miss-gonewest Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Right, some know my story, most don't but anyway... We broke up (big fight), after 4-5 months. He split cos it was all too hard, after a week or so, we talked as mates, then as ex's and sorted some stuff out. I sent an email (trust a woman to do the work) , got a positive response back, then we talked tonight... cool! The upshot is that instead of working together, he decided that it was kinda tough this relationship stuff, but he thought I was a spunk (which I am!) and that it would be great to maybe catch up for a drink, but also mentioned that he'd still love to sleep together when he comes home (he works away - 2 weeks off, one week home).... Now to me, this arrangement is great (if you're a bloke) but hello? I'm not a call girl! I don't need insight into how men work, but what gives? He knows that the only law I ever lay down is one of fidelity and that I will not stand for being cheated on... but ... I know men think with their *****s but surely? Not all the time? For always? I told him my viewpoints and we worked it out, but what I want to know is that as a man (fellow LS'ers) wouold just having a shag cut it for you? Does companionship not mean a thing? I know there is the whole friends with benefits thing out there, but what I want to know is would you prefer to just get laid or would you really (at the end of the day) prefer just a little more?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 This is my personal opinion entirely, but if I was in your place I'd have told him to F#@$ off. Maybe not used that word in the actual conversation, but my mind would definitely be yelling it! I don't know why he made this kind of arrangement....I mean, after you do start talking to a person whose heart you've broken, do you say, "Ok...let's resume hanging out once in a while, but mind you, we'll have sex when I'm home". That's a F@#$ buddy....sorry for the lack of a better term!! For him, it's free sex, no strings attached - that was exactly what he wanted before, I'm guessing. And that was precisely why you were upset with him when you were in a relationship with him! So after you begin this again, you know you'll feel rotten every time he "uses" you for his own means and then emotionally there is nothing. You know how painful that is!! Besides, as far as sex goes, it's not the act itself that matters - it's who you do it with. I would have been really glad for you if he'd approached you with a more solid, committed and companionship-based plan. It would have been a ray of hope. But this sounds like it's everything his way again. This is just my take on it....I hope you will think about it before you take any step. I wish you the best....remember, I was actually hoping to follow in your path where I could begin to regain some peace of mind!! Take care...
outdated Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Don't have sex with him until you're getting what you want out of the relationship. Play by your terms, not his. And yes, men like companionship, but we'll also settle for a good shag if it doesn't come around.
tricky Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Well, we don't think with our d@%&s all the time, but in this case it is quite apparent that he does. Don't do it, he will not respect you. Anyway, you're a spunk, then go out and get someone who wil respect you. Shouldn't be too hard..
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 19, 2005 Author Posted June 19, 2005 Tricky & the gang, I hear you all.... and you are right. Just givin it up is wrong and its also something I have a big issue with - I can't do the no strings attached thing, and he knows that. However, he does sound like he still wants to date - he made it clear that its not a turn up and jump into bed thing, that he would still like to go out for dinner, see a band, have a drink etc. He also made it clear that he does care about me. All he kept saying is that he doesn't want stress when he's home... that he only wants to see me for a few nights and wants time to do his own thing and hang out with the boys. I told him that if its just shagging then its not for me - that I want companionship and I want to know that he is still my partner... he sees my point and I can see his... Its just going to be hard work to put it all into practice because personally I don't think we are back on the same page yet.
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 19, 2005 Author Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by This_Too_Shall_Pass This is my personal opinion entirely, but if I was in your place I'd have told him to F#@$ off. Maybe not used that word in the actual conversation, but my mind would definitely be yelling it! For him, it's free sex, no strings attached - that was exactly what he wanted before, I'm guessing. And that was precisely why you were upset with him when you were in a relationship with him! I would have been really glad for you if he'd approached you with a more solid, committed and companionship-based plan. It would have been a ray of hope. But this sounds like it's everything his way again. This is just my take on it....I hope you will think about it before you take any step. I wish you the best....remember, I was actually hoping to follow in your path where I could begin to regain some peace of mind!! Take care... TTSP, thanks for your great post... you always have good advice! Yep you're right - I think he really did just want the sex thing when he realised that relationships take some work; originally he did really want a gf and a relationship, but as he'd been single for so long, as soon as we'd hit a snag, he'd throw his hands in the air and want out (he always came back tho!). And yes it is everything his way - but at the moment I think he's still angry at me for shattering his illusions about relationships, until he lets go of that I can't do much. I've shown him where we went wrong (and that's both of us, not just me) but now I need to prove to him that I can be a different and better person. The only way to do that is when I can see him. Initially if that's just for 1 night in a week, then that's how it will have to be. Not my ideal, but its something to work with. And if you can tell me what a man's 'companionship based plan' is, do let me know! Relationships are about give and take - I guess if I can do my bit, I will give him the benefit of the doubt to do his bit... only time will tell. At least I know he is only interested in me... if he were using me while still shopping around, then I would have been long gone. There still is a slight connection between us, so I'm gonna hang on to that for now.
tricky Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 In that case I would take it easy. Be a good friend, but don't jump into bed with him at his every request. Make yourself a bit unavailable as well. If you don't, the relationship is propably not going to move much further from what it is right now. And do your thing. Make sure you take care of yourself first..
tricky Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Oh and one more thing. Men are very sexual, we get a certain sense of validation from sex. the less he gets the more he'll see what he's missing, and of course the more he'll want it..
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 19, 2005 Author Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by tricky Oh and one more thing. Men are very sexual, we get a certain sense of validation from sex. the less he gets the more he'll see what he's missing, and of course the more he'll want it.. Such a good point and yet I always forget it.... duh! Lucky for me, he's out working remotely with a bunch of blokes, it doesn't take much for him to realise what he's missing... I'll just have to make him work harder for it! Or withhold it...
smile95 Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 I know it is tempting, but I think you may be hoping that it will be more than sex and he will fall in love with you......then you will be disappointed. Is this not the same one who left you in the airport to go be with the girl he left you for??? or am I mixing posts? I would say hell NO. At this point, do not do anyting until he shows you he has changed. Just remember what you felt in that airport. If all you want is sex,. fine. But, from your posts I know that you are looking for so much more. Don't sell yourself short. He seems to be using you. Don't confuse that for love. If he loved you, sex would not even come up during one of the few conv about reconciling.
zack121 Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 I would like to say that some men actually know whats between a womens legs, but find it interesting in finding out whats between there ears as well... sorry bit of cliche It would be your call, If you want more from him (1) Tell him, (2) don't just have sex (unless thats what you want), I would tend to agree with other posters, that if he does'nt (appear) to want to be with you on a perm basis, then chances are he wants to be a wombat! Which in Australia is a native animal... but used in a male/female context means... "eats roots (another term for sex) and leaves!" hence the wombat term as thats what they do! (I am sure you've seen the t-shirt) You sound better than this, and perhaps it may lead to more of a relationship... I beleive that if you give it away, then he'll have you when and if he wants you. and this will cause you pain IMHO Your call though.. maybe ask yourself, what if it only turns out to be just sex, will that satisfy you? what do you want.
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 20, 2005 Author Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Is this not the same one who left you in the airport to go be with the girl he left you for??? or am I mixing posts? Just remember what you felt in that airport. No airports for me... you must be mixing up your posts....
Author miss-gonewest Posted June 20, 2005 Author Posted June 20, 2005 Look out everyone, I may just have had a moment of clarity... We're clinging on to being 'friends' because: (a) I don't want to lose him because he my partner & I loved him. I hope that there may be more (b) He doesn't want to lose me because I was his sexual partner and he certainly hopes he'll be 'gettin a bit more' - but only between the sheets Have I got it????
glitter_bug Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 yep, I think you've got it exactly right gonewest, I've been there too well done for figuring it out so soon, as i desperately didn't want to believe it (and you probably don't either) it took me months!
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