Crazy stupid.... commitmentphobia

[panzerfaust69]

At this point when these thoughts come say to yourself, Stop! It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter, because it doesn't. Obsession is the hard part for me, but even I am not as bad as I was.

[yellowhibiscus]

Those who have narcissistic tendencies also can be commitment phobes and are often emotionally unavailable (dated one for 4 years). They want you to care about their feelings but when it comes to YOUR feelings, they run and hide. People who are extremely insecure about themselves tend to be narcissistic because they are always only thinking about themselves and what would make them feel better----usually they try to seek it from other individuals, and when you can't make them feel better, shame on you! They also start out really strong in the beginning to suck you in but then put up this "wall" around them when they realize someone really cares about them and then you can't figure out what you did wrong and why everything changed. I am glad that you made the right decision to end it and I'm sure you will feel better as each day goes on.

[rita123]

Thanks for your reply! Yes, he was definitely all of those! At the end of the day just too much work. Just the fact that I wrote this awfully long post about him.. shows how toxic this relationship was. Moving on...

[rita123]

At this point when these thoughts come say to yourself, Stop! It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter, because it doesn't. Obsession is the hard part for me, but even I am not as bad as I was.

 

Day 8 post breakup and the obsessive thoughts are at their worst!!

Today I think it was all my fault and wanna apologize. As if it would change anything. Crazy! It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter, because it doesn't. Thank you for that!

[panzerfaust69]

That bit of wisdom comes from a book I read last week called Getting Past your Break up. Another one in there that I liked was, "REJECT THE REJECTOR"

 

I am having a bit of a morning wake up myself, fixating on tiny bits of information that I'm turning into a thought pattern that she has been in love and sorta in touch with her ex the whole 2 years I was with her. I feel like I was used, and yet its so hard to believe. All the creature comforts and involvement with her life and her family seemed so good that I decided to ignore the warning signs, like when I asked her to marry me and she said no! ;-). In any case I have to tell myself that all my ruminating and trying to figure it all out is really a waste of my time to heal, and it doesn't matter. Read Chapter 6 in He's Scared She's Scared and read how passive commitment phoebs have inappropriate reactions to rejection. Instead of withdrawing and self protection and self care we try and fix the unfixable, we cling and try and convince the other person we can make it work, and meanwhile this just pushes them further away.

 

I am seeing a counselor and got my doctor to write a prescription for a low dose anti depressant last week, and went home to visit my 87 year old dad in another province last week for a change of scenery and habits and it has worked. My obsession is still there but where for 4 months it was at 11 out of 10 today it is at 4 out of 10. The lesson here is self protection. I'm at day 8 NC and its hard to know the only real way out is to never have contact with my ex again. Why mine has dragged on is because she has wanted me as a friend and has been very unfair in giving breadcrumbs and double meanings in texts like wishing happy valentines day and stuff. Do not engage in any texting or phone calls- it will only reactivate the pain and obsession.

Edited April 26, 2016 by panzerfaust69

[rita123]

Read Chapter 6 in He's Scared She's Scared and read how passive commitment phoebs have inappropriate reactions to rejection. Instead of withdrawing and self protection and self care we try and fix the unfixable, we cling and try and convince the other person we can make it work, and meanwhile this just pushes them further away.

 

I don't see myself as a fixer though. When we were on a break in January, I was ready to let him go. Yes I took him back.. after all the begging ... but I was cautious about the whole thing for a month or two. We had an explicit agreement that he would try his best to "fix" himself while I promised to stay strong at times when he "flips". I think that's why one part of me will always feel some sort of guilt because I broke that promise by breaking up... and that's why I'm obsessing now and wanna go back to apologize. I didn't have these feelings after our first break. I guess it's just easier to be dumped by someone you love than dumping someone you love The latter is a test of whether you can love yourself just as much...and do the right thing for yourself. I'm struggling with this now. I guess that makes me a fixer afterall.

 

So at darker times I want to find a reason to hate him – calling him a narcissist and emotional abuser because it gives me a reason to reject him fully. Maybe for you it's easier to accept that her ex was in the picture than to admit her CP was in the way? I mean, by now we are both so educated on CP but it still doesn't make sense, right? We want to explain the irrational with the rational..

 

But it seems like you're doing the right steps to heal! I really wanna believe that NC will one day wipe the hurtful experience out of our heads and leave only the lessons learnt...

[PursuitofPeace]

I think that's why one part of me will always feel some sort of guilt because I broke that promise by breaking up... and that's why I'm obsessing now and wanna go back to apologize. I didn't have these feelings after our first break.

 

I can see what you mean here, but I think, like you said, it's all about loving yourself AS MUCH and doing right by yourself. It's sooo important to accept that you have your own emotional needs and while there's always space for compromise, only you know how much you can tolerate and stomach and weather before you had to do what you did. There's no guaranteed timeline, so guarantee that after 6 months or 2 years or 5 years etc. there would be another huge blow up and he would just be done. Cutting it off now and trying to understand your role and take some lessons learned is how we can grow and hopefully bring more wisdom to our next relationship

 

As you can see, sometimes I feel the same way with my ex, even though he was not working as hard as yours from what it seems -- he did know that he had a problem and was trying therapy etc. My push to him for us to move forward reflected where I was in our relationship and my need for comfort and stability. And I can't kick myself for staying true to that!

[panzerfaust69]

My point about the ex is that the obsession can make one connect dots and create a story that has nothing to do with reality, the obsession will cause us to do this and often these imaginings hurt us. But they are not real.

 

Apologizing is in this situation is taking responsibility for something that you don't need to apologize for, it's bargaining.

 

I think in that book it mentions the person dumped is the one who suffers more for many reasons and is the one who may have more trouble moving on. Often the dumper has been withdrawing emotionally and physically for months before they decide to end it.

[rita123]

3 weeks of NC. I'm surprised that he didn't try to reach out apart from that weird text message a few days after the breakup. Well we left things on angry terms, I hung up skype on him when he was crying as I didn't want to get manipulated by those tears. His last words to me were: "just remember that I'm an ass hole" which to me, sounded like: "it's not over because I come back but don't take me back, I'm an ass hole". Wishful thinking, I guess.

 

Maybe he does feel hurt and abandoned by me. Or maybe he realized he cannot play me anymore. Maybe he feels relief and he is enjoying his freedom or has a new girl by now. It doesn't matter really.

 

But he has my stuff. I don't care about sunglasses and clothes but he also has a teddy bear I had since I was born. I really want to get it back. It is way more important to me than my ex, lol! So what is the best way to go about this?

 

- email him and ask him to mail it? (and break NC)

- ask a friend to get it back so that I don't have to break NC?

 

It was mentioned in the book that commitment phobes like to hold onto relationship memorabilia. The reason he had my teddy bear was to cuddle it instead of me when we started the long distance relationship.. maybe he is still cuddling it.. but seems like he won't return it if I don't ask! It's really frustrating because I know that talking to him would rip the wound open... but I can't let him keep my bear

[Itspointless]

3So what is the best way to go about this?

 

- email him and ask him to mail it? (and break NC)

- ask a friend to get it back so that I don't have to break NC?

 

It was mentioned in the book that commitment phobes like to hold onto relationship memorabilia.

The second way.

 

I have no clue of that point about commitment phobes is true. If he is avoidant attached I do not think he he holds on to you bear because of the things you write. But as you know I find the term commitment phobe a bit to vague to like it.

[rita123]

The second way.

 

I have no clue of that point about commitment phobes is true. If he is avoidant attached I do not think he he holds on to you bear because of the things you write. But as you know I find the term commitment phobe a bit to vague to like it.

 

Second way then! Thanks for the advive.

 

I looked into attachment theory and my ex appears to be fearful-avoidant... Makes so much sense! His insecurities, his people-pleasing, his ability to display fake personas, the clinginess, the "come here go away" dance - all true.

And my own attachment style is secure based on the test I just did. In this case I really don't understand why I even dated him. All the flags were there. Shouldn't secure types notice these things and move on? And here I am still thinking about him.

 

I do understand what you mean about the book though, some of the stories also made me think: "right, this makes the whole world is commitment phobic!" There's a part about how not having pictures on your wall makes you commitment phobic. I got so angry at the book that I redecorated my apartment in 2 weeks But I still think that there's a lot of truth in it...

 

Well let's see what happens to the bear. He knows how important it is important to me so if he refuses to return it he really is an ***hole.

[Itspointless]

Second way then! Thanks for the advive.

 

I looked into attachment theory and my ex appears to be fearful-avoidant... Makes so much sense! His insecurities, his people-pleasing, his ability to display fake personas, the clinginess, the "come here go away" dance - all true.

And my own attachment style is secure based on the test I just did. In this case I really don't understand why I even dated him. All the flags were there. Shouldn't secure types notice these things and move on? And here I am still thinking about him.

 

I do understand what you mean about the book though, some of the stories also made me think: "right, this makes the whole world is commitment phobic!" There's a part about how not having pictures on your wall makes you commitment phobic. I got so angry at the book that I redecorated my apartment in 2 weeks But I still think that there's a lot of truth in it...

 

Well let's see what happens to the bear. He knows how important it is important to me so if he refuses to return it he really is an ***hole.

Wow, I made a lot of typo's in that post.

 

Anyway, fearful-avoidance makes sense! Glad to be of help

[lana-banana]

People don't fear commitment, they fear settling. The guy who swears up and down that he'll never get married will put a ring on it in under two years when he meets Ms. Right. It can take longer for some people than others---a dear friend of mine has happily finished playing the field at age 37 now that he's met the woman of his dreams---but most guys seem to get over it at around 29-32.

 

Don't obsess over "commitmentphobia". Instead take it as a lesson for the future and an excuse to spend the weekend partying with friends! Now that you've experienced those red flags firsthand you'll recognize them if you see them again. And remember when someone loves you, they'll do anything to be with you, and you deserve nothing less than someone who loves you that much.

[rita123]

People don't fear commitment, they fear settling. The guy who swears up and down that he'll never get married will put a ring on it in under two years when he meets Ms. Right. It can take longer for some people than others---a dear friend of mine has happily finished playing the field at age 37 now that he's met the woman of his dreams---but most guys seem to get over it at around 29-32.

 

Don't obsess over "commitmentphobia". Instead take it as a lesson for the future and an excuse to spend the weekend partying with friends! Now that you've experienced those red flags firsthand you'll recognize them if you see them again. And remember when someone loves you, they'll do anything to be with you, and you deserve nothing less than someone who loves you that much.

 

I know it wasn't about the fear of settling.. I know he tried everything he could.. yet it wasn't enough. So in the end he really wasn't "Mr Right".

 

But I agree, it's a personal journey for everyone: for some it is about playing the field – I know, I was a player myself for 7 years before I met this ex. I needed all those years to be able to recognize real love when I see it. For my ex and other "commitment phobes" the journey probably involves lots of failed relationships, therapy and what not until they figure it all out... but I don't think that marriage is the end of this journey, otherwise there wouldn't be so many unhappy marriages and divorce out there...

[rita123]

So he hasn't returned the bear yet. I asked a friend to message him and my ex replied that he respects my wish but he wanted to visit me in a few weeks and deliver it in person. He is now waiting for my response and also asked if he could get back in contact with me. I think there's more to it than delivering my stuff.. noone would travel across countries just to drop things off at an ex they don't want anything to do with.

 

I don't know what to do... I mean, I would be so happy to see him again. To hug him one more time. All this time, I didn't move on, I kept thinking about him 24/7. Never in my life I felt so wrong about no contact. But I know his issues didn't go away in 1,5 months. So what possible outcome could this meeting have? I either stupidly take him back or we both get a formal breakup and go back to square one. It's a lose lose.

[Itspointless]

So he hasn't returned the bear yet. I asked a friend to message him and my ex replied that he respects my wish but he wanted to visit me in a few weeks and deliver it in person. [...] I don't know what to do... I mean, I would be so happy to see him again. To hug him one more time.

 

That is not respecting a wish, wanting to do it your way. You can do two things I think. Make an appointment with him and let a friend do the meeting at your place, or do it (again unknowingly to him) together with a friend if you want to make some final statements to him.

[rita123]

That is not respecting a wish, wanting to do it your way. You can do two things I think. Make an appointment with him and let a friend do the meeting at your place, or do it (again unknowingly to him) together with a friend if you want to make some final statements to him.

 

Oh that is so out of character for me. I don't think I can do that..

But I appreciate your advice, I know you have a lot of insight on this kindof behavior. I bought an ebook now on avoidant types so maybe by the time I finish reading I will come to the same conclusion!

[Itspointless]

Oh that is so out of character for me. I don't think I can do that..

But I appreciate your advice, I know you have a lot of insight on this kindof behavior. I bought an ebook now on avoidant types so maybe by the time I finish reading I will come to the same conclusion!

Hi Rita, I think the most important thing here is your estimation about yourself. Can you follow your gut? I visited my ex - we were long distance - to talk. And a few moths afterwards I have written a letter, telling her some things I wanted her to know. Both things make many people here cringe. I found both things very hard to do, but in both instances I got the answers (experiences) that I needed.

 

For me reading books and scientific articles about these behaviors worked very therapeutic. It also learned me a lot about myself I did not know yet, or did know but not in that kind of frame.

[rita123]

Hi Rita, I think the most important thing here is your estimation about yourself. Can you follow your gut? I visited my ex - we were long distance - to talk. And a few moths afterwards I have written a letter, telling her some things I wanted her to know. Both things make many people here cringe. I found both things very hard to do, but in both instances I got the answers (experiences) that I needed.

 

For me reading books and scientific articles about these behaviors worked very therapeutic. It also learned me a lot about myself I did not know yet, or did know but not in that kind of frame.

 

My gut says that I should let him talk to me at least. (My friend already told him that he could reach out). And based on that interaction I will see what's next. For all I know, it could be just his way of getting closure or maybe the therapist told him to talk to me. And that's fine because I also need this, maybe the same way how you visited your ex and wrote the letter. Right now I just feel I'm in limbo with everything ending so abruptly. I really don't understand how no contact is so great when there are so many feelings and thoughts stuck inside.

 

But for now reading that ebook also to understand more about my part in this relationship.. so that I can take that meeting with a clear head (if that meeting ever happens).

[rita123]

The breakup happened 2 months ago. I still love him but I know that one day I will I find a connection just as strong. I'm doing my best to move on. Keeping busy, hanging out with friends, having hobbies.... I also have taken steps to go back to university to pursue my childhood dream so I really have a lot going on.

 

My ex has reached out as he's planning to visit me to return my things and get closure (I assume). I'm ok with that as no contact was hell. Now that we emailed I feel better. It's really weird to be honest. As soon as I knew that I was gonna meet him, I stopped thinking about the good and only remembered the bad. It happens subconsciously for the most part, sometimes I wake up with tears in my eyes and racing thoughts about his unacceptable behavior.

It's almost like my mind is trying to protect me from him and it seems to work. So yesterday I ended up at the place where he first said "I love you" and it wasn't a warm memory anymore.

 

But now I have another problem. I have started going out intensely with my friends and there are always guys who give me a lot of attention. I'm not used to this. I am a bit worried that they are just turned on by my coldness and when I turn them down, they like me even more? Sometimes I just sit in the corner of the club with a sad face and guys show up to get me beers and get my attention. There is one guy in particular who is suspicious as he has witnessed me crying about my ex. I had a bit too much to drink and I got over-emotional, I just collapsed from my tears in the street. It wasn't a pretty sight trust me. And after seeing this, he still wants to go on dates! (Btw, this happened only once. I usually carry myself with dignity... but I do think I give out some sad vibes.)

 

So my problem with this...

1. I don't understand guys. When I'm single and emotionally available, I get little to zero attention. Now suddenly I'm the girl they want. What's up with that?

 

2. I feel if I did something with any of these guys, I would be cheating on my ex. Which is ridiculous because we are NOT together and I know that we will never be. I don't ever want to take him back. Still, its like disrespecting the love I had for him. It doesn't really matter now since I don't care about these guys but it's a strange feeling.

 

Anybody experienced this after a fresh breakup? I know the general advice is "give it some time"... but I feel like I'm ****ing my own mind instead of enjoying the attention of these guys. What if one of them is truly great but I miss out because of my coldness. But what if they just want the challenge, to be the first one who breaks ms. unavailable? Seriously confusing :S

Edited June 10, 2016 by rita123

[smudge21]

Some of us like the quiet ones rather than the loud in your face types. Maybe they don't see that side of you, and instead just see a pretty face who they want to get to know. You can't presume anyones actions so just take each guy as you find him. If you like him, strike up a convo and see where it goes. Just because you talk to someone doesn't mean you're destined to date them. You could also have a label hanging out of your clothes and their trying, carefully, to tell you about it. Don't presume they are seeing you one way, when you do not know. This guy you mention who knows about the ex, I would say he's interested but very unsure because of your situation. There is the other train of thought that we all want what we can't have - if you're coming off as distant, then to some that makes you more interesting, more challenging, more mysterious than the other "open book" type of person.

 

You're definitely healing though. I know that an old ex used to linger in my thoughts all the time, all the good memories. It was messed up as the relationship was never as good as my thoughts told me. It was more that person on a pedestal making me think I'd lost "the one". Once healed, it was so different to go to the same places and not feel anything (you're still getting the bad thoughts). It's hard to explain how different it felt and to catch a picture of her now, knowing how that used to affect me, it's like she's a stranger to me. Someone who means nothing... and I'm fine with it.

 

You're healing but not yet healed, hence these odd feelings you're still having.

[Breakupblues]

So my problem with this...

1. I don't understand guys. When I'm single and emotionally available, I get little to zero attention. Now suddenly I'm the girl they want. What's up with that?

 

2. I feel if I did something with any of these guys, I would be cheating on my ex. Which is ridiculous because we are NOT together and I know that we will never be. I don't ever want to take him back. Still, its like disrespecting the love I had for him. It doesn't really matter now since I don't care about these guys but it's a strange feeling.

 

Anybody experienced this after a fresh breakup? I know the general advice is "give it some time"... but I feel like I'm ****ing my own mind instead of enjoying the attention of these guys. What if one of them is truly great but I miss out because of my coldness. But what if they just want the challenge, to be the first one who breaks ms. unavailable? Seriously confusing :S

 

Hey Rita,

 

Sorry you're feeling like this.

Re:

(1) I don't think most guys really care or think about things like this. We like what we like and if we have the confidence and the interest we will go for it. We're really not thinking about who has a BF or who is emotionally (un)available. We do like a challenge so perhaps by being "cold" and distant you give guys that impression of a challenge, which is appealing.

 

(2) Yes, I feel the same way. I broke up with my GF more than a year ago, now and I still can't get myself to talk to any different women. I get a lot of attention of women expressing interest, but I just can't get myself to engage. It's really weird, but I do know what you're talking about. For me, it's not so much that I feel like I am cheating, but the interest is just not there. I can't even think about sleeping with anybody else, let alone do it.

[juniorrocha]

The love you once had with your boyfriend IS GONE. You're FREE. It's normal to think about it that way, but next time you do, say this out loud if you can: I'M NO LONGER IN A RELATIONSHIP. You owe absolutely nothing to your ex.

 

If you don't want to get out there with someone else because you don't want, then that's ok, but never reject doing something just because your ex wouldn't like it.

[rita123]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I guess I'm just gonna wait until I meet my ex maybe that will help with the 2. point. And as long as I have these doubts about guys, it's better not to date anyway... It's okay as I'm not the type of person who NEEDs to be in a relationship. I was just confused about the sudden attention.

 

The guy I mentioned above is still being weird, he texted me if he could cook pasta for me and also said that he's always there if I need to talk or "escape". Maybe my vulnerability really affected him.. so if his intentions are honest, he will be there in a few weeks or months anyway.

[Frank13]

I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you.

 

You are 1000% wrong. That's like me saying I don't believe in cancer because I never had it. I even proposed to a girl once that I felt was the one. Loved her more than anything. Would have done anything for her, but when I proposed in my mind I thought we would live in separate houses.

 

I used to chase girls harder than anything and as soon as I thought I had them the thoughts would come, like until I break up, I am stuck with this person forever. Every vacation has to be with them, etc. Then if I found out I really didn't have them I would chase again.

 

It is one of the worst things wanting to be with someone and to be close but also having thoughts that destroy it. It doesn't get better and I am old enough to say that. You get to the point where you are still lonely and want to have a relationship but know as soon as you do the thoughts of doom and gloom as well as anxiety start and you will end it. That is not fair to the woman.