefreshed]

I think you are having a little bit of a jealous reaction if the msgs have been innocent and typically, I don't advocate ultimatums or rule setting. However, with particular exes, I think it's completely inappropriate to have contact with still. My GF had kept her ex husband as a friend on fb, who messaged her "he missed her" and other things.

 

I told her, as long as she needs him, I'm not comfortable going forward in our relationship. She needs to unfriend him before I let my heart get any more invested. In this vein, I left it on her to unfriend him. Her decision, not my ultimatum. I wasn't going to end our relationship, but I wasn't going to be any more serious about it than she was.

 

I would just tell her that you are very uncomfortable with those friendships and she how she responds. She might be unaware of your feelings and not really thinking about it the situation from an objective perspective (despite how obvious some of us men think it is). It's how she responds to you when you tell her your feelings that is important.

[d0nnivain]

If she is the best person you ever dated, you really need to expand your horizons.

 

 

This woman doesn't have good boundaries & she has a questionable sense of right & wrong.

 

 

She's gonna turn this around on you & claim that you are insecure because you won't tolerate this behavior. Don't buy it. You can't be friends with an EX. The fact that that wants to be friends with the girl who cheated on him when she is still friends with the OM & that girl has a new BF, tells me all of these people have strange senses of what's appropriate.

 

 

You can't be friends with EXs especially not soon after the BU. It's foolish to even try.

 

 

90 days is too soon to fall in love with anybody. True love builds over time through trust. Being allowed on her phone is not trust. She simply doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. That doesn't make it right.

 

 

This woman makes lousy decisions. Be very careful.

[Honourably honest]

I think you are right to be upset here. This girl has major boundary issues and they need to be addressed before you can go on. If she won't change her ways to meet you on this I am afraid you are probably wasting your time.

[ad4m]

I think you are right to be upset here. This girl has major boundary issues and they need to be addressed before you can go on. If she won't change her ways to meet you on this I am afraid you are probably wasting your time.

 

Thanks, actually very helpful. I think the messages are innocent, but it still bothers me. If the shoe was on the other foot, she probably wouldn't like it.

 

Next stage is for me to talk to her I guess!

[Emilia]

I think you are far too invested in these 3 months.

 

I keep in touch with exes but I don't cheat and if I did, I can't imagine bigger insult than keeping in touch with both the ex AND the guy I cheated with.

 

Time to take off the rose tinted glasses and evaluate your girlfriend's chatacter. This is what the first 6 months are for.

[kendahke]

We both go on each others phones (we are in an comfortable relationship so have nothing to hide from each other) and yesterday I was on her SC. I found that not only is she still talking to her ex, granted not very often, but she is also talking to the guy she cheated on him with.

 

This gave me a massive red flag as I just thought 'well if she is not only talking to her ex but also the guy she cheated on him with, then does she really love me at all?'.

 

It's always something, isn't it? When you think you've found the one, there's always something that fractures the vessel.

 

She certainly doesn't respect the esteem of her relationships if she is dealing with the person she's comfortable cheating with.

 

For the record, we both love each other. However, after seeing this, I'm thinking is her love even real, or is she just saying it?

 

So I need your help.......

 

Basically, most of you will probably say that she obviously doesn't love you and you should end it etc...., but she actually told me she loved me before I told her.

 

Make sure you are clear on this: does she actually love you, or does she "love 'how she feels about herself when she is with' you"? There is a huge difference between the two and at the 3 month mark, you're at the point where you've been dealing with each other's representatives up to this point and now, they've been dismissed and the real "you" has come to the fore. This is who she is and what she does--not the person you've been dealing with for the past 3 months and a bit.

 

 

I love this girl so much and when I'm with her, everything seems right. I really do think we have a future together, but after seeing who she is still talking to, it does make me think does she actually love me.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

It sounds like you'd better be ok having her cheating partner orbiting around if you want her in your life. IMO, still being friends with the person who I was with to break up my last relationship means that they are more of a principle person in my life, not the person I've subsequently gotten with. If he hasn't been launched by now, then you're going to have to put up with that relationship. She's old enough to know that that relationship cannot stand--and if she wants him so badly in her life, why isn't she in a relationship with him, considering the damage they've both done together?

 

I'd rein in the "I love you"'s because that should only be said to someone who has your undivided loyalty. She ain't that one.

[kendahke]

There have been several similar threads recently. You may want to read them. The opinions will be split largely down gender lines. Males tend to think this is unacceptable, females often support other females' preference to keep ex's, orbiters and former flings in the queue..

 

In this case and in cases like this, I believe that it is wrong to keep orbiters and ex's around. If she'd stated up front "hey, I'm still friends with my ex's, I see no reason to launch them just because we couldn't make it work and you need to be cool with that or else we wont' go any further" and he agrees then changes his mind, then yeah, I'd say "you agreed to the terms going in; you can't now complain about it". But it doesn't sound like she said anything to OP--he found out by looking at her snapchat.

 

I'm left wondering when she was going to get around to telling him that she was still in contact with her cheating partner since she knows OP goes through her phone and would eventually come across that. Why would she let him fall into that hole knowing it was there? That, to me, says a lot about how she really esteems OP. It sounds more like she likes to have her cake and eat it, too.

Edited April 18, 2016 by kendahke

[Larryville]

There have been several similar threads recently. You may want to read them. The opinions will be split largely down gender lines. Males tend to think this is unacceptable, females often support other females' preference to keep ex's, orbiters and former flings in the queue. My advice is to lose this utopian definition of love, which you seem to view as a state or condition that precludes complications in the relationship.

There is no way on this earth that I would date someone who is in touch with her ex and the guy she cheated on him with.

If she is the best person you ever dated, you really need to expand your horizons.

Seems obvious to me too but...

[reference to content outside the current thread, lacking attribution, redacted]

Edited April 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ad4m]

In this case and in cases like this, I believe that it is wrong to keep orbiters and ex's around. If she'd stated up front "hey, I'm still friends with my ex's, I see no reason to launch them just because we couldn't make it work and you need to be cool with that or else we wont' go any further" and he agrees then changes his mind, then yeah, I'd say "you agreed to the terms going in; you can't now complain about it". But it doesn't sound like she said anything to OP--he found out by looking at her snapchat.

 

I'm left wondering when she was going to get around to telling him that she was still in contact with her cheating partner since she knows OP goes through her phone and would eventually come across that. Why would she let him fall into that hole knowing it was there? That, to me, says a lot about how she really esteems OP. It sounds more like she likes to have her cake and eat it, too.

 

This is a concern of mine too. She has told me in the past about this friend (guy) of her's in Scotland (we live in south west UK) that she knows, and they talk a reasonable amount, which is fine and I thought nothing of it. Then I find out this is in fact the guy that she cheated on her ex with.

 

She still talks to him, not loads, but a reasonable amount.

 

It got me thinking, why didn't she just tell me that was who she was talking to, rather than saying he was just a friend.

 

And regarding all of the things about our love in this thread, I know I definitely love her, even though it's only been 3 months, and I thought she definitely loved me. However, this whole thing about still talking to her ex, and the guy she cheated on him with, it does make me question is she just saying it without any actual feeling or meaning.....

[Alamo657]

Two choices :

- she's young and inexperienced and doesnt see how wrong she is in regards to you; this could be fixed if she has some brains And you talk to her.

 

- she's not inexperienced, and she loves to be loved (by you for the time being ) and you're in for a massive disappointment when she meets a new shiny guy, once she sucked out all the love you had to give her

[smackie9]

Go by her actions not what she says to you....talk is easy, actions speaks for itself.

 

BTW sharing phones??? really? sharing phones isn't trust, that's keeping track.

[salparadise]

...and I thought she definitely loved me. However, this whole thing about still talking to her ex, and the guy she cheated on him with, it does make me question is she just saying it without any actual feeling or meaning.

 

 

I don't think it necessarily means her feelings for you aren't real, she just likes having the entourage. She'd likely be jealous as hell if you were doing the same thing. Like kendahke said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. The big question here is whether she cares enough about her primary relationship to give up the entourage. You'll have to press the issue to figure that out.

 

For what it's worth, I (and most men) could never be happy with a woman who does that, so it's something I try to determine early when starting to date someone new. I think it's a small minority who are so inclined and are unwilling to cut them off in the interest of their primary relationship, but some are adamant and seem not to understand that this will always be at the cost of the primary.

[ad4m]

Go by her actions not what she says to you....talk is easy, actions speaks for itself.

 

BTW sharing phones??? really? sharing phones isn't trust, that's keeping track.

 

I don't think sharing phones is a sign of trust either, I'm just saying that is what we do. It doesn't mean I trust her more because I'm using her phone....

 

I don't think it necessarily means her feelings for you aren't real, she just likes having the entourage. She'd likely be jealous as hell if you were doing the same thing. Like kendahke said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. The big question here is whether she cares enough about her primary relationship to give up the entourage. You'll have to press the issue to figure that out.

 

For what it's worth, I (and most men) could never be happy with a woman who does that, so it's something I try to determine early when starting to date someone new. I think it's a small minority who are so inclined and are unwilling to cut them off in the interest of their primary relationship, but some are adamant and seem not to understand that this will always be at the cost of the primary.

 

I think I have arrived at the same conclusion.

[suzyhodge]

I might be in the minority but I do not understand why an adult wants to remain close friends with an ex relationship, unless we are considering 2 dates in high school 25 years ago or something. And to keep in touch with someone who cheated with is a massive no-no in my opinion.

 

She may not have any actual malice about this at all, and she is obviously not really trying to hide it. But it sounds like she is immature, unrealistic, and has problems with boundaries. That is not a good combination.

[ad4m]

I might be in the minority but I do not understand why an adult wants to remain close friends with an ex relationship, unless we are considering 2 dates in high school 25 years ago or something. And to keep in touch with someone who cheated with is a massive no-no in my opinion.

 

I agree, I don't get why she is still talking to either of them, and I would rather she didn't if I'm honest.

 

I think I just need to talk to her.