Should I ask him about being active?

[katiegrl]

She told me to NOT ask him about why he's still active. Unless I misunderstood her.

 

JMO but am fairly certain she was advising you to talk to him.

 

Kendhake is big on communicating. Always.

 

In any event, I am so glad you communicated and were honest!

 

This is a lesson learned for me too as I would have presumed he was dating others and not that into me .... and would have walked.

 

That is like my usual MO.... which as I am learning is not the right way to go, as things are not always what they appear to be!!

 

I am really happy for you, this whole thing actually brought you closer! Wow good job.

[kendahke]

Thank God i did NOT listen to your advice and went with my gut.

 

You did follow my advice. You had a conversation with him.

 

You said

he was pretty impressed because I could communicate like an adult and that makes things so much easier for the both of us.

 

unless that was a lie...

[kendahke]

She told me to NOT ask him about why he's still active. Unless I misunderstood her.

 

No I didn't. What I said exactly was:

Then no you didn't mutually agree to anything. You're assuming, not agreeing. If you haven't had a conversation, have it instead of speculating.

 

YOU are the one who brought up about should you ask if he was still active:

I feel like I have nothing to worry either, except for the fact that he's still active on Bumble (where we met). Should I ask him about this?

 

To which I replied:

Not until you've had that conversation for real.

 

Don't get it twisted.

Edited April 20, 2016 by kendahke

[hugsandkisses]

No I didn't. What I said exactly was:

 

 

YOU are the one who brought up about should you ask if he was still active:

 

To which I replied:

Not until you've had that conversation for real.

 

Don't get it twisted.

 

I might have misunderstood you but I thought u said not to ask him until we already have the conversation. Either way it doesn't even matter. Appreciate your help.

[hugsandkisses]

So I'm still seeing the same guy. Things are going absolutely wonderfully, no complaints here. My feelings for him are stronger for sure, and I think he feels the same about me. I hit a nail and got a flat tire last night and had to leave my car at work. He offered to help repair the damaged tire, which I didn't want to bother him at first but then he said no way he'd let me have to pay and join triple A just to fix a flat. So on his only day off this week (which is today), he drove an hour to my job in the rain to fix my tire. I appreciated this so much I want to do something nice for him to show him how much I appreciated him helping me. I can't cook for him because he's huge into fitness and he measures his food. I want to do something nice that doesn't necessarily cost money (I just paid a huge amount towards my student loan and rent just 2 days ago). Any suggestions?

[Gaeta]

Any suggestions?

 

That was very nice of him to help you like this.

 

Get some massage oil and give him a nice massage seance.

[SomethingToSay]

Blowjob. Its free and its what he wants

[hugsandkisses]

Blowjob. Its free and its what he wants

 

Actually already did that in the parking lot right after he fixed my tire. Haha so I guess that should do

[hugsandkisses]

Not sure if I'm [] reading into things or if it is something I really should worry about. Before I jumped back on social media and I didn't have him on my facebook or instagram my gut was always telling me I had nothing to worry about. He talks to me everyday, we take turns initiating contact and hanging out. He follows me on instagram and facebook when I get back on again recently.

 

And you know how on instagram you can see all recent activities of people that you follow. Yesterday I was just browsing on IG and I saw he tagged a girl in a post. The post read "Ain't no highlighter on the market gonna give you the glow that good d*ck give you". I was shocked. I felt so betrayed although I don't really know what really is going on. I took a look at this girl's instagram and she's Indian and I remember him telling me he used to date an Indian girl.

 

I thought this might be his ex or even current girlfriend that I have no idea about. The weird thing that makes me scratch my head is that this girl is really good friend with his friends who are a couple (I have met this couple last weekend, we were on a double date). He has to be the dumbest person to bring me around his friends knowing that the female friend is really close with that Indian girl (I only know this from her pics on IG, they traveled oversea together so I figure they must be good friends).

 

I want to talk to him about this and I will, but this time I don't want to do it over the phone so I can only wait til next time I see him, which isn't til Thursday because he won't have any day off til then. And for the record we never went one day without talking to each other but yesterday when I reached out to him via text I could tell something was off, it was as if he wasnt having a good day so the convo was very short, which wasn't typical for us. And today he hasn't texted me either, but it's still early, but I just have a feeling something is off.

 

 

I just haven't been able to focus on anything other than why he would tag her in that pic. I guess I just need to vent and see what others' take on this.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and language

[Dis]

Not sure if I'm [] reading into things or if it is something I really should worry about. Before I jumped back on social media and I didn't have him on my facebook or instagram my gut was always telling me I had nothing to worry about. He talks to me everyday, we take turns initiating contact and hanging out. He follows me on instagram and facebook when I get back on again recently.

 

And you know how on instagram you can see all recent activities of people that you follow. Yesterday I was just browsing on IG and I saw he tagged a girl in a post. The post read "Ain't no highlighter on the market gonna give you the glow that good d*ck give you". I was shocked. I felt so betrayed although I don't really know what really is going on. I took a look at this girl's instagram and she's Indian and I remember him telling me he used to date an Indian girl.

 

I thought this might be his ex or even current girlfriend that I have no idea about. The weird thing that makes me scratch my head is that this girl is really good friend with his friends who are a couple (I have met this couple last weekend, we were on a double date). He has to be the dumbest person to bring me around his friends knowing that the female friend is really close with that Indian girl (I only know this from her pics on IG, they traveled oversea together so I figure they must be good friends).

 

I want to talk to him about this and I will, but this time I don't want to do it over the phone so I can only wait til next time I see him, which isn't til Thursday because he won't have any day off til then. And for the record we never went one day without talking to each other but yesterday when I reached out to him via text I could tell something was off, it was as if he wasnt having a good day so the convo was very short, which wasn't typical for us. And today he hasn't texted me either, but it's still early, but I just have a feeling something is off.

 

 

I just haven't been able to focus on anything other than why he would tag her in that pic. I guess I just need to vent and see what others' take on this.

 

I would not draw postitive conclusions from that post....nope. It sounds like they hooked up. Even if they didnt, a guy that posts things like that is a douche IMO. You mentioned he measures his food...is he into body building?? Is he really hot??? If so, I know these types of guys, I cant make a sweeping judgment but for the most part I've found...they know they look good and they use it to their advantage (not in a good way).

 

Why arent you two exclusive yet?? Its been awhile if I'm not mistaken. Why doesnt he want to lock you down? He seems like he still wants to play the field.

 

You mentioned this girl might be his current gf??? Whattttt???? So your ok with that if thats the case???? So if Im getting this right...the guy your dating might have a gf???? Huh??? Why are you dating this guy???

 

And I want to ask you...why did you give him a bj??? He hasnt asked for exclusivity yet....he might have a gf....and hes posting sexually suggestive stuff about another girl on social media. He fixed your tire...thats nice but considering all variables, I dont think giving him a bj was a good idea to repay his kindness. Are you guys sleeping together too???

 

Hun, I think your taking this in the wrong direction....I think your going to end up getting hurt. The guy hasnt asked to be exclusive....hes posting sexual stuff about other girls andddd he might have a gf??? Omg, I wouldnt even waste my time talking to a guy like this never mind having sexual relations with him.

 

Just looking out for you...I think you might be loosing sight of the reality of this situtation.

[hugsandkisses]

So this is a tricky situation. Anybody follows me post "Should I ask him about being active" knows my situation. And if you have read my last question I posted in that topic, please disregard, it's no longer my concern.

 

But for anyone who doesn't know what it is I'm referring to, here's the summary: I ve been seeing a guy for 5 weeks. Things are excellent (at least that's how I feel). He hasn't given me any doubt about where this is progressing, except for some yellow flags about his own issues. So yesterday and today something seemed a bit off. So instead of listening to my own instinct I actually listened to a friend's advice. Instead of just asking him if he was ok and needed to talk, I added the stupid question "Is everything ok between us". He said his bestfriend almost committed suicide and he's been dealing with that and being there for his friend's family, and I somehow made it all about me. Which I felt like a fool for listening to my friend's advice.

 

And one thing led to another we had a 2 hour phone conversation, and this is where the yellow flags come in to play:

 

So flashback to when we had a talk one night, and we both could see our discrepancies pretty early on. The thing is though, I wasn't 100% honest and I wasnt being myself then. I tried to portray myself in front of him as this person who tries to be positive 100% of the time, because I was scared of showing the real me, who actually experiences anger, insecurities, sadness, all those emotions as well. He said he felt like I only had one dimension. That's where he feels like things just arent lining up. But then today we talked on the phone and I was upset and I showed him that I was capable of feeling other emotions and he said "I'm glad you're showing me another side of you. I'm glad you're not trying to be perfect, because perfect is far from what I'm looking for" (?!)

 

Also, he said the sexual chemistry is off the chart and he's scared that might be the reason he's still seeing me. But he wasn't sure if there was any real passion, because every time we hang out, it's all just light and fun and physical, we never get into anything deeper.

 

Another thing, he once told me before, he felt like one person only had so many pieces to give, and after giving out so many, he doesn't have much left to give, and so he doesnt know if he's capable of loving anymore. He said he was dating someone for a whole year and he never felt the spark but she convinced him that spark could grow over time but he never did feel like it was growing, so he's scared he's doing the same thing with me.

 

However, he then said we do have great chemistry, but usually he thinks he'd fall in love with someone within a month or two and if he doesn't feel like he could be falling in love then there's no point of wasting each other's time. I told him falling in love is a progress, feelings need to develop overtime. He seems to get this all twisted. After I told him that, he said he has some thinking to do about the whole falling in love thing and maybe he's been wrong all this time about that.

 

I told him he has a lot of thinking to do and maybe he needs to do that on his own without me. He said it doesn't have to be such a big deal, and that he would still like to see me.

 

I don't know at this point. I want to give him space. I want him to clear his head and come to me if and when he does want to get back to his normal self. I like this guy a lot and although im not sure as much as he isn't sure what the future holds for us, I'm willing to take this risk. I felt like somehow I made an impulsive decision and it could break this before it even has a chance to blossom into something more. But a part of me also thinks that maybe it's time to walk away. Maybe I shouldn't be with someone who has so many issues. I don't know...my heart tells me to stay and my head tells me to walk away before I get even more involved...

 

I'm sorry for this lengthy post and thanks so much for reading, but any advice is appreciated.

Edited May 2, 2016 by hugsandkisses

[Dis]

[]

 

Youre setting yourself up for failure here. Hes trying to tell you hes not ready for a relationship and doesnt feel that connection/possible love for you and your trying to convince him otherwise. Dont waste your time. Theres plenty of other guys out there that are willing to jump right in, I'm dating one right now. Dont settle for someone that has one foot in, one foot out. Your fighting a loosing battle here. Exit before you invest more emotion and time. Trust me...I've been where you are. If a guy even hints that hes not ready for a relationship...that means he is absolutly not ready.

 

And this guy sounds like a wishy washy douche to be honest. After reading your previous post and this one, I would run as fast as you can.

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted full quote of immediately preceding post ~6

[hugsandkisses]

[]

 

Youre setting yourself up for failure here. Hes trying to tell you hes not ready for a relationship and doesnt feel that connection/possible love for you and your trying to convince him otherwise. Dont waste your time. Theres plenty of other guys out there that are willing to jump right in, I'm dating one right now. Dont settle for someone that has one foot in, one foot out. Your fighting a loosing battle here. Exit before you invest more emotion and time. Trust me...I've been where you are. If a guy even hints that hes not ready for a relationship...that means he is absolutly not ready.

 

And this guy sounds like a wishy washy douche to be honest. After reading your previous post and this one, I would run as fast as you can.

 

I actually have gathered some thoughts and I do agree with you. Hence I just sent him a text:

 

Hey, so I gave it some thought. I know we ended the phone convo on somewhat of a good note, meaning that we would still hang out and see each other, but i'd be lying if i said things havent changed.

 

What you said about falling in love should happen in a moment, while I believe falling in love should be a progress developed over time rather than a spur of a moment; the fact that you don't have much left to give someone; or that you aren't sure if your feelings towards me could change overtime, or that you don't even feel the sparks, and you're not sure if you will ever capable of feeling love anymore...I thought about what you said. Then I realized that you seem very much confused.

 

It seems like you just need to go away and figure out what you want and be on your own for a while and I want your happiness more than anything in the world, I just want you to be happy, I really do. Because you're a great guy and you deserve happiness. So i feel like you need to go and be alone in order to sort out your feelings and figure out what you want. And i hope that I am still here when you're not so confused, or when you actually are OK with the idea of letting your feelings develop and falling in love with someone OVER TIME.

 

But until then I know that I need someone who is capable of falling in love at some point. Because I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't know if he has anything left to give. And I certainly don't want to be with someone who isn't 100% about wanting to be with me, or seeing the potential to be with me. Because that's what I deserve, and that's why I can't accept anything less than someone who's sure about me.

[Dis]

AWESOME JOB GIRL! There ya go! I'm really glad you picked up on all these red flags. Trust me...you are saving yourself alot of pain later down the road. This guy seems like a hot mess or just a player or just a half a**er. You are totally right, you deserve someone who can give you as much as you give him...not crumbs.

 

I personally wouldnt have said, I hope I'm here when you figure it out.

**** that. He had his chance.

 

Pls move on 100%. Go NC. He might continue to text you and try to pull you back into his game. Dont play into that. Have your feet firmly planted on the ground and your eyes focused on the future...meaning dont let him distract you from finding a guy who is worth you time. I'd block him everywhere. Dont run the risk of not moving on or getting sucked back in.

 

I'm glad you have enough respect for yourself to end it. Believe me there are plenty of other guys who are worth it and you will find one

[Gaeta]

I actually have gathered some thoughts and I do agree with you. Hence I just sent him a text:

 

Hey, so I gave it some thought. I know we ended the phone convo on somewhat of a good note, meaning that we would still hang out and see each other, but i'd be lying if i said things havent changed.

 

What you said about falling in love should happen in a moment, while I believe falling in love should be a progress developed over time rather than a spur of a moment; the fact that you don't have much left to give someone; or that you aren't sure if your feelings towards me could change overtime, or that you don't even feel the sparks, and you're not sure if you will ever capable of feeling love anymore...I thought about what you said. Then I realized that you seem very much confused.

 

It seems like you just need to go away and figure out what you want and be on your own for a while and I want your happiness more than anything in the world, I just want you to be happy, I really do. Because you're a great guy and you deserve happiness. So i feel like you need to go and be alone in order to sort out your feelings and figure out what you want. And i hope that I am still here when you're not so confused, or when you actually are OK with the idea of letting your feelings develop and falling in love with someone OVER TIME.

 

But until then I know that I need someone who is capable of falling in love at some point. Because I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't know if he has anything left to give. And I certainly don't want to be with someone who isn't 100% about wanting to be with me, or seeing the potential to be with me. Because that's what I deserve, and that's why I can't accept anything less than someone who's sure about me.

 

Wow!! I am so impressed!! Bravo! You're one smart cookie!!

 

Now move on, open yourself to meeting someone genuine and ready.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would be more impressed if she sticks by it. IMO it's relatively easy to make the initial decision but standing your ground, especially if the guy tries to convince you otherwise is very challenging.

[hugsandkisses]

I thought I was gonna be a lot more upset but I'm doing OK, which is pretty awesome. I guess with each and every single time this happens it does stink a little but every time as I'm more and more used to it I get less and less upset each time. He said he would still be around and I could hit him up sometime if I ever want to just hang out as friends but I know better not to do that. Each time it's a no just means my yes is one person closer to me.

[tayriley]

any guy posting on social media about a girls' 'd*ck glow' should NOT be someone you want to date...that is so tacky to write about a girl online...he clearly doesnt respect women or is immature enough to think it's cool to show off he has slept with a girl...both things are terrible traits to have.

 

let this one go and dont feel bad about it at all. think of it this way- he showed you who he really is. be thankful it only took you a few weeks to see it, instead of a few months or years.