Dating a guy who always wants to split the bills...Problem?

[SwordofFlame]

Why not just offer to pay the whole bill next time he wants to split? Maybe he'll get the message then...

[salparadise]

 

This gets worse.

 

If he is so "under his mother's thumb" then you'll have his mother accompanying you on dates next!

He's not grown up yet, please move on to a mature man.

 

Yes, only men who have instructed their mothers to never buy them anything, and who will refuse the delivery if she does, are eligible to date.

 

I'm thinking we need scour the forums and create an official LS list of everything that makes a man ineligible. I wonder if any man could pass.

 

*add likes woman a moderate amount

**add allows woman to pay for anything

[Jabron1]

Why get a pair of small paper cups at the ice cream shop, when you can walk into the supermarket across the street from the parlor, and grab a pint and two spoons near the door, and split it? Much more logical.

 

Logic has no part in dating

 

Glad a lot of folks noticed this because this definitely worried me too. This came up when we were in the car about to drive somewhere, and he started tickling me trying to make me laugh. At some point I jokingly said something along the lines of, "So I guess you like me, huh?" He jokingly replied, "Uh huh, just a little bit... a little bit." So later I brought it up again and said, "Wow, you only like me just a little bit..." He said, "I like you the moderate amount..." Can't tell if that was a joke or more serious, though. I think it was the latter.

 

I think it's fairly clear he was joking or messing around. I don't think this is a big deal at all.

 

this guy's mom checks on him every day as if he was still a little baby, and sometimes would even call him in the mornings asking him if he's up and getting ready for work yet. When we are out during the day, he'd receive texts from his mom frequently and he knows that whenever his phone buzzes it'd probably be his mom a lot of times.

 

This is just daft

 

At first I thought you were exaggerating the whole 'mummies boy' thing. But you bloody weren't...

[Arieswoman]

salparadise post #37

 

Splitting the tab doesn't bother me...

 

Yes, only men who have instructed their mothers to never buy them anything, and who will refuse the delivery if she does, are eligible to date.

 

Are you serious?

 

The guy is 29 years old ffs and doesn't know what size he is because his mother buys his clothes?

 

This is beginning to sound a rather unhealthy mother/son relationship to me...

[hasaquestion]

salparadise post #37

 

Splitting the tab doesn't bother me...

 

 

 

Are you serious?

 

The guy is 29 years old ffs and doesn't know what size he is because his mother buys his clothes?

 

This is beginning to sound a rather unhealthy mother/son relationship to me...

 

I'm not the boyfriend but if someone asked me what my "shirt size" is I'd laugh at them. The letters are meaningless. Go through my closet and look at the tags and you won't know what size I am either.

[MoreAmore]

sometimes you just have to pay for the $7 ice cream cone instead of a bucket for $5 at the grocery store, purely for the experience. It's just the cost for having fun; otherwise, stay at home and don't get out at all...that'll save money for sure.

 

I do that kind of thing sometimes, even when on a date and not the one paying. The waste of money bothers me sometimes.

 

But splitting all the time is NOT sexy. It's not romantic. I'd hate it.

Better to take turns or just trust that it evens out.

 

Though most men insist on paying early on and unless there's a financial reason he's expressed I would assume it meant he wasn't very interested... because of experience.

[ktragers]

I do that kind of thing sometimes, even when on a date and not the one paying. The waste of money bothers me sometimes.

 

But splitting all the time is NOT sexy. It's not romantic. I'd hate it.

Better to take turns or just trust that it evens out.

 

Though most men insist on paying early on and unless there's a financial reason he's expressed I would assume it meant he wasn't very interested... because of experience.

 

Yeah I thought about the interest issue too, but my past experience involves guys who would pay anyway even when they were not that interested, just because they were polite and wanted to act like a gentleman. So I feel like it depends on how they are as a person and how they were raised too.

 

The reason I didn't want to write him off completely was that he's shown affection in other ways like making me home-cooked meals, driving me around on mini road/day trips, etc.

[salparadise]

salparadise post #37

 

Splitting the tab doesn't bother me...

 

 

 

Are you serious?

 

The guy is 29 years old ffs and doesn't know what size he is because his mother buys his clothes?

 

This is beginning to sound a rather unhealthy mother/son relationship to me...

 

I agree that this particular guy may be somewhat dependent upon his mother, but some people have a tendency to generalize something like the fact that his mother bought him a shirt to the obvious (to same) conclusion that he's not fit to date. As a single data point it's insignificant. If the guy actually doesn't know his own shirt size because he has never bought a shirt himself, that's different.

 

I'm just feeling a bit cynical about how quick some posters are to tell someone that the guy they're dating should not eligible to date based on few details and no larger context. And then they turn right around and tell a guy whose gf is keeping her ex's in the queue that it's her prerogative and to just get over it.

 

I do think it would be fun to assemble a he's ineligible if list

[ktragers]

Logic has no part in dating

 

 

 

I think it's fairly clear he was joking or messing around. I don't think this is a big deal at all.

 

 

 

This is just daft

 

At first I thought you were exaggerating the whole 'mummies boy' thing. But you bloody weren't...

 

Haha not exaggerating at all. One thing that perplexes me about this is that usually I'd expect a mama's boy to be pretty immature or can't make his own decisions and such, but this guy carries himself around in a mature manner most of the time, and shows that he's independent and has good life experience, etc. I've met guys who appear like a typical "baby of the family" and it usually shows immediately with a vibe that turns me off quickly. This guy is not like that, or I would have run away a long time ago.

[Arieswoman]

OK salP,

 

I do think it would be fun to assemble a he's ineligible if list

 

How about you start another thread on this?

[truth_seeker]

He's told me on many occasions that he likes me "the moderate amount"

 

I believe what he's trying to get across is he likes you enough to split the bill but not enough for him to pay the entire bill.

[Satu]

*I find this part about him very weird and it's the first time I dated someone who's a "mama's boy."

 

I think it was Carl Jung who said:

 

 

 

"The only thing worse for a man than having a mother who doesn't love him enough, is having a mother who loves him too much."

 

 

I see some truth in that.

[d0nnivain]

What makes you think he is "cheap" and not "frugal"?

 

I think he does not have a generous spirit / nature which I therefore view as cheap because he said something about liking her a moderate amount.

 

His behavior indicates that he knows the costs of everything but the value of nothing.

 

Yes, buying an ice cream come is the most expensive way to have ice cream but the joy is sharing it on the the date while you are walking around. Ice cream in particular is tough to enjoy in the more economical grocery store carton when you are out & about. It's one of those "little luxuries." This guy strikes me as somebody who has a scarce mentality. He's so focused on costs he doesn't se anything else.

 

I understand home cooked meals & applaud anybody who is frugal. I really don't have a problem with that. I abhor cheapness.

 

I'm not saying anybody mentioned in this thread does this but as an example:

 

Go out to dinner, get a doggie bag & it the left overs the next day -- frugal. No problem.

 

Eat in but make an elegant dinner -- frugal & OK

 

Eat in & make the best dinner you can afford -- again frugal & OK

 

Eat & make a cheap meal -- not even a little chicken that you could afford because you don't think your date is "worth the money" -- cheap

 

Failing to see that an inexpensive ice cream cone can bring joy because in part you are buying the experience -- cheap.

 

Being miserly with your feelings -- very Cheap

 

It's that last one that I find most objectionable.

[preraph]

No, he's not going to change from being frugal. If anything, he'll get more frugal. What I would do right now and not wait for a commitment to test it out is start saying "I want to go eat here" (some nicer place than he's used to) and then see if he balks or if he goes along and you split the bill. But at least he wasn't too cheap to go there. Understanding what his wages are would be helpful in knowing if he's cheap or if he's really just living in his means. But since you're paying, you should also get to decide where you go and what you do half the time. I'm not saying dump him if he says "I can't afford it," all I'm saying is if you have a living standard that exceeds the one he's comfortable with, then it probably isn't a good match. But if that's what became apparent after you started suggesting going to places and he said he can't, then at that time, I think you should just ask him what is going on at work and does he have any expectation of making more money in the next year or two, and if so, will he then be willing to go do more things and spend more money. You need to find out if it's frugality or just cheapness. You don't want cheapness, but you do want someone who lives within their means.

 

And if you can't live within your means because he's expecting you to pay half, then you need to just tell him "I can't afford it this week."

[Jabron1]

What I would do right now and not wait for a commitment to test it out is start saying "I want to go eat here" (some nicer place than he's used to) and then see if he balks or if he goes along and you split the bill.

 

 

 

No, he's not going to change from being frugal. If anything, he'll get more frugal.

 

Agreed.

 

Has anyone ever seen a miser change their ways? I don't think that I ever have.

[d0nnivain]

Lifestyle does play a roll. Splitting the bill is not terrible but there are other ways to make dating financially fair, like alternating. Personally on a date I like to be treated but I was always willing to treat the other person.

 

As another example: When DH & I first started dating he took me to a cheap Mexican place on our 1st date. I was kind of appalled because it really wasn't nice enough for a 1st date IMO & that opinion was not formed solely on costs but had to do with ambiance too. I went because DH was just that handsome. For our 2nd date, he suggested a lunch date at a place with a similar cost & atmosphere -- noisy & not conducive to a conversation. I suggested an alternative that was the same price range but closer to his office & more romantic. I paid for the 3rd date at another restaurant in the same price range (we were having the he hadn't kissed me yet "problem").

 

It is about both economics & give & take.

[Jabron1]

As another example: When DH & I first started dating he took me to a cheap Mexican place on our 1st date. I was kind of appalled because it really wasn't nice enough for a 1st date IMO & that opinion was not formed solely on costs but had to do with ambiance too.

 

For me, that's going too far the other way.

 

"I finally worked out what 'ambiance' is. It's a night out without poor people."

 

 

I still just take posh birds down the pub

[salparadise]

OK salP,

 

How about you start another thread on this?

 

I think it was Carl Jung who said:

 

"The only thing worse for a man than having a mother who doesn't love him enough, is having a mother who loves him too much."

 

Perhaps... becoming the subject of his girlfriend's thread is pretty damn close though

[katiegrl]

I don't think that's cheap, I think that's smart. Why get a pair of small paper cups at the ice cream shop, when you can walk into the supermarket across the street from the parlor, and grab a pint and two spoons near the door, and split it? Much more logical. I mean if a girl on a date suggested that I'd want to undress her right there and then.

 

Because the ice cream you buy from an ice cream vendor is a hell of a lot more yummy that the kind you buy from a freakin grocery store!

 

Plus it's just more fun! Who the hell wants to venture into a grocery story, wait on line, etc etc etc.

 

And how much more expensive could it be? Unless you wan to buy the super cheap kind from the grocery store. Yuk.

 

Come on now, it's cheap!

[smackie9]

Even tho I'm fiercely independent when it comes to money, I would still like a man to be a man that pays for at least the first date and even the second date. But I'm 52, I'm old skool that way. In my age group a woman offering to pay half can send the wrong message.

 

 

Everyone has their own way with money, so that means you need to find someone who is of the same.

[Lady2163]

I had a whole long answer that was eaten by the tablet Gods.

 

After you filled us in on the tone of the conversation, I also agree that the "moderate enough" comment was teasing. I'm glad you clarified that, it did take me aback at first.

 

Now, about the fact that his mother buys him clothes and sends him care packages: I'm guessing his mother is a bit older than I am, probably around mid 50s. That puts her in the possibility of what I call the "either/or category". Women of this age may either be totally June Cleaver or expect complete independence of their men, but an equal split of domestic duties and raising children. There's the third type, which is eclectic, a little bit of both.

 

My mother bought all of my dad's clothes and toiletries. As long as it was something that didn't have to be altered. My dad would communicate if he didn't like the shaving cream or razor that she purchased. That's how it was for their generation.

 

I have no clue and had no clue what brand of razor or shaving cream my ex husband or any ex boyfriends used.

 

For 29 years your boyfriend has been part of a tight unit. It is just the three of them. His mother probably doesn't think anything about doing this for him and neither does he. With the advent of free long distance, it isn't that shocking they communicate daily or frequently. They probably genuinely enjoy each other's company. Since he doesn't live within a few miles of them, I'd say he is able to cut some important apron strings.

 

My exH and I lived in a side by side duplex with his family. His mother was pissed as hell when we bought our own house. She saw no purpose in it. I saw no purpose in paying rent when the other family members living there didn't have to!

 

Anyway, take the fact his mom buys him clothes and sends him care packages with a grain of salt.

 

Years ago, I attended a college that was geared toward working adults. I had the same classes with a guy for about two years. We chatted often on break. Over time I learned about his schedule. He worked and went to school. The only time he saw his girlfriend was on Saturdays. While he watched the games, she cleaned his apartment, did his his ironing and laundry and cooked a great supper. Then they had "dessert" and she went home.

 

I asked him if he was planning to move in with her. No. I asked him if he was planning to marry her. No. I asked him if he was feeding me bs. No - and I believe him. I told him he made me want to bawl.

 

Because I can't and won't compete with that. I have my own place and stuff to take care of. There's no way I would spend another 8 hours a week easing someone of their adult burden. If that is what is expected, I'm doomed to be single.

 

He did tell me he wasn't taking classes during the summer so he could do a few things with her. Still.

 

Now, I told you that to make my next point.

 

It is absolutely 100% "fair" and equitable to make you pay your own share socially. You don't expect your best friend or coworker to pick up the tab of you spend leisure time together, do you?

 

Now while it is fair, this guy isn't making the extra effort to make himself stand out from the other fish in the sea. In my example, the woman was able to stand out because she assumed the domestic chores my classmate really didn't have time for. One way men stand out is by showing their generosity. Another way is by showing aggression and a third way is by showing they can be domesticated. Which is what this man does when he makes you home cooked meals. Bonus if his place doesn't look like a tornado ripped through it, there's no dirty ring in the toilet and his sheets are clean.

 

I haven't had a lot of men cook for me or show me they have household skills.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Lady2163

[Satu]

I don't date, so I don't have an opinion about it that matters to me.

 

Amongst my friends, it works like this:

 

If I invite them out, I pay.

 

If they invite me out, they pay.

 

This arrangement just gave birth to itself, but I find it a really nice way of doing things.

 

It could work for dating, maybe...

[strawberryshortstack]

I don't think that's cheap, I think that's smart. Why get a pair of small paper cups at the ice cream shop, when you can walk into the supermarket across the street from the parlor, and grab a pint and two spoons near the door, and split it? Much more logical. I mean if a girl on a date suggested that I'd want to undress her right there and then.

 

It's cheap. Because when you get the cone or paper cups at the ice cream shop, you're paying for more than just the ice cream. It's an experience - you get to walk down the street eating ice cream and chatting with your date. It's sweet, romantic, and just plain fun. Having to continually exchange the pint in order to share it is annoying, takes the fun out of it, and then what do you do with the ice cream that you can't finish? (A pint is a lot of ice cream for two people to eat, and it's wasteful to have to toss it since there is no freezer nearby.)

[d0nnivain]

For me, that's going too far the other way.

 

"I finally worked out what 'ambiance' is. It's a night out without poor people."

 

 

I still just take posh birds down the pub

 

I want to believe you are kidding about the definition of ambiance. But for a date I prefer a quieter atmosphere. I don't want uncomfortable furniture, screaming children & a general madhouse atmosphere. Someplace can be inexpensive but quiet.

 

But it's also about different strokes. If I got the sense that a guy I was dating considered me a "posh bird" but was going to take me "down the pub" to teach me a lesson (which is what I inferred from your post) such behavior would help me to realize that we are fundamentally incompatible. Incompatibility doesn't make either of us right or wrong, just mis-matched for each other.

 

In the OP's shoes I would be off put by the date's behavior because I see it as withholding. I need a man who is generous of spirit, which doesn't always translate to generous of money.

[ktragers]

I had a whole long answer that was eaten by the tablet Gods.

 

After you filled us in on the tone of the conversation, I also agree that the "moderate enough" comment was teasing. I'm glad you clarified that, it did take me aback at first.

 

Now, about the fact that his mother buys him clothes and sends him care packages: I'm guessing his mother is a bit older than I am, probably around mid 50s. That puts her in the possibility of what I call the "either/or category". Women of this age may either be totally June Cleaver or expect complete independence of their men, but an equal split of domestic duties and raising children. There's the third type, which is eclectic, a little bit of both.

 

My mother bought all of my dad's clothes and toiletries. As long as it was something that didn't have to be altered. My dad would communicate if he didn't like the shaving cream or razor that she purchased. That's how it was for their generation.

 

I have no clue and had no clue what brand of razor or shaving cream my ex husband or any ex boyfriends used.

 

For 29 years your boyfriend has been part of a tight unit. It is just the three of them. His mother probably doesn't think anything about doing this for him and neither does he. With the advent of free long distance, it isn't that shocking they communicate daily or frequently. They probably genuinely enjoy each other's company. Since he doesn't live within a few miles of them, I'd say he is able to cut some important apron strings.

 

My exH and I lived in a side by side duplex with his family. His mother was pissed as hell when we bought our own house. She saw no purpose in it. I saw no purpose in paying rent when the other family members living there didn't have to!

 

Anyway, take the fact his mom buys him clothes and sends him care packages with a grain of salt.

 

Years ago, I attended a college that was geared toward working adults. I had the same classes with a guy for about two years. We chatted often on break. Over time I learned about his schedule. He worked and went to school. The only time he saw his girlfriend was on Saturdays. While he watched the games, she cleaned his apartment, did his his ironing and laundry and cooked a great supper. Then they had "dessert" and she went home.

 

I asked him if he was planning to move in with her. No. I asked him if he was planning to marry her. No. I asked him if he was feeding me bs. No - and I believe him. I told him he made me want to bawl.

 

Because I can't and won't compete with that. I have my own place and stuff to take care of. There's no way I would spend another 8 hours a week easing someone of their adult burden. If that is what is expected, I'm doomed to be single.

 

He did tell me he wasn't taking classes during the summer so he could do a few things with her. Still.

 

Now, I told you that to make my next point.

 

It is absolutely 100% "fair" and equitable to make you pay your own share socially. You don't expect your best friend or coworker to pick up the tab of you spend leisure time together, do you?

 

Now while it is fair, this guy isn't making the extra effort to make himself stand out from the other fish in the sea. In my example, the woman was able to stand out because she assumed the domestic chores my classmate really didn't have time for. One way men stand out is by showing their generosity. Another way is by showing aggression and a third way is by showing they can be domesticated. Which is what this man does when he makes you home cooked meals. Bonus if his place doesn't look like a tornado ripped through it, there's no dirty ring in the toilet and his sheets are clean.

 

I haven't had a lot of men cook for me or show me they have household skills.

 

Interesting perspectives. This reminds me of something else that came up in our conversation that's a huge red flag: He said he may not want to have kids in the future that he sees children as a burden and he wants to have fun with his wife without the unnecessary "distractions" in his 30s and 40s. However, I do want to settle down and have a family at some point down the road, when I'm ready. If he totally writes this off then it would be a huge issue. Maybe he enjoys being a "baby" so much....