Guy I'm dating going out with woman he doesn't know

[gaius]

Just text him back and tell him taking out another woman when he's dating you isn't acceptable behavior. Seriously, even the nicest of guys is going to turn into a jerk if you just let him walk all over you. He's being a total douche.

 

You don't even have to make it a confrontation. Just make it a statement and let him do what he wants from there. And proceed accordingly.

[katiegrl]

OP, since they are just *friends,* or so he claims, why can't you go?

 

Where is his friend? The one whose girlfriend is going.

 

Something isnt jiving.

 

ETA: I just re-read your original post, he doesn't know them, never even met them?

 

Something is REALLY not jiving!

Edited April 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

He just texted me the following:

 

"I am on my way. Going to see the gf of my friend, then we are going to go have dinner at {name of restaurant}. I hope you are having a good afternoon. Kisses."

 

WHat is that supposed to mean? He is now only seeing HER? Also, what does he mean he's going to see her, then they are going to go to the resto???? Is he going to go pick her up? Is he going to her apartment? Her hotel room? Where??? Are they doing some sort of activity together aside from dinner??!? I have no idea.

 

And why is he texting me with details like that??? Is it to reassure me? /check in with me??? Or is it to make me feel jealous/insecure? Also, what happened to the gf's female friend? Now it's only 1 person he's seeing?

 

Since he gave you the name of the restaurant, he may be hoping you show up and make all kinds of noise/cause a scene.

 

Some men really thrive on that type of shyt drama, how well do you know him?

 

I mean he would have to be a complete and utter moron not to know that sending you that would upset you ...

 

And then to write "kisses" at the end? Jeez!

 

Do not react! That is what he wants!

 

Turn off phone and go out with a friend.

 

If this were me, this would be a dealbreaker after only 1.5 months.

 

Next!

Edited April 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[clia]

The way he presented it, his male friend is not in the country, and his gf has come here, so he asked my guy if he could take her around a little bit . Initially, he was supposed to go pick her up from the airport last week. Maybe he is doing his male friend a favor?? Is that a possibility? If that is the case, should I ignore my alarms going off, and give him another chance? Again, this is based on what he's told me. There might not even be a male friend in the picture. He said his friend is coming in May, so he's gonna be spending time with him... Wonder if that's a euphemism for spending time with this other woman. Wonder if there is no male friend in the first place? I have no idea. I need to investigate.

 

I don't see this as a big deal. He's taking his friend's girlfriend, who is visiting, out. Yes, he's doing him a favor. She probably doesn't know anyone, so friend said "hey, why don't you take her to dinner," and he said, "okay, sure!" And she said "great, I have a local to show me around." I've done the same thing. People I've known have done the same thing. Frankly, I think it's sweet he agreed to do this for his friend. What an awesome guy!

 

And he didn't invite you because he's only been dating you for a month and a half!

 

As for your worry about him making the reservation, did he even make the reservation or did she?

 

To summarize: Chill out. Go out with your friends and have fun.

 

And yes, he's texting you about his plans to reassure you. Do you honestly think he's planning to screw over both you and his friend by trying to hit on this girl? What makes you think she'd even be interested in him?

 

Just chill.

[HansonGirl]

I don't want to lower my expectations, and bust my boundaries, which is why I refuse to dismiss the red flags, which is something I used to do in previous relationships. I had bad experiences with a similar issue (ex spending time with female friends, and not inviting me/ towards the end not even telling me, etc.). To be honest, the way my last relationship ended, and the timing of it, was extremely traumatizing, and I vowed never to allow myself to be treated like that. So maybe I am a bit oversensitive in terms of situating the scenario within the broader context. I may have been overly critical of the guy , without mentioning all the great things he's done, which might indicate he is interested in me. Maybe it's just an innocent (albeit tactless) thing?

 

I find it interesting that you say you vowed never to allow yourself to be mistreated, but you are now justifying all these bad things about this guy. I thought you'd err on the side of ending things with someone like this, rather than try to justify what is going on and say "look at all the NICE things he has done!"

[katiegrl]

JMO, but I see absolutely no reason why you and your boyfriend couldn't take her out and show her around. You are his gf for heaven's sake.

 

I would think she would enjoy having another woman there instead of just her boyfriend's friend.

 

And sorry, but I am wondering now if she even *is* your bf's friend's girlfriend at all .... something is definitely not jiving, pls don't be naive.

 

Anyway, this combined with he has been acting strange and not as attentive this past week ... lack of sex, etc. = red flag. Something's up.

 

JMO.

Edited April 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[ft yacht]

change your username, your still going out with jerks

[NoMoreJerks]

JMO, but I see absolutely no reason why you and your boyfriend couldn't take her out and show her around. You are his gf for heaven's sake.

 

I would think she would enjoy having another woman there instead of just her boyfriend's friend.

 

And sorry, but I am wondering now if she even *is* your bf's friend's girlfriend at all .... something is definitely not jiving, pls don't be naive.

 

Anyway, this combined with he has been acting strange and not as attentive this past week ... lack of sex, etc. = red flag. Something's up.

 

JMO.

When he said that he preferred if I didn't come, he said:"if she had come with her bf, then it would've made sense that I'd bring my gf too, but since her bf isn't there, it's a bit weird for me to bring my gf with me."

 

I don't find it weird at all. I find his logic rather weird. His BF isn't there because he's not in the country. It's a totally different situation. I think part of it is him trying to get a rise out of me, to see how controlling I am, etc. He has a very controlling mother who checks on him all the time from abroad, so maybe his way of "rebelling" against her is being a jerk to a woman by trying to "get" his liberty from her that he can't get from his mom. Just wondering if that is what is happening here. Maybe. Maybe I am overanalyzing, though, and he's simply a jerk.

[NoMoreJerks]

Honestly, I am really bummed about this. I contacted friends, but it was a bit last minute, they didn't want to go out with me, or they already had plans. I don't have close friends, and most of my other friends don't like hanging out with me (while they hang out with other people), so I ended up going out on my own. It didn't help. EVERYONE was out with their partners. That's what people do on saturdays here. It's like the holy grail of coupledom. If you are with someone, you don't hang out with friends on a saturday. You hang out with that s/o. And it just drove home the point that I was not his gf. Not really. He was with another woman, as I was all alone walking around the streets, seeing couples holding hands. I am REALLY depressed. Way to go, good way of making your gf feel appreciated. :( Oh well. I give up.

[NoMoreJerks]

I don't see this as a big deal. He's taking his friend's girlfriend, who is visiting, out. Yes, he's doing him a favor. She probably doesn't know anyone, so friend said "hey, why don't you take her to dinner," and he said, "okay, sure!" And she said "great, I have a local to show me around." I've done the same thing. People I've known have done the same thing. Frankly, I think it's sweet he agreed to do this for his friend. What an awesome guy!

 

And he didn't invite you because he's only been dating you for a month and a half!

 

As for your worry about him making the reservation, did he even make the reservation or did she?

 

To summarize: Chill out. Go out with your friends and have fun.

 

And yes, he's texting you about his plans to reassure you. Do you honestly think he's planning to screw over both you and his friend by trying to hit on this girl? What makes you think she'd even be interested in him?

 

Just chill.

According to him, he was taking TWO women out. So she does know someone. However, I am not sure if that girl is from here, or also came with her. I have the impression that she's been here for a while, i.e. didn't come to my country with BF's friend's gf. Also, when I asked him about the women, and what their background was, he knew an awful lot about his friend's GF's background, for someone who claimed he didn't know her at all. This is not a close friend (the guy friend), either, so it's not like he'd have told him details about his GF's background/history........................

[NoMoreJerks]

Since he gave you the name of the restaurant, he may be hoping you show up and make all kinds of noise/cause a scene.

 

Some men really thrive on that type of shyt drama, how well do you know him?

 

I mean he would have to be a complete and utter moron not to know that sending you that would upset you ...

 

And then to write "kisses" at the end? Jeez!

 

Do not react! That is what he wants!

 

Turn off phone and go out with a friend.

 

If this were me, this would be a dealbreaker after only 1.5 months.

 

Next!

I actually felt tempted to go by car and park it in front of his place (he wouldn't know I'm there) and see if he got home at all /if he was alone tonight. I actually reserved a car, then cancelled the reservation(it's a shared car service), because it reminded me of the times my ex drove me crazy and pushed me away without an explanation, which drove me into insane spying mode. It would've definitely settled the question once and for all, but I just didn't wanna go down that road.

[phineas]

change your username, your still going out with jerks

 

beat me to it.

 

OP I go out on dates with many women like you and I never call them again.

Want to know why?

They are attracted to guys who treat them poorly.

I do not treat women poorly.

 

therefore I know they will get bored of me and it's a waste of my time & energy to invest in them.

 

Most decent men know this.

I suggest you find a man who doesn't treat you poorly now so you can learn to change what attracts you.

[katiegrl]

According to him, he was taking TWO women out. So she does know someone. However, I am not sure if that girl is from here, or also came with her. I have the impression that she's been here for a while, i.e. didn't come to my country with BF's friend's gf.

 

----

 

 

 

**Also, when I asked him about the women, and what their background was, he knew an awful lot about his friend's GF's background, for someone who claimed he didn't know her at all. This is not a close friend (the guy friend), either, so it's not like he'd have told him details about his GF's background/history........................

 

^^ I think your gut is screaming that something is not quite right here .....don't ignore that.

 

The more you reveal, the more suspect it sounds.

 

How would he know so much about her? Think about that. And now she flies into town, and simultaneously he's been acting strange and distant. And doesn't want sex.

 

He makes a dinner reservation at a restaurant on a Saturday night, something he never did with you.

 

Then tells you he would prefer you not go.

 

I could be wrong of course but it sounds to me like he has been communcating with her on line (which is how he knows so much about her), and she has flown into town to meet him...

 

He doesn't want to end it with you in case it doesn't work out, so to appease you he makes up this story about her being his friend's gf.

 

You have been dating this guy a mere month and a half. What should be the most exciting time in a new couple's dating adventure. And here you are strolling through town by yourself, while he is having dinner at a nice restaurant with another woman.

 

JMO again but he sounds like a scammer.

 

I would next him immediately.

 

You deserve better than that crap.

 

I am so sorry .... hugs.

Edited April 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, sh*t hit the fan real fast.

 

He just messaged me after 5 hours of being offline -- said he was now going to the pub with the two women. (it's 11pm).

 

I lost my cool. I sent him a message, which he didn't see. I said, it seems like their company is more interesting than mine.

 

I then called him and told him that he shouldn't talk to me since it seems like he's out on a date with another woman / women.

 

I wished him a good evening / night, and hung up. He was asking me but why, and am I gonna see you tomorrow , when I hung up on him.

 

He then messaged me, he sent me a screenshot of his friend's texts to him, asking him to take his gf out.

 

I said he didn't need to justify himself, and that it was a dealbreaker to me, and he can now freely enjoy their company without me coming between him and his friend.

 

He said he was sad, disappointed, etc.

 

I said I leave you to go and enjoy your drink.

 

It's over, I guess. I'm so depressed. I may have ruined a good thing, by letting my insecurities win over. Or maybe I did the right thing, given that I was not feeling comfortable with the situation, even if there was nothing going on between them.

[katiegrl]

I have no words.

 

Other than to say if this story IS true, the guy is a real moron.... (for thinking this would not upset/hurt you).

 

For some reason, I highly doubt this is over though. ...but good luck.

[Cinnamonstix]

I don't think you ruined a good thing. Although it was a bit of a knee-jerk, emotional reaction that could have waited till tomorrow, in a more calm delivery, this doesn't sound like the start of a lasting relationship. He's not the one.

[NoMoreJerks]

Conversation went as follows (by message):

 

Him: Also, I had asked you if you wanted to come along.

Me: Well, it wasn't a real invitation, it was obvious in the way you said it even initially.

Him: And I wanted to send you a message to say that I was thinking about you.

Him: No, because I didn't see why you would be interested , even my own interest is limited.

Him: They're people I have never even seen , and they are French too (he is from France).

Me: I didn't want to control you, but I am not comfortable with this situation.

Him: No, me neither.

Me: Also, I had assumed that at least, it would just be a quick dinner.

Him: Me too,but you know how tourists are.

Him: And also, it wasn't cold outside so...

Me: You can go have your drink in peace now.

Him: :(

[Cinnamonstix]

Conversation went as follows (by message):

 

Him: Also, I had asked you if you wanted to come along.

Me: Well, it wasn't a real invitation, it was obvious in the way you said it even initially.

Him: And I wanted to send you a message to say that I was thinking about you.

Him: No, because I didn't see why you would be interested , even my own interest is limited.

Him: They're people I have never even seen , and they are French too (he is from France).

Me: I didn't want to control you, but I am not comfortable with this situation.

Him: No, me neither.

Me: Also, I had assumed that at least, it would just be a quick dinner.

Him: Me too,but you know how tourists are.

Him: And also, it wasn't cold outside so...

Me: You can go have your drink in peace now.

Him: :(

 

This convo happened after the part with you calling him? I'm confused.

[NoMoreJerks]

This convo happened after the part with you calling him? I'm confused.

Yes. I called him, then hung up on him. He then messaged me the screenshot of his friend thanking him for what he was doing for his gf, and then I said, you don't need to justify yourself, I'm not comfortable with the situation, it's a dealbreaker for me. It then went from there.

[clia]

I think you totally overreacted, but obviously I'm in the minority here.

[bolase]

Sorry to hear your story OP. I'm sure he liked you, and him taking his friends gf out could have been innocent (it's culturally more okay to do that kind of thing among French people, they really stick together in new cities too) BUT actually, it is a major problem that he didn't consider your feelings or invite you. It tells me that he wasn't interested in really connecting with you, as did all the other bits of info you gave.

 

Try not to forgive him, those French are charming and know how to grovel aNd make romantic gestures!

 

Do you know the quote "in the end people will forget almost every word you've ever said to each other, but they'll remember how you made them feel"?

 

Despite your conversations, he isn't making you feel good, he's making you feel anxious and unappreciated as a girlfriend and an individual with individual needs and wants. You can do wayyy better.

[katiegrl]

Yes. I called him, then hung up on him. He then messaged me the screenshot of his friend thanking him for what he was doing for his gf, and then I said, you don't need to justify yourself, I'm not comfortable with the situation, it's a dealbreaker for me. It then went from there.

 

This entire situation is just way too much drama .... for only a month and a half in, or ever.

 

What man who cares about his gf behaves this way? I mean really?

 

If you choose to continue forward with him, prepare yourself for more drama and what mostly likely will be a highly charged emotional roller coaster ride.

[katiegrl]

NMJ ....I just read your previous thread wherein you discussed a previous emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a guy who broke up with you three times, and you went back each time.

 

After that RL ended for good, with every RL you had after that, you experienced severe temper tantrums and emotional swings.

 

No one mentioned this in that thread, but it did not take me long to determine you were suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) due to that previous abusive relationship.

 

Did you ever seek help for that?

 

Because until you do, my fear for you is you will continue to attract these high drama emotionally-charged type relationships. ..and men who frankly just don't treat you very well.

 

This is just the start with this guy.

 

After only a month and a half, this should NOT be happening. As I said before, way too much drama. On your part too (your reaction, eg calling, hanging up, etc).).

 

I hope you will break this cycle and walk away for good.

 

Best of luck ....

Edited April 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Rejected Rosebud]

I am thinking about this - I guess you broke up?

 

I am hoping you can learn from this. Mostly about boundaries and good communication.

 

You really did start this off with a veritable catalog of all the things he did wrong in your relationship. Clearly you have been building resentment and disappointment for a while.

 

When you are getting started dating a new guy, it's important to be watchful and aware of your own boundaries; for example, the time you laid in his bed all day because you didn't feel ok about just leaving. That was you throwing your own boundary under the bus. Same thing about the sex stuff.

 

It's up to you to maintain your own boundaries so you don't end up feeling bad and holding a resentment against him. It will mess up the chances for the relationship to succeed.

 

Communication is kind of a different issue. You can't really expect to change another person, ever, but what you CAN do is let him know your feelings and opinions on what's going on. I think this would save you some of the drama like what happened in the end there with the phone and text - if you'd been able to let him know your feelings AND keep your own boundaries up ahead of time.

 

I'm sorry you got hurt again and I hope you can shake it off and have a better experience with the next guy you date.

[Leigh 87]

Are you a door mat, last time you checked?

 

I have seen you pic before. You are very attractive and smart based on your qualifications. You can do SO much better.....

 

A man should WANT to take his gf with him to outings!

 

The occasional night out with his male friends is fine, but this is not a boys night. It is a date in all honestly! With the one woman I would venture to guess.

 

Please just cut it off now. It won't get better. And he will not be honest with you about the fact he just is not that into you; he will drag it out and use you until miss right comes along or he gets bored and wants to shag others.