Breakup over Assurance and Tips to LS

[lalalandman]

Hello--My now ex and I dated for 3.5 years, lived together for 2.5 years. We met in LA. At the time she was back in school and transitioning between careers - lawyer to teacher. She landed a great job in LA that she adored, but towards end of school year started to complain that she didn't like the city anymore. Last year, I convinced her to move to SF after the school year was over, and I would tag along eventually. She secured a job in SF and left in July 2015. My job was very slow in getting me transferred up north. I would travel to visit her about every 4-6 weeks. This February, my firm decided to let me go amicably, as I believe they caught wind that I would be leaving this April. I called her and said good news, good news. Good news, I've been let go (I didn't like the job anyways). Good news, I can move up sooner than later. She started to say that she didn't want to stay in SF because it is way too expensive and how she hates her new teacher job in SF. We start planning where to live. Eventually, I convince her to move to Hawaii. My mother lives there. She says she loves Hawaii (apparently natives think she is native) and that recruiters will be in LA during April to hire out-of-state teachers, and she will travel down for the meeting. So I put notice on my place in LA, start selling off everything, and pack up to move to SF, for at least a little bit. I wanted to close the gap finally.

 

The day before Valentines, I get an emotional call from her asking for "assurance". Thing is, we would have an argument every 6-8 months like clockwork over marriage, which she would instigate. This is one of the only issues we ever fought over. I very much dislike being pressured, and even though I wanted to be with her, I despised her for pressuring me over marriage. I had my own plan for a proposal to her. Many of her friends were marrying off and it just seemed like she didn't want to be the last one. Anyways, the call was quite emotional, and she said I shouldn't move to SF. She mentioned that she's been waiting and that she doesn't think it's ever going to happen. Sounded like a breakup call. I'm upset. I just lost my job, gave notice on my place, and I'm packing up to leave. Two days earlier she is telling me how excited she is to go to Hawaii. So I'm just livid. I tell her, listen, I'm moving to be with you. This was our plan. Actions speak louder than words, what do you want. She said if I wanted to move that I would have done it already. Ok? I also asked if there was someone else. She denies. Anyways, I said, this is your call, hang up when you are ready. I use the dreaded phrase, you're going to regret this. So she says goodbye.

 

I'm upset. I had some of her things I was planning on bringing to her in SF when I moved up. Instead, I packed them in a box and mailed it all to her. I ask some friends in LA if I could stay with them for a couple of months since I needed to be out in less than 2 weeks. I go zero contact with her. During the next 5 weeks, I'm going out, hanging with friends, doing my own thing. So, I calm down and decide to text her after 6 weeks. She responds right away, and we text for a couple days. Then I call her a couple times at night. No response, so I just assume she must be seeing someone. Insecurity, maybe, ok. I think she is lying. Next morning I get her on the phone. She says, you know I sleep early, and you called late, I was sleeping. Anyways, I told her I missed her, and still cared for her. Zero reply to that. I said I would be coming to SF in a couple weeks.

 

Next day I call, and get all the bad stuff nobody wants to hear. She says why are you calling? Do you need closure? You're a really great guy. I'm like, wtf. I said, so you want to lose my forever? She says, well later we can be friends. I respond, good luck with that. She also mentioned this has been on her mind for some time. She mentioned how she isn't appreciated. I end the call with the dreaded, well have a great life. I immediately send a call me back text. Nothing. Two days later I tell her I'm coming up to the city. She says she doesn't think we should see each other right now, and I say, that's fine. Two weeks later, I travel up again, and text her that I'm in the city, can she meet with me. I also call once. Nothing. That was last week.

 

One friend told me she thought I should have "put my pride aside" and travelled up the next day on valentine's with a ring. Some friends agree that my ex brought up the issue at the wrong time. Some people think there never really is a right time. I don't know. All-in-all, if she wanted it to work, she wouldn't have ignored me, especially when I travelled to talk with her in person. I believe she is feeling angry, that she has somehow wasted her time for over 3 years and no marriage. Not sure.

 

Tips to LSers:

 

1. If someone decides to leave, let them go. There is nothing you can do.

2. Stop reliving the past. Instead, try to learn from your mistakes.

3. Life tends to bring new opportunities to us, so don't go thinking all is lost.

4. Start being the best version of yourself if you haven't already.

Edited April 17, 2016 by lalalandman

[ExpatInItaly]

Your tips are good ones, OP.

 

It sounds like this relationship ran its course and that even if you had suddenly bought a ring, it was no longer what she wanted. And honestly, it wouldn't have been the right reason to propose. You didn't really want to anyway, if I'm understanding this correctly. Not at that time, anyway.

 

I also think you're probably right that she has someone else in her life now.

 

In any event, you guys sound like you're still relatively young and as you said, the world is full of opportunities. When one door closes, another one opens.

[lalalandman]

Thanks.

 

Correct, I was not ready to propose at that time. Obviously, we cannot expect patience from women forever, but considering her and I weren't even in the same city, and I was without a job, I just didn't feel it was the right time. Not to mention she was considering leaving a new city yet again.

 

She is actually 31, and would occasionally speak of her ticking biological clock, along with the demands of marriage. So I was given the proper signals, and can't blame her in that sense. I just didn't feel the stability was in tact for a marriage and kids, but the love was there. I would not be surprised at all to hear she is pregnant and/or engaged within a years time.

[Satu]

snip

*I despised her for pressuring me over marriage.

 

*Your use of the word, 'despised' was very surprising to me.

 

It's a very strong word.

 

 

Despise:

 

 

Verb (used with object), despised, despising.

 

"To regard with contempt, distaste, disgust, or disdain; scorn; loathe."

 

 

 

Is that really how you felt?

[lalalandman]

I can't exactly suggest a perfect word for my feelings, but I just know that it felt wrong whenever the issue was pressed. It felt forced. And every time it came up, the prospect of marriage backpedalled for me. I enjoyed buying her gifts and doing things for her on my own accord, because there was at least some degree of surprise.

 

She obviously wanted me. There is nothing wrong with a woman expressing strong emotions over something as important as marriage.

Edited April 17, 2016 by lalalandman

[Satu]

I can't exactly suggest a perfect word for my feelings, but I just know that it felt wrong whenever the issue was pressed. It felt forced. And every time it came up, the prospect of marriage backpedalled for me. I enjoyed buying her gifts and doing things for her on my own accord, because there was at least some degree of surprise.

 

She obviously wanted me. There is nothing wrong with a woman expressing strong emotions over something as important as marriage. Put simply, perhaps she was ready and I wasn't.

 

Thats all understandable, but the fact that you chose to use that word, rather than hundreds of others, is highly significant.

 

As a Jungian, on friendly terms with Freud, I think you might benefit from giving your usage of that word some thought. It might reveal something about the deeper processes in your psyche.

 

 

I wonder if she ever felt despised...

 

 

How is/was your relationship with your Mother?

[lalalandman]

Good relationship with my mother. I am actually booked for Hawaii in a couple weeks. She is having knee surgery mid-May. The doctor will not discharge her home unless she has a caregiver; otherwise she has to remain in a nursing home during healing. I agreed to go to Hawaii and nurse her at home. I believe the healing takes 2 months. I haven't decided where to go after.

[Satu]

Good relationship with my mother. I am actually booked for Hawaii in a couple weeks. She is having knee surgery mid-May. The doctor will not discharge her home unless she has a caregiver; otherwise she has to remain in a nursing home during healing. I agreed to go to Hawaii and nurse her at home. I believe the healing takes 2 months. I haven't decided where to go after.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

 

"A Freudian slip is a verbal or memory mistake that is believed to be linked to the unconscious mind. These slips supposedly reveal the real secret thoughts and feelings that people hold. Typical examples include an individual calling his or her spouse by an ex's name, saying the wrong word or even misinterpreting a written or spoken word."

 

 

Freudian Slips: Hints of the Unconscious

 

It was the famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud who described a variety of different types and examples of Freudian slips in his 1901 book The Psychopathology of Everyday Life."

 

Freudian Slip.

 

 

Why do you think that your subconscious mind decided to use that word?

[lalalandman]

Not sure. I'll zen on it for a while.

[lalalandman]

Wanted to post this because I have a history on LS and think this is relevant.

 

Didn't mention this previously, but not 3 days after the breakup in February, I received a text from a new number, just a 'hey'. I managed to find out it was the previous ex who brought me to LS in 2010. Toxic relationship that lasted 5 years. I left behind a melee of threads here on LS, which are embarrassing to read now. I revealed that I knew it was her, and it didn't really go anywhere. So a few days ago, I get a call from her, and she asks 'What is your perspective of me?'. In any case, it turns out she hasn't had a lasting relationship since we broke up, and has alienated herself from many friends, and family. I just sort of lectured her about nurturing relationships. I also gave her advice on a new interest of hers, and spoke about my breakup briefly. She told me that nobody has ever measured up to me, and that she is ready to change. She asked if we could meet for coffee when I return home. I was hesitant, but stressed that we would only be meeting as friends.

 

On an emotional level, I don't feel anything for her, so for me it's OK to meet. I don't know if it will actually happen, nor do I care. I just thought the timing was interesting.

Edited May 14, 2016 by lalalandman

[SixxChick]

I have had two exs contact me since my breakup. I was "the one that got away." Yeah, right. Anyway, since I felt that I didn't have anything to lose, I met up with each of them. One for dinner, and the other one for drinks. Honestly, the chemistry was just gone and nothing became of either relationship. For me, it gave me hope that one day too I will be over this recent breakup that is still devastating me. Soon (hopefully), he will be just a distant memory.

 

If you don't have feelings for this person who now wants back in your life, what do you have to lose just to meet up for dinner or a drink? For me, it didn't hurt to see my exs. It just confirmed what I already knew.

 

Good luck to you.

[lalalandman]

Thanks for your reply.

 

 

"A Freudian slip is a verbal or memory mistake that is believed to be linked to the unconscious mind. These slips supposedly reveal the real secret thoughts and feelings that people hold. Typical examples include an individual calling his or her spouse by an ex's name, saying the wrong word or even misinterpreting a written or spoken word."

 

 

Freudian Slips: Hints of the Unconscious

 

It was the famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud who described a variety of different types and examples of Freudian slips in his 1901 book The Psychopathology of Everyday Life."

 

Freudian Slip.

 

 

Why do you think that your subconscious mind decided to use that word?

 

I'm ready to answer this question now. The truth is, there is no deeper meaning to why I used this word. I sincerely felt this way. What was I supposed to do? Recite my exact plan for a marriage proposal when she asked for reassurance? Which yes, I did have one. Do you know how many broken promises exist in the world, past and present? I'm not that type of person. Things I've done for her and given her, has been based on some degree of surprise.

 

So, there was no Freudian Slip. I'm true to my feelings.

Edited May 15, 2016 by lalalandman

[basil67]

What was I supposed to do? Recite my exact plan for a marriage proposal when she asked for reassurance?

 

Yeah, pretty much this. She doesn't need to know exactly what you have planned, but it's not unreasonable for a woman to want to have some type of input into the timing and shaping of her life. At the age of 31 she doesn't have time to wait around for a guy who won't include her in discussions related to the planning of her life.

 

In this day and age where women are able to make decisions for themselves and their lives, the idea that only the man gets to decide on the timing of marriage is so patriarchal.

 

If you don't see yourself wanting marriage for say, five years, that's fine. It's your prerogative. However, I believe she does have a right to know whether or not your mutual ideas are in sync. If you can't have a basic conversation with her about timing of marriage and finding out if you're on the same page, it makes perfect sense to me that she'd let you go forever.

 

Edited to add: the fact that you'd despise her because she wants to have input and knowledge over planning of her life makes me think that she won't be sorry to have lost you.

Edited May 15, 2016 by basil67

[lalalandman]

Edited to add: the fact that you'd despise her because she wants to have input and knowledge over planning of her life makes me think that she won't be sorry to have lost you.

 

Go through LS and read about thousands of people who have been promised a future, including marriage and children, only to have been crushed by a breakup. Sorry but you're out of line.

[Itspointless]

In this day and age where women are able to make decisions for themselves and their lives, the idea that only the man gets to decide on the timing of marriage is so patriarchal.

If it is so patriarchal than why do women not propose themselves? Why hold on to apparently old and obsolete standards?

[lalalandman]

Truth be told, in retrospect, I probably could have done a better job at talking about our future. I wouldn't have necessarily needed to go into depth about my specific proposal plans, but I could have at least given some reassurance that it would eventually happen, or at the very least given reassurance that everything would be OK during that argument. I know at one point, I did mention marriage in our future, but it was a while ago. As I said before, actions do speak louder than words, but I think sometimes, words of affirmation really do help relationships survive.

 

I guess I got upset when she asked for reassurance because I felt she was establishing a precondition before I moved up north, which I suppose from her perspective, what's the point of me moving up if I can't even talk about it, and she doesn't believe it will happen. Not sure if it would have made a difference at that point anyways, but there's no point dwelling on what-ifs. For all I know, she could have just been looking for a reason to break up.

 

Anyways, it is what it is. I think after 3 months, for the most part, I've resolved my feelings. Thanks LS for listening and everyone's comments.

Edited May 15, 2016 by lalalandman

[basil67]

If it is so patriarchal than why do women not propose themselves? Why hold on to apparently old and obsolete standards?

 

Some women propose. When I was thinking about marriage, I said to my guy "hey, do you think we should get married?" and he said "oh yeah, ok".

 

As for why other women get all frustrated and "he won't propose to me" yet won't initiate a proposal themselves....I have no freaking idea why they won't propose.

[basil67]

Truth be told, in retrospect, I probably could have done a better job at talking about our future. I wouldn't have necessarily needed to go into depth about my specific proposal plans, but I could have at least given some reassurance that it would eventually happen, or at the very least given reassurance that everything would be OK during that argument. I know at one point, I did mention marriage in our future, but it was a while ago. As I said before, actions do speak louder than words, but I think sometimes, words of affirmation really do help relationships survive.

 

I guess I got upset when she asked for reassurance because I felt she was establishing a precondition before I moved up north, which I suppose from her perspective, what's the point of me moving up if I can't even talk about it, and she doesn't believe it will happen. Not sure if it would have made a difference at that point anyways, but there's no point dwelling on what-ifs. For all I know, she could have just been looking for a reason to break up.

 

Anyways, it is what it is. I think after 3 months, for the most part, I've resolved my feelings. Thanks LS for listening and everyone's comments.

 

Yep, this is pretty much what I was getting at. Glad you've made peace with it