MidwestUSA Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Its alittle tough for me to plan something because money is very tight for me. Until I graduate with my nursing degree, I dont have alot of money to spend on outings but I could plan dinner and treat him once in a while. Tonight he said he was free tomorrow night after work. I told him I have plans with friends tomorrow night. I'm starting to push back alittle...not in a game playing way but in a way that makes me less available. Then he said "I miss you" even though I just saw him last night. Stepping back is working already Dis, just a thought, coming from a nurse. We tend to take on the role of caretaker very easily (after all, that's what we are). It's important not to overdo it. A self proclaimed 'dating guru' friend of mine, a guy, told me nurses and teachers make the best partners (his opinion), because of our care taking/mothering nature. Just don't let the mothering become smothering. And focus on your studies. Good luck in the program! 5
Mind-Chants Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Thanks Deb. I know that there is no "normal" when it comes to relationships but I there are some times where I need outside input. Esp when I am repeating old patterns that were not healthy. At the end of the day only me and him know what we have and what we feel for each other. If I hear an outside perspective that makes sense I'll learn from it. If I hear one that doesnt, I wont take it into consideration. Go with the flow. Think but don't overthink. Overthinking is an art of creating problems that weren't even there. There is need to balance heart and mind in a relationship. Don't let your past experience ruin your present because being stuck in the past is like walking forward with your back facing the front. You'll always miss out on what's in front of you. Your past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift—that's why they call it 'the present. Enjoy. Good luck. 1
jen1447 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Its alittle tough for me to plan something because money is very tight for me. Until I graduate with my nursing degree, I dont have alot of money to spend on outings but I could plan dinner and treat him once in a while. Tonight he said he was free tomorrow night after work. I told him I have plans with friends tomorrow night. I'm starting to push back alittle...not in a game playing way but in a way that makes me less available. Then he said "I miss you" even though I just saw him last night. Stepping back is working already Do you actually have plans tomorrow night? 1
Author Dis Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Do you actually have plans tomorrow night? I have plans with friends Saturday night but not tonight. I just told him I plans tonight because I feel like I need to be less available to him. Eh...that sounds bad now that I say it like that.
jen1447 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I have plans with friends Saturday night but not tonight. I just told him I plans tonight because I feel like I need to be less available to him. Eh...that sounds bad now that I say it like that. Exactly, bc it exposes it for the lie that it is, and lies are no basis for the foundation of a healthy relationship. I know where you're going with this and what katie was suggesting for you - that impulse is legit imo. Just do it on the up-and-up. If you think it's sth he couldn't handle hearing the truth about right now, that speaks to an issue that needs addressed. It's not sth to find a way to avoid. (You could do this btw by sth as simple as playfully saying "slow down cowboy, how about we just do next week/whatever." It doesn't have to be an OMG DRAMA! ) 2
Author Dis Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Dis, just a thought, coming from a nurse. We tend to take on the role of caretaker very easily (after all, that's what we are). It's important not to overdo it. A self proclaimed 'dating guru' friend of mine, a guy, told me nurses and teachers make the best partners (his opinion), because of our care taking/mothering nature. Just don't let the mothering become smothering. And focus on your studies. Good luck in the program! Thank you MidwestUSA! Wow, great point there. Its nice to know I'm not the only one who does this and that it has something to do with my future career. God, I always do that....become the care giver. Its in my nature to be that way, I feel like that is something I cant help but to do. Like you said that nurturing trait makes me a great gf but I need to tone is down alittle, esp in the beginning of relationships. I want to give give give, but I've learned I need to practice moderation. I feel like I'll do better with that this time around because I failed miserably with the smothering in my last relationship. I'm loving school, I'm 2 years in, have a 4.0 gpa. Its going great. My mom is an APRN, its in my blood to be giving and nurturing. I just need to find a balance in my romantic relationships. I think it will go better this time around. 1
Author Dis Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Exactly, bc it exposes it for the lie that it is, and lies are no basis for the foundation of a healthy relationship. I know where you're going with this and what katie was suggesting for you - that impulse is legit imo. Just do it on the up-and-up. If you think it's sth he couldn't handle hearing the truth about right now, that speaks to an issue that needs addressed. It's not sth to find a way to avoid. (You could do this btw by sth as simple as playfully saying "slow down cowboy, how about we just do next week/whatever." It doesn't have to be an OMG DRAMA! ) I def made a mistake there. Its not like me to be dishonest. I think he'd be fine with me saying I want to take things slower. I think I just lost sight of that because of how much I've been overthinking things. Can you clarify this for me?.... "I know where you're going with this and what katie was suggesting for you - that impulse is legit imo."
katiegrl Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Thank you MidwestUSA! Wow, great point there. Its nice to know I'm not the only one who does this and that it has something to do with my future career. God, I always do that....become the care giver. Its in my nature to be that way, I feel like that is something I cant help but to do. Like you said that nurturing trait makes me a great gf but I need to tone is down alittle, esp in the beginning of relationships. I want to give give give, but I've learned I need to practice moderation. I feel like I'll do better with that this time around because I failed miserably with the smothering in my last relationship. I'm loving school, I'm 2 years in, have a 4.0 gpa. Its going great. My mom is an APRN, its in my blood to be giving and nurturing. I just need to find a balance in my romantic relationships. I think it will go better this time around. I am glad you are enjoying it Dis. I have a nursing degree, but after graduating chose to pursue a career in legal! I loved it too... until the end when the clinicals became too intense for me. I love helping people too... but cannot stand to witness any sort of suffering and blood. Not cut out for it. But if you can handle that, more power to ya! We need more caring nurses! 1
jen1447 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I def made a mistake there. Its not like me to be dishonest. I think he'd be fine with me saying I want to take things slower. I think I just lost sight of that because of how much I've been overthinking things. Can you clarify this for me?.... "I know where you're going with this and what katie was suggesting for you - that impulse is legit imo." Just meant that I understand the desire and advice to take things slow and I think it has merit. Esp given your history. 1
katiegrl Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I def made a mistake there. Its not like me to be dishonest. I think he'd be fine with me saying I want to take things slower. I think I just lost sight of that because of how much I've been overthinking things. Can you clarify this for me?.... "I know where you're going with this and what katie was suggesting for you - that impulse is legit imo." That is how i handled it with my ex Dis. That I didn't feel comfortable with the fast pace.... let's slow down a bit. He responded very positively, and as I said, thanked me later, as his history was dashing in fast..... then dashing out just as fast. Don't just pretend to be busy.... that won't work anyway and he may eventually interpret it as meaning you're not all that interested. 1
Kamille Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I'm of two minds about saying you are busy vs talking about taking things slow. Let me preface this by saying that my own definition of having other plans is very large: if your plan is to hang at home with your cats, that, to me, qualifies you as busy. I don't think you should artificially introduce distance just to snag him. I think you should set a pace that allows you not to lose your identity in the relationship. This involves taking those evenings to hang out at home with your cats. And rabbit. It's just you taking care of yourself. Also, while others here have had a good experience talking about "slowing things down", it's introduced unnecessary tension when I brought it up in a past relationship. I've since proceeded to simply slow things down through actions (making plans to hang out in my pjs singing to my plants) rather than talk. It works better to be honest. 3
Cinnamonstix Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I'm of two minds about saying you are busy vs talking about taking things slow. Let me preface this by saying that my own definition of having other plans is very large: if your plan is to hang at home with your cats, that, to me, qualifies you as busy. I don't think you should artificially introduce distance just to snag him. I think you should set a pace that allows you not to lose your identity in the relationship. This involves taking those evenings to hang out at home with your cats. And rabbit. It's just you taking care of yourself. Also, while others here have had a good experience talking about "slowing things down", it's introduced unnecessary tension when I brought it up in a past relationship. I've since proceeded to simply slow things down through actions (making plans to hang out in my pjs singing to my plants) rather than talk. It works better to be honest. Agree with this. I like a lighthearted approach first. Instead of lying and saying you had plans with friends, I would have just said "Tuesday works better for me. How about then?" In any case, I'm glad that you are changing things up and are taking some time for yourself 2
katiegrl Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) I'm of two minds about saying you are busy vs talking about taking things slow. Let me preface this by saying that my own definition of having other plans is very large: if your plan is to hang at home with your cats, that, to me, qualifies you as busy. I don't think you should artificially introduce distance just to snag him. I think you should set a pace that allows you not to lose your identity in the relationship. This involves taking those evenings to hang out at home with your cats. And rabbit. It's just you taking care of yourself. Also, while others here have had a good experience talking about "slowing things down", it's introduced unnecessary tension when I brought it up in a past relationship. I've since proceeded to simply slow things down through actions (making plans to hang out in my pjs singing to my plants) rather than talk. It works better to be honest. That's interesting because that's what I started out doing (showing him I wanted to slow down through actions) but that didn't fly -- caused he kept wondering why I was always so busy and never (or rarely) had time for him! Translation: Why wasn't I always available when HE wanted to see me, which was pretty much every day!! Anyway, my being busy.... only resulted in him becoming a bit insecure...and doubting our connection. It was only after I was honest and explained I wasn't comfortable with the super fast pace.... that he understand and was more receptive. He felt better, we both did! We had a better understanding of each other, our needs, expectations, etc. To each his own though... everyone is different and will therefore have a different response. Edited April 22, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Cinnamonstix Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 That's interesting because that's what I started out doing (showing him I wanted to slow down through actions) but that didn't fly -- caused he kept wondering why I was always so busy and never had time for him! It caused him to become a bit insecure. It was only after I was honest and explained I wasn't comfortable with the super fast pace.... that he understand and was more receptive. He felt better, we both did! We had a better understanding of each other, our needs, expectations, etc. To each his own though... everyone is different and will therefore have a different response. You do both. Try to communicate with actions first and if that doesn't work, spell it out, just as you did. 1
katiegrl Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 You do both. Try to communicate with actions first and if that doesn't work, spell it out, just as you did. I get your point.... but for me, if it ever happens again (we broke up in December after six years)... I think I would rather just be honest and explain what I prefer and expect from the get go. Again, just so he understands me.... and vice versa. If he can't handle the slower pace and my honesty, then he is not the guy for me. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) I get your point.... but for me, if it ever happens again (we broke up in December after six years)... I think I would rather just be honest and explain what I prefer and expect from the get go. Again, just so he understands me.... and vice versa. If he can't handle the slower pace and my honesty, then he is not the guy for me. I see your point too. For me, context is important. I'm a really honest and open communicator in relationships, so I will be direct if things are getting more serious. But in the beginning I tend to lead with actions. I have heard from guys that I can be a bit of a mystery though. Edited April 22, 2016 by Cinnamonstix 3
katiegrl Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I see your point too. For me, context is important. I'm a really honest and open communicator in relationships, so I will be direct if things are getting more serious. But in the beginning I tend to lead with actions. I have heard from guys that I can be a bit of a mystery though. I get that too.... too much of a mystery. And elusive as well. That is why I have tried hard to be more forthcoming about who I am and what I need and expect. In turn they do as well. I think with the next guy who comes on super strong like my ex did, I will just have to play it out.... with him. Do what you suggest at first (and what I did at first with my ex) and lead with actions. See how that goes. If he finds that I am being too elusive and mysterious.... change my course of action and have a discussion. 1
Author Dis Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 Sorry I've been MIA, I got sick. Feeling better now. Thank you so much for your replies, they make alot of sense. I think I'll start by showing through my actions that I want to take things slower, however I know I may need to eventually tell him that straight up because he is moving pretty quickly. He's been saying over the past 2 days that he misses me and to get better so he can see me. He's been really sweet checking in on me, asking if I need anything, hoping I feel better. His last ex wanted him to move in after 2 months. He said that was way too quick and the fact that they were not on the same page led them to break up. So I'm not sure if he has a history of rushing things. Doesnt seem like he did with this girl. His other ex had an eating disorder, she was very much an unwell person physically and mentally. It seems like both him and I have a history of being with people who are too unwell to be in a relationship. I told him I always end up being the person that does all the bending/compromising and he told me I wouldnt have to do that with him. I'm looking forward to where things are going with us. I know we'll be really happy to see each other in a few days. It wont be the usual everyday/every other day occurance so it will be more special. 2
Author Dis Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 You're going to ruin this relationship before it even gets off the ground. You cannot question every little thing. Should I take him food? Why was his kiss weird? Who's Victoria? It's going to get old really fast. Take things at face value until you have reason to believe otherwise. He's not your past. He's your now. I keep re-reading this post. He didnt text me today...very weird. He also didnt ask to meet up with me tonight even though he had the night off....very weird again. But we just saw each other last night so I didnt want to meet up again tonight anyway. I need to stop overthinking...brain pls stop 1
jen1447 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Just be the ziti girl - you were right on with that play and not overthinking anything. 1
Author Dis Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Just be the ziti girl - you were right on with that play and not overthinking anything. Thanks Jen! All is well...I was overthinking. I need to remember I'm a catch and I'm worth sticking around for. I know that, I just loose sight of it sometimes. My mind runs wild and I forget what a strong person I am. I've gotten out of that bad head space and am feeling confident and assured. Some nights are just tough. I need to enjoy this, enjoy him and the beginning 1
Author Dis Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 I'm feeling annoyed and a bit disconnected with my bf. I've limited the time we see each other to 2 days a week...which is fine (we were moving too fast before, spending too mch time together). But in between our dates I feel really disconnected from him sometimes because he is not a big texter at all. Sends very boring, short, disengaged texts. Its only the 3rd week we've been exculsive so this is all very new...I just feel like I need alittle more to grab on to. Part of it is that I worry hes not interested anymore, that worry has turned out to be unfounded because everytime we see each other hes very lovey dovey and affectionate, lets me know hes happy. He actually asked me if I was happy with how things are going so far. I told him I was, he said he was happy that I feel that way. Hes soooo great in person but I only see him twice a week and when I dont see him I feel soooo far away from him emtionally. I dont know if I just need to chill or spend more time with him...what do I do??? Am I stupid for feeling this way???
Blanco Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 You aren't wrong for feeling that way, but don't lose sight of how he is in person. I understand feeling that sense of uneasiness in a relationship, but if he's emotionally there when you two are together, you have to really embrace that and just remind yourself that he just isn't big on texting. I personally like getting texts here and there from a romantic partner, but I don't really want to engage in a long conversation that way. Is it possible to maybe speak to him on the phone for a few minutes on the days you don't see each other? 4
Author Dis Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 You aren't wrong for feeling that way, but don't lose sight of how he is in person. I understand feeling that sense of uneasiness in a relationship, but if he's emotionally there when you two are together, you have to really embrace that and just remind yourself that he just isn't big on texting. I personally like getting texts here and there from a romantic partner, but I don't really want to engage in a long conversation that way. Is it possible to maybe speak to him on the phone for a few minutes on the days you don't see each other? You're right. The way he is with me in person is amazing, I feel so loved and happy when I'm with him (in person). Yes...I need to remind myself of that. Its just that the way I feel when I'm with him fades after a day or two and then I feel the disconnect because he doesnt like to text. I know this is going to sound strange but I'm not big into phone conversations. Although he called me at work yesterday and I thought that was thoughtful. I guess its like you said...its that early relationship uneasiness. That and feeling disconnected in between dates. One thing that would be important for me to mention is my last bf love bombed me so....constant texts, phone calls 24/7. So I guess thats what I'm used to so this is a big adjustment. Dont get me wrong, I'll take a sincere guy who isnt big on texting over a love bomber any day. I'm just trying to settle into this new relationship and all that it entails.
jen1447 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I feel you on the texting - that's a must for me. (Sometimes it's the only way I manage to talk to all my ppl daily.) I'd feel kinda emotionally voided if their was this big text chasm between us. But you can force him to become Mr. Texter. Why not just spend more time together? It's early honeymoon days, that's when you should be soaking each other up, not starving yourselves. 1
Recommended Posts