miss-alex Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 I feel beyond helpless at this point. My best male friend is going through probably the most painful heartbreak and I am supposed to be his shoulder to cry on, but I don't really know how to console him. I've never seen a man so broken, he even cried...and I didn't know what to say, except "you missed your chance." There was a girl he met 5 yrs ago in high school. He says that even then he knew she was the girl to marry. He's a rare gentlemanly type, and she was the perfect young lady. But he waited to tell her about his feelings. First he waited because he was focused on getting to uni; then he was too busy with school and couldn't focus on a relationship as much as she would deserve. Then he waited because he would hold her back in her ambitions. He doubted that he'd be good enough for her. But they occassionaly met during summers, as good friends. Spent 5 hours a day talking, drinking wine, discussing books, philosophy, music. In grad school, they lived in different states, so again he waited. And waited...and now we're here. After 5 years of looking up to this girl and saving her for when HE was ready for a serious commitment, he moved to the same city where she lives. They agreed to meet, she seemed delighted to see him. He was going to ask her out on a proper date. Except that she introduced herself with her married surname and was sporting a 7-months pregnant belly. She met someone in grad school and got married last year. And when he confessed, she told him that she loved him all those years, until she met her husband. She didn't realize that he liked her and thought that if he did, he'd tell. He didn't say anything for 5 years, so she gave up on him, because she is no consolation prize for someone who put her on hold and thought she wouldn't go on in her life. (And I agree with her, unfortunately.) I don't know what to tell my friend. It was his fault and hers too, that they didn't get together. Yes, she could've been his wife and could've now carried his baby, but it wasn't meant to be...but I cannot let him suffer so much. Is there a way to help him?
266696687 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 (edited) I feel beyond helpless at this point. My best male friend is going through probably the most painful heartbreak and I am supposed to be his shoulder to cry on, but I don't really know how to console him. I've never seen a man so broken, he even cried...and I didn't know what to say, except "you missed your chance." There was a girl he met 5 yrs ago in high school. He says that even then he knew she was the girl to marry. He's a rare gentlemanly type, and she was the perfect young lady. But he waited to tell her about his feelings. First he waited because he was focused on getting to uni; then he was too busy with school and couldn't focus on a relationship as much as she would deserve. Then he waited because he would hold her back in her ambitions. He doubted that he'd be good enough for her. But they occassionaly met during summers, as good friends. Spent 5 hours a day talking, drinking wine, discussing books, philosophy, music. In grad school, they lived in different states, so again he waited. And waited...and now we're here. After 5 years of looking up to this girl and saving her for when HE was ready for a serious commitment, he moved to the same city where she lives. They agreed to meet, she seemed delighted to see him. He was going to ask her out on a proper date. Except that she introduced herself with her married surname and was sporting a 7-months pregnant belly. She met someone in grad school and got married last year. And when he confessed, she told him that she loved him all those years, until she met her husband. She didn't realize that he liked her and thought that if he did, he'd tell. He didn't say anything for 5 years, so she gave up on him, because she is no consolation prize for someone who put her on hold and thought she wouldn't go on in her life. (And I agree with her, unfortunately.) I don't know what to tell my friend. It was his fault and hers too, that they didn't get together. Yes, she could've been his wife and could've now carried his baby, but it wasn't meant to be...but I cannot let him suffer so much. Is there a way to help him? Not really as sad as the story is I don't really have much sympathy for him. He choose to wait and wait and wait. There's too many excuses in his story. If he had really wanted her he would have taken a chance earlier than 5 years later. If he had really and truly believed she was the girl for him he would have pursued her. Nothing would have stopped him. She clearly thought he wasn't interested in her so she moved on and rightly so. She isn't going to sit around waiting on a guy who never made a move. He is only upset because she moved on. He never had her to begin with. Never told her how he felt. Never tried to date her. If she had still been single who's to say he wouldn't have made another excuse not to pursue her? He could have left her waiting forever. She made the right decision to move on. He missed his chance. Hopefully this will serve as a lesson to him. He should go after what he wants and not let fear or excuses stand in his way. Also he probably shouldn't have confessed his feelings to a pregnant married woman! What on earth was he hoping to achieve by doing so? He should have more respect for her marriage and kept his unrequited feelings to himself upon realising she'd moved on. Telling her was selfish on his part. Especially if he knew she might have felt the same way. By telling her he is stirring up old emotions and feelings in a pregnant newly married woman. I would bet he knew all those years that she felt the same way but left her on the back burner for when he thought he was ready but is now sorely disappointed she wasn't waiting around for him. He obviously believed she was an 'option' for him anytime he wanted. Life doesn't work that way. To tell him tough luck learn a lesson and move on. Edited April 17, 2016 by 266696687 1
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 You are just going to have listen & possibly try to distract him. Emphasize the fact that if she really was "the one" he would not have hesitated to date her over all those years. Because the time was never right his subconscious knew she was never right. I find it impossible be believe that when they spent 5 hour sessions drinking wine that nothing happened if he wanted it to. If this has been the love of his life, something would have happened. But you are right -- he blew his chance. Never tell him that. Do encourage him not to wait next time he meets a woman. 1
elaine567 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 "He who hesitates is lost." "Time and tide wait for no man" "Strike while the iron is hot" "Postponement is the father of failure." They do not make up these sayings for no good reason. 1
Honourably honest Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Just be there for him, and listen to the ideas and thoughts he throws at you. Are you convinced they can't fix it?
Author miss-alex Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 Just be there for him, and listen to the ideas and thoughts he throws at you. Are you convinced they can't fix it? His situation is definitely unfixable. "The love of his life" (as he calls her) is now newly married, 7 months pregnant and probably also pissed at him (and herself) for not making a move in the last 5 yrs. I told him that he'll definitely find someone like her...but he says there's no one like her, she is special, etc. So I don't know...he will just have to compare other women to her for the rest of his life and imagine her when making love to other women. That's how his situation looks like right now.
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 This is the acute stage. He just found out & hasn't had time to process. Nothing you can say right now will sink in. Mere words won't make him feel better. Give him a few months.
Methodical Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Basically, he only knew her in a "friend" capacity and was infatuated with the type of woman he thought she was. Not saying she isn't that type of woman, but how would he know when he never asked her out or went on an actual date with her? He was in love with his perception of her. That ship has sailed and unless he wants life to pass him by, he needs to get onboard and move forward instead of looking back. Yes, you can be there as a sounding board, but if you want to help him, then make him see that pining for something that never was, nor will be, isn't healthy and so long as he chooses to spin his wheels, he'll remain in this same spot. He can't expect things to change by doing the same thing day in and day out.
Tayla Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Empathy, patience, and hearing him thru this. refrain from interjecting the negative and off the cuff remarks. it's truly uncalled for to pour salt on his wound by iterating he blew it. I think we each can reflect and see how we missed that golden opportunity. Retrospect is great at giving us resources for future times. 1
elaine567 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 He has to knock that girl off the pedestal he has put her on. She was not Miss Perfect and she was not the only girl for him. She is just another girl and the sooner he embraces that fact the better. Has he ever dated anyone, or were all his eggs in that basket?
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