Jump to content

Should I have any hope??

jat123

By jat123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

jat123 New Member

jat123

Posted
Posted

Hi guys...first ever post in this forum!

 

So a fairly long drawn out story, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for from you apart from some thoughts and maybe a little bit of help.

 

I've recently broken up with my GF of 6 years (both now 25). This happened over 3 weeks ago.

 

Apart from a 3 week break 3 years ago (I was in Germany for 10 weeks and rather immaturely didn't communicate with her very well), we have had a happy, exciting relationship. In fact the first 10 months of 2015 were our happiest.

 

However, in Nov-Dec 2015 I started having feelings of not being sure of what I want, i.e. I thought about being single for a while, as I had been in this relationship for 6 years, and didn't want to look back on my life and regret never being properly single. So I consequently became quite distant and cold to my GF at the time, not wanting to send her mixed signals. Whereas she was at a point where she wanted to live with me and spend her life with me (basically making herself vulnerable and me not giving her anything back - I can see that must've been really hard for her). This built up and got to the point where we had to have a chat in early Jan 2016. After which she couldn't see anything changing without a break. So we went on a break.

 

Didn't speak very much at all for first 2.5 weeks in which time I realised that I did want to be with her and this 'single' feeling was a flash in the pan with no real meaning to it. However, in that time she had gone the other way and re-thought our relationship and wasn't sure what she wanted any more. I managed to convince her to just take things slowly and see how they go over a couple of months. Started off talking on the phone, then seeing each other for a drink...then eventually ended up going back to each others and sleeping with one another on 4 or 5 occasions over 4 weeks. However, in amongst all this she was being quite cold in texts in between seeing each other, and apparently after every time we saw each other, she would have a little mini panic about it all. She did say that on most of the occasions when we did sleep together, when we were physically together, she made the decision in her head to be with me again, only then to have one of these panics after I left.

 

This continued until one week, she started to put off seeing me and then eventually we went for brunch and we had a chat and after 2 hours of talking and crying she ended it. Her reasons were that she was worried she wasn't jumping at the chance to get back together, she says we shouldn't go back into this unless we're 100% sure we want to be together forever (she isn't at the moment) and she was just missing something.

 

However, she did say she still loved me, that I was her best friend and she could see us ending up together, and that she could regret what she was doing. And the last time I saw her before we broke up, we went for dinner, slept together and spent the morning together - so I don't really know what changed.

 

I think the timing of all this was sped up as she had a 3 week holiday to USA planned a few days after we broke up (she's just got back).

 

So I said to her don't contact me unless it's to discuss the issue of getting back together, and we've been in no contact since then, like I said 3 weeks.

 

I obviously want her back, wouldn't be writing this otherwise, but am trying to go into this like it's 100% over. I'm just really struggling to see why we can't be together and that's giving me hope. I am currently just getting through the days for her, in the hope she'll miss me as I'm no longer available to her at the drop of a hat, and then get in contact with me when she comes off the high of being on holiday. But I am functioning, doing all the stuff I would normally do.

 

Thoughts? Do you think I should have any hope at all?

 

Thanks (and sorry for the essay :))

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

snip

*I consequently became quite distant and cold to my GF at the time, not wanting to send her mixed signals. Whereas she was at a point where she wanted to live with me and spend her life with me (basically making herself vulnerable and me not giving her anything back

 

*That was the point of no return.

 

 

Someone who has opened themselves up and made themselves vulnerable, only to be met with coldness and distance, will never feel the same about that person again.

 

After that point, the relationship was doomed.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 3
  • Author
jat123 New Member

jat123

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Why do you think that? Why are you so sure?

 

Surely you can't just switch off love and wanting to give someone everything you have...even if it isn't reciprocated?

 

Thanks

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted
Why do you think that? Why are you so sure?

 

Surely you can't just switch off love and wanting to give someone everything you have...even if it isn't reciprocated?

 

Thanks

 

Think about it yourself.

 

Use some empathy.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
Why do you think that? Why are you so sure?

 

Surely you can't just switch off love and wanting to give someone everything you have...even if it isn't reciprocated?

 

Thanks

 

I have been in her shoes. It's an awful feeling and it changes the way you see the person who mistreated you. She was probably asking herself the very same questions when you hurt her by being cold and distant. That is not love. You can't very well expect her to still want to be with you after that.

 

It doesn't mean she does't love you in the sense that she cares about you, but it does probably mean she won't trust you with her heart again. She saw that you are careless with it and disrespectful of her feelings.

 

I think it's probably time you engaged your empathy skills so you can really understand the damage you caused. At the moment, it's clear you're not really getting it.

  • Like 3
Miss.A Member

Miss.A

Posted
Posted
(basically making herself vulnerable and me not giving her anything back - I can see that must've been really hard for her).

 

I dont really think you do see how much you hurt her. If someone you love shuts you out and becomes distant like you did with her its hard to trust them again. You basically made yourself distant without telling her your problems and trying to work things out. You thought not telling her would be better but that was the wrong decision. She didn't necessary "switch off the love" for you, but she surely doesn't trust you anymore. She did guard herself and her heart because you hurt her so much.

  • Like 2
Miss.A Member

Miss.A

Posted
Posted

 

So I said to her don't contact me unless it's to discuss the issue of getting back together, and we've been in no contact since then, like I said 3 weeks.

 

 

Also, she probably wont end up contacting you because she doesnt want to relive the break-up. If you told her you dont want to talk to her until she wants to get back together, then I would say dont expect to hear back. You can't go from a break up right back into the midst of a relationship. After the healing process is over, you need to basically start from square one again if you want a chance of it to work out in the long run. If you jump right back into it, it wont work out because all the things that made the relationship fail will not be fixed. If you ever want this to work out between you the next time you do make contact with her make sure it is a light conversion and not about the past relationship.

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

The OP would need to become more familiar with the world of feelings, and the part that feelings play in relationships and the whole human experience.

  • Like 1
swang Member

swang

Posted
Posted

It's such a rare and interesting post to see here, the dumper ends up regretting it. This may be over, but if anything is going to happen... you need to make it happen. She is not going to initiate contact with you anymore after what you've done to her.

  • Like 2
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
jat123 New Member

jat123

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks for all the replies!:)

 

I know you won't believe me, but I genuinely understand that it hurt her more than I can imagine. I don't lack empathy - it's 99% part of my job! I can't believe I let myself do that, I was just very confused at the time. I would do anything in the world to go back and change that. I would do anything in the world for her. And I was a great boyfriend to her for 5 and a half years.

 

But unfortunately for me I made a massive mistake and I'll potentially end up regretting it for the rest of my life. But humans make mistakes, I didn't actively seek to her hurt. I always loved her. So sorry if you guys think I'm incapable of understanding empathy.

 

Anyway, once I realised my mistake I did everything in my power to get her back. I was completely committed to her and gave her absolutely everything I could. Then she dumped me so I wasn't the dumper in the end (although admittedly I did start it all).

 

 

It's been nearly 5 weeks now of total no contact. Whilst it has been a horrible, massive struggle, I've have managed to continue normal life and (I think) improve myself in other domains of my life.

 

Do you guys think it would be a good idea to contact her soon? Or will it need to come from her?

 

Just looking for some friendly advice :) thanks!

Edited by jat123
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...