dannyglow Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 (edited) First girl I have really been serious about. Shes very serious about me, shes even talking about marriage and kids etc and we've been dating like 3 months. Obviously we both know its not going to happen for a while, I just mention cause she is that serious. Heres the problem: she is the first one I have been serious about, therefore I have some strong trust issues. I dont want her cheating, or fooling around, or kissing.. anything, another guy. Typical stuff. She swears she never will. We talk deep about stuff on our minds and thats always the first thing on the top of my mind. First thing on her mind is she is afraid I will loose interest in her, get bored in some way, or stop loving her. Shes had bad relationships in the past. As far as being loyal and cheating, I only have her word that she never has cheated and is not the type to cheat. When we first started dating she said "once I'm with someone, I stay with them." But Im paranoid as crap. Shes very attractive and has a flirty way about her and likes attention from guys. So guys hit on her constantly. She tells me when a guy hits on her and tells me she in some way uses the "I have a boyfriend" line. She tells me this to ease my mind. But.. Im afraid some time she's not going to use the "I have a boyfriend" line on a night out with her friends at the bar or something. I might never know. I dunno... is this normal or am I being over protective? I dont want to be. Im just stressing. I really like her, but maybe I should move on to someone new I will stress less about??? If that is possible. I don't want to break up at this point, its just my personal insecurity, but is there anything I can say to her?? Edited April 18, 2016 by dannyglow more exact detail
Satu Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 snip is there anything I can say to her?? You could try saying, "I've decided to get some counselling to help me with my baseless jealousy," Take care. 2
Haydn Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 If you go down this path, you will push her away. I`m not the jealous type but i have been on the receiving end of constantly needing to allay someones fears. It destroyed the RS. I couldn`t breathe. Probably best to look into getting some help with this. GL 1
Dis Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 Unless shes given you a reason not to trust her (you will know if she has) then you dont have a leg to stand on. You may not be ready for a relationship if you have all of these unfounded jealousy issues. Trust me....if there is no trust in a relationship (whether your partner has broken it or not) there is no relationship 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 If you go down this path, you will push her away. I`m not the jealous type but i have been on the receiving end of constantly needing to allay someones fears. It destroyed the RS. I couldn`t breathe. Probably best to look into getting some help with this. GL Agreed with all of the above. I will never again stay with someone who has such problems with jealousy and insecurity. It absolutely sucked the life out of me and the relationship. OP, get a handle on this. Dig deep and figure out where this is coming from. You said it's your first serious relationship, therefore you have trust issues. That doesn't really make sense. You need to get to the bottom of what is triggering these feelings inside you - do you feel she's inappropriate with other men? Do you feel bad about yourself in general, and thus subconsciously convinced she'll trade up at some point? Does she have a history of cheating on boyfriends? Did you see your own parents cheat on each other? There's a reason, somewhere, that you feel so mistrusting. Also, how old are you both? 2
d0nnivain Posted April 18, 2016 Posted April 18, 2016 If you know she's "not the type to cheat" then trust her. Do ask her to stop telling you that other men hit on her. That is just feeding your paranoia. Trust her to do the right thing. As others have said if you can't reign in your green eyed monster, you will drive her away. That said, in the context of your 1st relationship, only 90 days in the mention of marriage, forever & kids are HUGE red flags. Shut those discussions off now. Do not even bring them up again until you have been together for at least a year. At this stage the farthest in the future you need to be thinking is whether you will be together on Memorial Day. It's too soon to project farther. By trying to push intimacy too fast you will prevent it from happening naturally.
Author dannyglow Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 Agreed with all of the above. I will never again stay with someone who has such problems with jealousy and insecurity. It absolutely sucked the life out of me and the relationship. OP, get a handle on this. Dig deep and figure out where this is coming from. You said it's your first serious relationship, therefore you have trust issues. That doesn't really make sense. You need to get to the bottom of what is triggering these feelings inside you - do you feel she's inappropriate with other men? Do you feel bad about yourself in general, and thus subconsciously convinced she'll trade up at some point? Does she have a history of cheating on boyfriends? Did you see your own parents cheat on each other? There's a reason, somewhere, that you feel so mistrusting. Also, how old are you both? Were in our 20's. I analyze everything. Like anyone else, I want a partner that only wants me. I dont want someone who says they are 100% committed to me, but has secret 'buddies' for a fling in the background. I dont know about any history of cheating. I just know she is attractive, flirty, and has lots of guy friends. No idea if she is this type of person: but there are people who can say you are the only one, and show it in every way, but because they are used to flings and one night stands from the past, they could easily hookup on a night away from me, sleep or fool around with someone, and come back to me the next day and cuddle on the couch like nothing happened. Know what I mean? I dunno... I guess I just dont know if there are certain direct questions I could ask that would get to the point and keep my mind from worrying there are things going on behind my back.
Author dannyglow Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 Unless shes given you a reason not to trust her (you will know if she has) then you dont have a leg to stand on. You may not be ready for a relationship if you have all of these unfounded jealousy issues. Trust me....if there is no trust in a relationship (whether your partner has broken it or not) there is no relationship I agree. But its not jealousy, I just really want someone committed. She says she does too. I don't want drama, she says she does not want that either. I guess its cause 2 things. One: shes good looking with a lot of guy friends. Shes been in a lot more relationships than me, and a most of them were bad relationships. Two: weve been together like 3 months now, things going well, really getting to know each other well and spending lots of time together. But this mainly started when I took her out the very first time a few months ago. I dont know if you want to call it a date, we just got drinks and talked. It was at a bar near her home, she was friends with the cook there, he came round and sat on the other side of her. He has a huge crush on her. After a few drinks he pulled her in and they started kissing, then we talked some more, then he gave her a really long goodbye hug and like makeout kiss. When we were driving away, she tells me in the car "yeah, he has a huge crush on me." I asked her more a month or two later and she says they were just friends, he told her she should hang out with him and he really loves her, she said she loves someone else (me). She showed me this text between them. And he basically said ok. She tells me she never really liked him, she was just at a low point in her life and he was a friend outside of work. Ok. Its in the past. But what bothers me, and I cant forget, is she did that right in front of me. Was it a date? Not really, but she knew what I was trying to do when I got her number that night. So its just bothering me. Maybe I should have ran right then and there, but at the time I took it as "she was just testing me to see if I would get scared away" so I kept going. I dunno.... dunno what I should think now. Thats the main thing thats fueling my paranoia
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 What's fueling your paranoia is her broadcasting every flippin moment she gets hit on.....tell her to cut it out. Women, even average looking women, get approached, hit on, etc. it's normal, it's a typical day in a life of a woman. Also stop quizzing her all the time about who is that, or what is he doing, yaddy yaddy yaddy. You are not doing yourself or this relationship any favors. 1
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