HandsomeBoh Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 My ex of 3 years left me about 1 year ago as she thought I was too immature and depressed. We were also in an LDR in two different continents, and though that wasn't the main reason, it took its toll on us. I loved her dearly and she didn't doubt it, but had begun to lose respect for me as a person. I didn't react in the best manner, begging and pleading, but eventually I learnt to be happy that she was happy without me and I stopped begging. I worked very hard at being the best me I could be, and spent a year creating and enforcing good habits and character traits. I learnt to be self-validating and confident, I learnt to be kind, and most importantly I learnt to be happy without her, to break out of the victim mindset and to not complain about things. With therapy, I overcame my depression as well. I improved the way I looked, the way I dressed and worked out quite a bit, and I find myself fairly popular with the ladies, though I respect both them and myself enough not to enter into a new relationship before I'm ready. I tried to keep in LC at first, mistakenly believing that she would notice the changes and come back. I continued to tell her that I loved her and would prove that I could change, but clearly she wasn't sold, and I began to realise that she wasn't coming back, at least not right now and especially with the distance between us. It wasn't a constant contact though, and we talked maybe once a month. I went into NC for the last 2 months, and I told her politely that while I still loved her, I needed to heal from the hurt. In this time, I have never checked her Facebook, never even mentioned her to our mutual friends or looked at old photos of us. But it's really not working, I think of her every single day, and I would kill to have her back in my life. I acknowledge that humans aren't that complex. If she wanted me she would have told me. I'm also in the middle of a six month overseas expedition, so there's a lot to occupy my mind and keep me interesting to other people. But I can't seem to let the thought of her go. At the end of my trip I'll return home for a medical scan which will reveal whether or not I have a chronic deadly disease, or if I'm completely fine. I've made my peace with it and I know she has nothing to do with it but should I let her know the outcome? If I'm fine I'll be moving to the country where she is to study and we will be closer than ever before, I'm not sure if I should meet her, but do you think enough time has elapsed for us to start on a clean slate?
bathtub-row Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 What you're doing wrong is still focusing too much on her. While I'm the first to encourage a person to keep fighting for the person they want, I think you're going about it the wrong way. I think you have very well lost her for some reason, but that's not to say it's completely unsalvagable. I think you need to drop her completely. By that, I mean stop considering whether you should let her know this or that. Let her wonder what's going on with you. Let her wonder why you've gone quiet. By leaving her alone, you show her that you've matured. That's not to say that you'll get her back, but it's s start. Then when you move back to where she is, don't contact her then either. Let her hear it from someone else that you're back. Wait until you accidentally run into her, and see what happens. I know it feels counterintuitive to behave as though you don't care about her, but it's probably the only shot you have at getting her back. Just be aware that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, you're not going to win some people back. Some people are aware that the same dynamics rarely go away so you're up against a past that you're going to have to overcome. 1
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