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Can you use someone if you're totally honest with them? Indecisive gf issue

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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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Background

 

She's been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, her ex of 2 years broke up with her unexpectedly in October and it hit her hard, she's totally not over that, also she's having a really really though time in her new job etc...

 

Basically we met on tinder she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, she just wanted to go on some fun dates to help her get over her ex, but then we got on so well that we kind of just fell into this.

 

My stance is basically, 'I really like you and I really like seeing you lets just keep on doing what we're doing, if you want me to I can support you and help you with your problems and lets just see where it goes'.

 

So its been three months, we get on like a house on fire (literally better than most of my best friends), we've met each others friends and families and they both really like both of us, everyone says we're a great couple, we're completely exclusive...but...she doesn't want us calling each other bf/gf and is being indecisive about whether we should be official (yes...I know...she massively cares too much about labels).

 

Last night

 

So she came round to mine, we'd had a really nice night cooking and watching a movie, she was lying on my bed, I lent over to kiss her and put my hand on her navel and she told me to stop.

 

Then she started crying and told me she was an emotional wreck and she felt like damaged goods and she couldn't deal with anything in her life and she hated that she was being so indecisive about me. I told her all the stuff about how great she was and how much I liked her, then she said that she felt like she was just using me, I told her that as long as we were being honest with each other then no one was using anyone, she said she was being completely honest, and she did really like me and that she loved spending time with me etc but she felt like the more time we spent together the more she would hurt me....

 

Then she said that she did have some concerns about our relationship, which basically came down to some insecurities she has about some sex things (which are easily fixable) and 'I wish you'd grab me more and put your arm around me more in public'....something I tend not to do because she's being so indecisive....so that can change. I told her that I probably over think things like that because I really like her and I don't want to mess it up and I know she wants to go slowly... but as long as she tells me these things its ok.

 

Then she said thank you for being so understanding and that I had said exactly the right things then we had a really nice kiss. Then she went home. Then she texted me saying thank you for being so lovely and understanding. She just texted me this morning, saying she hoped I had a nice day (I'm meeting up with some old friends).

 

Now

 

I'm just really really confused as to what just happened either:

 

1) She wants to break up with me, but sort of chickened out

 

or

 

2) She had a mini meltdown voiced some concerns about how our relationship isn't perfect, I comforted her, and now we're all good

 

She's coming round to mine to collect a bike of hers I've been borrowing on Tuesday....I'm really worried she's going to break up with me.

 

I just don't know what to do, I really don't think she's using me, I think she feels like that because she's not willing to commit fully to something more long term, but I'm ok with that, I just like it how it is! I don't think I'm being an idiot here, I could see myself being with her long term, but obviously she has some stuff she needs to deal with, I'm happy to stick around while that happens, when she's dealt with all this stuff she can hopefully be in a position to be more decisive about what she wants, and I'm totally willing to wait around for that. Does this sound like a stupid thing to do? Am I letting her use me? Fact is, even if I knew she was 100% going to dump me in 3 months I'd still keep seeing her because I like spending time (and having sex) with her so much!

Edited by takenawayfrom
bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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I don't think you're being stupid. Even though she seems to be in a place where she can't really appreciate you, that could very well change over time. Women tend to fall in love when they know in their heart that the man truly loves her. Don't be a push-over with her, but it would probably be a good idea to treat her as you would if she were your gf. Holding back from showing your feelings is likely to backfire on you.

 

She'll most likely start to think of you as her bf and eventually let go of the past relationship. However it may take a break-up for her to realize this. There's a such thing as conscious loving, and loving someone but not being aware of it. The latter is probably where she's at right now. Try to keep the break-up from happening for as long as possible - like you did last night - but don't try to control her if she's determined to leave. Just let her go and just distance yourself during that time. She'll come to respect you for that. And then she'll probably come back.

 

The two of you got together too soon after her break-up and relationships like this are hard to maintain. As long as the two of you are honest with each other about it, you have a shot at staying together. She's gun-shy right now and needs to know that you aren't going to hurt her like the other guy did. This isn't something you can convince her of with words, you have to show it by your actions. Overall I think you're doing fine and she's going to figure out that she doesn't want to lose you.

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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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Thanks, yes I mean thinking about it more I don't think she was planning on breaking up with me, she basically started the conversation by saying she didn't want to have sex because she was feeling like crap...and then went into the reasons why she felt like crap and one of these was that she didn't understand why she was feeling so indecisive about me. She obviously wasn't convinced she was going to break up with me then, and based on what she said she liked the way I reacted and comforted her. So I think I'm ok, for now.

 

I said to her that if we have any problems with each other or our relationship we have to talk about them and try to fix them and if we can't fix them, then that's one thing, but if we don't even talk about them then I think we have a problem. She really agreed with me on this so hopefully she doesn't change her mind and is willing to give us a chance. To be honest, if she's not willing to see if we can fix these little things then we'd just be storing up problems for the future anyway.

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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Really, there's no telling what's going on in her head because, emotionally, she's probably all over the map. Your best bet is to just be yourself, treat her like a gf, and let her go if that's what she wants. If she becomes distant and starts to avoid you, then talk to her about it. Don't let her start treating you badly.

 

It sounds like the two of you have a good thing going and she probably knows how lucky she is to have you during this difficult time. But her past is going to take some time to sort through. As long as you're aware of that and as long as the two of you keep the lines of communication open, you should be fine. Try not to get annoyed with her and think there's a timeline on this. There probably is one but you can't put your timeline on her. If she senses that you're getting annoyed, she'll stop talking to you about it. It's a fine line to walk but you can do it and it'll probably be worth it in the end.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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If she were the guy and you were the girl, this situation would be very grim. However, women tend to fall in love when a man shows them consistent kindness, warmth and respect. I think you just need to be patient and try to resist playing any power games. Be consistent in your expression of feelings even if she can't reciprocate (for now). You will probably end up married :)

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Under the circumstances you describe nobody is using anybody.

 

 

I think what's confusing her is she set out to have something casual but now she finds herself falling for you. Her wanting more PDA is an indication that she is getting connected to you & this is getting more serious for her but she's fighting it. She also doesn't know where you stand & if you would be OK having an actual relationship with her.

 

 

Keep talking. You should be able to work through this to get to a place where you are both happy.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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My hairs would raise up on the back of my neck if someone said to me that they were afraid of ending up hurting me. Why, unless they were still sniffing in behind their ex and trying to make that work behind my back while all the time telling me they want to be with me, but want to go slow. No, she's doing something behind your back that is indicting her when she's next to you and you're being wonderful and lovely.

 

So, yeah, in that sense, if she's doing that, then she's using you and playing you.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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It sounds like she's not totally convinced she's in love with you or whatever. Maybe it's to do with attraction or maybe it's not. She does sound like she's riding the fence and really can't decide if she's in or out, though. If she likes more attention, I'd give it. If she might benefit from just a little space, I'd give her a little space.

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takenawayfrom Member

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My hairs would raise up on the back of my neck if someone said to me that they were afraid of ending up hurting me. Why, unless they were still sniffing in behind their ex and trying to make that work behind my back while all the time telling me they want to be with me, but want to go slow. No, she's doing something behind your back that is indicting her when she's next to you and you're being wonderful and lovely.

 

So, yeah, in that sense, if she's doing that, then she's using you and playing you.

Yeah I know what it sounds like, and I had the same initial reaction, but I genuinely do not think she has the slightest interest in getting back with her ex. He totally screwed her over and really did use her horribly for a really long time (something she only realised when they broke up). She said she is struggling because she wants to hate him but feels that that won't help her come to terms with what happened and she still believes he isn't completely a bad person but she really hates what he did to her. All her friends and family full on hate him. She has told me some details but I told her that I didn't really want to know all the details unless she really wanted to tell me.

 

So yeah, she's not going to get back with her ex.

Edited by takenawayfrom
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takenawayfrom Member

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Under the circumstances you describe nobody is using anybody.

 

 

I think what's confusing her is she set out to have something casual but now she finds herself falling for you. Her wanting more PDA is an indication that she is getting connected to you & this is getting more serious for her but she's fighting it. She also doesn't know where you stand & if you would be OK having an actual relationship with her.

 

 

Keep talking. You should be able to work through this to get to a place where you are both happy.

I'm pretty sure she knows I want to have an actual relationship with her. Hence all the 'I don't want to hurt you' comments.

 

But yeah, I think this is probably a bit true, either that or she's not as attracted to me as she initially thought she was.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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OP, you sound like a great guy, understanding, patient, etc

 

Unfortunately though these qualities are not serving you well in *this* situation.

 

The problem with dating women who were abused by their ex's or otherwise had a highly-charged, dysfunctionsl relation filled with drama ..... is, although intellectually they know it is wrong to still have feelings, they become sort of addicted to all that drama and emotion .... and when a nice patient understanding guy likes you comes along, it just feels, well, kinda meh in comparison.

 

It is not her fault, but I think that is what is happening.

 

She wants to like you and feel that high attraction, but again because she has become addicted to the all the drama her previous relationship provided, no matter how hard she might want it, it's just not there with you and she's left feeling meh.

 

You can hang in there continue being patient, understanding, whatevs, but honestly IMO I think you're wasting your time.

 

She knows she is not feeling it which is why she said all the things she said. Using you, afriad she might hurt you, etc.

 

Listen and hear those things, don't spin her words to mean what you want them to mean.

 

Don't try to *save* her, it won't work, and may even eventually push her further away.

 

Up to you.

Edited by katiegrl
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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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OP, you sound like a great guy, understanding, patient, etc

 

Unfortunately though these qualities are not serving you well in *this* situation.

 

The problem with dating women who were abused by their ex's or otherwise had a highly-charged, dysfunctionsl relation filled with drama ..... is, although intellectually they know it is wrong to still have feelings, they become sort of addicted to all that drama and emotion .... and when a nice patient understanding guy likes you comes along, it just feels, well, kinda meh in comparison.

 

It is not her fault, but I think that is what is happening.

 

She wants to like you and feel that high attraction, but again because she has become addicted to the all the drama her previous relationship provided, no matter how hard she might want it, it's just not there with you and she's left feeling meh.

 

You can hang in there continue being patient, understanding, whatevs, but honestly IMO I think you're wasting your time.

 

She knows she is not feeling it which is why she said all the things she said. Using you, afriad she might hurt you, etc.

 

Listen and hear those things, don't spin her words to mean what you want them to mean.

 

Don't try to *save* her, it won't work, and may even eventually push her further away.

 

Up to you.

I hear you but I guess firstly her past relationships haven't been abusive, its more that her last boyfriend didn't really give a **** about her and lied about what he wanted out of their relationship. I guess that could be considered emotional abuse, but it wasn't a crazy guns blazing abusive relationship if you know what I mean.

 

Secondly you may well be right, about the 'using me' thing, 50% of me thinks this is the case, however also, I think that the other possibility (and this is what my friends think based on them seeing the way she acts around me) is that she does like me but because she feels uncomfortable referring to me as her boyfriend she 'feels' like she is using me because of this, although she knows she isn't.

 

I don't know, she started texting me this afternoon and I asked her to call because she wanted to know all about my day and I couldn't be arsed with all the typing, she called and we chatted for a little bit and she seemed completely back to normal, which I guess is a good sign. I've been pretty cut up about this today so I'm not sure what to think, just going to see what happens on Tuesday I guess.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Okay, but even if it wasn't technically abusive in the typical sense, if her feelings were off balance much of the time and the relationship was sort of an emotional roller coaster for her, a relationship with a nice caring understanding guy is still gonna feel a bit meh in comparison.

 

I have just seen this happen so many times where a woman wants to be attracted to that nice guy, but ends up falling for another guy who keeps her guessing, off balance and riding that emotional roller coaster.

 

It is a very different pattern to break for some women.

 

I do hope in her case, this is NOT what is happening... and that your friends are right!

 

They could very well be ... they know her and have seen you together I haven't.

 

But you know her too, so I say follow your gut. Pay attention to actions and do your best to make sure she is not just going through the motions.

 

Just see how it plays out .... I truly hope it all works out well for you in the end.

 

Keep us posted and best of luck!

Edited by katiegrl
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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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Okay, but even if it wasn't technically abusive in the typical sense, if her feelings were off balance much of the time and the relationship was sort of an emotional roller coaster for her, a relationship with a nice caring understanding guy is still gonna feel a bit meh in comparison.

 

I have just seen this happen so many times where a woman wants to be attracted to that nice guy, but ends up falling for another guy who keeps her guessing, off balance and riding that emotional roller coaster.

 

It is a very different pattern to break for some women.

 

I do hope in her case, this is NOT what is happening... and that your friends are right!

 

They could very well be ... they know her and have seen you together I haven't.

 

But you know her too, so I say follow your gut. Pay attention to actions and do your best to make sure she is not just going through the motions.

 

Just see how it plays out .... I truly hope it all works out well for you in the end.

 

Keep us posted and best of luck!

Thanks, yeah, I mean, I totally get where you're coming from, its also one of my concerns (my biggest weakness in relationships is that I worry way too much about this kind of stuff). I don't know what my gut is telling me to be honest, last night seemed so out of the blue based on how our relationship had been going. Two days before that she suggested we go away for a weekend together in a couple of weeks...it was completely her idea.

 

Just going to have to wait and see I think.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Thanks, yeah, I mean, I totally get where you're coming from, its also one of my concerns (my biggest weakness in relationships is that I worry way too much about this kind of stuff). I don't know what my gut is telling me to be honest, last night seemed so out of the blue based on how our relationship had been going. Two days before that she suggested we go away for a weekend together in a couple of weeks...it was completely her idea.

 

Just going to have to wait and see I think.

 

Yeah that's best, but just out of curiosity, what's her deal with not wanting to call you her boyfriend?

 

Seems a bit silly to me, and over-dramatic, I mean it's not like you proposed marriage for heaven's sake.

 

But whatevs, yeah continue on and see how it plays out.

 

Fingers crossed. :)

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Oh I just re-read your opening post again, she fully admits she is NOT over her ex yet?

 

Another hurdle for you to overcome.

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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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Yeah that's best, but just out of curiosity, what's her deal with not wanting to call you her boyfriend?

 

Seems a bit silly to me, and over-dramatic, I mean it's not like you proposed marriage for heaven's sake.

 

But whatevs, yeah continue on and see how it plays out.

 

Fingers crossed. :)

Honestly, I really have no idea. I haven't wanted to ask her too much, because it doesn't really bother me and if she's not comfortable saying it then so be it. But I mean, she stayed at my parents house for easter....and she drove there 2 hours each way...by herself, because she wanted to, I suggested it as it came up in conversation but she could have very easily said no. There's so much stuff like this that she has voluntarily done that implies she's serious, yet for some reason the label scares her. Thing is she's not dramatic at all, she's super chilled out, very very easy going...I don't understand. I'm not going to try to understand, I don't want to make it an issue when it isn't.

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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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Oh I just re-read your opening post again, she fully admits she is NOT over her ex yet?

 

Another hurdle for you to overcome.

She's over him romantically, but she told me that she still felt hurt by him from their break up and I think she's still angry at him.

 

Personally I appreciate the honesty, I do think we met too soon after her break up with him, and its a shame, because maybe if we met in 6 months time we could have just not had to go through all this. But I think that us both being honest about everything will give us the best chance of making it through this and if we do then we could have something really good, I mean its really good at the moment, its probably the best relationship I've ever been in to be honest, its just that it has this in the background and last night it clearly got a bit much for her.

dumbass2 Established Member

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That's a tough situation meeting someone you really like not long after they broke up with their boyfriend. She has history with him. She's not over him yet and he's probably still in the picture a bit. Usually after a break up, there is still contact for a while after. If you notice a lot of phone calls and her ignoring them, then that will be one sign her ex is still in contact. You can't be with her 100% of the time. When I met my ex, she lied and told me that it had been about a year and come to find out much later it was about a month. They were still in contact. He wanted her back really bad. She would not completely tell him off because they did have a 3 year history together. she ended up breaking up with me after 7 months. After she got back in contact 4 months later, she did tell me that she wish she hadn't had so much going on at that time. unfortunately, there is usually no resetting of the clock. I wish I had met her at a later time. She never did get back with him. Keep your eyes wide open and don't just don't put up with crap and don't be tolerant if her ex is still around. I tried to be understanding, but too much so and it doesn't help.

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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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That's a tough situation meeting someone you really like not long after they broke up with their boyfriend. She has history with him. She's not over him yet and he's probably still in the picture a bit. Usually after a break up, there is still contact for a while after. If you notice a lot of phone calls and her ignoring them, then that will be one sign her ex is still in contact. You can't be with her 100% of the time. When I met my ex, she lied and told me that it had been about a year and come to find out much later it was about a month. They were still in contact. He wanted her back really bad. She would not completely tell him off because they did have a 3 year history together. she ended up breaking up with me after 7 months. After she got back in contact 4 months later, she did tell me that she wish she hadn't had so much going on at that time. unfortunately, there is usually no resetting of the clock. I wish I had met her at a later time. She never did get back with him. Keep your eyes wide open and don't just don't put up with crap and don't be tolerant if her ex is still around. I tried to be understanding, but too much so and it doesn't help.

I really don't think she's still in contact with her ex, he might try to make contact with her from time to time (I don't think he does though), but she doesn't want to see him, also, I honestly think her friends would tell me if she started seeing him again, because they all hate him and they really like me! She's told me that one of the things she's most grateful of is that he lives about an hour away and their lives don't really cross at all. Hopefully that was the truth, but yeah, I know what you mean, I know from personal experience what these things can be like.

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takenawayfrom Member

takenawayfrom

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So she broke up with me.

 

Apparently, "objectively when you look at our relationship there was nothing wrong with any of it and I've had so much fun with you and you're such a great person and you have so much to offer someone, but I just don't feel as strongly about you now as I think I should and I don't think its fair to keep seeing you when I don't feel it will go any further"

 

We spoke for about 20 minutes and I basically repeated everything I'd already said. I asked her "do you really think you'll be happier if you never see me again?...because I have no interest in being friends"...she just said that she didn't expect us to be friends. She looked so upset the whole time she was doing it, I almost felt like I wanted to comfort her, of course I didn't though...I guess I'm just really upset that we didn't work out, because we all the makings of a really fun relationship.

 

Honestly I'm absolutely gutted, I'd convinced myself she wouldn't do it, but from the moment I kissed her hello I knew. She saw herself out and took all her stuff but still have a DVD of hers that she forgot she left here, not sure how to go about giving it back, or whether to even bother. I guess I can get a friend to take it round to her house and put it in the letterbox.

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