Need some form of healing

[MovingonFAST]

I have been in a back and forth 6 year relationship. The past 10 months we have been living together almost as roommates after our daughter was born. We have 2 children together and 1 each from previous relationships. I thought she was the one and I have tried to work things out with her. Especially the last 10 months I tried to change as many aspects of myself as possible to see if we could get back together. Living with her and the kids is hard. At times I'm happy when we are together and she lets me hold her hand or rub her feet as I always did. But then there's times when I realize it's over. A few nights ago we went out on a date night and to my surprise the evening ended with us in her room arguing and she telling me she is not in love with me anymore. I can't live this way and I need to react. I don't have the financial stability to leave but I know it's over. My question is when is it ok to have sex with other women. I don't want a relationship with anyone else but I am feeling lonely and need companionship. A relationship wouldn't work in my situation until I'm moved out completely. But my mother always said to forget a broken heart u need to find another love. What should I do and where can I find someone just to lay with from time to time without commitments?

[Satu]

I don't want a relationship with anyone else but I am feeling lonely and need companionship. *A relationship wouldn't work in my situation until I'm moved out completely. But **my mother always said to forget a broken heart u need to find another love. What should I do and where can I find someone just to lay with from time to time without commitments?

 

 

*A relationship won't work until long after you've moved out, and dealt with the pain of your current situation.

 

**This is dreadful advice.

 

Spend some time by yourself; healing and moving on.

[Miss.A]

My question is when is it ok to have sex with other women.

 

This is a personal question and my opinion is NO.

 

Its not fair to you, or other women. There are to many emotions involved and I have never seen a situation like this work out.

 

Being lonely and doing something like this will not fill the void you believe to be missing. It will only make your heart hurt more.

 

Although you will probably hear different advice from different people.

Edited April 17, 2016 by Miss.A

[MovingonFAST]

Yes. You are both correct. I was sadly looking for an easy way to cope. It's been hard seeing her move on or hearing her say mean things like "you have everything else except me" or "why don't you find a side chic" and I've heard it's over number out times. I won't be able to move out for a few months and I sometimes just feel like a glorified babysitter caring for the kids while she goes out. I need to do something because the time I spend with my kids I shouldn't see as babysitting but not being able to completely walk away from her is killing me. I have to see her everyday and not love her but not hate her so the kids can't tell or so I'm not mean to her infringement of the kids. I'm 37 years old. I thought she was the one and I don't want to grow old alone. I feel like I wasted my life in this relationship and no one will want to be with me having "baggage" as its but out to me before.

[MovingonFAST]

I need help coping. I am smoking pot and cigarettes and trying to numb and mask my pain. I am surrounded by the kids most of my time or work and colleagues. I am a leader at work and people relay on me and look for my leadership and I have to be on my A game and not distracted. I also let things in my life affect my life so I have to find some change or timings will go down hill. I almost lost my job once before. Now I've found these forum and I'm looking for any way to communicate to someone. All my family and friends I pushed away during the past 10 months with the baby and mainly because I don't want to hear the "I told you so's"

[Satu]

Yes. You are both correct. *I was sadly looking for an easy way to cope. It's been hard seeing her move on or hearing her say mean things like "you have everything else except me" or **"why don't you find a side chic" and I've heard it's over number out times. I won't be able to move out for a few months and I sometimes just feel like a glorified babysitter caring for the kids while she goes out. I need to do something because ***the time I spend with my kids I shouldn't see as babysitting but not being able to completely walk away from her is killing me. I have to see her everyday and not love her but not hate her so the kids can't tell or so I'm not mean to her infringement of the kids. I'm 37 years old. I thought she was the one and I don't want to grow old alone. ****I feel like I wasted my life in this relationship and *****no one will want to be with me having "baggage" as its but out to me before.

 

*There is no easy way to cope, but it gets a lot easier. The real healing will start when you move out, but you can heal to some extent, even though you're still living together.

 

**Thats nonsense, just said to hurt and humiliate you. Forget it.

 

***You're absolutely right about that; you shouldn't see it that way.

 

****It's not wasted. You have children to show for it, and thats something many want, but can't have. Get into your kids. Take your fathering to the next level and increase your enjoyment of it.

 

*****Everybody has some baggage. You'll need to shed some of yours before your next relationship, but you're definitely not 'spoiled goods.'

 

 

This is a really tough time for you. It would be for anyone, but it's not forever.

 

Move out as soon as you can.

 

Be a great Dad. Be the best.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

I need help coping. I am smoking pot and cigarettes and trying to numb and mask my pain. I am surrounded by the kids most of my time or work and colleagues. I am a leader at work and people relay on me and look for my leadership and I have to be on my A game and not distracted. I also let things in my life affect my life so I have to find some change or timings will go down hill. I almost lost my job once before. Now I've found these forum and I'm looking for any way to communicate to someone. All my family and friends I pushed away during the past 10 months with the baby and mainly because I don't want to hear the "I told you so's"

 

First and foremost keep posting here.

 

Writing about how you feel helps. There's no doubt about that. It's proven.

 

 

Here is something I wrote for myself, which helped me.

 

You can't do the No Contact part now, but you can when you move out. You can then restrict your contact to matters relating to your children.

 

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day, for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and all the things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

[MovingonFAST]

Thank you for the advice. It's easier to hear then put in practice but I'm trying. I was foolish looking for an easy way to cope. U just have to do it one day at a time. These past 2 days were ok because the kids and work kept me busy. I'm sure she's notice a change in my behavior. No more bending over backwards hoping she will snap out of it. It's my fault for falling in love with someone who was immature and spoiled. Seems like she throws herself to the ground and starts a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. This morning was hard thou. She looked amazing for work and it brought my insecurities down. I'm off today and now all I can think of is her. I wanna hate her so much. I think I do then I feel like this.

[Satu]

Thank you for the advice. It's easier to hear then put in practice but I'm trying. I was foolish looking for an easy way to cope. U just have to do it one day at a time. These past 2 days were ok because the kids and work kept me busy. I'm sure she's notice a change in my behavior. No more bending over backwards hoping she will snap out of it. It's my fault for falling in love with someone who was immature and spoiled. Seems like she throws herself to the ground and starts a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. This morning was hard thou. She looked amazing for work and it brought my insecurities down. I'm off today and now all I can think of is her. I wanna hate her so much. I think I do then I feel like this.

 

Anger can be helpful.

 

Hate isn't helpful.

 

Anger can move you forward.

 

Hate keeps you stuck.

 

 

Having said that, whatever feelings that come up should be allowed and felt.

 

 

Do something good for yourself every day:

 

 

Do some exercise.

 

Get a haircut.

 

Go out and see a movie.

 

Check in with your friends.

 

Go and see a sports event.

 

 

See what you can come up with when you think about this.

 

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[MovingonFAST]

Thanks. I have a couple of friends coming over to help me pressure wash the pool deck and get a tattoo. One of my buddies is a tattoo artist. Just getting my kids names but hoping the physical pain will match the emotional one. Just trying to focus on a future for myself. One where I don't feel this way.