TheAviator Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend in the army. We've met on a dating site. We hit it off really well, and he started becoming inactive on that site. We used to communicate every day. Recently, he has gotten cold and distant. I realized something was wrong and checked his dating profile to find that he is still paying and active! I confronted him so many times and he kept denying, denying, denying! I even said I would forgive him and not ditch him if he was telling the truth. I even lied about cheating (when I didn't) to get him to confess. He kept denying! He is Catholic and he said he swears to God and Jesus that he isn't cheating on me. He said the reason why he had it up was because he doesn't really use FB and he has gay friends on there because he went through a crisis after his last break up! He promised me he would delete his profile. He never did. He promised me he would change the description saying he is in a relationship and looking for friends. He didn't! What should I do? I am so sick and tired of this. Clearly this dating profile is destroying our relationship and he doesn't give a ****. I even said he could leave now and find someone else. He begged me not to and he is not cheating! He said he can't even work, constantly gets yelled at by his commanding officer and things got stolen because of this. But I don't believe him!!!
Arieswoman Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 TheAviator, Why do guys cheat instead of breaking up? because they want to have their cake and eat it And female cheats do the same BTW - before I get accused of sexism... 6
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 People cheat, instead of breaking up. And quit pummelling your BF long-distance. Wait until you're F2F. If he's deployed or far from you, it's stressful enough as it is being in the Army without being given a hard time by someone who's supposed to be in love with him and supportive. Stop hounding him. You obviously feel strongly enough to keep badgering him, so why don't you take the initiative, instead of off-loading on him? Here's your solution - Either break up, or clam up. ETA: You posted this almost a month ago. And you're still hounding him about this? 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Why do women cheat instead of breaking up? I'm more wondering why the OP doesn't just break up if she's so insecure and mistrusting....? 2
Zahara Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 You can break-up with him, you know. He's not going to do what you ask -- so if it's a dealbreaker, then end it. Otherwise, stop going on and on about it with him and stay in the relationship. 2
joystickd Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 I'm more wondering why the OP doesn't just break up if she's so insecure and mistrusting....? She hates to be the bad guy.
Author TheAviator Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 I did try to break up! He didn't want to and begged me not to. He even cried, stating that he loves me and will never consider replacing me. That I'm smart, beautiful and funny. I blocked him on everything except my phone number. He then proceeded to be miserable, telling me he knows I am breaking up with him, and that his day has been horrible at work. I think he is guilt-tripping me to try and get me off the hook. I am convinced in creating a dating profile, hitting him up and see how he reacts. Then I will have the evidence against him because right now, I have no evidence
katiegrl Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 I couldn't make it through even a quarter of that ridiculous text convo in the previous thread that was linked. Cringe-worthy at its finest. This has got to be one most dysfunctional "relationships" I have read about on here. Both of you! Why are you asking HIM if he wants to break up? YOU break up with him... sheesh! 3
Author TheAviator Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 He says he doesn't want to. I said I wanted to. But two main big questions here: am I paranoid or is he really cheating? And why is he keeping on denying he's not cheating when he clearly is?
katiegrl Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 I did try to break up! He didn't want to and begged me not to. He even cried, stating that he loves me and will never consider replacing me. That I'm smart, beautiful and funny. I blocked him on everything except my phone number. He then proceeded to be miserable, telling me he knows I am breaking up with him, and that his day has been horrible at work. I think he is guilt-tripping me to try and get me off the hook. I am convinced in creating a dating profile, hitting him up and see how he reacts. Then I will have the evidence against him because right now, I have no evidence You "tried" to break up? Stop allowing him to manipulate and guilt-trip you.... that my dear is on YOU. You are a grown woman with a mind of your own. End this toxicity ... it's ridiculous. 4
katiegrl Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 He says he doesn't want to. I said I wanted to. But two main big questions here: am I paranoid or is he really cheating? And why is he keeping on denying he's not cheating when he clearly is? It doesn't matter if he is cheating or not. Your "relationship" if you could even call it that, is toxic, dysfunctional and unhealthy.
Author TheAviator Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 Can it be saved? Because I still have strong feelings for him and I wanted everything to go back to the way they were.
Zahara Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Can it be saved? Because I still have strong feelings for him and I wanted everything to go back to the way they were. If you can accept that he wants to be on dating sites, then yes it can be saved. Strong feelings for someone doesn't justify staying in a situation that isn't working for you.
Space Ritual Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 I did try to break up! He didn't want to and begged me not to. He even cried, stating that he loves me and will never consider replacing me. That I'm smart, beautiful and funny. I blocked him on everything except my phone number. He then proceeded to be miserable, telling me he knows I am breaking up with him, and that his day has been horrible at work. I think he is guilt-tripping me to try and get me off the hook. I am convinced in creating a dating profile, hitting him up and see how he reacts. Then I will have the evidence against him because right now, I have no evidence Why waste your time? Why did you block him on everything except your phone? That serves no purpose other than leaving a door cracked open. Just block him on everything and be done with it. Doing things like this half assed ends up blowing up on you because you are half assing this. Who gives a whit if you have evidence or not. You are in an LDR and they do not work when you don't have trust. Wake up! No it can't be saved. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 From the previous thread: Him: What!? Just ****ing leave!!! Go ahead and break my heart over a ****ing website!!! Goodbye Me: Can you delete your page? I would never mention it again. I promise. Him : Why would I do that when you don't even trust me anymore... Me: I promise I will trust you this time.This won't happen every again. I never doubted you until that webpage came up. This guy has you wrapped round his little finger. You try and tell him you won't stand it anymore, he pulls the oldest trick in the book (calls your bluff about leaving him) and you fold instantly, rewarding him of the promise of trust and love if he only deletes this dating site account he SHOULD ALREADY HAVE DELETED WHEN YOU BECAME EXCLUSIVE. He's looking around for something else, at the very least getting his kicks and entertainment by flirting and leading others on when he's bored. Honestly at this point it's partly your fault because you know it and you are accepting it, so either leave him or shut up about it and accept it. He's making his position clear. I assume you're young OP, it's too easy to fall into the trap where just because you feel you love someone you accept bad behaviour and expend tonnes of energy trying to get someone to change when if they care as much about you as you do them, they'd never be engaging in that behaviour to begin with. Take this as a learning point, end it and leave him to find what he's looking for on that website, and free yourself up to meet someone IRL you can build an actual relationship with. And stop with the 'I tried to break up but he wouldn't let me' crap, you have the power to end this and any other relationship whenever you want. 4
katiegrl Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 If you can accept that he wants to be on dating sites, then yes it can be saved. Strong feelings for someone doesn't justify staying in a situation that isn't working for you. This ^^ and if you choose to stay, at the very least, stop acting like his mother. I mean you were literally scolding him in that text convo, like he was your child. You don't like his behavior, you say your piece, tell him it's not acceptable, and leave it at that. If it continues, you move on. The end, next. 1
Author TheAviator Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 But why is he denying cheating? He could have all the freedom he wants from breaking up with me. I said I want to give him his freedom back and I know he is seeing someone. But he kept denying and says he wants me! He promised me he would delete his profile. He promised me he would update his description saying he is looking for friends. He never did! I know I have to break it off with him for real this time. I have been in denial I was so much happier off without him
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 But why is he denying cheating? He could have all the freedom he wants from breaking up with me. I said I want to give him his freedom back and I know he is seeing someone. But he kept denying and says he wants me! He promised me he would delete his profile. He promised me he would update his description saying he is looking for friends. He never did! Actions speak louder than words. I know I have to break it off with him for real this time. I have been in denial I was so much happier off without him Then there's your answer. That was easy, wasn't it? 2
Author TheAviator Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 Should I send this to him tomorrow? "Can I have a little chat with you? I just want to say I know where I stand in this relationship and what you want. I feel that you no longer want this and don't want to put any more effort in this. Is this true? I know you're extremely busy and I know now is the bad time to discuss this. I don't even care if you don't reply for months. But what is getting to me is the fact that the profile is destroying our relationship, but you aren't doing anything you have promised to make me trust you and feel secure. If you really love me, you should have at least done it to save us. Actions speak louder than words. Ever since you've grown distant after that 5 day mission, it feels like everything is an effort. I've done everything I can to save this.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Should I send this to him tomorrow? "Can I have a little chat with you? I just want to say I know where I stand in this relationship and what you want. I feel that you no longer want this and don't want to put any more effort in this. Is this true? I know you're extremely busy and I know now is the bad time to discuss this. I don't even care if you don't reply for months. But what is getting to me is the fact that the profile is destroying our relationship, but you aren't doing anything you have promised to make me trust you and feel secure. If you really love me, you should have at least done it to save us. Actions speak louder than words. Ever since you've grown distant after that 5 day mission, it feels like everything is an effort. I've done everything I can to save this. No. Don't say that. You are still leaving him room to sweet talk his way back into this. Just say that you don't see this working and leave it at that. He already knows that the issues are. There is no need to provide a rationale or discuss it further - it only makes you look weak. Be strong! 3
katiegrl Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Should I send this to him tomorrow? "Can I have a little chat with you? I just want to say I know where I stand in this relationship and what you want. I feel that you no longer want this and don't want to put any more effort in this. Is this true? I know you're extremely busy and I know now is the bad time to discuss this. I don't even care if you don't reply for months. But what is getting to me is the fact that the profile is destroying our relationship, but you aren't doing anything you have promised to make me trust you and feel secure. If you really love me, you should have at least done it to save us. Actions speak louder than words. Ever since you've grown distant after that 5 day mission, it feels like everything is an effort. I've done everything I can to save this. Why? What's the point? He will only deny once again, plus it just keeps the drama alive. If you want to end it, which I hope you do for real, just tell him sorry this isn't working for ya anymore and you are moving on. Wish him well, be safe, and goodbye. He's not stupid, he knows why you're ending it. No need to explain it to him.... AGAIN. 2
Zahara Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 But why is he denying cheating? He could have all the freedom he wants from breaking up with me. I said I want to give him his freedom back and I know he is seeing someone. But he kept denying and says he wants me! He promised me he would delete his profile. He promised me he would update his description saying he is looking for friends. He never did! I know I have to break it off with him for real this time. I have been in denial I was so much happier off without him No #1 rule in the Cheaters Handbook: Deny, Deny, Deny. But he already has his freedom even when he is with you. He can still have his cake and eat it too -- that's an awesome deal! Cheaters will deny to keep you in their pocket while they have their fun somewhere else. Why would a cheater break up with someone who's available to him for comfort, support, ego boost, attention, etc? 2
Blanco Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 A better question to ask might be, "Why do people stay with someone who doesn't respect the relationship instead of breaking up?" 2
katiegrl Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Why? What's the point? He will only deny once again, plus it just keeps the drama alive. If you want to end it, which I hope you do for real, just tell him sorry this isn't working for ya anymore and you are moving on. Wish him well, be safe, and goodbye. He's not stupid, he knows why you're ending it. No need to explain it to him.... AGAIN. After you say goodbye, you BLOCK. Don't allow him any access to you ... he will only attempt to manipulate, and/or sweet talk his way back in. Be strong ... assertive. Trust me if you can do this your level of self-esteem and self-respect will skyrocket! Which is very much needed IMO. 2
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