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Should I agree the breakup and then No Contact rule?


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Posted

My husband just broke up with me a month ago after almost 9 years of married. We have 1 son 4 years old. He is 50's and I am almost 30. He broke up with me because I always bring the past back. I saw him kissing somebody else when he was drunk way back 2 years ago and also he thought I am using our son as a fuel for our arguments. That I am making our son to hate him.

It's been 2 weeks already after my last beg and plead.

Do You think I have any chance to win him back? I love him very much. He is my first boyfriend and my first love. I already apologize and admitted that I was wrong but he said I forgave You already but we cannot be together anymore. That we are not lovers anymore and we never will be again.

Should I just agree the breakup? And then do the NC? Or just continue the NC since it 's been 2 weeks already. We are LDR.

I hope there is anybody here who can give me some advices what to do.

Thank You very much...I would really appreciate for any replies.

  • Author
Posted

Yes. My visa was denied because of few reasons. So we decided to stay and live in Philippines but he is going to work in Canada for 6 to 7 months and he is home in Philippines for 4 to 5 months. He was home october till february this year. And when he broke up with me he is already in Canada for work.

Posted

If there's any chance for reconciliation, it would involve you changing your approach to this.

 

As he says you keep bringing up the past, I assume you've raised the issue of the kiss a number of times over the past 24 months. Did you apologise in the past for your behaviour and then repeat it? If so, it's highly likely that he's come to believe that you won't change.

 

Say he does you another chance. How do you propose changing and then making those changes stick? And what got him in the situation of kissing another woman in the first place and how has he made sure that he won't repeat the mistake?

 

What behaviour makes him think you're turning your son against him?

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hello Basil67

 

I just realized I am really the negative of our marriage. Maybe I am not normal. He is wonderful. He even stopped drinking just for me.

 

Should I write him and agree the breakup? Or just continue the NC?

 

But do You think in my case, there is any chance? Or should I just give up and move on?

 

Thank You very much...

Edited by carmzfilipina
Posted

From what I've read from you, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything that wrong here. Even if you bring up a past cheat of his, I don't know if that has enough merit for him to leave. Maybe you are better without him. Maybe you should be with someone who would not cheat on you or have drinking problems to fix or leave you without telling you where he was going.

 

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

  • Author
Posted
If there's any chance for reconciliation, it would involve you changing your approach to this.

 

As he says you keep bringing up the past, I assume you've raised the issue of the kiss a number of times over the past 24 months. Did you apologise in the past for your behaviour and then repeat it? If so, it's highly likely that he's come to believe that you won't change.

 

Say he does you another chance. How do you propose changing and then making those changes stick? And what got him in the situation of kissing another woman in the first place and how has he made sure that he won't repeat the mistake?

 

What behaviour makes him think you're turning your son against him?

I always been a good wife loyal and faithful. I never had any other men before him. And even until now only him. Even we have big ages gap, I fell in love with him. He was the sweetest man. So it was really hurting me so bad that he is kissing somebody else because he was drunk. He said I was drunk, that he didnt know what he is doing. But yet he said drunk man is an honest one. So to me, i think he likes that woman thats why he kissed her. Yes I apologized already for my behaviour.

But last time he was home, he said something which reminded me the past he had done. He even said I just want to have fun with somebody else in bed coz wife is always.

When he got upset at me for bringing the past again. He go somewhere and took the car without telling me where he go and when our son asked me "where is the car?" I told our son "Dad took it and did not tell me where he go". When he came back, our son told him, "You don't tell mom anymore where you go". So from that he thinks that I am using our son against him.

Posted
From what I've read from you, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything that wrong here. Even if you bring up a past cheat of his, I don't know if that has enough merit for him to leave. Maybe you are better without him. Maybe you should be with someone who would not cheat on you or have drinking problems to fix or leave you without telling you where he was going.

 

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

 

All of this.

 

He shouldn't have kissed anyone that wasn't you, OP. It doesn't matter if he was drunk.

 

I think you would be better off with someone who isn't inclined to cheat and doesn't have a drinking problem to begin with.

Posted

Because of the big age difference between the two of you, he knows how to manipulate you. Any decent man would do everything he could to convince you that he's sorry for what he did and that you can be assured that he won't do it again. But he not doing that and you continue to bring it up because you're angry about it and you're understandably still insecure about it.

 

What I'm trying to figure out is why you want to be with this jerk. My guess is, he didn't just kiss that girl - he probably had an affair with her and may still be doing that. Judging by his actions and the fact that he's not living near you, I think he's cheating on you. I know you don't want to hear or accept that but that's probably what's going on.

 

He fully expects you to chase after him and beg him to come back but that's really the worst thing you could do with a guy like this. But because the two of you have a child together, I don't see how NC is reasonable. Unless he plans to never see his son again, which would be astoundingly awful. Keep your conversations with him to being only about the kid. And stop trying to contact him.

 

I know you're hurting and that you love him but you love the wrong guy. He sounds manipulative and self-centered if you ask me. You may not see it now, but you're far better off without him and you should seriously reconsider why you're hanging onto a man who treats you so badly. And before you tell me that he does good things and you've had good times together, don't bother. So does everybody. This doesn't make him good husband material.

  • Like 1
Posted

The following is merely my opinion, with nothing to corroborate my opinion, other than your posts.

I think what is happening is this:

 

While he is away, there is ample opportunity for him to meet other women, and live the life of a single man. Nothing you say, anywhere, would make this assumption an unreasonable one.

 

The fact you are his wife and he has a son, is no prevention to him, for POSSIBLY behaving this way. But I think the possibility is so credible as to be a foregone conclusion.

 

 

You don't trust him.

It's as plain and simple as that, but you are clearly more desperate to keep him and stay in this marriage, and in my opinion, you are suppressing your natural mistrust and suspicion, because you are fearful of being left alone.

For him to suggest that having sex with other women because at home there's the wife, is a singularly insulting comment.

He's basically virtually admitting he is, or intends to be, unfaithful.

 

Let him go.

DIvorce him, make sure he pays child support, and this idea of a happy marriage. You can't make it happen on your own, and my guess is, he doesn't care if it isn't.

He is free to do what he wants, any time.

Posted

When you have a child with someone you don't get the luxury of NC. You have to do what's in the best interests of the child which means you will have to communicate with the child's father to arrange international visitation.

 

 

You can limit your contact to discussions about your child but you can't stop talking.

 

 

That said, did you really forgive him for the kissing indiscretion two years ago? If so, you can't bring it up again ever. If you didn't forgive him then acknowledge that is cheating was the demise of your relationship.

 

 

Next Q is the classic Dear Abby one: would you be better off with him or without him? I don't get the upside of having an LDR a 1/2 a world away with your husband. If you have visa / immigration issues can those ever be resolved? You already have limited trust so this won't be easy if you are even willing to try.

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