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Posted

Hi all,

I have been reading the forums for some time now, today I decided to share my own commitmentphobic story. I hope it will give some answers to those wondering.. "do they ever change"?

 

I met him last September and we started dating right away. Everything happened so fast! He practically moved in with me, wanted to meet my friends 2 weeks into the relationship.. He said "I love you" first. Everything was perfect...We were so much in love! But we also knew that he was moving away in February so in my head, it was just a bit of happiness for the time being, I didn't bring up long-distance. He did. He asked if I wanted to go with him, planning our future, our life together. But the very thing triggered his commitment phobia. About 4 months ago, he stormed into my apartment crying that he is not 100% sure that he wants to be with me "forever". And that he had this with all his past girlfriends, there is always a voice in his head telling him that there is someone out there more right for him.

 

Without knowing what territory I'm stepping into, I casually answered: "maybe you are a commitmentphobe." (Back then, I had no idea what this word really meant.) Really confused, he started googling it, did some online tests and came back to me telling that I was right, he was a commitmentphobe but he would go to therapy and "fix it"... I did not take him back, instead, I started reading these forums and the book "He's scared, she's scared" to get some clarity on the issue... This helped me a lot realizing that he is hopeless... But he kept pushing for it, showing up at my door, leaving love letters, emails... and since the date of his departure was approaching fast, I decided to meet him for a weekend, for old times' sake. What a terribly big mistake!

 

He went on his knees, begging me to take him back, promised therapy again.. telling me how he never loved anybody this much and that he is willing to do anything to fight his commitment phobia. I told him about the book and he promised to read it. He was really enthusiastic about changing, that made me take him back. So we started the long-distance relationship.. he was reading the book, going to therapy- We skyped every day and had some honest conversations about his progress. When we met, it was like a mini-version of our past relationship, lots of love and sweetness, but also a bit of his commitment-phobic weirdness: some criticizing, gaslighting, picking me apart. I really thought I can handle it because we were both aware why he is doing it. But no matter how strong I am... these things happen when you least expect it, "when the going gets good" as the books say. So after so much work from both of us, today, we broke up on Skype... (He got irritated because I had a cold!) In a healthy relationship our tiny fight wouldn't have ended in a breakup. But this was never a healthy relationship.. I'm really hurt and I am scared that he will show up at my door again but I need to be strong, this crazy cycle will never end otherwise.

 

As for the question: "Do they ever change?" Maybe... Mine was at least willing to. Mine had enough character to face the issue, he wanted to fight it... I guess I can consider myself lucky because he was honest about it all this time... but right now, this just makes the pain even stronger, knowing that all our love and efforts were not enough in the fight against commitment phobia. :(

Posted
And that he had this with all his past girlfriends, there is always a voice in his head telling him that there is someone out there more right for him....

 

...but right now, this just makes the pain even stronger, knowing that all our love and efforts were not enough in the fight against commitment phobia. :(

 

It was obviously something bigger than you and him...or him and his ex....or him and his other ex....and the other ex before that ex....

 

The point is, NO love that he can share with anyone (right now), is enough. It's not you. :(

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Posted
It was obviously something bigger than you and him...or him and his ex....or him and his other ex....and the other ex before that ex....

 

The point is, NO love that he can share with anyone (right now), is enough. It's not you. :(

 

Thank you. I know it wasn't my fault. I know that nothing I can do would be enough at this point. I know that the change has to come from him. Great that he tried, but for all the wrong reason: our relationship.. the very source of his phobia.

It was doomed from the start.. :(

Posted (edited)

 

About 4 months ago, he stormed into my apartment crying that he is not 100% sure that he wants to be with me "forever". And that he had this with all his past girlfriends, there is always a voice in his head telling him that there is someone out there more right for him.

 

 

There's the crying again. I mentioned this in another thread re CP... it's just uncanny how often and how easily these CP guys are able to cry!!

 

But yeah he is a classic case. Textbook.

 

And that book He's Scared, She's Scared is terrific, I have read it myself. It's like my Bible as I used to suffer from CP myself.... not to the degree he does though. I am pretty much recovered though through self-awareness and introspection.

 

Anyway.... I am so sorry this happened and that you are hurting.... he tried but couldn't handle it. Fear is too deep. So he panics and runs. Sad.

 

DON'T TAKE HIM BACK AGAIN.

 

I know women who have gone back and forth with their CP boyfriends for YEARS. Rinse and repeat over and over.

 

Please don't be that woman.

 

Move on.

 

Again I am so sorry.... hope you feel better soon.

 

hugs

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted (edited)
There's the crying again. I mentioned this in another thread re CP... it's just uncanny how often and how easily these CP guys are able to cry!!

 

But yeah he is a classic case. Textbook.

 

And that book He's Scared, She's Scared is terrific, I have read it myself. It's like my Bible as I used to suffer from CP myself.... not to the degree he does though. I am pretty much recovered though through self-awareness and introspection.

 

Anyway.... I am so sorry this happened and that you are hurting.... he tried but couldn't handle it. Fear is too deep. So he panics and runs. Sad.

 

DON'T TAKE HIM BACK AGAIN.

 

I know women who have gone back and forth with their CP boyfriends for YEARS. Rinse and repeat over and over.

 

Please don't be that woman.

 

Move on.

 

Again I am so sorry.... hope you feel better soon.

 

hugs

 

Thank you, I needed to hear that! Of course, one part of me wants him to come back...

 

But what I learnt from observing his behavior and reading the book is that he really is not 100% sure. He says "I love you" but also thinks i'm not the "one". He pushes me to meet his mother, while thinking "oh my god, we are a couple now!?". He volunteers to pick me up from the train station.. only to push me away for the same reason.. "do I always have to pick you up from now on?" He invites me to play soccer only to say "you hijacked my sport" and so on. These are facts not to ignore because they reflect his thought processes very well.. The second voice is always doubting me. It's all very sad because he knows that his fears are irrational and he runs away from the things he wants the most.

 

Yes it's great that he tried therapy. I felt so special! But it was silly to think it would change him overnight. If anything, it just added to his doubts. "Is she really that special that I spend money and time on therapy for her?"

 

I'm so thankful for that book. Without reading it, I would still think that "love conquers all" and I would give him a second chance.. Who would say no to a guy who's crying on his knees from love? No. He is crying from his anxieties, not love. I can't let myself be caught up in my own romantic fantasies anymore. If he shows up at my door now (he lives abroad, 12 hours drive) it just shows how messed up he really is.. it is not a guy to take back.

 

And I don't want to be in a relationship with so much stress.. I don't want to be the perfect girl who can't have a bad day or a bad haircut. And I don't want him to put me on the pedestal to kick me off for any given reason. It is exhausting, and I stayed in already for too long...

Edited by rita123
  • Like 2
Posted

HI Rita - thanks for your reply to my post and I can see that our exes are very similar. Even in the way that they did acknowledge their patterns and understand that that need work. I just have struggled (even while we were together) wrapping my head around why working himself and being with me couldn't happen at the same time. I didn't get that I had emotional needs that just "being with him" physically and "having him in my life" didn't meet, and that what we could each give and what we each needed would never align. It's a hard truth.

 

I do totally know how you feel and am proud of you for being strong and not wanting to be drawn back in to the cycle while he hasn't yet figured out how to cope or manage his fears etc. It's hard to be in love with and be banking on someone's potential! Because chances are, they'll never meet that potential while they have us in their lives :-/

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Posted
I just have struggled (even while we were together) wrapping my head around why working himself and being with me couldn't happen at the same time.

 

Yeah, that's my biggest struggle still.. that he wasn't the "*******" running without explanation.. I really admired this in him. I was ready to work on this together but... that's what he fears the most! :( So ultimately, it is a catch 22. Accepting this makes it easier to move on.

Posted
I do totally know how you feel and am proud of you for being strong and not wanting to be drawn back in to the cycle while he hasn't yet figured out how to cope or manage his fears etc. It's hard to be in love with and be banking on someone's potential! Because chances are, they'll never meet that potential while they have us in their lives :-/

Oh boy, why do women so often think they can change people? Potential does not count, you cannot change him, it is about now! Is he caring and reliable, if yes great, if not ... it really really sucks but this is who he is.

 

Chances are they never will be what you hope. Many people have a lot of potential if we look at education and learning, but it are few people who really manage to do what they potentially could do. That has to do with grit. With these things it is not much different. You also would not listen to a musician because he has potential would you? Well perhaps for a few minutes, but than you move on.

 

And yes, I have made this mistake too with women :(

Posted

I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you.

Commitment phobia is a non-scientific term for a collection of behaviors. usually when people talk about it they talk about a player. In most other cases they talk about people who really have a problem regarding attachment like dismissive-avoidants or fearful-avoidants. These are people who have a deep routed fear of intimacy as unconsciously they fear abandonment due to historical reasons. With the first kind of attachment you most of the time would not have guessed it as they they you tell do not need someone else and and are very independent. It are behaviors that are neurologically ingrained. Than some men become players because they have a dismissive-avoidant attachment to start with: they crave the attention - all humans do - but do not need to fulfill the obligations of commitment.

 

I personally do not like the term commitment phobia though, as we are not talking about a phobia.

Edited by Itspointless
Posted (edited)
Commitment phobia is a non-scientific term for a collection of behaviors. usually when people talk about it they talk about a player. In most other cases they talk about people who really have a problem regarding attachment like dismissive-avoidants or fearful-avoidants. These are people who have a deep routed fear of intimacy as unconsciously they fear abandonment due to historical reasons. With the first kind of attachment you most of the time would not have guessed it as they they you tell do not need someone else and and are very independent. It are behaviors that are neurologically ingrained. Than some men become players because they have a dismissive-avoidant attachment to start with: they crave the attention - all humans do - but do not need to fulfill the obligations of commitment.

 

I personally do not like the term commitment phobia though, as we are not talking about a phobia.

 

I think it is a phobia though in many cases. Get to know people who struggle with this and many will tell you it very much is a phobia.

 

Very similar to claustrophobia, except instead of feeling suffocated physically, they feel suffocated and boxed in emotionally.

 

As I said my brother struggles with this and he experiencrs the same symptoms as someone who struggles with any other phobia.

 

Anxiety, cold sweats, even as severe as having a panic attack when faced with making a commitment.

 

I like the term because it's a term many people can relate too.

 

Dismissive-avoidant is fine but it doesn't encompass the full range of fears some people experience.

 

Commitment fears run the gamut. From fear of intimacy and getting hurt, to fear of losing freedom, responsibilitites, expectations .... etc.

 

I think commitment *phobia* is the perfect way to describe it.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 1
Posted
I think it is a phobia though in many cases. Get to know people who struggle with this and many will tell you it very much is a phobia.

 

Very similar to claustrophobia, except instead of feeling suffocated physically, they feel suffocated and boxed in emotionally.

 

As I said my brother struggles with this and he experiencrs the same symptoms as someone who struggles with any other phobia.

 

Anxiety, cold sweats, even as severe as having a panic attack when faced with making a commitment.

 

I like the term because it's s term many people can relate too.

 

Dismissive-avoidant is fine but it doesn't encompass the full range of fears some people experience.

 

Commitment fears run the gamut. From fear of intimacy and getting too close, to fear of losing freedom, responsibilitites, expectations .... etc.

 

You can't just put it in a box with a little bow and say it's dismissive-avoidant in every single case IMO.

It isn't dismissive-avoidance in every case I think I wrote that. But when it is I think the term phobia puts to much blame towards that person with that kind of attachment. It results in people saying: get over it. While it hurts like hell to be the receiving partner, I think in the case of attachment issues it is better to look at the dynamic. I think is a shame when people never know they can also look at it through that lens. I personally found more answers in attachment theory than the other way round, as it also learned me a lot about me. But I guess that is in part a personal thing, as I know the same goes for you with the term commitment phobia.

Posted (edited)
It isn't dismissive-avoidance in every case I think I wrote that. But when it is I think the term phobia puts to much blame towards that person with that kind of attachment. It results in people saying: get over it. While it hurts like hell to be the receiving partner, I think in the case of attachment issues it is better to look at the dynamic. I think is a shame when people never know they can also look at it through that lens. I personally found more answers in attachment theory than the other way round, as it also learned me a lot about me. But I guess that is in part a personal thing, as I know the same goes for you with the term commitment phobia.

 

Well, being a very simple girl at heart, I look at it this way.

 

Fear of enclosed spaces = claustrophobia

 

Fear of heights = acrophobia

 

Fear of open space = agoraphobia

 

Fear of commitment = commitment phobia

 

There are hundreds other types of fears/phobias as well.

 

The symptoms of which are very similar, if not identical, in all these cases.

 

Severe anxiety. In some rare cases, full blown panic attacks.

 

That's all I meant. :)

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted
Well, being a very simple girl at heart, I look at it this way.

Knowing your writings you, are in a positive way, perhaps a lot but not simple!

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Posted
I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you.

 

I didn't beleive in commitment phobia either... until I met my ex.

We don't have to label it anything but with him, it is definitely way more than an "I'm just not into you" kindof thing... as our first breakup lasted for a whole week...turning him into my stalker until I finally responded... I'm convinced that he is actually very much into me.

 

And that's why it sucks.

 

My ego is not hurting, my heart is. I was the one who initiated the breakup and blocking all contact even though I still love him very much. (He texted me last night through his best friend.. but I didn't reply...still staying strong!)

Posted
I'm convinced that he is actually very much into me.

 

And that's why it sucks.

 

My ego is not hurting, my heart is.

It is unexplainable isn't it Rita? Nevertheless I remember and still feel what you mean. Keep going strong as you do!

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Posted

I don't know much about the personality types fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant, maybe my ex is one of those.

 

What I do know is that he operates with irrational thought processes that sabotage his relationship(s). And that's the only truth. I can accept that I wasn't the "one"... but I also know that as long as he is this way, he will never know that he met the "one".

 

I am an independent woman and I always thought that love is nice but it's not a MUST to live a full life. I approach my relationships with a "let's see what happens" attitude but I can be very loving once that love is earned (though that only happened with 2 guys, including this ex) I guess my ex picked up those vibes and that's why he was pushing for commitment way too soon. But it was never my idea. I never gave him a reason to feel trapped. That's why I didn't understand why he freaked out about moving abroad with me when I wasn't even sure if I spend the next month with him!

 

As we started talking more about it, the puzzle pieces came together. He has an irrational fear of commitment/planning. Not just with me, but with his mother, friends, profession. But he cannot break up with his mother, his friends or his profession (as that's what he loves the most) so with them, he lives under constant stress. There are physical symptoms, too: twitching neck (which i noticed earlier), bodyheat, knot in his stomach and a choking feeling in his throat. He lives with this 24/7.

 

The "second voice", creating the above symptoms and the fear and distance between us, runs on autopilot, it's always there doubting me. If I don't give him any reason to freak out, the second voice will create it. He also identified certain triggers with his therapist and apparently it all comes from his relationship with his mother.

(It happened once that he tried to break up with me, after he got angry with his mother!)

 

But I thought I could handle all this, in the name of love. Even now I think that maybe, I gave up on him too soon.

 

But I can't describe how emotionally exhausting is to be with him. When you cannot plan the next 5 minutes knowing that anything you say or do might trigger his fears... when he criticizes things in you which you cannot help.. when he pushes you away after activities that he initiated. It got to a point where I was questioning my own sanity.. Especially because all the love and sweetness and deep-deep connectedness was still there up until the moment we broke up. I was presented two realities and I didn't know what to believe anymore (even though I knew where all this was coming from..)

 

No matter how we label it, he is not in a place to date right now.. and he has a long way to go.. and that's why I have to stay strong. I know he will come back begging (as he already texted me last night)- but I have to remind myself of how big of a mind**** it is to be in a relationship with him. :(

Posted

i'm sorry you are hurting, but you did the right thing by breaking up. my last boyfriend and i had a very dysfunctional relationship (long distance too, but only 3 hours apart so we saw each other a lot).

 

what i learned from that relationship is that we are a product of the environment we were raised in. and if that environment is was toxic and unhealthy, we absorb that as kids and that becomes our 'normal.' my ex grew up with a father that had addiction issues and a quick temper, and a mother who accepted the emotional abuse her husband gave her. he said that he 'walked on eggshells' in his house.

 

i, on the other hand, was a child of divorce. my father was gone all the time (explains why long distance doesnt bother me) and eventually my mom moved out of the house and divorced him.

 

my ex was incredibly sweet/nice to me as a friend (which we were for years), but when we started dating, he turned into a different person- any tiny thing might anger him and set him off into being condescending toward me. there were two instances when he raised his voice to me in public, once in front of strangers, the other in front of friends. it was embarrassing and made me feel like a battered wife.

 

even though i know that his bad behavior comes from insecurities, i cannot just excuse it and let him keep acting this way toward me. you should not either. people like this need open-mindedness to change and years of therapy. by refusing to be with him, you are actually helping him. you are loving him enough to show him that his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to change. whether he does or not is on him, but you did the best thing you could have.

 

stay strong. the hurting subsides with time.

  • Like 2
Posted
No matter how we label it, he is not in a place to date right now.. and he has a long way to go.. and that's why I have to stay strong. I know he will come back begging (as he already texted me last night)- but I have to remind myself of how big of a mind**** it is to be in a relationship with him. :(

That is the most important thing to know. I personally needed to understand it in some way to eventually accept what I felt her doing. And I needed to feel that I could not handle a relation where she would flee when she had stress even though she told me that I was very important to her. I had to accept my own limitations there

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Posted

even though i know that his bad behavior comes from insecurities, i cannot just excuse it and let him keep acting this way toward me. you should not either. people like this need open-mindedness to change and years of therapy. by refusing to be with him, you are actually helping him. you are loving him enough to show him that his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to change. whether he does or not is on him, but you did the best thing you could have.

 

stay strong. the hurting subsides with time.

 

I know what you mean.. My ex wasn't shouting at me in public but he also did weird things (like stalking) which I don't want to reinforce anymore. I feel bad for putting up with his bad behavior all this time. I feel... stupid. I was soo understanding towards his childhood issues, his commitment issues and his WTF behavior coming from it... but it was heading towards a doormat territory and it's not a place where I want to be...

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Posted
That is the most important thing to know. I personally needed to understand it in some way to eventually accept what I felt her doing. And I needed to feel that I could not handle a relation where she would flee when she had stress even though she told me that I was very important to her. I had to accept my own limitations there

 

Ah I know it... I just don't feel it (yet)

 

This is the toughest breakup I've ever had. Even though I know that letting go is the right thing to do, but at the same time, it also feels off.. a bit like how the whole relationship was..

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Posted (edited)

Today I'm not doing so great.

 

My ex transferred the money he owed me which i take as a sign that he doesn't want to come back (like, deliver it in person :D). I also checked his youtube channel and he added a lot of party songs last week. So i guess he went out to pick up girls or drink his sorrows away.

Another sign that he's not coming back.

 

I know this is the best possible outcome but I feel so hurt and mind****ed at the same time..

 

Sometimes (also when I started this thread) I think he was a genuine guy whose feelings were true, he is just really really scared of being with me.

 

Sometimes I think that he was a narcissist/ sociopath who just played the commitment phobe card against me all this time, to get away with all the **** he pulled on me. (there are clear signs pointing towards that... but since I was the one diagnosing him with CP, it's very possible that I turned a blind eye to those signs as they also describe CP).

 

How can one know for sure?

The result is the same but finding out the latter leaves my mind and emotions in a different place... :(

Edited by rita123
Posted (edited)

I'm going through the same thing, although I am a guy. I read that book this past week, He's scared, she's scared, and it was a real eye opener. My ex girlfriend is a classic active, and I am a classic passive. All the signs where there though I chose to ignore them for a multitude of "reasons". I think that we passives are as responsible as the active runner, if we didn't have commitment phobias why else would we pick these people to give all to? I'm having difficulty walking away and cutting my losses even now after 4 months, I actually bought that book on Amazon and sent it to my ex, (she should get it Friday, and I'm thinking of unblocking her number to see if she says thanks!!) but its a fantasy! She's gone, and won't be back. And it really wasn't that great of a relationship for me in so many ways- the number one way is the progressive unaccessibility on her part, till at one point she left me no option but to exchange keys and get my stuff.

I have had a week now of NC and it really is helping.

 

Stop blaming the other person, what is your part in it. We have the power to end it even if its over. I think in the back of our minds we have that hope that they will come back. Until we get rid of that pesky false hope we have not moved on.

Edited by panzerfaust69
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Posted (edited)
I'm going through the same thing, although I am a guy. I read that book this past week, He's scared, she's scared, and it was a real eye opener. My ex girlfriend is a classic active, and I am a classic passive. All the signs where there though I chose to ignore them for a multitude of "reasons". I think that we passives are as responsible as the active runner, if we didn't have commitment phobias why else would we pick these people to give all to? I'm having difficulty walking away and cutting my losses even now after 4 months, I actually bought that book on Amazon and sent it to my ex, (she should get it Friday, and I'm thinking of unblocking her number to see if she says thanks!!) but its a fantasy! She's gone, and won't be back. And it really wasn't that great of a relationship for me in so many ways- the number one way is the progressive unaccessibility on her part, till at one point she left me no option but to exchange keys and get my stuff.

I have had a week now of NC and it really is helping.

 

Stop blaming the other person, what is your part in it. We have the power to end it even if its over. I think in the back of our minds we have that hope that they will come back. Until we get rid of that pesky false hope we have not moved on.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing. In my case, both me and my ex read that book and he also started therapy 4 months ago. I know in many ways I was the passive partner and I know I have to work on myself to get into a healthier relationship. And yes, maybe I'm doing the blaming just to feel better about myself.

 

However.... this thought can't leave me now. What if it was just a mindgame all along? How come that he admitted CP so fast? And for me, understanding whether I'm a passive commitmentphobe or someone stuck in Stockholm Syndrome are two different things. I'm typing up a new thread now to get clarity on this.

 

But I agree that in the end we have the power to end things and change for the better! I want to re-read the book but unfortunately my ex highlighted some parts in it and now I also think that it was also just his manipulation :D

I'm going crazy.

Edited by rita123
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I already wrote another thread where I explain how my ex is a genuine, loving guy with a severe case of commitment phobia.

 



But what if he’s not?


 


What if he’s a narcissistic/ sociopath manipulator who just played the commitment phobia card against me? 

I know that the result is the same and I should move on. But I feel so mind****ed.. I don't understand why I put up with this guy.

 

As I explain in my previous posts, I really thought he just can't help his CP. We had some honest conversations about this and I know it affects many areas of his life.. he started therapy and it seems like he really wanted to change. He said I was the love of his life and it's our fight together. I still want to believe that it was real love.

 

But today I got these dark thoughts questioning whether there is more to it and whether I was a victim of emotional abuse.. Of course, it can also mean that I am only doing this to accept it's OVER. (well, whatever it takes to heal, I want that!)

 


Anybody experienced something similar with not CP but narcissist? Or can it be because he was both?

 



Flags:

- He is concerned about facebook. He doesn’t post anything because he is scared he wouldn't get any likes. However, he wanted to post an album of us (even after our short break) and later, wanted change the status to relationship. When I told him that I couldn't give less ****s about Facebook and that I’m not with him to show off, he seemed irritated.

 

There were times when I thought I was his trophy girlfriend. He sent pictures of me to his friends, and he even downloaded a picture of me (from my own fb) from years ago when we were not even together. I found it super awkward that he just downloads stuff he had nothing to do with, only to send it to his friends.

 

- He is worried about himself. He spends hours finding “illnesses” or personality profiles to understand himself better. He is admittedly hypochondriac and also has a fear of flying, fear of spiders. Once he self diagnosed himself with HSP (i know, not an illness) and when I said “ah you always find something” he got angry, it almost ended in a breakup. When I brought up commitment phobia he spent days researching and analyzing himself.. (and this was also enough for him to start therapy and read self help books) 
Maybe he was so receptive to my diagnosis because he just LIKES that everything is about him? and that he could use CP to get away with his manipulations? What if the fact that he is hypohondriac makes him believe that he's CP when he's not? (I'm telling you, I'm going crazy..)

 

- He always got irritated when i made jokes, he thought I was laughing at him- which sometimes turned into me begging for forgiveness. And of course, I really believed that I was evil for laughing at him. In the meantime, he said I was the funniest girl he’s ever met which made me joke even more.. so i was trapped in between these 2 expectations.

 

- He thinks that he’s special. I never thought it’s too bad but he often said things like “I feel so lonely, no-one sees the world like I do”.. and **** like that. When I told him that he had no clue how everyone else sees the world, he got irritated.

 

- Sex: he only wanted to have sex on his terms, he was turned off most times I initiated it. He said it’s because I’m more seductive when he was doing the chasing. WTF. Is this really normal from a loving guy?

 


- Love bombing from day one. He used way too many heart emojis and kisses “XXXXX” for my taste. I actually told him that I need less of that, he didn’t listen.. he bought me flowers, cakes, was very generous with money, even though I earned more... (at the time, i thought we just had different styles when it comes to dating..)

 

- He didn’t respect my boundaries. Once he showed up at my work and pushed me into making out with him in front of my office (“Are you embarrassed of me?”) He didn’t understand either that showing up at my door whenever he wanted is wrong. I got heart palpitations many times because I never knew who to expect when the doorbell rang. (this happened mostly when we were on a break but even after we got back together!) But I have to add that he temporarily lived with me for 1 month when he had his own key so maybe he just thought my home was his home.


 

- He trusted me with his email and social accounts. He always left his email and Facebook open on his computer and offered to give me his passwords. He said it was a lack of trust on my end that I wasn’t willing to do the same. Sometimes he’d pick up my phone and read messages from my friends and when I got angry he blamed it on me not trusting him.

 

- He was very very nice to my friends. He knows what to say and when to say it, and a good listener.... and what did he talk the most about to my friends? ME. So of course, he easily convinced everyone how much he's into me. Likewise, he always praised my friends to me. He said it only made him love me more, having such a great friend group.

 

[]

 

There are more examples but the post is already too long. 

I have read the book “He’s scared she’s scared” and I know that all of the above could be just classic CP behavior. However, I can’t help but think there was more to it. Especially after he was open about his CP, it felt like he could explain everything away with that!! Is it really all that simple?

 



I have to add that this guy was able to show compassion and genuine (?) interest towards me most times... he helped me through quitting my job and in general, a bad period in my life. He made me believe that I can follow my childhood dreams. He showed me love in the smallest things... So should I hold on to this... or realize that I have stockholm syndrome? I really dont know anymore...

 


We broke up because I had a cold. He got irritated and said he doesn't want to catch it (ON SKYPE?) and he said other mean things. When I confronted him… he again said: "you know that it is my CP talking". But couldn't it also be a narcissist who has no use of a play doll when she’s sick?



 

Well what matters is that I dumped him after this for good. And now I’m healing… but please let me know if you agree that there was more to this than CP.... I need to file this story on the right shelves in my brain.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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