flyer6 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 Hey all! This is a long one, but hopefully its an entertaining read. I’ve been a silent reader here for a while now. Came across this webpage like many others after a very bad breakup. I’ve used this forum many a time as a sort of nicotine patch to prevent me from breaking no contact in moments of weakness (and there have been many). So here I am just over 8 months post break (dumpee), and It’s been a slow, slow heal, but at this point things have taken a turn for the ridiculous, so I thought I’d finally post. I was 29, and her 27 when we met. We met online and dated 5 months before we became official. We slowly built a relationship based on physical attraction, sex and common interests, that morphed into a really strong friendship, and a very tender loving yet strongly sexual relationship. Our first date we took a yoga class together (this will come into play later). I’d say in general she became super infatuated with me rather quickly, and my feelings grew very slowly. I was initially struck by her looks, she’s definitely one of the most physically beautiful people I’ve ever come across in my life. I hate the idea of “rating” someone but for the sake of the story she’s what you call a 10. Which was a great ego stroke for me at first, but I think that created problems once things grew deeper. I was never jealous or even worried about her being unfaithful or the bombardment of attention she got because she seemed so into me (even suspiciously so) but I found there were constant orbiters around her, often very very rich, powerful, or celebrity men. Along with a strong stream of online admirers because of the pictures she posts online. That aside, we had a really good thing going, and it all seemed healthy, loving supportive and just tons of fun. I might dare to say it was almost too easy of a relationship, that it may have lacked a bit of fire, because both of us were so easy going and liked doing most of the same things, there weren’t really any fights, and our honeymoon stage lasted well over a year. We were both independent, and weren’t attached at the hip in what I’d consider to be an unhealthy way. Once the relationship started to get more emotionally real both of us definitely had a tendency to sweep things under the rug, so real the intimacy came slow, and eventually I found myself frustrated at her emotion walls (which never really got addressed). I’m a very guarded person myself, so it took me a long time but when I fell, I fell f$%ing hard. It took me about a year to say I love you, and after that things very slowly started to deteriorate, and her passive aggressive side started to come out. At some point last spring she almost split up with me because I cracked a joke about her becoming rich someday and I could be her poolboy / around the same time I let her pay for a few meals in a row (after we had been dating for over a year), because i found out she was making significantly more money than I was at the time, and I was tight on money at the time and saving to put out a record soon. That was sort of the beginning of the end, for two reasons. 1. In my mind if someones first inclination is to bail without even a conversation, then what chance do you have, 2. It took me almost 20 minutes to get an answer out of her, as to why she wanted space. It was like what she wanted to say about her feelings was buried so far inside she couldn’t figure out how to articulate it other than erupting emotional bursts of short phrases out, like “I…. need security!” "We talked it out" and 20 minutes later she was saying she loved me again and everything was fine and dandy, like she just flipped the switch back on. My gut was telling me something was seriously off, but I stuck around anyway (blinded by love), and things seemed to repair themselves (which I find is not really true). The push, pull from her end started and intensified, hot cold, occasional silent treatments when I did something to piss her off, getting really upset with me over small things like when I brought the wrong wine to eat with the dinner she made. Snapping at me while hugging onto my side at the same time. I just didn’t know what to make of it. Her sweet side still very much present the whole time, that I stayed in denial as things progressively got weirder. Eventually I felt what was coming, and she came by to pick up the rest of her stuff that was at my house. Despite all the mixed signals like only 2 days after posting pictures of us online together, she broke up with me (last August). Said she only saw me as a “friend”. She told me part of her would always love me, this was so hard for her, but her next relationship was “going to be serious” (that seemed weird and insulting to our relationship) That she was doing this because she wanted whats best for me, it wasn’t because of anything I did, its just that her needs had changed. Later she said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me, and we begun a 2 month nightmare (which happened before I came across this website, and didn’t yet understand no contact). After enduring those two months of still spending lots of time together, the hot / cold, moving from hope, happiness to heartbreak on a weekly, even daily basis, I truly understand the value of going no contact immediately after a break. A really ridiculous serious of events came about a month after we split up. Someone gave me a pair of tickets to a Gypsy kings show, and I invited her. I was surprised she said yes, so I decided it was my opportunity to make a move and try and draw some romance back into this relationship. I went over to her house with the full set up to make martinis (her favorite drink), they were pretty amazing (If I do say so myself). We went to the show, had a fricken blast, made fun of all the hilarious audience there, and then for the encore, in the middle of the crowd we kissed the entire time (first time since the split). Honestly, felt like out of a movie, it was one of the most romantic moments of my life. The Next day we spent the whole day together, it was pretty wonderful minus a moment or two when I felt her being distant again. At the end of the nigh she didn’t want me sleeping over but was inviting me to hang out the next day. The next day a work thing of hers came up, or so she said and she canceled… A few days passed and my gut was telling me that she was going cold. I sent her a short text about how hot it was, no response, and an hour later I go to the grocery store, and….. there she is!!! What a bazaar moment to run into each other. She was acting weird (of course) but we agreed to go get coffee right after. I then get in line after her at the checkout stand, and her credit card doesn’t work. I paid for her groceries. It felt like some sign from god saying “I’m here for you” I walked her to her car, and she was saying “this is crazy”, “i was shrugging my shoulders saying “I’m not going to say anything, buuuuuut”. I couldn’t beleive the universe handed me that on a silver platter. Well apparently that wasn’t a sign for her, because later that night she said she needed space again but would miss me. We cycled again after that a few weeks later, I couldn’t take it anymore and I finally went no contact for a month. I eventually found out last November (the last time we talked) that she had met someone else. Some guy she now had "feelings" for, and they had met 2 weeks after we broke up. I remember the tone of her voice, and I knew that tone, she must have been lying. She used that same tone to excuse her giving her number to some guy in front me “he’s just a script writer” a few weeks before we split up. She was saying crazy stuff like “I didn’t give her the spot in the shade when we were eating and thats when she knew I wasn’t the one”, and i’m the pale skinned one here who always gets burned! She said in a perfect world we could be friends , and I said I couldn’t do that and she started crying. Thus begun about 5 months of no contact. After I saw her on a dating website 2 weeks later. Guess her new guy wasn’t so great after all. Last 5 months I’ve been going to therapy, worked on myself, been healthy, just have taken it easy, and tried to dig myself out of the emotional hole I was in. So now to my current ridiculous situation. After the split I kept going to the yoga studio that we used to go to together (the one of our first date). On the day of the split she moved (coincidentally) to my neighborhood, and didn’t want to make the drive there anymore. So it became my spot. A spot I could heal, a spot I didn’t have to worry about running into her. Its a really special place to me, and theres no other place in town that comes close. Last week I just felt like I was going to run into her, and felt an energy shift. My gut, whatever it was I don’t know. A few days later to my surprise I see her car parked by the studio! She’s back?! I figure, no she must just be in the neighborhood one time, not to worry! Then the next day, i’m taking of my shoes in the staircase hallway and i look up and she’s right in front of me, I literally said “oh S@#t” out loud, and quickly walked right by her, haha. Honestly I was really surprised. I figure out she’s doing the teacher training there and going to be spending a lot of time there the next few months. Now I go almost every day, so in the last week I’ve run into her twice, and almost run into 2-3 other times. The second time she slipped by me out of of nowhere and tried to hide her face. I saw her face I felt shame from her. Or at least thats what I sensed it to be. I’m not willing to give this studio up, so I’m now stuck in this weird game of chicken where I’m in close proximity to her a number of times a week, waiting to see who breaks the speech burier first. I guess this is what working with an ex must be like? I feel like a drug addict thats having said drug waved in his face, its both what I want and the last thing I want at the same time! Either way, despite all my progress I’m not totally healed yet, far from it. I still dream and think of reconciliation often, at least emotionally, even though I know logically I need someone who is more mature emotionally, someone who wouldn’t endlessly frustrate me and walk out on me for a bunch of cop out reasons. I don’t intend to engage her at all, I figure I’ll say hi at some point, thats it, but theres nothing I can or should do (even if the urge is there). I know if I put myself out there on any level or in any capacity I’ll just get hurt again. I figure I have to assume she decided to come back knowing I’d be there because she just doesn’t care at all and was being reckless. For that look of shame she had was not a look of indifference, and that surprised me. I can’t imagine thats comfortable for her either to be somewhere everyday where you have to hide from someone. I’m not dwelling on why should would think that was a good decision to show back up there, but it is at least entertaining to speculate. Thoughts? If anyone has any advice on what they would do here that would be awesome (like I said I’m not giving this place up) or if you just want to tell me I’m making way to of a big deal of this and you’re pissed you read half a book to get here, thats okay too, haha. What a strange place to be in, or maybe I’m just making way to big of a deal out of all of this. Ahh the feels!
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 17, 2016 Posted April 17, 2016 THis sounds like some story out of a teen romance magazine. I really didn't expect to see those ages.... You're both adults. She's your ex. You tried, on/off, and it went downhill every time. You had some romantic ideal of trying to re-kindle something she obviously found flattering, but insufficiently enticing, attractive or rewarding to cement a relationship for good. You paid her attention. She liked it. But had no intention of making it permanent. If anyone had delusions of how this could go, it was you. You clearly were the pursuer. She played along, half-heartedly. What girl wouldn't, if a guy is going to shower her with loving attention?? It's finished. If you insist on attending the same studio, get used to the fact that you're going to be running into one another. You're right. It's ridiculous. But it's ridiculous that an adult still lets this kind of thing have such a seemingly overwhelming effect on them. You're both apparently mature adults. Quit with the melodramatic games and just suck it up. Get over it, for goodness' sake. Move on, let it go, and rise above it, ok?
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