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Wife wants kids, I don't

nstt

By nstt
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
That is admirable of y'all.

 

Why not compromise? One more child?

 

One less than her desire, and one more than yours.

 

Blessings

 

He can't. He's unable to.

 

... I wouldn't be able to force my enthusiasm over it. And just like last time, it would be hard on my wife. She wants me to be excited over pregnancy things, and to be able to tell me she's pregnant and me have a great reaction. I can't force it.

 

That's more crucial than the issue of children or any other underlying issue. He is unable to.

  • Like 1
heartwhole Established Member

heartwhole

Posted
Posted

If you want to stay married, then I would have at least one more. It's not like you're childless now. Think of your son. Wouldn't it be great for him to have a sibling?

 

I think your argument as to why it would be wrong to have a second (you'd have to fake enthusiasm, etc.) is specious. It would be one thing if you both had agreed no children and then she changed her mind. But it's the other way around. Plus you already have a child so the change to your lifestyle is minimal. It's not a parents/not parents dilemma.

 

But . . . you don't want to compromise and you don't want to get a divorce. So obviously you are expecting her to capitulate. She's supposed to have gone through the stress of fertility struggles only to find out that she really can have the life of her dreams, just to give it up because you became emotionally uninvested in parenthood as time went on. You changed the rules but you expect her to keep playing the game.

 

To put this as nicely as possible . . . I think you need to get over yourself. There are 3 options:

1. divorce, and you both get what you want

2. no more kids, you get what you want

3. more kids, she gets what she wants

 

I think it's very telling that you are only willing to go with the option where you are the only one getting what you want. And sad.

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
Posted
He can't. He's unable to.

 

 

 

That's more crucial than the issue of children or any other underlying issue. He is unable to.

 

Correction - he doesn't WANT to.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
He can't. He's unable to.

 

How is he unable?

MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

Posted
Posted
How is he unable?

 

I read it as unable = completely unwilling. Won't even consider it.

 

I do hope OP will consider divorce, so his wife can move on. Not sure why divorce is as bad as reneging on such a huge life decision.

  • Like 2
BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
How is he unable?

 

He said he's not capable.

 

I get what you guys are saying and I agree that it might be that he doesn't want to, is unwilling rather than incapable.

 

But there are some people who are incapable of compromising or of not getting their way, who psychologically can NOT tolerate it. I don't know if that's the case with OP. Maybe. We don't know.

 

ETA: lol. What Midwest said.

  • Like 2
serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted (edited)
She thinks I don't want more kids because of her. That I just don't want kids with her.

 

I'm kind of surprised that nobody has questioned you further on this.

 

Where did this come from?? Why does she think this?

 

This one statement alone tells me that there's a lot more to this story than you've said here. It contains a whole lot of unspoken ... something ... about your relationship.

 

You said earlier that disagreeing over having kids is the only source of discontent in your marriage.

 

Um. CLEARLY not. Nobody who is happy in a relationship assumes that she's the reason her husband doesn't want kids.

Edited by serial muse
  • Like 5
Liam1 Established Member

Liam1

Posted
Posted

Nstt:

 

Children are expensive and time consuming and the craziness of their teenage years loom on the horizon. So I can totally understand the "one and done" mentality, particularly after a certain age.

 

My wife and I also had fertility issues, and the treatments were grueling, but we got used to the idea of not having children and now neither of us would want one. I understand your change in thinking. IMO, it was about a shift in priorities as the years passed.

 

What helped us to adjust was socializing mainly with people that either had no children or only one child and seeing how full their lives are. Maybe that will help your wife, too.

 

Before you saw we should have talked about it first, we did. I changed my mind.

 

We both said we wanted 3 kids. Then we had fertility issues and were faced with possibly never having kids. I got use to the idea of that and eventually it was very appealing to me. I changed my mind and didn't want kids. Then my wife got pregnant and had a baby in 2014. One of the many doctors we saw figured out what was wrong with her and now we shouldn't have issues conceiving in the future.

 

When my wife got pregnant, I wasn't happy or excited. I wasn't very present in the pregnancy (planning, feeling him move, etc) and that hurt her. I didn't want kids anymore. Now I love my child more than anything and love watching him grow. But I do not want more. My wife however still wants 3 kids, and honestly I'm sure she'd have more than 3 if I was on board. But that's a big hell no to me. I didn't want 1, let alone 3.

 

The issue is, where to we go from here? She's upset because she wants more, I don't want more. We don't yell at each other over it, but fight about it and she gets pretty upset.

 

One of us gets what we want and the other suffers? This is our only issue, we don't have any other problems and are otherwise very happy.

 

I won't lie, there are times when I want to just get a vasectomy and not say anything. I wouldn't actually do that, though. The stress of infertility was unbearable for her.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

We only get one life, and whether to have or not have children is a huge part of that life. Many men and women are perfectly happy with no children and others are only happy when surrounded by lots of children.

The OPs wife has always wanted lots of children, to deny her that due to a "change of mind" by the OP, or pressurise her into compromises over that change of mind, is vastly unfair.

 

Either give her the children she wants, or divorce her asap. Give her loads of time to realise her dreams with someone else.

Do not squash her dreams of many children and then divorce her when she is 40, as she has grown bitter and twisted, and hates you for your "change of mind".

  • Like 2
BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
... but we got used to the idea of not having children and now neither of us would want one. ...

 

You agreed together, which is good. This couple didn't, hasn't.

 

What if it were sex, for instance, another essential part of a marriage? What if some sexual problems arose, they got resolved, but his wife said, "After all of that difficulty, I don't want to have sex any more. I've just changed my mind. No compromise. Can't do it." That's not about sex or having kids or whether they move or any other underlying issue. That's about a sea change in the nature of their marriage.

 

There are couples who do agree that one person carries the veto in a marriage, is the decider. Maybe OP's wife will be ok with that, but she's crying so I don't think she is ok with that.

  • Like 2
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted (edited)
I read it as unable = completely unwilling. Won't even consider it.

 

I do hope OP will consider divorce, so his wife can move on. Not sure why divorce is as bad as reneging on such a huge life decision.

 

Divorce hurts really bad: emotionally and spiritually. That's probably why. While I understand, I do really hope that the OP considers compromise and decides to love another child too, out of love for his wife.

 

2 is a good compromise when the wife wants 3 and they already have one. The OP can decide if he will become bitter, or if he will truly love the child he already has and put his wife's desire for another child before his desire.

 

From my personal observations, great husbands put their wives' needs and desires before their own. That's hard for some men to do.

 

Great wives as well put their husbands' needs before their own.

 

While of course the wife can put her husband's change of mind before her desire, he did change his mind. She didn't. He knew before they married that she wanted 3 kids. It wasn't a surprise to him, unlike his change of heart. That must have been a painful surprise for her. :(

Edited by BetheButterfly
  • Like 2
Liam1 Established Member

Liam1

Posted
Posted
Before you saw we should have talked about it first, we did. I changed my mind.

 

We both said we wanted 3 kids. Then we had fertility issues and were faced with possibly never having kids. I got use to the idea of that and eventually it was very appealing to me. I changed my mind and didn't want kids. Then my wife got pregnant and had a baby in 2014. One of the many doctors we saw figured out what was wrong with her and now we shouldn't have issues conceiving in the future.

 

When my wife got pregnant, I wasn't happy or excited. I wasn't very present in the pregnancy (planning, feeling him move, etc) and that hurt her. I didn't want kids anymore. Now I love my child more than anything and love watching him grow. But I do not want more. My wife however still wants 3 kids, and honestly I'm sure she'd have more than 3 if I was on board. But that's a big hell no to me. I didn't want 1, let alone 3.

 

The issue is, where to we go from here? She's upset because she wants more, I don't want more. We don't yell at each other over it, but fight about it and she gets pretty upset.

 

One of us gets what we want and the other suffers? This is our only issue, we don't have any other problems and are otherwise very happy.

 

I won't lie, there are times when I want to just get a vasectomy and not say anything. I wouldn't actually do that, though. The stress of infertility was unbearable for her.

 

Also, just wanted to Add:

 

Having a child is a serious commitment and if you can not afford more or feel you may be too old when the child is growing up or simply do not want more, it could affect the way you interact with the child

 

Having an unwanted child or one you can not afford or feel too old to raise properly does not only effect you and your wife, it effects the child.

 

You already have one Child. So, IMO, given that you wanted zero children after the infertility treatments, perhaps your wife can realize that having one child is already a compromise for you. So maybe now she can compromise and settle for one child.

 

Children are not something you have simply because it's desired like a pair of shoes. It needs to be planned for. ...the future includes college, weddings, all sorts of things that a parent will need to think about providing before deciding to have more.

 

I see people with more children than they can afford to care for properly and I just wander why they did not do the math or maybe they just did not care about providing for the child all the things mentioned.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
Why can't she just not have another one? She doesn't love something that doesn't exist so it's not like she'd be missing anything.

 

That wasn't the agreement before marriage though. Had the OP said he wanted no kids or one only... I suspect it would have been a dealbreaker for her. She could have found a more suitable man to marry.

 

Before marriage H and I agreed on a similar number but he really wanted the higher number I. E. 4 as opposed to 3. I said it would depend on how painful /difficult pregnancy was and how hands on and helpful he was. Guess what ... We didn't have 4. I had a valid reason not to..as he wasn't helpful enough. Not just a change of mind.

 

What you're doing isn't fair to her. Many people don't want an only child. Had my husband done what you're doing having agreed before hand I'd be extremely upset.

 

This now forces her to accept what you want and she'll resent you forever or she's forced to leave the marriage and go through having to find a new man and have kids with..... which isn't easy if you want a decent stand up kind of guy.

 

Being in your shoes isn't a good place ... because if anything ever happens to your son.. you'll get the backlash. There's no win win here. Even if you reluctantly agree...it won't fill her with joy.

 

She probably didn't want different fathers for her kids and now she's in a dilemma.

 

I'm sure many only kids are very happy...but I know many who wish they had siblings ...especially in later life when the issues with elderly and ill parents is all on their shoulders alone.

  • Like 2
PrettyEmily77 Established Member

PrettyEmily77

Posted
Posted

Haven't read the whole thread but from what I can make out OP, there's only room for what you want here - no more kids + no divorce. What are you more likely to compromise on?

 

Assuming you have talked about it extensively with your wife, what is her take on it? Ultimately, that decision is up to you both, right?

  • Like 2
lucy_in_disguise Established Member

lucy_in_disguise

Posted
Posted

I dont understand the hard line on not having any more kids, when youre already a parent. Realistically, is your lifestyle going to change that much if you have one more? I feel like the extra attention and cost is going to be marginal, and will pay over for itself many times by the rewards your kid will reap from having a sibling. I understand not wanting many more kids, or even 2 more, but you are already a parent, 2 cant be that different from 1. It almost seems like a control issue to me.

 

I agree with others that your choices are have another or divorce - and probably see your current kid brought up by someone else in her family. Which do you prefer?

  • Like 2
ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
Posted

How about if she has a kid with another guy? Compromise! Everyone is happy.

  • Like 1
ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

Let me be completely honest. Our 2nd child was VERY planned. We did the test, positive!! Yes!!! Excitement!!! We cuddled on the sofa but were a little quiet...I looked at my H & he said "our 1st has only just started sleeping through the night & it's so nice!". My response, "ugh!!! I know!!! & you don't have to breast feed. OMG!!!".

 

Of course we're completely happy with our lovely children.

 

As I said before, are you sure it's not just 'baby fear & exhaustion' that you're not wanting? They grow & it gets so much easier!! I would love another child... Another baby? Oh that's terrifying!! My daughter could climb & run like a little monkey at 9 months. It was beyond exhausting!!!

66Charger Established Member

66Charger

Posted
Posted (edited)

It is amazing to read the replies invalidating the husbands feelings or his RIGHT to change his mind. Only the woman can change her mind? Really?

 

Lets reverse this.

 

If any woman decided NOT to carry a child for her reasons alone, but the husband wishes differently, would you advize her to suck it up and compromise and bare the child?

 

No you would not.

 

And when were children a compromise? Children are a COMMITTMENT.

 

You can not advocate that it is a womans sole right to CHANGE HER MIND/chose life or termination, but if the husband does it, it is a breech and he led her on and he should divorce her or let her have children with another guy.

 

And I dont believe that you can tell a woman "you must have this child"

 

No one should bring a child in the world if it is not 100% wanted. Its not just your life that you are gambling with. If this is a deal breaker for her, she should divorce, not force

 

.

Edited by 66Charger
  • Like 4
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted

Well - as someone who doesn't want kids, the idea of having kids just because someone else (even a spouse) wants to have more, is beyond unsavory.

 

I agree with the response above, kids are not a "compromise" they are a life long, life CHANGING commitment.

 

Its not like getting another gold fish (oh what is one more?).

 

What if the UNWANTED child isn't just "one more" and so easy to deal with.

 

What if the additional child has serious mental or physical limitations? What if the kid isn't able to develop normally and "make things easier"? Keep in minds, the odds of that increase as the parents ages increase.

 

They aren't puppies - its bringing new human beings into the world. In my opinion this is a MUCH bigger deal than a marriage certificate. A much bigger deal than "making a wife happy" - it has serious, unending consequences.

 

If *I* were him - I would tell her that *I am* not having any more children. That I am getting a vasectomy, and that if she can't accept that - she can file for divorce and pursue more children.

  • Like 3
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

Can't agree with ^^ this ^^ more or like it enough.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
It is amazing to read the replies invalidating the husbands feelings or his RIGHT to change his mind. Only the woman can change her mind? Really?

 

Lets reverse this.

 

If any woman decided NOT to carry a child for her reasons alone, but the husband wishes differently, would you advize her to suck it up and compromise and bare the child?

 

 

.

 

I'd advise them to get divorced. It's not a gender issue..it's about the OP changing his mind.

 

If a couple decided on 3 kids and after 1...The wife had pregnancy related health issues..or quite simply found it too painful or traumatic to do again .... then I think she is within her rights in deciding not to have another one.

 

She is carrying the child and is the one experiencing the pain and effects on her body. However. ..if her husband still wants more kids ...he can walk if he can't empathise with her.

  • Like 2
Liam1 Established Member

Liam1

Posted
Posted
Well - as someone who doesn't want kids, the idea of having kids just because someone else (even a spouse) wants to have more, is beyond unsavory.

 

I agree with the response above, kids are not a "compromise" they are a life long, life CHANGING commitment.

 

Its not like getting another gold fish (oh what is one more?).

 

What if the UNWANTED child isn't just "one more" and so easy to deal with.

 

What if the additional child has serious mental or physical limitations? What if the kid isn't able to develop normally and "make things easier"? Keep in minds, the odds of that increase as the parents ages increase.

 

They aren't puppies - its bringing new human beings into the world. In my opinion this is a MUCH bigger deal than a marriage certificate. A much bigger deal than "making a wife happy" - it has serious, unending consequences.

 

If *I* were him - I would tell her that *I am* not having any more children. That I am getting a vasectomy, and that if she can't accept that - she can file for divorce and pursue more children.

 

 

Also we know nothing of why he does not want more kids. We do not know if they will BOTH need to undergo medically dangerous infertility treatments, or how old they both are now, or how much money they earn.

 

Also, people seem to be forgetting that he changed his mind after the initial round of infertility treatments failed. So perhaps they are much older and/or perhaps the initial round of infertility treatments drained their finances so much that he feels they can not comfortably or sensibly afford another child.

 

He says they both want to stay married.

 

Having a child is not the same thing as giving each other physical attention.

 

A child is brought into the world without it's own consent. A child deserves to have every opportunity to thrive.

 

Two married people have already consented to be with each other and an adult should understand that realistically the financial picture might change to make it un-affordable to have a second child.

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
Posted
It is amazing to read the replies invalidating the husbands feelings or his RIGHT to change his mind. Only the woman can change her mind? Really?

 

Lets reverse this.

 

If any woman decided NOT to carry a child for her reasons alone, but the husband wishes differently, would you advize her to suck it up and compromise and bare the child?

 

No you would not.

 

And when were children a compromise? Children are a COMMITTMENT.

 

You can not advocate that it is a womans sole right to CHANGE HER MIND/chose life or termination, but if the husband does it, it is a breech and he led her on and he should divorce her or let her have children with another guy.

 

And I dont believe that you can tell a woman "you must have this child"

 

No one should bring a child in the world if it is not 100% wanted. Its not just your life that you are gambling with. If this is a deal breaker for her, she should divorce, not force

 

.

 

When I was married to my sons's dad, I knew how badly he wanted kids and I agreed to it. After awhile, I started to think that I didn't want any kids after all. That changed because I got pregnant during that time. But I knew that if I made the decision not to have kids, I would have divorced him so that he could find someone else to fulfill his dream of having a big family. We did end up divorcing over other issues but my point is, I wouldn't have tortured him by expecting him to be in a marriage with someone who went back on that kind of an agreement.

 

So, yes, my advice is the same for both sexes. It's not about invalidating someone. It's about honoring a promise you made. A promise that has massive repercussions if gone back on. This is a no-brainer to me.

PrettyEmily77 Established Member

PrettyEmily77

Posted
Posted
If *I* were him - I would tell her that *I am* not having any more children. That I am getting a vasectomy, and that if she can't accept that - she can file for divorce and pursue more children.

 

 

That sounds like an ultimatum, to me.

 

 

OP doesn't want more kids (his prerogative) but also doesn't believe in divorce (also his prerogative): that leaves his wife in a very difficult situation, one she probably hasn't envisaged. She either has to compromise on staying with a husband who doesn't want more children when she does, or she runs the risk of pursuing a new relationship with a guy who may have fertility issues (for instance) when she knows her current husband doesn't.

 

 

It sucks for them both, really.

  • Like 1
ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
Posted
It is amazing to read the replies invalidating the husbands feelings or his RIGHT to change his mind. Only the woman can change her mind? Really?

 

Lets reverse this.

 

If any woman decided NOT to carry a child for her reasons alone, but the husband wishes differently, would you advize her to suck it up and compromise and bare the child?

 

No you would not.

 

And when were children a compromise? Children are a COMMITTMENT.

 

You can not advocate that it is a womans sole right to CHANGE HER MIND/chose life or termination, but if the husband does it, it is a breech and he led her on and he should divorce her or let her have children with another guy.

 

And I dont believe that you can tell a woman "you must have this child"

 

No one should bring a child in the world if it is not 100% wanted. Its not just your life that you are gambling with. If this is a deal breaker for her, she should divorce, not force

 

.

 

You're absolutely correct. But why should he get his way and she has to be the one who loses?

 

It's not fair to either of them but he says he won't divorce her.

 

Regardless of what happens, someone is going to be unhappy. Why her over him?

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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